I'm Taking Off Weight Here

by David Kilimnick

Thoughts from a Waiting Room #128 - In Nursing Facility

Crisis isn't all that bad. I took off eight pounds last week.

How Does One Take Off Weight
I thought eating less was a thing. No. It's crisis. It's when you're worried about something. A loved one starts vomiting and you lose ten pounds. A kid falls off a bike, and you take off three pounds. You hear a family member is in a hospital and you immediately go down a few.
It's a stress based diet. And nothing helps with weight loss more than distress. It's an anomaly. The stress had me binge eating Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, pistachio ice cream, corn dogs and chips on mass, and I still took off weight. It's a stress miracle diet.

Stress Will Do It
Any form of worry will help you lose weight. Trauma is a huge help. From now on, I am going to put myself in scary situations. Next summer, I am going on every roller coaster I pass. Going up those things causes me fear and distress. I'll be scared and there is a chance I'll puke. Huge dogs with big jaws, I will try to find them. I'll break into estates or go to poor neighborhoods. I'll go to those really long Carlebach Friday night services. When they go on with those songs for half an hour, it stresses me out; especially when they start jumping.
Hospitals are still the best. I'm going to stick to hospitals and nursing facilities for weight loss.

Being There With Candy Machines You Lose More
When you're in the hospital or at the nursing facility, you lose more weight. It's that weight you lose when you're distressed and there's no real food around. Now you're stressed because the nurses haven't come around for fifteen hours, and you have no access to dinner. I can take off twelve pounds in one evening like that.

Everybody in Shul Said I Lose Weight
This community talks about everybody. Everybody came over and said I didn't look bad. That must've been the conversation in the women's section in the middle of the Musaf service. 'David doesn't look as bad as I thought he did.'
Some were hypothesizing, 'He must be worried about something.' 'Yes. He lost weight and he looks troubled.' 'He looks troubled, but good. Troubled looks good one him.' 'I think David will meet a girl if he is distraught.' And the service is over, so they come and tell me that I look like I took off weight.

They Think I'm Perpetually Out of Shape
People think I'm fat. That is my identity. I am always fat. They are shocked. If I am not obese, they are shocked. And then, when they notice I am not extremely out of shape, they wonder why I am not married. As, in their minds, heavy people are not fit for partnership.
It's, 'You took off weight. You look good.' Taking off weight has something to do with looking good. Nobody has ever told me, 'You look good. Looks like you put on a few.'

It Is My Beard
I was disheveled for a week, and then I cut it into a beard. The beard is a fat camouflage. As I was cutting it, I hit the sides so that it looked like a jawline was there. It's like makeup for men.
I actually did take off weight. Though, nobody would've noticed without the beard. I have a two day window to meet a woman now, before it's disheveled again.

Conclusion
Due to the crisis, I took off eight pounds and grew a beard.
Distress is good. Next time any of you find yourself in the hospital (you shouldn't know of such things), get svelte. Take advantage of it and get in shape. As for myself, I need to find a way to worry more, so that I continue to not look bad. 
I'm keeping the beard. The facial hair shows distraught, and that means I look thinner. I grew the hair on my face, and didn't shave for a week, because I was stressed. Again, distraughtness is a good thing. The pistachios add more fat to the ice cream. That's why I eat it.

​***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.