Be There: It's Their Home

by David Kilimnick

​Thoughts From a Waiting Room #130 - In the Nursing Facility

I am still bothered by abandonment. So, here comes more of my manifesto of rebuke.
Why does our society care about kids and not care about our elders? We have to care about anybody that can't get a decent job. That should be the rule. Even at shul I hear somebody talking about how we need more for the youth. Everybody jumped in. 'Yes. We need to focus on the youth.' Nobody ever focuses on the old people. 'We need more youth programming. Let the old people die.'
It's this not caring about about the older people that leads to abandonment in these homes. Families let them go to these homes and die. Of course, the community is happy to not have to see them in shul, coughing in the choolante.
Being around the nursing facilities and hearing that youth focus got to me. We can mend the community issue by bringing the youth to do a Purim dance at the homes. I am truly bothered by these families that don't come around.
I'm not talking about family visiting. That, I've only seen once. I'm talking to those people that don't get how important it is to be there. I am talking to everybody right now, including myself. Other than that one family who popped in on a holiday half a year ago. Maybe they forgot that old people can ruin a holiday for the youth.

Treat it like Their Home and Be There
If it's their home, at least visit. I am attacking you right now. I don't know if it's you. There are a lot of people not visiting. Everybody can visit more. It's probably you. I am always amazed when I meet people and they tell me their parents are the greatest people. There are a lot of jerks in the world. I am sure, some of them are parents.
What excuses do you have for not being there? Too much going on? You have to focus on the youth of the community? Have you ever went to a community play that you couldn't skip? Are you afraid you're going to miss the TV show? Do you have to be there for the kids? No. There has never been any community theater that you shouldn't have missed. There has never been a community rendition of Fiddler On The Roof that did not ruin your night. You have Netflix. If you're not binge watching your shows then you have to learn time management. You can take your kids to visit their grandparents.

If You Cared, You Would Be There
That almost rhymes. Take out the 'd.'
​Do you realize they're spacing out all day? You don't know and you don't care to know. I feel wrong for suggesting that people visit their parents more often. I feel like the idea is killing somebody's weekend.
If they can look up at the correct 45 degree angle, they're watching Hallmark. Stuck watching Hallmark with the echo of their roommate, who's watching the other Hallmark, none movie, channel; killing dad's Hallmark experience. Dad's just trying to watch Hallmark, like a good resident. Residents are supposed to watch Hallmark. It should be in the initiation manual. And his roommate is killing his Hallmark experience, with Hallmark. It's confusing to have two Hallmark channels.

The Forty Five Degrees
They need to be able to see and watch TV at the 45 degree angle they leave them in. Forty five degrees, that's the nursing home position. The 45 degree recliner position. That's why the beds recline. If they didn't, the residents wouldn't be able to be in the necessary 45 degree position. 

I Have Seen The People And They Are Bored
There is lonely, and then there is bored. Lonely is a single person. Bored is a single person that doesn't know how to play solitaire. 
I've seen people in the unit who have no abilities. They stare at a ceiling. If they could play solitaire on the ceiling, they wouldn't be bored.
If you cared, you would be there. You would buy them those glow in the light ceiling stickers, and put together a Milky Way, or some kind of smiley face. They would count stars. Instead, these people stare at a ceiling, and no family is there to join them in the activity of stucco staring. It's not a bad activity. But it is much more enjoyable to stucco stare when your kid is there staring and counting the bumps with you. 
Other than that, the TV is on the wrong station. But you wouldn't know that one of the left-wing aides switched the channel. So now your parent is listening to CNN and they're starting to hate Israel.
They're listening, because the TV is right in front of their bed and they're only at a 45 degree angle. They can't see the TV.

If You Cared
There seems to be a theme here.
If you cared, you would be there to ensure that your dad was having the full 'home' experience, and that Hallmark was running on that TV at all times. You would place the screen above the bed, on the ceiling, so they could see it. You would make sure your dad was playing Bingo. Enjoying the Bingo beauty of nursing facilities. The cleanest Bingo houses in America, where Bingo is played with no smoke, while drinking Shasta.
I have been around many non-profits, and I have noticed that true skill and talent is playing Bingo without smoking. It's not an easy feat.
I have witnessed some amazing Bingo games in my lifetime. The greatest win was when somebody called Bingo, and it just so happened that the cigarette butt
accidently landed on O63, and they needed that 63.

If it Isn't Good Enough For You
Here are some arguments for you.
'If it's not good enough for you...' That is the question you have to ask. What are you sending them to a place that is not good enough for you? How is it good enough for them? How is it good enough for them to listen to all these other chachers, hocking phlegm on them, when you can't even deal with a sneeze?
You stuck them in hell. One woman, that can talk, was telling me that she's in hell. I had to to tell her to enjoy hell. What else can I do. Tell her that her kids suck? I didn't have to tell her that her kids suck. She was able to talk. She told me they suck. They suck and they never visit. 'Their dad said it's too far. They live forty minutes away. It's too much to come out. It's not too much for them to go into my ban account those... I did a bad job as a parent. Raising such selfish little... And then this place. Who sticks somebody in hell? The nurses. Those devils... The aides. Little satins... Haven't seen a doctor around. It's one of those pick your health plans for Fran... My kids don't care.' I think the home is happy more people can't talk.
I'm not even going to ask the question of why they are not in your house. Everybody has good reason for kicking family out of the house. By me, I was twenty-five. My parents felt it was time for me to get a job and learn how to use a microwave.
If it's not good enough for you, maybe you should think about the house.

What Can Go Wrong When You're There?
Seeing you. That can go wrong.
They might feel too much love. That would go against the reason you sent them to the home. You sent them there to let them know they're not loved. It would be too confusing to show up. Then they would think they were loved and still part of the family. Or, you can do stuff with them there. You can have family events there, and let them know they're loved. If you cared and didn't show up with all your gloom and smugness.
I have seen people bring down the room at a nursing facility. How do you bring down the mood at a nursing home, when somebody is on a ventilator? You've got to be a really gloomy individual to bring down the mood.

Being There is the Solution
You can feel like you're in hell too. You stuck them there, you can feel it too. Either that, or you can celebrate the smell of old. There's a smell. No cologne has a line of old, but it's not that bad. It's a good smell, once you accept it.
There is so much you can do when you share hell. Playing cards is one of them.
You can see the aides and nurses not coming around and checking. You can see when the care is not happening. How do you do that? By caring. That's the theme. Caring. Caring enough to smell old people and play cards.

Show Them They're Valued
Just be there for people can help them feel valued. Let them know their loved. Let them know their love means something. Let them know how their smile brightens the world. Let them know they are still part of your lives. That they're on your mind when you're skiing and not seeing them for a month. Let them know you are happy they are not dead. That's all people need. 
When people feel not needed or wanted, they want death. That's what I have learned from my extensive study of friends and family. I am sorry that I haven't logged it. I am sure it works into the Chi Square method. You stuck your dad in the home, and you are not inviting him to join the construction team. He's not knocking down the walls of your apartment for the renovations. Show him he's valued. Show him his life is worth something. Show him he's wanted. You might even get put back in the will.
Learn to love the cough. Love their smile. Love their touch. Love the smell of old. If you love that stuff, you give them value. All people need in this world is to know they're loved and valued. You can't do that by running away from the cough.
​Ask anybody, they will tell you that there is no better feeling than knowing people don't want you dead.
​
Shall Continue Tomorrow
That's enough care for today. I'll continue with more about how bad you are, and how I am bothered by you, tomorrow.

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.