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Rosh Hashana begins with a meal, as all Jewish holidays, and we pull out fruit and vegetables, eat them as 'signs,' and ask Gd to make the coming year a good one. That always means better than last year. The previous year was never that great. It was decent, but it could be better. So, we ask Gd for a good year and show Him some of the fruit and vegetables that could've had a longer shelf life. Thus, we ask for a better year where the cucumbers don't spoil after three days in the fridge.
We have a beautiful huge meal, to make up for any food we might have lost out on the year prior. We don't want to go into the year thin. That would give us nothing to do. Nothing to pray for. Last year, I dieted all year. I also sinned a bit, so I would have something to ask Gd for during the Ten Days of Repentance. With all that in mind, I shall tell you about what I now know every Jew should be prepared for when in Israel. Eating in America Did Not Prepare Me Known as Simanim, the signs at the meal, I grew up with an apple in the honey and a pomegranate representing Mitzvot. That is all my Ashkenazik upbringing prepared me for; cute little blessings of a sweet new year and a stained shirt. We would even sing a cute song, just in case somebody was scared of apples and honey. We sung the song 'dip the apple in the honey, say a blessing loud and clear. Shana Tova uMituka, have a happy sweet new year.' It was cute and harmless. The pomegranate wasn't harmless, so we didn't sing a song about it. We just said that it represents a lot of Mitzvot, and accepted the fact that our shirt would get stained. Israel was nothing like this. There was no cute song. The apple-honey rhyme didn't work in Hebrew. I don't know if it's every dinner, but whatever song that family was singing my first Rosh Hashana in Israel had me feeling the Pesach Seder all over again. Everything sounded like 'Ha Lachma Anya' to me, and I was in for a shock. They sung with real deep voices that I was not prepared for, due to their size. The only thing that my Jewish upbringing in America prepared me for was eating a lot. My First Interaction with Violent Fruit The Israeli family brought out beautiful fruits and a fish head. The fish head kind of went with the 'Ha Lachma Anya' feeling of leaving Egypt. And the next thing I know, the whole table started focusing on enemies. They were using fruit to curse out our foes. That was when I knew that I will never mess with an Israeli while they are eating. They started taking carrots in their hands and saying that 'Gd should cut down our enemies like a carrot.' I learned later that the root word for carrot in Hebrew is the same root as 'cutting down.' They went through all the fruits on the table. Even the gummy strawberry was used to mock those who try to bring us down. Personally, I would think that if you give a gummy strawberry to an enemy, they're going to be your friend. They'll stop attacking and start picking gumminess out of their teeth. Don't Mess With Israelis The shock continued at that dinner, and the next night's dinner too, where the family pulled out squash. I started seeing our Jewish people in a whole new light. We are a relaxed people, passive in nature, but you throw fruit and vegetables into the equation and we get very violent. When we summon Gd while eating gourds, we are not a people you want to mess with. Work in a rhyme and we are wiping out all evil beings. Work in a pun and decrees of judgment are raining down. Peace ruling the world through seasonal local produce. And watch out if they start with alliterations. 'Crazy criminal counterattack country' is what I’m talking about, with 'kumquats.' More People Do It One of the tables I was at a couple years years ago pulled out a carrot, whose root must have many meanings, and said, ‘May it be Thy will… that their decrees be those of judgment.’ And then, they cut a fruit and said that the juice should blind the enemies, like it did the owners of the house when they squeezed it by accident. I Am Scared That last meal had me scared. The shock of my first Rosh Hashana in Israel turned into fear. I started picturing the horrors that carrots can do to people. With a Hebrew name whose root means ‘decrees,’ I was scared to eat. I didn’t want to know the food's verdict. I had nightmares about cucumbers and tomatoes. I started having flashbacks to pickles and pickled tomatoes I had growing up. I didn’t eat Israeli salad for half a year. I was eating falafel with a pita, tahini, and that’s it. I couldn’t use Chumus either. At that last dinner, they said something about Chumus and Hamas. I am over much of my fear. I now eat with my family on Rosh Hashana, and we dunk the apple, saying, ‘May this be a sweet new year.’ I don't believe my family can handle floral self-defense. Going back to my Ashkenazik roots, I wanted to stop with all the other requests that angiosperms can bring. I was still scared of the Israeli salad, cut up so small. It hit me that fruits can be used for good and evil. Food can be used for good and evil. You can own a fruit shop, like my grandpa, and provide people with star fruit, so they can eat something on Rosh Hashana they would never want to eat otherwise. It took me a while, but I learned my lesson. And I now know what the Simans are for. I feel it is time we embrace our tradition and focus on eating fruit and vegetables that will wipe out the evil from our lives. I am not scared of my Israeli brethren. I know that they are using vegetation to protect us. It is about wiping evil out of our lives, so that our year can be one of blessing. A year where we don't have to eat fennel. A year, where we put on weight from the sugar found in plantation. Ever since those first Rosh Hashana dinners, I have had nightmares about carrots. When they pop up in coleslaw, I'm taken aback. I am never eating carrots again, just in case there's another root I don't know about. Please don't mention Tzimis. As for you, you should enjoy all the fruits and vegetables at the Rosh Hashana dinner. And don't be scared of carrots. I am still in shock and trying to figure out how carrots can free us from our enemies. You should all have a sweet new year, where our enemies rot like carrots. A year where people can finally laugh at puns and not judge them. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rabbi Fishel taught the Mishna of Sukkah a few years back, in which it teaches that the Sukkah must be at least 10 fists (tefachim) high and not more than 20 cubits (amot) high. The class lasted many hours, as nobody knew what a cubit meant. Raisel explained what amot are, but nobody understood how that was a cubit, as they were different words. Shlomo said, 'I have never heard anybody measure in cubits. I build all the time and the tape measure doesn't mark a cubit.'
Upon learning the sizes of the Sukkah, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, known as Yankel for the sake of limiting the time it takes to get his attention, threw out the tape measure and broke the shul's ruler. He said, 'We must build this Sukkah according to Halacha, Jewish law.' Menachem insisted, 'I have a hand.' And so, they built the shul's Sukkah with Menachem's hand. It was 85 Menachem fists. They stayed away from cubits as that was too confusing. Questions came into the Wise Men and Women about the new town laws of Sukkah building, and Menachem went from house to house to help them build, as he had a fist. All knew that Menachem's fist was what you measured with. Menachem was getting calls from all over the province. Calls for bookcases. Calls for correct ladder sizes were coming in. Itzik's Renovations And Moving hired his fist. The local bike manufacturer has his fingers on retainer. The following year Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana. The Wise Men and Women were stuck. Duvidel said, 'But we all have fists.' To which Bayla yelled, 'You fool. Menachem has a fist. Yes. Do you have Menachem's fist?' And all kicked Duvidel out of the meeting for his foolish ideas. One townsman had the audacity to build a Sukkah without Menachem's hand. He said that it was the same size as his Sukkah last year. 'How could we be sure of that?' asked Berel the Gabai. Fayge jumped in, 'My Gabai is amazing. He is correct. We don't have Menachem's hand, so how can we know?' The townsman responded, 'They're the same sheets and slats.' But the Wise Men knew that slats can change size. And that Sukkot was celebrated with no fists, and no Sukkahs. Epilogue The following year, Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana again, but one foolish member insisted that the walls were all the same as as they were. There's always one unintelligent new member at the meetings. Menachem wasn't there, so they were the wrong size. Thus, there was a crisis again. The only other measurement in town was Shlomo. Shlomo insisted that he as a fist. At least he told everybody he did. That met much argument, as his hand is not as big as Menachem's. Raisel was not convinced that Shlomo could measure 40 Menachem fists on all sides. Shlomo's hand business was ruined from then on. Raisel ruined his living. This past year, one new member of the board proposed using a ruler that he found in one of the children's backpacks. The child was studying in a school that has been banned by the Wise Men and Women since. He knew the dimension in meters. They refused, telling him 'We cannot build this Sukkah without Menachem's fist.' And they kicked him off the board with his ludicrous ideas of heresy. Berel the Gabai announced to all, 'As Jews, we measure with fists and arms. That is the only way to be exact.' The Wise Men and Women studied more Torah together, which led to more problems. A ruling was sent to all that it was forbidden to use rulers, tape measures and yardsticks, as they are not mentioned in the Oral Law of the Jewish people. Yankel is still mad at Menachem. He broke the ruler in hopes of making a business of his fist. The word got out and advertisements were placed in the paper asking, 'Does anybody else have a fist?' The Wise Men and Women of Chelm are searching for more Menachem fists. If you have a handbreadth, they would appreciate your letting them know. Menachem is not allowed to travel anymore. This Rosh Hashana, they are praying that Menachem will be around for Sukkot, and not stuck on a construction site, for use of his hands and arms. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Tu B’Av is here, the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it's time for single people to meet their spouse. We have one day a year and this is our chance to get married. So it's time to prep and pray and meet Mis... Right.
If the urgency hasn't convinced you, here are reasons why I know you should get married. Married People Invite You and Feed You Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” That and a request for dessert is the usual discussion you get as a guest. I have been to dinners where I had to bring my own chair. Married people have chairs. Too Old to be an Uncle I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. I get married and I won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym. Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about Barney the Purple Dinosaur and slime, but I do like chicken fingers. You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering You're not a freak. Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. When you don’t have a Tallit, people in shul are staring at you. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions. Nobody will ask you what you are looking for. In shul, I am usually looking for the Siddur and what page we're on. If a girl is there, amazing! Somebody to Scream At There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at. Somebody to Complain To If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that. Have Kids The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world. To Not Get Old Alone It can be really depressing to look in the mirror and see yourself getting old. This way, right after you look in the mirror, you can see somebody else that looks real bad too. Another Reason to Have Kids Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. Nobody is volunteering for the job to be your child. You've got to pay for that, and ingrain the Mitzvah of 'honor thy parents.' Make sure they get down that commandment, so that somebody will visit you and take your money when you're gone. You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary. Decent Food for Dinner For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer. is continually thawed out for your enjoyment. This is why Jewish people get married. They want dinner. They want a full dinner that they don’t have to carry a chair to. So, for the sake of Tu BAv, decent dinners, not looking like a freak sitting at the kids tables and the hopes of not needing to get up from the couch, feel bad about yourself and get married this holiday. I'll support you. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Kinot for COVID - Tisha BAv 57817/15/2021
*Written by Reb Mendelchem of Topeka to the acrostic of anger
We have been stuck in our homes. Like a child who musteth see her parents every day. Woe. What has befallen us. Woe to having to yell at your siblings. We have had to hear people say 'During these times' for the past year and a half. Woe. What has befallen this annoyance. Minyin has dwindled. Woe to those who love not going to shul. Woe. What has happened to people using a pandemic to get out of services. Woe to those who say that shuls are open. You're ruining people's lives. Shame. Have not seen anybody's face. We thought we knew them. We were shocked. Woe to those who think they know somebody else before their mask comes off. Woe. What has befallen dating in 'these times.' Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled. Israel is closed again. We have had to spend the last year and a half eating frozen falafel balls. Woe. What has happened to all the restaurants I used to love. Woe. Woe. Woe. Stimulus checks. Woe to those who think going back to work is a good idea. Woe. What has befallen these fools who don't appreciate vacation. The most social day of the year is Tisha BAv. Woe. What has befallen greeting people during these times. Like a woman screaming at me for not wearing a mask. Woe. What has befallen us. We had to stay six feet away from everything. Woe to those who don't know what six feet is. Shame. Shame uponeth them. Castigation uponeth them. Shall they never shopeth again. We have judged others who smile. Woe to those who try to be friendly. Shame. Shame uponeth them. We have said 'Shalom' and been castigated. Woe uponeth those who are friendly in 'these times.' One should not greet on Tisha BAv. Woe. The Second Temple was destroyed because people didn't get along. Woe. How does that work. Woe to those who are not rude. Woe beith the Tisha BAv that fits in with 'these times.' Had to celebrate all Simchas outside. Woe unto those who did notith put up tents. Woe to rain at every event. Woe. What has happened to warming of the earth. We had to hear different ideas of what this pandemic is every day. Woe. Why do people listen to their government. Woe to anybody who tells me what to do. May they be six feeteth away so they don't get hurt. Woe to any of my friends who told me that I was not keeping the laws of COVID correctly. Woe unto those who keep the laws of COVID but don't keep Shabbat. Woe. What has happened to people becoming very annoying. Woe to those who have not beeneth vaccinated. Let the wrath of the heavens poureth uponeth them. Lest they decide to go outside and be people. The gym has been closed. That is my excuse. Woe. What has happened to putting on weight when I am not eating. I have barely eaten anything. Woe. How does that happen. Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled. The closing of nursing facilities. Woe to anyone who hugs a loved one over the age of 50. Shame and wrath be uponeth them. People who love their grandparents. Shame! Shame upon you! Woe to all who feel grandparents are important. Woe to all who thinketh they should not die. Woe. What has happened to people caring. Shame be uponeth them. This is the worst thing that has ever happened. Woe to anybody who says that. May they be smacked and their mask removedeth from uponeth them. Kids have been at home, learning less from school than Nickelodeon. Schools open five days awake. Who said that. Shameth. Shameth be uponeth them. Double masking. Woe. What has happened to not suffocating one's self. Woe to our glasses that are notith fogging up. CDC guidelines. Woe. What are they and why do we careth. Woe to my dentist who made me wear my mask. I still don't know how they got to my teeth. Woe. How is a dentist to do their job when following CDC guidelines. Zoom. Woe. What has happened to people listening to what is going on. Woe unto those who still use social media as an excuse to not show up to the Simcha. Woe. What has happened to pants. Woe to anybody who asks somebody else on a Zoom call if they have been vaccinated. You cannot ban them from social media too. We have seen people who haven't shaved in months. Is Shloshim not thirty days. Have we notith passed the pandemic of masking. Woe. What has happened to people shaving. Woe. Woe. Woe. How much more must we mourn. Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled. Woe. What has happened to being able to cough and not being looked at as evil. Woe to those who sneezeth in public. Woe. Shame uponeth those who have allergies. Shame. Vaccinateth uponeth them. A year of supermarkets being the only place we could goeth. Woe. What has happenedeth to the local convenience store with the guy who sneezes. We have sanitized everything. Woe unto those who do not wipe down everything. Shame. Shame. Shame to those who don't use Purell. Woe. Why does Purell runeth our government. Woe. Why does the person cleaning the shul never vacuum. Woe. Why doeseth the Siddur need to be sanitized daily. Woe. What has happened to the washing of hands. Woe. What has happened to our rituals. Like a child who must listen to the same jokes about COVID and Zoom from every person they meet. It is because of our sins that our senseth of humor has been exiled. Woe. What has befallen us during 'these times.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I am told that hatred is wrong. Whether I agree with that or not isn't important. For the sake of Tisha BAv I will put my feelings aside.
The three week period prior to the destruction of the Temples is upon us and the rabbis tell us that the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. We must stop that. You need decent reason to hate. You don't just hate somebody because they're your neighbor. If they take your newspaper, then you hate them. We don't need any more destruction. Hence, I would like to provide you with some ways to look at annoying people differently. We have to stop judging and start understanding. Along with hating people basefully, judging favorably can bring love and peace. Here are some ways to understand the annoying. Do it this Tisha BAv for the sake of the redemption of the Jewish people: People who Cut in Front of you in Line How you should see it: They have something important to do. They have to get somewhere. Do you need to run more errands? Probably not. They do. And you're out there joy shop[ing for milk. Maybe they were there yesterday, and that was their spot beforehand. Maybe they left somebody in the car and you are saving a life. Maybe they are trying to finally have some human interaction and they are sick of having to be six feet away from you. So, they cut you in line, and are now six feet in front of you. Who is really the selfish one here?! Store with a ‘Going Out of Business Sale’ Sign up for Two Years This man has been struggling for over two years. Fighting through it all, while still having sales on all items. He is not lying. He is trying to go out of business, and because of his '50% off - we're closing tomorrow' sign, you're not letting him. Again, I ask, who is thinking about themself here?! Middle Eastern People Scooping from the Collective Humus Platter with Their Pita & Hand They are sharers. You're sitting at dinner together and they are bringing the bread braking to the next level. You're now scooping Humus together and they're cleaning the platter for you. Server who is Not Smiling They have too much business, and now you're going to order dinner too. You're very needy. Why are you not apologizing? Guy who Smells Bad on Bus He’s claustrophobic. He needs his own seat, and he’s prepared. People Who Disagree With Your Political Views You have to hate somebody. Who else are you going to call a racist? People who Give You Unsolicited Advice Maybe you didn't know that ‘drinking coffee’ can help wake you up. Sometimes you are on a diet, and other people do not realize it. That is why they say, ‘You are overweight.’ Here is somebody who is coming along for you, the single person, letting you know, ‘It is not good to be lonely.’ Advice is always good. Who else is going to note your flaws? The Falafel Guy with Unclean Hands That is where the taste is coming from. You should be thanking him. Without his hands, you would not taste the curry. That's where the curry taste truly comes from. The Person who Shows up to Gym with Unlaundered Clothes The clothes are going to get dirty anyways. Not everybody comes from your country, where Tide is a good smell. They may also be claustrophobic. Why they don't clean the machine after they leave, I cannot answer. Guy Who Puts his Leg in Your Chair on Plane or Bus Who is to say, that is your chair? Why is it in front of that guy, if it's yours? Now they're asking what gives you the right to lean back, and to not sit at a ninety degree angle on the flight. If their leg wasn't in your back, they would be less comfortable, and you wouldn't be sitting straight. It seems to me that you're being the selfish one here. And this guy's knee is helping your posture. The Tall Person Sitting in Front of You at the Movie Tall people should be allowed to watch movies too. You cannot ban them from the theater. It would be wrong to force them to sit in the back row. History shows us that some people would consider that discrimination. Taller people than you are a people too. People Who Smoke in Public They're sharing the cigarette benefits with you. You don't even have to bum one to get the smell on your clothes. Bumming cigarettes is annoying. People Who Don’t Leave Messages and Expect You To Call Them Back Everybody should assume they're important. People Singing in Synagogue After the Prayer is Done Everybody enjoys the lyrics ‘Nay Nay Nay.’ Our people have been singing that for centuries, even when nobody knew the prayers. ‘Nay Nay Nay’ are words of inspiration. The Beatles were inspired by those lyrics too. Without ‘Nay Nay Nay…’ ‘Hey Jude’ would've been over in two minutes. People Who Play Guitar Around the Camp Fire The guitar is made out of wood. See the positive. People Who Look at You and Don't Say ‘Hello’ You think they are rude. They're just engaging you in a game of stare. Your Neighbors Above You in the Apartment Building They shouldn't be there. Being that they are there, we have to accept that your neighbors have to eat. I've complained to the landlord about neighbors having dinner. It doesn't work. You may want them to stop chewing because you can hear that, along with their walking. Even so, they might choke, and then their coughing will wake you up. Then I have to hear the mom telling them they have to chew eighteen times. It's hard to not hate these people. Your Neighbors who Leave their Garbage Outside their Front Door Why should their house smell? That is quite selfish of you. Maybe they will take it down to the garbage at some point, if you don’t. Always see the positive. People Who Sit with Their Phone at Dinner Your conversation as a family member is not interesting. Why should anybody have to sit down to dinner without their friends?! There might be an emergency in a teenager’s life. They might have a friend who just realized they are going to a movie. There might be a new game out. A guy might have said ‘Hi’ to a young girl. That's a life changer. Children Who Leave Their Parents in Senior Citizens Home and Not Visiting They already did their job. You are not going to get anything else out of them. Why should they have to have them around anymore? Children Who Scream and Run Outside Your Door, While You Are Trying to Sleep Running inside the home is excellent exercise. You're raising healthy children who enjoy keeping their parents up. Most importantly, if you don’t allow them to run, one day, they might end up baselessly hating you and leave you in a senior citizens home. Take these lessons for Tisha BAv. We understand that it may be hard to judge favorably the rest of the year. We're suggesting one day. Hate people after Tisha BAv. Let's make this a beautiful and giving Tisha BAv of love for all fellow people. After Tisha BAv you have till Yom Kippur to get mad at them again. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Why I Love America & July 4th7/4/2021
I think this guy stole the flags. That's why he's running. The only difference for Israelis, with this July 4th celebration taking place in America, is that there are Palestinian flags here. it's beautiful to see them showing support for America too. They're probably standing on the side of the road because they didn't steal those flags and they're following traffic rules. (photo credit to the NY Times, whose photographer didn't stop any of this)
I ehhh visitie Amerikai summer. I see Jewly four. I love eet. Eet ehhh say 'Amerika greaty.' Dees why I love US of A and Jewly ehhh four.
Freedom to Practice Religion I get off side of highway I do ehhh standie. I say Amidah prayer and I go to peeee. Just like in Israel. On side of highway we ehhh standie to peee and to pray. Even better, in US of A they have zis sing called 'restroom.' You go to pee and you fall asleep. So, I fall asleep and I wake up and zen I do Amidah prayer. It's on side of highway, but I get to go insidie. Oh. Ehhh lots of shuls in Amerikai. Heree are eeeh lot of shuls that I will never step foot in. I heareee zis from Amerikai. I like ehhh no go shul. Shul made for Jewy to no go. In Israeli, we make shul so Jew go. Anti-Semitism It exists, but Americai are ehhh generally too proper to say it in a nasty way. Zey so nice. Zey say 'I ehhh no like Jew.' I say, 'Sank you. Very nice of you. I come again.' It like ehhh zey greet, 'Shalom velcome, we no want you.' I no go back country club. Zey say 'Jew no welcome hearie.' I say, 'I go, as long as zees no shul.' OU on Everything Everysing is kosher. Everywhere. I sink. I no know. I sink it kosher. It say OU or OR. It ehhh look same. I eat. Happy Jewly Four, sank you to Hashgacha kosher 'OR' on package. Freedom of Expression We can complain about anti-Semitism. In Israel, you complain, nobody care. Shopping Always ehhh great deal. Salie everywhere. Ehhh I no need go shuk. I go Marshall, TJ, Kohly. Zey ehhh mitmakeyach, bargainy, for ehhh me. Zey say $100, zen cross out, and writie 50. Zen I see 10 dolllarie. Store bargainie for me. Ehhh it like shuk wees no argumenty. Zeh taggy fight wis eetselfie. Eet ehh say, 'no, I only payie $10.' I say 'sank you.' I see clearance rackie. I sink somebody lie. BBQs Ehhh celebrate Jewly of Four wis ehhh BBQ. I sought I was celebrating Israel Independence Day. I guess it's something we do around zeh vorld ehhh. Eet weird ehhh to see Amerikai celebratee Yom HaAtzmaut on ehhh Jewly of Four. I say zem, 'You supposed to do eeen ehhh May, zeh latest. Sometime Apreeel.' Even ehhh, I say sank you for ehhh BBQ for Israeli independent on Jewly of Four. Very nice of you. Sank you to Canada for ehhh our independence too. Ehhh. We love BBQs. In Israeli, we do ehhh BBQ. Ehhh we call it ehhh Mangal. It's ehhh small. US of A do BBQ ehhh it huge. I sink ehhh size of BBQ eet ehhhh eees size of peeopolee. Amerikai ehhh beeg, ehhh cause ehhh BBQ ehhh beeeg. Sunday and Monday Off Israeli. We no even Sunday off. Hereee eet ehhh Sunday vMonday. Zees two day!!! Wallah. Ehhh zees independence. No go work, zees independence. Independence for Israeli. Sank you. Lovie Amerikana. National Holidays Zeees ehhh another day off. We have ehhh to get off for our holidays, and then walla! We also have to take off for zehh national holidays. Zeees working in Amerikaina zees summer makie good. Lovie. No work Sunday or holiday. It's ehhh good to be ehhh religious in Amerikai. Country give ehhh off holiday of country. Very religious country. Fire Workers Zey ehhh have ehhh fire workers. Zey ehhh go boom. In ehhh Israeli, we ehhh hearee fire workers, ehhh we no know if ehhh zees war or wedding in Ramallah. Eizer way, we hearie boom and ehhh we go inside. It ehhh boom, it ehhh bomb, we no know. Zees ehhh not ehhh Amerikai Jewishie songie, 'Booom Bomb Booom Booom Bomb, cheerie cheerie Boom Bomb.' We hearie boom, we no cheerie cheerie. It not way ehhh we say 'Shabbat Shalom,' I now in New York. I love. It's like Israelie wis ehhh more ehhh Jews. I say 'Shalom' and they say 'Shalom.' I love ehhh zis holiday. Not as much as Yom HaAtzmaut. Ehhh, it weird Amerikai no have ehhh Independence Day, just Jewly of Four. But ehhh I love zey make holiday just for Jew. Maybe it for my friend Jewly. I don't know. Jewly Four Sameach ***Note: The Kibbitzer wrote his article through dictation of Shmulik. We gave up on spellcheck with the word 'ehhhh.' Some of the 'this's had more 'e's. We left as is. We believe Shmulik is still celebrating Israeli Independence Day of July 4th, as we received this article three weeks ago and have not had another contribution from him since. We are writing this note after the 4th of July. If you see an Israeli running around with an American and Israeli flag, please contact us. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How to Stay Up Shavuot Night5/11/2021
The two main traditions of Shavuot are learning Torah and eating blintzes. Preparation for the receiving of the Torah and to eating dairy in rolled up crepe form, are holiday requirements. Known as Tikun Layla Shavuot, it is an atonement for us falling asleep before receiving the Torah in the desert.
The eating, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise, is hard. What people who are lactose intolerant do for Shavuot, I do not know. Maybe they skip the holiday. Myself, I take this holiday seriously and do not sleep. Let me share some of the methods that have helped me connect with this tradition, staying awake on Shavuot: Eat a Long Meal Most people end their meals at around 10pm. They are stuck with a good six to seven hours of learning. I haven’t studied anything for six hours since my last college exam; and that was because I never showed up to class. Eating and enjoyment on the holiday are also Mitzvahs. Hence, you want your meal to go as close to sunrise as possible. You can accomplish this by chewing. Many suggest 18 chews before swallowing, corresponding with the Hebrew word ‘Chai,’ meaning life. I just came up with that, but it sounds really good. To extend my meal, I was chewing well over 40 times. For the solids, I was chewing up to 80 times. To extend the meal even longer with conversation, I didn’t talk with my mouth full. That was the first meal in my life where I sat with other people, eating, and had no conversation. People were asking me questions, but I was acting proper and waiting till there was no food in my mouth before answering them. I never answered them. Stuff Blintzes Don’t just eat. There is a myriad of ways you can stuff blintzes. Fill them with cheese. Fill them with cottage cheese. Fill them with feta cheese. There are hundreds of kinds of cheeses. Blintzes can also be stuffed with fruit, chocolate, potatoes, chicken, brisket. Make an activity of it, and you will pass the night learning how to fill up your blintzes. Filling blintzes with different berries is a good hour and a half right there. If you want, cheese can be the night’s filling focus. Do Not Learn If you learn, you will fall asleep. The countless number of times I have fallen asleep over the years, in the Yeshiva’s Beis Medrash, is astonishing. The only ones not surprised were the rabbis. Show up 20 Minutes Late to Class Knowns as Shiur, the classes are going to happen with or without you. So, do not feel bad if you disrupt the class by showing up late. If you show up 20 minutes late, looking exhausted, everybody will think you just came from doing something important, like filling blintzes. That trick got me fired. So, do not do that at your job. This trick also got me a 1.7 my sophomore year in college. Walk Go for a shpatzeer. A shpatzeer is a slow and steady walk, at a pace that ensures you will not sweat. Therefore, it's not exercise and a religious thing to do on a holiday. After eating, you will need to walk. The Neshama Yeteira, extra holy soul we receive on Shabbat and holidays, only needs so many calories. The rest will sit on you and stay after the holiday. I have a feeling the Neshama Yeteira doesn't leave, as I put on twelve pounds last Shavuot. I didn't even have twelve pound cakes; I had one. I have a feeling the Neshama Yeteira stays and it has a really slow metabolism. Walk to the Kotel Thousands from around Jerusalem, who stayed up all night, gather at the Kotel for the morning service. Start walking as early as you can. One year, I went straight from dinner to the Kotel, and I missed the morning prayer service. That is how successful I was at staying up all night. Walking to the Kotel will help eat away learning time. Living in the outskirts of the city, such as Gilo, can be beneficial for this technique of staying up to learn without learning. If you live in Har Nof, that is your night. This method works even better if you're living outside of Jerusalem. It may be forbidden, but the trek will keep you up for days. Drink Coffee I would suggest a slushee mochaccino. It's more fun. Ritalin also seems to be an excellent stimulant. Chances are that the children have it. Take the Ritalin and follow my methods of staying up all night, and you will fit right in with the academic community. Warning: Ritalin may be addictive. Try to load up on coffee and cola instead. Caffeine is more socially acceptable. So, stick to mochaccino until you can find Ritalin in drink form. If none of this helps, bring up anything political and somebody will get passionate. That will keep you up. Bring up COVID, travel, anything about Israel or Donald Trump, and you will be kept occupied by their opinion. Just don't try responding with any ideas of your own, unless if you want to be kept up past sunrise. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)
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