The last of my Musar (moral thoughts) for this week, is now continued. I feel like a good rabbi sharing these thoughts and telling you how bad you are. And it is all geared at other people. I don't like to look at myself when I'm giving Musar. I like to blame others for the issues. It's easier to rebuke that way.
These people that aren't by their loved ones, have no idea what I'm talking about. 'Why is he complaining?' Because you have no idea what I'm talking about. If people got it, I wouldn't feel this need to go off on this not visiting thing. If they understood how important it is to ensure that the station is changed off Delilah every once in a while, I wouldn't have to share these thoughts on how you have to be at the 'home.'
My thought: It's always the people that are the reason for the complaint that have a problem with it. 'Ugh. Why does she think we are self-centered snobs?' Because you are. I hope I helped I somebody with that thought.
​
You Can Only Know How Bad It Is If You're There
You'll have shifts where care is not done. It happens. You'll see the staff there, not coming to the room. Cleaning, meds, no idea if they are done. Have of the cleaning supplies are not in the room. They're focused on their phones. A line of six of them on their phones, like teenagers at dinner. The roller chairs lined up at the nursing station waiting to see if any friends need their help. 
Good and bad happens. You have to know the shifts. The only way to know the shifts is to know the people. To be there. To be the annoying one they all hate, because you noted to them that it might be the right thing to cut the resident's fingernails every once in a while. Then you see the aides on their phones, taking bets on whose fingernails will grow the longest over four months. FIguring out the over under on room Fran.
I've noticed so much just being there. If I wasn't sitting here right now, I wouldn't understand how loud the air-compressor is. If I didn't spend three hours here straight, I wouldn't know how much your head can hurt from the sound of a lawnmower running for three hours right near my face. If I wasn't here right now, I wouldn't notice all the people that would be so happy if their family cared enough to visit. That's sentimental stuff right there. 
I wouldn't see all the people that are wondering if their children are alive. I wouldn't notice the residents spacing out and staring at the stucco.
You don't know how bad the music in the room is, if you're not there. The aides are picking some of their favorites. There is only so much '80s soft rock one can listen to. If I wasn't here right now, I wouldn't know about the beep going off the last forty-five minutes. I wouldn't know how much Hallmark was being played.
If you cared, you would be by them, reading to them, helping them move, maybe even watching something other than a love story about a divorced woman, sharing family time with the kids. A break from Hallmark with their child isn't the worst thing to have every day. You would ensure the 45 degree position that the untrained aide forgot to leave dad in.
If you cared, you would've known about the Salsa fiasco. Somehow, Salsa is somebody's tradition, so it has to be played twenty-four hours a day, when the messed up aide is there. Spanish music mix isn't the tradition. Constant Salsa, when sleeping, and bothering your neighbors is the tradition for this aide.

Pop-ins
At the very least, pop-ins. ​You have to be there every day to ensure decent care in most of these institutions they call homes. For the unloving child, pop-ins have a place.
I said 'every day.' That's too much. I am sorry for suggesting that your parents should be part of your life. It's much easier to not have to worry if you're not there. Let's leave it at visiting once a week for a few minutes. A pop-in. Pop-ins are exciting. You show up and see them hanging off the side of the bed, say 'hi' and head out. 
Pop-ins are perfect for ensuring that the care is not getting done. You pop-in and check to make sure the place isn't clean, and head out. You let dad know you're doing well and you are just checking to make sure the experience of hell is right for dad. It's a different way of showing you care. It's like abandonment with care.

Sometimes Stuff Doesn't Get Done When You're Not There
Some staff is like, 'What are they going to do? Tell on us? So we skip today's treatment. They're old, nobody will know. Let's see whose nails grow longer. Focus on the nails.' One of the fun games with the fingernails is to see how long they get before a family member complains. I've seen people with four inches on the nails. Unpolished nails. I once heard a nurse say, they haven't visited in three inches.
Sometimes it's a weekend and there is no staff. The place can't find somebody to man the unit, so they have a free day to see who survives. 

If You Are Not There, You're Not There
That is profound. I try to share novel ideas that strike one's mind. Don't give me the, 'I pray and I feel like I am there.' I am not mocking prayer here. Pray and connect with the spiritual. But don't think for a second that your parents wouldn't appreciate your prayers more, if you were there, praying with them.
Prayers for people are great, but you can't tell your parents you're praying for them. That doesn't bring Chizuk (strength). You can't tell dad, 'I'm praying for you.' Now your dad is asking: 'Did I sin?' 'Did my daughter convert?' 'Am I going to hell?' The only way you can tell somebody you're praying for them is if you're telling them, 'I am praying for you, because you are about to die.' You have to add on how sick they are, so they don't think you are deeming them a sinner. On the other hand, it might be hard to tell somebody you're praying for them, and then to list all their diseases to them. Maybe you should first ask them if they want the list. Advice: Before you let somebody know you're praying for them, first make sure it's clear to them how bad their life is.
If you're not there, you can't tell the doctors to stop talking about your loved one as a study of illness. You can tell the doctor that the person they are talking about is right there. You can tell them, 'Though they can't talk, they still have a soul, that I am praying for.' You can tell them to not dissect the corpse they are talking about.

You Can't See How Great the Staff Is
If you're not there, you can't see the amazing care that the nurses and aides are doing for your parents. You can't be there to thank the staff for the love they show your parents. You can thank them for the excellent care. There is a lot of excellent care. I just like to focus on the negative when I'm rebuking the world.
When I rebuke, I rebuke. You think the old Jewish people are not trying to figure out why their children turned into nonJewish kind people who look different? When they see these kind aides and nurses, they start to think these are their kids. They like to think their children are good people that would visit. That's what senile is. Senile is the hope that your kid is one of the aides who cares about you. Obviously, any sensical human being would know their kids don't care. And then, 'Why the hell is my kid changing me right now?' It is all confusing. 'Where the hell did my house go?' Senile.
Nobody wants to go to a Musar Shmuz (a speech on moral improvement) to hear how great they are. No decent Jew would walk out of a speech like that feeling good. 

Disclaimers
I understand that there are other factors involved in life. Like somebody may need open heart surgery in a different state, so they can't visit mom and dad right now. I also respect Tehillim and prayers very much. It is appreciated and it helps the soul and our connection with God. So, as long as praying isn't your alibi for not visiting, you might not be a jerk.
Prayer is great. Visiting is great. They’re the right thing to do. Nothing is better than a person you don't want to see for very long, visiting you. Visiting and prayer is great for community, and extended family. Whatever extended family means, depends on how much you like the relative. If you can’t stand them, they’re extended family. You want extended family to do pop-ins.
When you're a sibling, a child, a parent, a spouse, the closest family member they have, prayer is not enough. Visiting is not enough. You have to be there.

Conclusion
Be there. Join in the experience of seeing people's tushes. Share in hell. Play Bingo. It's not that bad. You can even pray in hell. You can bring the grandchildren to join in the experience of hell. You can have great family time in hell. 
I think there are enough reasons to be there. If it's too much for you to get out of the house to visit, bring them back to your house. Get a reclining bed, set it at 45 degrees and make sure the TV is set to Hallmark. Maybe dad will also get to see his grand-kids passing through. Grand-kids pass through. You see them on the way to stuff. Grandchildren don't do pop-ins. Just pop-byes. More like hop-byes. Grand-kids like to hop. If they have a friend over, they might do a hop-in.
And no complaining about the gown. If it's fine for them to walk around their home with the tush showing, it's fine to walk around your home like that too.
Now that I got that off my chest, I love the recliner beds. I'm going to try to get on one of those, pop on some Hallmark, and drink some ginger ale with crushed ice. Can't wait till Bingo this afternoon. We're hitting that.

Somebody had to look like an angry person on behalf of others. If you don't start visiting more, I'll write another one of these sermons of anger. 

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

I am still bothered by abandonment. So, here comes more of my manifesto of rebuke.
Why does our society care about kids and not care about our elders? We have to care about anybody that can't get a decent job. That should be the rule. Even at shul I hear somebody talking about how we need more for the youth. Everybody jumped in. 'Yes. We need to focus on the youth.' Nobody ever focuses on the old people. 'We need more youth programming. Let the old people die.'
It's this not caring about about the older people that leads to abandonment in these homes. Families let them go to these homes and die. Of course, the community is happy to not have to see them in shul, coughing in the choolante.
Being around the nursing facilities and hearing that youth focus got to me. We can mend the community issue by bringing the youth to do a Purim dance at the homes. I am truly bothered by these families that don't come around.
I'm not talking about family visiting. That, I've only seen once. I'm talking to those people that don't get how important it is to be there. I am talking to everybody right now, including myself. Other than that one family who popped in on a holiday half a year ago. Maybe they forgot that old people can ruin a holiday for the youth.

Treat it like Their Home and Be There
If it's their home, at least visit. I am attacking you right now. I don't know if it's you. There are a lot of people not visiting. Everybody can visit more. It's probably you. I am always amazed when I meet people and they tell me their parents are the greatest people. There are a lot of jerks in the world. I am sure, some of them are parents.
What excuses do you have for not being there? Too much going on? You have to focus on the youth of the community? Have you ever went to a community play that you couldn't skip? Are you afraid you're going to miss the TV show? Do you have to be there for the kids? No. There has never been any community theater that you shouldn't have missed. There has never been a community rendition of Fiddler On The Roof that did not ruin your night. You have Netflix. If you're not binge watching your shows then you have to learn time management. You can take your kids to visit their grandparents.

If You Cared, You Would Be There
That almost rhymes. Take out the 'd.'
​Do you realize they're spacing out all day? You don't know and you don't care to know. I feel wrong for suggesting that people visit their parents more often. I feel like the idea is killing somebody's weekend.
If they can look up at the correct 45 degree angle, they're watching Hallmark. Stuck watching Hallmark with the echo of their roommate, who's watching the other Hallmark, none movie, channel; killing dad's Hallmark experience. Dad's just trying to watch Hallmark, like a good resident. Residents are supposed to watch Hallmark. It should be in the initiation manual. And his roommate is killing his Hallmark experience, with Hallmark. It's confusing to have two Hallmark channels.

The Forty Five Degrees
They need to be able to see and watch TV at the 45 degree angle they leave them in. Forty five degrees, that's the nursing home position. The 45 degree recliner position. That's why the beds recline. If they didn't, the residents wouldn't be able to be in the necessary 45 degree position. 

I Have Seen The People And They Are Bored
There is lonely, and then there is bored. Lonely is a single person. Bored is a single person that doesn't know how to play solitaire. 
I've seen people in the unit who have no abilities. They stare at a ceiling. If they could play solitaire on the ceiling, they wouldn't be bored.
If you cared, you would be there. You would buy them those glow in the light ceiling stickers, and put together a Milky Way, or some kind of smiley face. They would count stars. Instead, these people stare at a ceiling, and no family is there to join them in the activity of stucco staring. It's not a bad activity. But it is much more enjoyable to stucco stare when your kid is there staring and counting the bumps with you. 
Other than that, the TV is on the wrong station. But you wouldn't know that one of the left-wing aides switched the channel. So now your parent is listening to CNN and they're starting to hate Israel.
They're listening, because the TV is right in front of their bed and they're only at a 45 degree angle. They can't see the TV.

If You Cared
There seems to be a theme here.
If you cared, you would be there to ensure that your dad was having the full 'home' experience, and that Hallmark was running on that TV at all times. You would place the screen above the bed, on the ceiling, so they could see it. You would make sure your dad was playing Bingo. Enjoying the Bingo beauty of nursing facilities. The cleanest Bingo houses in America, where Bingo is played with no smoke, while drinking Shasta.
I have been around many non-profits, and I have noticed that true skill and talent is playing Bingo without smoking. It's not an easy feat.
I have witnessed some amazing Bingo games in my lifetime. The greatest win was when somebody called Bingo, and it just so happened that the cigarette butt
accidently landed on O63, and they needed that 63.

If it Isn't Good Enough For You
Here are some arguments for you.
'If it's not good enough for you...' That is the question you have to ask. What are you sending them to a place that is not good enough for you? How is it good enough for them? How is it good enough for them to listen to all these other chachers, hocking phlegm on them, when you can't even deal with a sneeze?
You stuck them in hell. One woman, that can talk, was telling me that she's in hell. I had to to tell her to enjoy hell. What else can I do. Tell her that her kids suck? I didn't have to tell her that her kids suck. She was able to talk. She told me they suck. They suck and they never visit. 'Their dad said it's too far. They live forty minutes away. It's too much to come out. It's not too much for them to go into my ban account those... I did a bad job as a parent. Raising such selfish little... And then this place. Who sticks somebody in hell? The nurses. Those devils... The aides. Little satins... Haven't seen a doctor around. It's one of those pick your health plans for Fran... My kids don't care.' I think the home is happy more people can't talk.
I'm not even going to ask the question of why they are not in your house. Everybody has good reason for kicking family out of the house. By me, I was twenty-five. My parents felt it was time for me to get a job and learn how to use a microwave.
If it's not good enough for you, maybe you should think about the house.

What Can Go Wrong When You're There?
Seeing you. That can go wrong.
They might feel too much love. That would go against the reason you sent them to the home. You sent them there to let them know they're not loved. It would be too confusing to show up. Then they would think they were loved and still part of the family. Or, you can do stuff with them there. You can have family events there, and let them know they're loved. If you cared and didn't show up with all your gloom and smugness.
I have seen people bring down the room at a nursing facility. How do you bring down the mood at a nursing home, when somebody is on a ventilator? You've got to be a really gloomy individual to bring down the mood.

Being There is the Solution
You can feel like you're in hell too. You stuck them there, you can feel it too. Either that, or you can celebrate the smell of old. There's a smell. No cologne has a line of old, but it's not that bad. It's a good smell, once you accept it.
There is so much you can do when you share hell. Playing cards is one of them.
You can see the aides and nurses not coming around and checking. You can see when the care is not happening. How do you do that? By caring. That's the theme. Caring. Caring enough to smell old people and play cards.

Show Them They're Valued
Just be there for people can help them feel valued. Let them know their loved. Let them know their love means something. Let them know how their smile brightens the world. Let them know they are still part of your lives. That they're on your mind when you're skiing and not seeing them for a month. Let them know you are happy they are not dead. That's all people need. 
When people feel not needed or wanted, they want death. That's what I have learned from my extensive study of friends and family. I am sorry that I haven't logged it. I am sure it works into the Chi Square method. You stuck your dad in the home, and you are not inviting him to join the construction team. He's not knocking down the walls of your apartment for the renovations. Show him he's valued. Show him his life is worth something. Show him he's wanted. You might even get put back in the will.
Learn to love the cough. Love their smile. Love their touch. Love the smell of old. If you love that stuff, you give them value. All people need in this world is to know they're loved and valued. You can't do that by running away from the cough.
​Ask anybody, they will tell you that there is no better feeling than knowing people don't want you dead.
​
Shall Continue Tomorrow
That's enough care for today. I'll continue with more about how bad you are, and how I am bothered by you, tomorrow.

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

I like the idea of calling these place homes. I just don't think that anybody sees it as a home.

They Call It a Home
If a home was a place that had none of your belongings, other than stuff that sticks to the wall, it's a home. But no family sees these places as their parents' home. Nobody grew up with fond memories of their parents chasing them around the oxygen machine, and the hydration machine feeling like a lawnmower running in the house all day. I don't know many that grew up with fond memories of Max and Bernie, dad's first roommates who always had their tush showing, who died.
I walk through to my Mom and I see these people without family in the homes and it hurts my heart. You stuck this old family member that raised you, changed your diapers, did your laundry for twenty years and dealt with you as a teenager, in the facility. There is no way you were easier to deal with as a teenager, than your dad who is too weak to argue. 
If it's their home, then visit. You stuck them there, the least you can do is be there for them. But you are not. These people are alone. What's worse, many of them are just staring at ceilings, with not even the ability to turn on their TVs, to keep their mind off the fact their kids don't visit, with nobody looking out for them, forgotten by their families. This sounds like rebuke. Good.
Warning: There is a lot of reprimanding in the next couple thoughts. So, only read this if you're a child who feels bad about not caring enough. If you care about not caring, that might make you a child who cares. I don't know. I just figure that if you care about not caring, you'll like being rebuked.

Getting Rid Of The Problem
Families drop them off and leave them. It's like those boarding schools, where you get rid of your old person.
They chuck the problem out of the house. 'Dad's been coughing too much. I can't enjoy dinner like this. What can we do?... How can we get rid of him and not feel bad about it? Where can we drop these people off?... We'll drop him off at one of those homes. They call them homes. He loves homes.' Now, the family can live in joy, without the old people chaching (with a Jewish use of the Hebrew 'chach') all over.
So, you put them in a 'home.' You kick them out of the house and put them in a home. They call it a 'home' to make you feel better about kicking them out of the home. And then you never visit the home.

Are They Homes
They call it a home, but you know it's not. You just want the old problem out. Any sale would work. The family loves the pitch, wheeling around eighty year old dad to, 'Here's the home that dad's going to be moving to... No. We don't have room for the big flat screen. One of the kids should take that as an inheritance. It's fine. We'll provide a TV. It's eighteen inches and fifteen feet from the bed... Your dad's new dining room is shared with these thirty people she never met... They all chach during service. That's the standard lighting. Bright. That's our motto. "Keep the lights bright at all times." And here's the bathroom. Shared with that guy... And leave everything somewhere else. There's not enough room in the home. His home is that side of the room... Throw it out. Trust me. And Shasta. We don't do Coke. Shasta Cola and Hallmark. That's what we do. If your dad likes Bingo, he's going to love his new home. And best part of it all, everybody coughs a lot.' The family is saying, 'Thank Gd. That's it. We don't have to hear the cough anymore. Take him. He'll make a lot of new friends. They can chach together.' They're happy that the administration at the home understands how annoying the hacking cough is.
'Here's your new home with your roommate that is going to be mooning you all day.' 'Here's your new home with none of your stuff... Where is it? We inherited it.' 'But i'm alive.' 'The big flat screen is in our house. We made a theater.'
The families know it's not a new home. That's why they never show up.

Call It Whatever You Want
How about we call it a facility and treat it like a home?! A home where you visit for regularly, because you want to see your parents? And you still love them, even though they already wrote the will? 
Be there. It's wrong to not be there. If it truly was your parents' home, you would visit. People visit their parents' home. So now you have a home, owned by Medicare, with a bunch of hack coughing helpless people, staring at a ceiling. It's like a town of people with really bad lung control. A city of refuge for people who have too much mucus and nose hair.

Kibud Av vEim is Lost
When Is Kibud Av vEim, Honoring Your Parents, done? When you can't get anything from them. That's when you drop them off. It's shocking to me that people end the honoring of their parents when their parents can't support them anymore. It usually happens right after the parents lose their job. They're coughing in the office and they lose their job. It's downhill from there.
Anger towards having to see parents happens before the cough. Every married couple complains when parents come to visit. It's American tradition to complain about parents visiting. 'Oh. They're coming. Now we have to clean, and they're going to get in our way. They're going to want to take the kids to soccer. Embarrassing. Shoot. Got to make the beds too.' Yes. They are going to get in your way. You were in their way the first twenty years of your life. They didn't sleep for fifteen of those. After that they questioned whether their child would ever get out of the house, but they hosted you. They didn't know if they wanted you, but they kept you in the house, and loved you. The least you can do is have them over for a week, and throw some linens in the wash.
Chas vShalom, God forbid, they become frail. Now, they might be in your house for two weeks. Two weeks of phlegm. So, you chuck them in a 'home.'
Visit.
If you feel like I am talking to you, and this bothers you, good. I am sitting right across from a girl who hasn't been visited in ten years. Her family stuck her in here, and Spanish music has apparently not changed since Louis Miguel.
American society is built to make you feel good about not having to take care of the frail. How do you do that? Send them away. If you don't see them, you don't feel bad.​ The key is to forget about them. Then, you don't feel like you abandoned them.
If they're there, you've got to now treat it as their home.

What is Kibud Av VaEim
Honoring your parents is realizing what they have done for you. It's thanking them for bringing you into this world, for life. Maybe I'm not selling this well. I can understand why a lot of people hate their parents.

How Do I Know It's Their Home
Older people like to downsize. It's the final downsizing move. You end up with two shirts and three pants of your own. You get to take five pictures to hang; four must be wallet sized. 
Other than downsizing, I don't know where the rest of these people's stuff is. I can't imagine the families care enough to put their parents' stuff in storage. Maybe they divvy it out.
Now, it's their home. It's the only choice they have. Their bed is there. They've got a professional cleaning crew. They've got a pair of pants that now goes higher on the waist. It's a really small apartment with no fridge. Everything they own is there, in a dresser and on the wall. You took the rest of it. 
They have new family known as aides.

The Homes Should Take In the Old People
The facilities should be adoption agencies. This will clear the air. You drop off your old family member who coughs a lot, because it's an annoying hacking cough, at these new homes. Your parents will be fine with you letting them go, after screaming at them for the past year and a half, for being them and old. Instead of nursing facilities, you drop them off at one of the Old Person Adoption Agencies for Abandoned Ninety Year Olds.
Might as well put the old people up for adoption. Old people adoption would be a great business. If you put up your old dad for adoption, you can probably make good money off it. The nursing facilities are already making money off it. This way, you can make money too. 
It's good money. These nursing homes have already figured out how to get the adoption money from Medicare. It's just a matter of making it clear that you, the children, don't want them anymore. If your parents loved you, they would be fine with you putting them in these foster homes for people who like to wear gowns.
Yes. I feel extremely bad for these people I see abandoned at these facilities for 363 days a year; the days that aren't Christmas, Thanksgiving, or the February 29th when it's there. If you just put your parents up for adoption by new children, it would be better,

The Aides Are Sweet Children
The good ones, I mean. They're better than kids. Who wouldn't want to have an aide as a child? The aides are the ones your parents see daily. It's just a matter of making it official.
Nursing aides as children would be better for your parents. It would make mom and dad feel good to know their children are loving people. Mom and dad deserve to have children who care about them. 

Don't End Their Life Early
Once you take them for that visit to the home, mom and dad know that's the end. Mom and dad sitting there while you talk about their future. When people start talking about you, in front of you, you know that life is going down hill.
And then you try to sell them on it. It never sounds good. 'Look mom. That's Thelma. You remember her from shul twenty years ago. She's still alive. Ninety eight and still kicking. She's going to be right down the hall from you.' 'The administrator said that there are other people who chach here. You'll be around pears who can't talk.'
Even just saying 'administrator in your home' sounds off. You might as well tell them, 'We are giving you over to the State now.'

Conclusion
How can we mend this new 'home' conundrum? Be there.
For better or worse, it's their home. Treat it like that. If you can't handle it, there is a problem. If you have an issue seeing frail people with poor lung control, don't put that on mom and dad. If you can't stand people having to see people lick their fingers in order to turn pages, don't put that on other people. 
Be there and make it good times.​ How? That's going to be hard to figure out. Start by learning how to love Bingo. 
If you're not going to be there, be honest. Call it what it is. Abandonment. A home of abandonment. If it was a child you were throwing into a group setting, because you couldn't stand cleaning their diaper, people would question you as a human. I really like the adoption idea. 'Your biological family wants to visit you.' That sounds good. 
If none of that works for you, live with them. Yes. Live with them. Make it your new life. Get used to watching Hallmark and Golden Girls. Make them happy and have the news playing all day in your den. 
Tomorrow is going to be about being there. If you really feel this home of shared dining room with thirty other people that don't keep Kosher is your dad's new home, then be there. Share dinner with him.
And it's no different than people with disabilities. Families drop them off too.
Disclaimer: If you truly hate your parents, and they abandoned you, I get it. Maybe these homes are filled with really nasty people who deserve kids that don't care about them.

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

Crisis isn't all that bad. I took off eight pounds last week.

How Does One Take Off Weight
I thought eating less was a thing. No. It's crisis. It's when you're worried about something. A loved one starts vomiting and you lose ten pounds. A kid falls off a bike, and you take off three pounds. You hear a family member is in a hospital and you immediately go down a few.
It's a stress based diet. And nothing helps with weight loss more than distress. It's an anomaly. The stress had me binge eating Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, pistachio ice cream, corn dogs and chips on mass, and I still took off weight. It's a stress miracle diet.

Stress Will Do It
Any form of worry will help you lose weight. Trauma is a huge help. From now on, I am going to put myself in scary situations. Next summer, I am going on every roller coaster I pass. Going up those things causes me fear and distress. I'll be scared and there is a chance I'll puke. Huge dogs with big jaws, I will try to find them. I'll break into estates or go to poor neighborhoods. I'll go to those really long Carlebach Friday night services. When they go on with those songs for half an hour, it stresses me out; especially when they start jumping.
Hospitals are still the best. I'm going to stick to hospitals and nursing facilities for weight loss.

Being There With Candy Machines You Lose More
When you're in the hospital or at the nursing facility, you lose more weight. It's that weight you lose when you're distressed and there's no real food around. Now you're stressed because the nurses haven't come around for fifteen hours, and you have no access to dinner. I can take off twelve pounds in one evening like that.

Everybody in Shul Said I Lose Weight
This community talks about everybody. Everybody came over and said I didn't look bad. That must've been the conversation in the women's section in the middle of the Musaf service. 'David doesn't look as bad as I thought he did.'
Some were hypothesizing, 'He must be worried about something.' 'Yes. He lost weight and he looks troubled.' 'He looks troubled, but good. Troubled looks good one him.' 'I think David will meet a girl if he is distraught.' And the service is over, so they come and tell me that I look like I took off weight.

They Think I'm Perpetually Out of Shape
People think I'm fat. That is my identity. I am always fat. They are shocked. If I am not obese, they are shocked. And then, when they notice I am not extremely out of shape, they wonder why I am not married. As, in their minds, heavy people are not fit for partnership.
It's, 'You took off weight. You look good.' Taking off weight has something to do with looking good. Nobody has ever told me, 'You look good. Looks like you put on a few.'

It Is My Beard
I was disheveled for a week, and then I cut it into a beard. The beard is a fat camouflage. As I was cutting it, I hit the sides so that it looked like a jawline was there. It's like makeup for men.
I actually did take off weight. Though, nobody would've noticed without the beard. I have a two day window to meet a woman now, before it's disheveled again.

Conclusion
Due to the crisis, I took off eight pounds and grew a beard.
Distress is good. Next time any of you find yourself in the hospital (you shouldn't know of such things), get svelte. Take advantage of it and get in shape. As for myself, I need to find a way to worry more, so that I continue to not look bad. 
I'm keeping the beard. The facial hair shows distraught, and that means I look thinner. I grew the hair on my face, and didn't shave for a week, because I was stressed. Again, distraughtness is a good thing. The pistachios add more fat to the ice cream. That's why I eat it.

​***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

​Good Shabbos to All
Journal Entry by Rabbi Shaya Kilimnick — December 17, 2015
          
Dear Family and Friends,
Today I had my third chemo treatment. So far, I am doing well and all the nurses, doctors and staff are wonderful. Today was BH (Blessed is God) better than yesterday. I am also having blood and platelet infusions a few times a week and blood work as well. My sister has come up from Florida to be with us and her children are here this weekend. My children came up to help. Some even flew in from Israel. They have been a wonderful help. The kids, still in Israel, are coming to be here. They have called almost every day. Some of my dear colleagues and friends  have been calling continuously from Israel and all over the country and a special visit from Rabbi & Mrs. Reuven Bulka and Rabbi Poupko was greatly appreciated. 

I am so appreciative of all the wonderful emails with words of encouragement, Hakarat Hatov and Tefillot. All of the messages have been a great source of encouragement and I thank you all. 
I know it's a long way to recovery and I am willing to travel on that Journey......It's a must. There is no alternative. I am grateful for all the love and caring from my Dear friend and Doctor, Bernie Susman. I have a wonderful Hematologist, and his associates. Above all I am so fortunate to have my wonderful wife who has been at my side every moment. And my children and children-in-law to assist me. And most of all to the members of Beth Sholom and the Rochester community for all their love and assistance.
UVACHARTA B'CHAYIM.....HASHEM INSTRUCTS US TO 'CHOOSE LIFE' ...This is my time to perform this demanding Mitzvah and with Hashem's help, the source of my strength, Ezri Ma'im Hashem....My tefilot are asking Hashem to listen to the prayers of so many on my behalf. I Trust He will. 
I wish everyone a wonderful Shabbos and Brachot to your families
Rabbi Shaya Kilimnick
 
His Child's Commentary & Lessons He Learned from Abba
16 hearts to Abba’s first post. The first post about the starting Caring Bridge, the posting platform had 71 hearts. I don't know how the hearts of the people went down 55 hearts. I thought this post was much deeper than the post that said 'Abba will be posting here.' It just goes to show, it's not the content. I'm happy there are only hearts on the Caring Bridge sharing platform. If there were likes, people would've been giving thumbs up to 'I got cancer.' I believe the heart emoji says it all.

I truly respect my father for sharing his Torah philosophy while in the darkest physical state of his life. He truly found Simcha, happiness, in the darkest of times, and shared that in the form of strength. Even in hurt, he lived the experience to the fullest.
My Abba’s first entry is very honest. He was going through a lot at the time, and he stood strong. He said he was going to make it through. He had Emunah, belief.
Friends and family visiting gives purpose, meaning and strength. The phone calls also give my father strength. It is the people visiting that is of value to my father. Those who don’t are not helping.
Abba wanted people to visit and make phone calls. Those two were really important, until you called too much. If you called on the house phone, it was too much. That thing was loud and nobody wanted to answer it. It would ring and you either had to get up from your comfortable position on the couch, or yell at everybody else in the house to answer it. The house phone ringing was the most tense thing that happened during the cancer run. It was a struggle every time, and only added to sickness. Lesson: If you're calling somebody who is healing, you call their cellphone. 
The visit gave my dad more strength and life than the phone call. Seeing people meant so much to my Abba. Abba always was and remains a community leader. Seeing anybody was meaningful to Abba. Even the food delivery that was sent by the neighbors meant a lot to Abba. We didn't know the guy, but we considered it a visit, as he brought deli sandwiches. And deli gives strength and hope.

It's good to see that I'm in there. I thought I hadn't done much good. It makes me feel better as a human to have some documentation that I was a decent son.

Hakarat Hatov, recognition of my father’s good is also of huge importance.
It’s amazing how Abba shows all the Hakarat Hatov, as well. His show of the recognition of the good of other people is unparalleled. It is a great lesson in appreciation of people and what they do. His ability to note the good of so many people shows how much he appreciates life. In my last conversations with my father, he only had good to say about everybody. He truly saw good in people. I didn't think they deserve it, but my father saw good. 
It would appear that Abba will keep this up. Seeing the good in each individual who is caring and appreciative is the lesson. When you see good in other people, you invest in them. You have to ask about their families. You have to listen in conversation. It's much easier to see bad. It takes less time. It’s that ability to know people’s children that Abba and good people have. As a grownup, I have learned that everybody loves when you ask about their kids. Even if their kid is a mess up.
​
I have no idea what the Hematologist does. There were a lot of doctors. I am sorry if I can’t follow all the issues. It's pathetic. I care. I just don't know if the doctor is dealing with blood, or bone structure, or teeth. I can follow that Abba is ‘willing to travel on that journey’ of recovery. That is not easy. That is what we have to know as people, to continue. That is what I have to know as his child. He is on a journey, and I am on it too.

My father really respected his rabbi friends, many of whom are great Tzadikim. The two that my father mentioned are with him in Olam Haba, sharing joy there. Good friends like to visit each other. 
I was afraid Mommy would get left out. She wasn't mentioned till the end. Abba doesn't bring up Mommy till the third to last paragraph. I believe that to be part of his speaker's skill set. You raise the emotion and keep everybody on their seat, wondering if you're going to mention your wife.
Congregation Beth Sholom is brought up as a ‘most of all.’ His students and people who he gives to, give him strength. There is something to giving that I might understand some day. When you give to people, you must feel your own strength in what they gave you back. It's an energy thing. If I took Tai Chi I would understand it a bit better.
Family, friends and community are important in healing. So many people feel useless. In the hardest of times, my father made himself useful. He sat down and shared his message, his life. That is a gift to us all. Don't tell my friend Sammy I said this. She loves to complain. She'll start hitting me up with calls if she found out I am willing to listen.

If all were there for the first couple of weeks, it would mean something, but very little. You'll see later on, we were around. As a family, you share all, especially disease.

The lesson of the day is to CHOOSE LIFE. Abba is teaching his congregants right now. He is the embodiment of a community leader. This is his real voice. The rabbi voice is Abba’s voice. Even in hard times, he is the rabbi. He is coaching people how to care for others. People were wishing my Abba a Refuah Sheleyma, a full recovery, and he was telling them they did it right. He was telling them life is a journey, no matter what happens. It's all a journey. Choose to live it.
'Family and friends.' Abba's congregants were his friends. He gave them so much. That is what a real friend does. A real friend cares about you.
Abba was giving them more strength than they gave him. He was comforting them, 'It will be OK for you. I have cancer. You will be OK with it. The chemo will go well for you.' I always told my dad these congregants were selfish. Even when he gets cancer, they're coming to him for guidance. 
Your prayers on his behalf brings the hope of his belief that H’ helps.
Lesson: What people give to each other is where hope and strength stems from. It’s a cyclical effort that strength of life is based on.

All Abba wanted was a 'Good Shabbos For All.' With all the messages of Hakarat Hatov, Choosing Life, and Journeys, Abba just wants people to have a Good Shabbos. He wants the selfish congregants to think about themselves and have a Good Shabbos, while he is going for chemo. And in our house, every Shabbat was celebrated. Abba chose life and a lot of food. We had huge meals and great family time. I owe all of my chubbiness to my parents.
Choosing life is a Mitzvah, and my father lived a life of Mitzvot in this world. Mitzvot of care for others.

(I see my commentary kind of like the Beit Yosef by R' Yosef Kairo. All great commentaries are much longer than the true work itself. Look at Torah.)
For an Aliyas Neshama for רב ישעיה בן יחזקאל זצ"ל and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

I can't think right now. Everything in these nursing facilities is loud. It is all constructed to wake you up. That's the goal. Once you're out of the hospital, they want to continue the experience of you getting no sleep. It starts with the machines, and then the staff ensures the loudness.

The Machines Are Loud
Can't have a machine that is silent. Got to have compressors and huge robot size (to me, that's R2-D2) machines going twenty-four a day, to ensure you don't sleep. The Oxygonizer. I don't know the names. They sound like American Gladiators. Either that, or they have a name like AirFlow, which is even more shocking, when it starts going off right near your bed at 70dB. I didn't know air was that loud. StormFlow is more accurate. How a tornado near your bed is good for anybody's health is a question.
You got a lawnmower in here 24 hours a day. I found one resident yelling out the window telling the neighbors to keep it down. Most of the residents are just dreaming of a neighbor that likes to do yardwork at 3am. They're telling the staff, ‘Tell them to stop mowing the lawn. These neighbors suck. Who moves right next to a nursing home and starts running at tractor in the middle of the nigh?!’​

They Talk Loud
Just in case you are falling asleep, they will talk loud right near your bed. Before that, they'll be yelling in the hallways.
Their discussion voice is loud, even at night. They come on the night shift and think the residents have been sleeping all day. They think they're up and ready to go, the residents should be too.
Sometimes, they'll bring a group to your room for a little hang out, and talk about you, so that you can't ignore them.

If That Doesn't Wake You The Light Comes On
There is no way to sleep through the light. The nurse comes in the room, yelling, and turns on a projector light that goes right into your eyes. They place it right above the bed, because they want you to open your mouth when they come in. They want you to feel like you're at a dentist. Why do you think so many people in nursing facilities have their mouths open all the time.
Don't worry, if you've got used to that, and the overhead light is not glaring enough, they have a flashlight.

They Even Knock on The Door
That's loud and jarring. They knock to get in your house, you can't hear them, they don't want to bother you if you're busy. You didn't even know their daughter was trying to sell you Girl Scout Cookies, because they tapped on your door. They come into a ninety year old's room, where the guy is sleeping two feet away from the door, and they're trying to knock the door down, banging, to give them meds. 
The knock is a quick warning that they are going to be loud. They are not asking to come in. They are coming in. They know you're not going to get up and answer the door.

If You Do Fall Asleep
They don't like that. They will come in an suction you. Or they will come in all passive aggressive and check you oxygen level. They do that by coming into the room and placing this little clamp on your finger for half a minute. It's just enough to wake you up.
If they have to, they'll pull out the stethoscope they've been keeping outside, to frostbite you. They'll even Q-Tip or Otoscope you if they have to. 

Every Two to Three Hours
They have it on the clock to come and make sure the machines are doing their job of keeping you up. If you're sleeping, for some reason, they'll wake you with one of their techniques they've mastered at nursing school, or aides college. If you've outdone all hearing aids, they'll find ways to touch you and poke you, and put eye-drops in your eyes at midnight.

They'll Wake You For Breakfast
If with all of that, you don't fall asleep, they're going to wake you for breakfast. Why? I don't know. You have nowhere to go. You can have breakfast at 2pm, you've accomplished enough, and you're at the nursing facility because your family expects nothing from you (other than money, down the road).
Now that day has come, you think it's time to sleep. They haven't let you sleep all night. No. There is light outside, you've got to get up to see it through your window. You're retired, got nowhere to go, other than an afternoon sing along in the hallway, and you've got to take on the day.
You start to regret that old adage you used to tell everybody, 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day.' This generation skips breakfast, because we have seen what happens at nursing homes.

Conclusion
They don't want you to get too much sleep. The staff needs something to do. If you've figured out a way to not get woken by the machines, they will make sure they're talking loud enough. Old people loud (old people loud is a higher level of amplitude- you learn it by trying to get responses in nursing homes).
They've mastered the art of keeping you up. If they have to, they'll hold a blow-dryer right by your face for the night. I'm sure they have medical grade blow-dryers nurses use to wake people up.

For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends...