The Machines Are Loud: Anything to Keep You Up

by David Kilimnick

Thoughts from a Waiting Room #127 - In Nursing Facility

I can't think right now. Everything in these nursing facilities is loud. It is all constructed to wake you up. That's the goal. Once you're out of the hospital, they want to continue the experience of you getting no sleep. It starts with the machines, and then the staff ensures the loudness.

The Machines Are Loud
Can't have a machine that is silent. Got to have compressors and huge robot size (to me, that's R2-D2) machines going twenty-four a day, to ensure you don't sleep. The Oxygonizer. I don't know the names. They sound like American Gladiators. Either that, or they have a name like AirFlow, which is even more shocking, when it starts going off right near your bed at 70dB. I didn't know air was that loud. StormFlow is more accurate. How a tornado near your bed is good for anybody's health is a question.
You got a lawnmower in here 24 hours a day. I found one resident yelling out the window telling the neighbors to keep it down. Most of the residents are just dreaming of a neighbor that likes to do yardwork at 3am. They're telling the staff, ‘Tell them to stop mowing the lawn. These neighbors suck. Who moves right next to a nursing home and starts running at tractor in the middle of the nigh?!’​

They Talk Loud
Just in case you are falling asleep, they will talk loud right near your bed. Before that, they'll be yelling in the hallways.
Their discussion voice is loud, even at night. They come on the night shift and think the residents have been sleeping all day. They think they're up and ready to go, the residents should be too.
Sometimes, they'll bring a group to your room for a little hang out, and talk about you, so that you can't ignore them.

If That Doesn't Wake You The Light Comes On
There is no way to sleep through the light. The nurse comes in the room, yelling, and turns on a projector light that goes right into your eyes. They place it right above the bed, because they want you to open your mouth when they come in. They want you to feel like you're at a dentist. Why do you think so many people in nursing facilities have their mouths open all the time.
Don't worry, if you've got used to that, and the overhead light is not glaring enough, they have a flashlight.

They Even Knock on The Door
That's loud and jarring. They knock to get in your house, you can't hear them, they don't want to bother you if you're busy. You didn't even know their daughter was trying to sell you Girl Scout Cookies, because they tapped on your door. They come into a ninety year old's room, where the guy is sleeping two feet away from the door, and they're trying to knock the door down, banging, to give them meds. 
The knock is a quick warning that they are going to be loud. They are not asking to come in. They are coming in. They know you're not going to get up and answer the door.

If You Do Fall Asleep
They don't like that. They will come in an suction you. Or they will come in all passive aggressive and check you oxygen level. They do that by coming into the room and placing this little clamp on your finger for half a minute. It's just enough to wake you up.
If they have to, they'll pull out the stethoscope they've been keeping outside, to frostbite you. They'll even Q-Tip or Otoscope you if they have to. 

Every Two to Three Hours
They have it on the clock to come and make sure the machines are doing their job of keeping you up. If you're sleeping, for some reason, they'll wake you with one of their techniques they've mastered at nursing school, or aides college. If you've outdone all hearing aids, they'll find ways to touch you and poke you, and put eye-drops in your eyes at midnight.

They'll Wake You For Breakfast
If with all of that, you don't fall asleep, they're going to wake you for breakfast. Why? I don't know. You have nowhere to go. You can have breakfast at 2pm, you've accomplished enough, and you're at the nursing facility because your family expects nothing from you (other than money, down the road).
Now that day has come, you think it's time to sleep. They haven't let you sleep all night. No. There is light outside, you've got to get up to see it through your window. You're retired, got nowhere to go, other than an afternoon sing along in the hallway, and you've got to take on the day.
You start to regret that old adage you used to tell everybody, 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day.' This generation skips breakfast, because we have seen what happens at nursing homes.

Conclusion
They don't want you to get too much sleep. The staff needs something to do. If you've figured out a way to not get woken by the machines, they will make sure they're talking loud enough. Old people loud (old people loud is a higher level of amplitude- you learn it by trying to get responses in nursing homes).
They've mastered the art of keeping you up. If they have to, they'll hold a blow-dryer right by your face for the night. I'm sure they have medical grade blow-dryers nurses use to wake people up.

For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends...