It’s been a year and I don’t know what any of it means. All I have are ideas.
I’ve been saying Kaddish all year. No idea what it means. I still have no idea what "Ba’agalah" means. I said it around eight to twelve times a day for eleven months and I have no idea. I look in the English every time. Just looked at the English a few minutes ago. Forgot already. Anyways. Everything should be Ba'agalah. That sounds like a good blessing to give on a Yahrzeit.
It's been four years since I had those thoughts on my Abba's first Yahrzeit. And I still haven't figured it out

Maybe people figure some of this death stuff out quick. They're usually intellectuals. People in college who haven't lost anybody yet. But they have death down. They know Gd's plan. They sat on the quad with a buddy. I think it takes longer when it's your dad.
There's a lot I still haven't figured out. I still don't know how to get the dishwasher to work. It just sits there. If there is one reason for reincarnation, it would be to find out who broke the dishwasher. Was the dishwasher was broken before I tried using it. Why is Abba not in the physical Olam anymore. I have questions. How did it break. Maybe it was me. I will never know. 

Abba was my father. Hence, I called him Abba. Yet, to most, he was a rabbi, a rebbe. It's hard to see the rebbe when they're setting a bedtime for you, and saying you can't watch any more TV.
I read that Hasidim, a rebbe's adherents, would follow their masters in their last days. They follow them all the time. Very nosy. This is a reason to not have Hasidim. You go grocery shopping and fifty people are following you down the canned foods aisle, and not one of them offers to pay. But this specifically speaks of their rebbe's last days, as they learn from the way the rebbe lives and dies. "To record the last moments of their masters was for Hasidim a sacred task" (Jewish Reflections on Death, Riemer, p.16). These community leaders, Hasidic Rebbes, are also known as a Tzadik, righteous person. And they probably wouldn't have passed away if the Hasidim would've put down a pen and called a doctor.
I didn’t record anything as I have seen what happens nowadays with social media. However, I witnessed my father’s last days of living in Olam Haguf (I call it the world of the body, because the only thing about passing that I know is that we are not using our body for actions anymore- at least for now).
Sometimes, the only way for a rebbe to shake off his Hasidim is by dying.

Being with my father the last months of his life in the physical Olam I learned of forgiveness. He forgave. He judged not. His last words were of love. What makes a Tzadik? I would say forgiveness. If we are judged as righteous when our Mitzvot outweigh our Aveirot (sins), we are definitely righteous when we are able to help others in that process of having less Aveirot. And that is what forgiveness does.
My rebbe always thought about others. And that is what he expressed in his final days.
Other people are annoying. They mess up. My Abba always saw people for good.
In his last days, my Abba taught me that even congregants have good in them. It's hard to see that, but it's there. And you have to forgive them for being idiots. That's what I got out of it.
 
What’s the lesson that we learn when a Tzadik passes? I don’t know. I’ll give a sermon about it at some point. Who knows, somebody else may give a sermon about it. They will have no idea what it means. Even so, it will sound good. It will sound meaningful. It will sound like the rabbi knows what’s going on. Even though the guy has never lost somebody. They had a buddy who thought about death in Ancient Stoic Philosophy 101.
I do know that I wasn't trying to learn a lesson those final days. I'm still not trying to learn a lesson. Being there with my dad was life itself. Not a lesson. You tell me there is something to be learned, and I will not be happy. People don't want to learn lessons about dying. If you want to lose your job as a rabbi, start telling people it's good their parents passed, because they can learn something from it. But I learned a lot from it. Just don't tell me that.
There is always an idiot leader ready to piss off the mourners. Usually, they wait for communal tragedy to share their thoughts.

Following the rebbe in their last days has something to do with what’s truly important in life. People seem to hone in on what’s important when they’re faced with mortality. When it's my time, I’ll probably be focused on selling my baseball cards. I know I’m mortal and that’s what I’m focusing on now. I can't get rid of those things. It will just be a greater degree of urgency. I’ll probably do a flash sale from the hospital. Collecting as a child focuses the rest of your life on selling the stuff. 
We’re faced with mortality every day. Walking under the trees in my neighborhood. The trees are old. Every morning, I see countless branches on the ground. Dead. Dead branches. I’m just happy I’m sleeping when it’s happening. I can’t deal with more death right now. And I am not following the trees right before the arborist cuts it down. Though, I am sure they think congregants are annoying. And I know they hate dogs.
Those last days, when the body is weakening, are the culmination of one's true thoughts. What does one want to leave in this world. Abba wanted to make sure I trimmed the hedges. He didn't mention the baseball cards. Those were still in the house. And he wanted to know that everybody else was good. They were good and righteous in Gd's eyes.
When will I start thinking about others, like my rebbe, my Abba?!

The Rebbe focuses his life as a community leader. One who leads people in Torah. Their students follow them, as they know that the actions of their rebbe represent Torah. And then, their last days, you see the culmination of this part of their life. What they seem to believe it was all about. Generally, the culmination is represented with tubes and a lot of sedation. They’re spent wondering how a bed with so many different incline positions can be so uncomfortable. But for those other moments, you see someone’s true essence. And Abba wanted me to turn off the TV. And to have a conversation with is son. He wanted his son to know he is a decent dude, and he's proud of him. Not because his son accomplished anything. It goes without saying, that didn't happen. But because he thought his son cared about people and was a good human being. Basically, Abba knew I accomplished nothing. Loading up the house with boxes of baseball cards isn't a source of Nachis. But his son caring about Pete Rose being in the Hall of Fame, that's a source of Nachis.
Abba was proud of all his kids. Which goes to show, never trust a parent who tells you how great their children are.
Truth is, Abba did support my comedy and got Nachis from that. Not because of success. But because I cared and hopefully did something of a giving nature with it. And that is where Abba's mind was. It was focused on what is truly important. When it comes to other people. It's caring about them. And Abba taught me that throughout his life. I would've followed Abba everywhere, taking notes, but Abba was skeptical of journalists.

Those last days, my Abba, the rebbe, shared with me the moments of his beautiful interactions with people. Challenges and how they were overcome. He was sharing with me what is truly important. Family, caring for people, seeing other people in a positive light. Even if they are pieces of…
 I try to now see people in a positive light. I see it something like "we wouldn’t be able to see good in the world if there wasn’t evil." That’s why I worked my last job. I wouldn’t have known hypocrisy, lies and evil if I didn’t work there.

Lessons from this Yahrzeit
Losing my Abba and rebbe in this world is hard. But I do thank Gd, as with all gifts, for the holy day of the Yahrzeit. For Kaddish which I don't understand. For being blessed with parents that were so caring, with an ability to see the blessing of people. And for those last days with my Abba. I would never trade those last months in the house, taking in my father's heightened sense of perspective before heading to Olam Haba.
In those last days of us talking, Abba turned into my rebbe. In their last days, many people project their thoughts onto their parents. They turn their parents into something they want, so that they can cope. To be blessed to take in those days with my father sharing his true feelings, learning from him. And to take in his love for Yiddishkeit and people, while wondering why the baseball cards are still in his house.

All those hours by his bedside. Those conversations in the home I grew up in, I learned so much about outlook. To not judge people. For they are all idiots. My father couldn't shake that thought from me. 
My father saw everybody as talented. As precious. As holy. And he always gave them that respect. That's what my Rebbe taught. And he taught that throughout his life. I should've written that down over the many years, instead of advocating for myself to eat hamburgers and deli at 2am.
I would've rather he just told me who broke the dishwasher.

I miss those moments in this Olam. But I feel the holy moments all the time. Todah Rabbah for passing that on. At the end, the real success is just being decent and caring, and forgiving.
I've got to start letting people know they're good dudes and I'm proud of them, even though they're idiots.
May it all be Ba'agalah. Whatever that means. I’m sure it’s a blessing.
 
***For an Aliyas Neshama for הרב ישעיה בן יחזקאל הלוי זצ"ל and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

Beryl Horowitz. A Holocaust survivor, never married, living alone in Brooklyn. He owned a little bookstore. You would think he would be depressed. But he wasn't married, so all was fine. He would sometimes do acts of kindness, stay later in shul and Daven with Kavanah, because he didn't have anybody hounding him, constantly asking "where were you." He was even able to eat deli sandwiches every night, as nobody cared about his health. Life was good. But he cared. Beryl was a very kind soul. He was even able to own a bookstore, because he didn't have a wife bothering him with this concept of "We Need Financial Stability."
It was a Jewish bookstore. You don't move to Brooklyn to open a boutique bookstore for Mennonites.

Beryl knew a rabbi that worked in a prison. Beryl wanted to do something kind. The rabbi was shocked. He'd never heard this from a congregant. Most questions addressed to the rabbi were, "How much can I save on the hall for the Bar Mitzvah?!" To quote the rabbi's response to Beryl's, "I can't pay you for your kindness." Beryl said, "I still want to do something nice." The rabbi suggested, "Going down to Florida is a nice thing to do during the winter. That's what most of my congregants do." Beryl told the rabbi, "I want people to know they're important. I want to do a true Chesed. A true act of kindness. People are lonely. I want to help them." The rabbi was in shock. People caring is not something the rabbi was used to. This purity of kindness made the rabbi uncomfortable. The greatest act of kindness he had witnessed till that moment was a community member paying their dues on time. 
The rabbi suggested Beryl send letters to inmates. The rabbi could've suggested sending letters to women, but the rabbi didn't think very much about Beryl's needs. He didn't even shop at Beryl's bookstore. He went to Eichler's for his Judaica. This is why the rabbi was suggesting Florida. To get Beryl to close his bookstore. At least to get Beryl out of town, so he could shop at Eichler's without feeling guilty. 
Beryl would've been married if the rabbi thought for a second about his love life.

Beryl started sending letters to inmates every Friday. Letters of encouragement. Stuff like, "It's not any better at Coney Island. I'm shvitzing here. The hot dogs aren't even Kosher."
One letter reached nineteen year old, David, in Florida. David was in for armed robbery. It might have been shoplifting. Not sure. I heard something about forgetting to ring up the tomatoes at the register. Maybe he had tomatoes in his red shopping cart, camouflaged, and then he was carrying a pocket knife. That stuff will get you locked up. 
David was planning to take his own life that morning, but the letter came in. I believe the letter came in the morning. Some say it came in the afternoon. He was planning to take his life that morning, but hadn't gotten to it yet. David was a procrastinator. He saw the paper, thought about the damage a paper cut can do, and remembered he was supposed to take his life. Instead of paper cutting himself, David opened the letter.
David was down. He was locked up. I feel that explaining why David might be down is important to the story. He was behind bars. Now you understand the psychology behind why David might have been down.
The letter read, "You matter. You are more than your worst mistake. Gd believes in you and so do I... Beryl Horowitz." Beryl signed it. I am not sure if it was with a "love" or a "sincerely" or a "thank you." I do know he signed it. I believe it was cursive.
There was no return address. Just a name. He didn't want to get robbed. He wanted the guy to know he cared. He didn't want to be a victim.
David broke down. He started crying. David started learning Torah, he got out of jail and married, and became a teacher. How crying leads to Torah learning, I am not sure. I do know that David wanted the Kosher meals. When you're locked up, that airplane packed Kosher food is a joy. It gives you a reason to live.
David was touched. Somebody cared about him.

Thirty years later, now a grandfather, David was in Brooklyn. He went into at tiny Brooklyn bookstore and a nameplate was on the counter. It read "Beryl Horowitz Owner." It could've read, "Beryl Horowitz Guy Who Likes To Shop Here." But Beryl owned the place.
Standing there in a moment of true connection and gratitude, David asked, "Are you Beryl Horowitz?" Beryl was already around ninety, and he had already been through communism, pogroms, the Holocaust, losing every job because of his name. Thinking he can't get fired now, he said, "Yes. I am Beryl Horowitz." 
David asked Beryl, "Did you ever send letters to inmates?" Beryl responded, "I did. I used to do it all the time. Every single Friday. Why?" Beryl was now worried he was going to be arrested for contraband.  
David pulls out a letter from his wallet. It was his electric bill. He forgot to pay it. He said, "Thank Gd. I have to go to the post office and pay this." Then, he pulls out another letter. A faded letter. Answering Beryl's question, "Because this letter saved my life."
Beryl, filled with tears. At this point, of course he cried. This was a moment. Watch a drama. This is when you cry. Beryl said, "All of these years, I just sent them. I didn't know if any of them made a difference."

Lessons of What Followed
Beryl never got a letter.
After that meeting, I do not believe that Beryl went to jail. He did think to go to jail for Shidduch reasons though. It worked for David.

For some reason, those moments of connection make you cry. Almost as much as a kidney stone.
Just the fact that somebody cared about him, helped him turn his life into one of meaning. One where he learned Torah and never enjoyed a decent cheeseburger again. One where he had to report to his wife where he was, every moment of every day. David was touched. All he needed was to hear he mattered.

Letters by hand are meaningful. They leave an impression. A high school kid heard this story, started writing a letter by hand and swore she would never do that again. She told her parents, "Nobody should have to hurt their hands that much to text a message." 

Torah allows one to see each moment as important. Even when locked up in jail or prison it's a chance to do Mitzvahs. A chance to help somebody with their contraband. Kal vChomer, even more so, when your family locks you up in a nursing home. We can learn from David to find that meaning in each moment, even in those places where it's hard to see how important we are. And we can learn from Beryl that letting those people know you love them may remind them how important they are, even if they don't have much money. Even if it doesn't look like you'll get a decent inheritance.

David made a lot more mistakes. Thanks to Beryl, he felt good about them. He started messing up crossword puzzles. He was fine, because he had that letter reminding him that Beryl and Gd believed in him. Unlike his parents who thought he was a Yutz.
Beryl then asked, "What was your worst mistake?" David said, "Getting married and having kids. I'm broke, and on a teacher's salary, having to support these people. I should rob a shop." When Beryl asked about getting locked up for armed robbery, David went on. "Wait. An even worse mistake was being a teacher. These kids nowadays need to be locked up." Then, in a moment of epiphany, David continued, "That letter changed my life. Mr. Horowitz... Thank you. Torah truly killed my plans. I was going to be a doctor." Maybe he didn't say that. I am not sure if that was their conversation. Quotes can be wrong sometimes.

I don't think David invited Beryl to Florida. Though, he did buy a book. A softcover, to save a bit of money.
If Beryl's rabbi would've shopped by him every once in a while, Beryl might have felt that having a bookstore was a good idea. Your actions are important. They do make a difference. Gd believes in you. Beryl needed to hear that too.
Is this not why we're all here in this world? To help each other. To be the most important to somebody? To let them know they matter. To remind them they make a difference. To ruin their good times the next time they're out drinking, thinking "Gd believes in me." Try taking down a few beers with that and the mortgage in the back of your mind. We all need to hear we matter, that we can make a difference, and somebody cares about us.

***Not sure if that's exactly the story word for word. To hear it in shorter, probably more correct form, check out realyaakovcohen on Instagram.

Let’s talk about gifts again. Actual gifts. We're going to talk about giving gifts. Mommy was a giver. And one thing she gave a lot was gifts. 

You Give Gifts
What else are you going to give? A cough? Let's start here. With gifts. Nobody wants you to give them a cough and a fever. Who wants to work?! That's why we're not talking about giving people jobs right now. Give gifts.
Gifts are a good way to give. Gifts are always in conjunction with "give." You don't donate gifts. Though you could do that if you don't have any leftover pasta for the food cupboard. 
When donating to the food cupboard you first want to think about stuff you don't want. Stuff you want to throw out. Then you check for stuff that's really old. Dry goods that are out of date. If you have nothing else, you can throw in a toy. Little kids eat those too.
Point is that when you think of giving, you think of gifts. You can take gifts but we're talking about giving. You go out, buy somebody a gift and take it. That's off. You buy a sweater that's your size, and then you wear it, it's not a gift. You went shopping. You bought a sweater.
I got chocolate for a girl years ago. I ate it. She never got the gift. That relationship did not pan out.
I know, many of you are mad, because Oprah says you've got to treat yourself well. And that means buying gifts for yourself. Mommy thought about others. Let's focus on giving gifts to others, and not stealing sweaters you knitted.

People Are Holy
(Bereishit 9:6) "In the image of Gd, He created man." People are created in Gd's image and they are all the best. Everybody deserves the best. And thus they get gifts. (Pirkei Avot 3:14) Rabbi Akiva teaches, "Man is loved because he is created in Gd's image." How do you show somebody you love them? You say "I love you." Point is everybody is important. Everybody is unique. And they all deserve gifts. People like gifts more than love.
The gift lets people know how unique they are. How loved they are. This is one way Mommy showed it. A gift for each person and a fight with Abba. She wasted so much money on gifts.
Mommy had a whole closet full of gifts. Always stacked. Abba thought he was going to pull out a nice new shirt and all the sudden there's a closet full of Monopoly and Bob the Builder.
Gifts make people feel special. They let people know they are holy. It reminds them they were created for a reason. And that reason is to get gifts. 
Mom was a gift champion. She had gifts for everybody, because she thought of others. That is what made Mommy unique. She thought of others. Most people are selfish pieces of... Give gifts. Don't be a selfish piece of...

Mommy Saw The Special in Others
Mommy saw people as being special. She didn't look at everybody like they were disabled. She looked at everybody like they were important.
Mommy was a star at Camp HASC for special needs. I remember Mom showing up one day and all the campers felt like they were seeing a close friend. Mommy was kind, giving, smiling, nonjudgmental. She treated them with respect. She didn't have gifts that day, so they stopped talking to her after a minute. You can get respect anywhere. If you don't have a gift, what's the point?! There are better friends out there.
The idea is to let people know they're important and loved. Godly. Give them something to let them know that. A Tonka truck. If Mommy would've had Tonka trucks, the campers would've invited her back to Camp HASC.
Mommy focused a lot on gifts. She knew people felt important when they got something. Especially a mirror with a name on it. "Rebecca." Mom bought a lot of mirrors with the name "Rebecca" on it. They must've had a sale on Rebeccas. It makes you feel good getting a Rebecca mirror, especially if your name is Samantha. It's special. Samanthas usually don't get Rebecca mirrors.
Mommy liked sales. Whenever Mommy saw a sale, she was thinking about Jewish kids. Mommy is the reason why the anti-Semites think Jews like deals.

See the Specialness
I will never forget doing a show and I didn't understand why a comedian was getting laughs. Mommy was laughing and she said, "Everybody has their thing." Mommy taught me that day that everybody is great. They all have their thing. You just have to see their godliness. You see that, and you can laugh, no matter how bad a comic is. 
I thought I knew comedy. I thought I understood it. I had seen beyond enough performances to understand. I didn't understand the person. Their soul. Their lack of effort they put into their routine. 
Mommy saw the uniqueness in that comedian. The specialness. She didn't have a gift for him. Though, she did give the gift of laughter. Ever since then, I laugh no matter how bad a show is. And I have seen many uniquely bad shows.
Mommy should've given him a prop. That would have been a nice gift for that comic. Something to help him with a joke. A joke that was not dependent on seeing his godliness.
Through the acceptance of the godly soul of each individual, I learned to give. I learned to accept that some kids are just not very artistic. It is for this reason, my siblings still hang their kids pictures on the fridge. They're pathetic works of crayon on construction paper, but they're holy. Holy works of... At least they have all stayed away from canvas.
You give the gift of laughter and you let a comedian know you appreciate that they haven’t connected with their godly self. You give a platter as a gift to somebody and you let them know they should be presenting dinner more elegantly. You give gifts and you let them know they had an oversight. They overlooked stuff and they are created in Gd’s image.

You give a gift and you let somebody know you were thinking about them. I wish I would've not eaten that Toblerone that Tu BAv. I would've been married. 

Lessons Learned
People who got the real gift from Mommy learned to give. Giving is the action we emulate as those created in Gd's image. Mommy truly reflected His image.
That is a life well lived in this Olam. A life focused on caring for others. And she was a happy person, because she was focused on others. That is how you feel good about yourself. You focus on how messed up other people are. You do that, and you can laugh. You give gifts and make them feel better. You let them know they're important, even though their family hates them. You give them a gift and you don't have to spend an hour and a half listening to them complain about their kids. 

Give gifts when you can, especially when you find them on sale.
Mommy taught me to think about others. Give to them. Anything can be a gift, but nothing is more meaningful than “buy two, get one free.” We're focusing on the physical manifestation of an actual gift. I gave somebody a hug the other day. They didn't appreciate it. They invited me for dinner and I forgot to bring wine. I thought the hug would be sufficient. They said they would’ve rather hugged a cabernet. I did think to bring chocolate. Though, I ate that before I showed up to dinner.

Givers make people feel special. Takers make people feel special and broke. So, make people feel special and go broke on gifts. From now on, I will try to show my appreciation of others by saying "thank you."
Everybody is created in Gd's image, and thus holy. Holy people deserve gifts, even if they're not Kohens.
We can all be the most important person in the world. Each one of those people that got a gift felt that way, because my Mom made herself important to them.
 
You can give to anybody. Even if their comedy is off. You focus on others, you can see their uniqueness. You can laugh. I am still trying to figure out what that comics "thing" is. What's a thing? Maybe it was an ungodly thing. Nonetheless, I laugh at other people's things now. Especially, when it’s illness. As I learned from Mommy, laughter is a form of giving.
Don't focus on you, even if Oprah says to. A gift must be focused on the godliness of the other person.
It's how you give a gift. I remember I once gave somebody a gift and I said, "Enjoy it. I'm broke. That was my paycheck."

It sounds cooler to say "Mom." If you want people to mock you, say, "Mommy” at forty-eight years old. Forty-eight and a week. I still count my weeks. But that is my uniqueness.

Gifts are about letting the other person know you see the special in them. Bringing wine for dinner is thus not a gift. In my books, it's a necessary. It's a thank you. Thank yous are also part of giving. But a thank you is not a gift.

Why did Mom feel good seeing the others happy? Because we're all connected in Gd's image. This is why we feel good when we're kind to others. When we give a gift or a laugh, or some wine so that you get the dinner invitation again. Because we're connected with One. In a sense it's kind of selfish to be nice. A little wisdom I pass on to you.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for נחה בת חיים זיידאל וריבה לאה ע"ה and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

The family is here today. It must be a Sunday.
It's not a Tuesday. People do not come on Tuesdays. Law and Order is on Tuesdays. And they don't come Wednesdays or Thursdays. Law and Order is on.
Chas vShalom, Gd forbid, they should take off of work for a loved one who almost died. But I wouldn't want them to feel any guilt.
It's been three days and nobody has been here. Just the nurse. The nurse is not related to me, which is why he comes. He gave me a sponge bath. Which isn't really even a bath. He thinks he's cleaning a dish. I was like a very heavy piece of porcelain. He sponged me till he saw suds, then he shined my forehead. He even looked at my foot to see if it sparkled. He did a breath on it, then rubbed it with a towel.
I'm guessing the bath would be more enjoyable if it was not given to me by Bob. Even so, I do feel clean. Kind of like fine china.

Maybe it was the trach that got me down. Just got that put in yesterday. I hope the family was praying. I like when people pray for me. Focusing on me in their relationship to Gd. 
Maybe they didn't see me because they were sitting in the waiting room together, praying. Or doing what our family does and waiting in the waiting room. We wait. That's what we do. We like to sit there and wait, and worry. We worry while not looking at each other and focusing on our phones. As long as we're worrying in the waiting room and texting, we feel like we're doing the right thing. Family member gets out of surgery and we leave. We did our thing, we waited. We leave. That's what Engelmans do.
We are very good at leaving. We do not wait around after we've waited. My mom left my dad at a wedding with no ride. She waited five minutes and left. She looked around, noticed it wasn't a waiting room, nobody was in surgery, she asked why she was waiting, she left. Dad was stuck in the Five Towns, trying to find a way back to Hackensack.

So now, I'm kind of feeling good today. I'm still out if it, but people are here. And that makes me feel good.
They're talking about me again. It feels good to have people around focusing on me. They're not praying. When they're here, I would rather them talk. I like prayer, but it's not good for discussion. I can't hear what they're saying to Gd. It's not a good conversation when they're mumbling incoherent Hebrew sentences to me.
They're just focused on me. But not praying. Thinking about, right now I can use some prayers. There's a huge tube coming out of my neck. I need the prayers right now. When you see a tube coming out of an orifice that was not created at birth, that's a good time to pray.

It's good to have the focus on me. I don't think I've got a birthday call for over a decade. At least the stroke got people thinking about Phillip.
I feel like I'm doing a Mitzvah, taking their focus off their daily grind. I'm bringing family together. That's what my stroke is. A family unifier. Our family comes together for sickness. Nobody shows up for Bar Mitzvahs. They show up for strokes and cancer. We unite for sickness. Our family connects with illness.
We love ailment. We need invitations for this stuff. "Thelma had another heart attack. Please come. We have pizza, lox and good schmeer in the waiting room. Please come and sit with us as we worry and text as a Mishpuchi."

And they're being decent and kind. Even my brother-in-law hasn't said anything stupid yet. Wait. He just mentioned the trach. It would take this fool to get everybody thinking about the trach. I thought nobody noticed. I was trying to be discreet about it. I tried telling the doctor the tube is too big. I knew people would notice the plastic coming out of my neck.
Now they're all talking about the trach. My cousin can't stand the trach. She just left. Can somebody tell her I'm disgusted by her too. Still using gel like it's the '80s.
And they are still not praying. Can't they tell I need prayers? Tefillah? Isn't a huge tube and human dissection a sign that they should start praying? What does my family need to start Davening to H'? Do they need to see the actual blood squirting at that moment? That is the one moment they would pray and not help. They would let the blood go and ask Gd to somehow stop it with a tourniquet. The Engelmans are a useless people. I would probably also stand there and start praying that somebody useful would come and take care of it.
And they are still talking about the trach and how I look like I have another limb coming out of my throat. Looking like a mouthclops. It was cute that my nephew came up with me looking like a dinosaur that he created. How about Tehillim?!

Why is nobody talking about Pesach? When is Pesach. What are we going to do? Who is cleaning the house?!
Shoot I just pooped. I hope they didn't notice. They're leaving the room. They know.

Now I’m alone again. I was doing good till they all started focusing on the trach. They all saw the trach. The thing coming out of me. It's embarrassing. If they were saying how cool it looked, I would've been good with it.
I know they're all talking about it on their way home. How do you see a trach and not talk about it. It's not like I dyed my hair and now they can't see the greys. It's an orifice that is now closed with a digital monitor.
Is the nurse coming? If they know I pooped, why are they not getting the nurse. Nurses don't come for poops. It's not like my poop shows up on the screen next to my oxygen level.

There are rules. You don't talk religion or politics at the hospital. Unless if it's a chaplain. Thank Gd, bars don't have chaplains.
Watching Fox News can be dangerous for hour loved one.

They're Old
The news must be playing at all times. Old People watch the news. They love watching the news. In the waiting room, they're always watching it. There's something about keeping up with everything bad in the world, thinking about the next presidency and knowing the weather, that attracts old people. There's a certain frustration and anger that the news brings which they may not get from family.
The older you get the more the news is on. You reach seventy, news is running all day. No music in the house, just news. At sixty, the news is on fourteen hours a day. Then, each year, you add on an hour till it doesn’t stop. At seventy, you sleep and the news is running. There's a comfort knowing things aren't good. You wake up, it's because a power outage turned off the news. 

Be Careful in the Room
We have to play the news in mom's room. Mommy is not young.
We just made the decision that for safety, no Fox News. We were going to play it because she loves Israel, but we will not take chances with my mother’s care.
We have made a family decision that while my mom is in the hospital, only CNN. BBC is also allowed, as they don't like Jews either. You can tell people you hate Israel for the one's safety. At least we feel that way in the ICU.
This is Pikuach Nefesh (saving a life). We have already invested a lot into doughnuts for the nursing staff. Doughnuts can help with a quick EKG check and parking. Politics will save your life and get you a cleaner room. 
Mom is hearing all this anti-Trump banter now, and she's worried her children have become left-wing self-hating Jews. But we are just trying to ensure there is no malpractice. Somehow, when Fox News is on, the nurses are on break, eating doughnuts. They should be blaming Trump for malpractice.
It's about safety. We've even started watching Jimmy Kimmel.

Side Story of Inspiration and Hope
My uncle turns on Fox News. A bold and reckless move in the waiting room. That is how you know a real activist- when they play their news station in public. It's bigger than going to a protest. At protests you can hide behind signs. And my uncle brought a sign to the waiting room. How about that for an activist. Nobody said anything as he sat there in prideful indoctrination.
He was watching the news with intent, as a Syrian woman sat down unhappy. I thought it might have been about the family member in ICU. It was Fox News now killing her day. Not the motorcycle accident her child had just got out of. My uncle says to her, "This is the honest news."
The Syrian woman was shocked that anybody would watch Fox News. How the station exists is an anomaly. Nobody had ever admitted to such a treasonous act. Yet, my uncle was retired. Emboldened, as he didn't have a job. He then proceeded to tell her to give it a chance, and she did. The waiting room is kind of a private space and none of her family was visiting at the time, so she could be naughty. 
I bonded with a Syrian woman who was forced to watch Fox News for the first time. She was shocked that the newscasters said nothing racist. And then I got her to say "Israel." She said to me that I lived in "Palestine." But I knew where I lived. I'd been watching Fox News for a while. So we had an Israel-Palestine word competition, which seems to be the norm nowadays with people who have never been to Israel, or were used to watching CNN. After ten times of me saying "Israel," she said "Israel." Hasbara!
Apparently, if you are nice and let them know about free speech, and how people don’t have to run from Israel’s dictator, they like Israel.
All because of my uncle's heroic act of Fox News in the waiting room, my mom's life is in jeopardy.
I am just happy that lady’s daughter was not in SICU, because that Fox News word about my uncle would’ve spread to the nurses. I told my uncle to never watch Fox News again around my mother's unit. All of the doughnuts in the world can't undo that kind of Hannity damage.

Always Be Careful 
When back at the house, we will have to play the news. My parents are old. Nurses know that there's no way that at my parent's age the news is not playing. If we don't have the news on, the nurses will know something is fishy.
We need somebody on the TV at all times. When visiting nurses come to the house, we will have to have a quick system of flipping on CNN.
Don't know if we can trust our uncle. We have to ensure a family member is always nearby when our uncle is visiting, just in case it's not Fox News time. A nursing visit dual control remote control kit.

We Started Vetting
We've now started a Fox News check. It's too painful watching CNN and BBC.
On shifts, we check to see what kind of jewelry the nurses and aides are wearing. If they have a religious symbol of any sort on their necklace, we put on Fox News. If their hair has funky colors in it, any kind of highlight, CNN. If they're spewing any kind of hatred towards people who care about education, Jimmy Kimmel. If they don't understand why actors are so politically involved, we can play Fox News. Fan of Nick Cannon, back to CNN.

***Thoughts From a Waiting Room was first written in 2019-20. These are the thoughts revisited in 2019-20 form. LRefuah Sheleyma LKol HaCholim and shared laughter with their family and friends, bZchut Avi HaRav Yeshaya Ben Yechezkel HaLevi ZT"L vImi HaRabbanit Necha Bat Chayim Zeydel A"H LAliyat Nishmatam.

Getting Ready for Shabbos
Journal Entry by Rabbi Shaya Kilimnick — January 3, 2016

My daughter took this picture. Before I put on my Tzitzis
I'm posting it so people shouldn't think that I enter Shabbos with a miserable face.

His Child's Commentary & Lessons He Learned from Abba
Abba was Frum. I didn't realize how religious Abba was until I saw how he wrote Shabbos. You can tell how religious somebody is by how they spell Shabbis. Shabbos is very Frum. Shabbis is relatively Frum. Shabbat, and you are breaking every law of Shabbos. Probably making fires anywhere you have a chance to light a match.

My father had on a shirt. It's the more comfortable way to wear Tzitzis. You out the Tzitzis over an undershirt or a Tshirt, and then you can serve Gd in comfort. It was a picture of Abba smiling.
Sometimes you want to let people know you're OK. They're worried and a picture is a way of letting them know you're good. A picture with a smile. It wasn't a picture taken of me at a Simcha. A picture of me at a wedding does not exude happiness. It exudes a feeling of time being wasted on behalf of young happy people. My father at a Simcha, he had a smile.
The smile says everything. I have to smile more. I always got in trouble around the time of family pictures. I probably didn't smile because Abba was ripping out my hair, trying to get my cowlick to stay down.

There are pictures people post on social media on a yacht. Smiling on a yacht. Those pictures are there to get you mad. They're not letting you know they're OK. They're letting you know they're better than you.
Abba's picture says, "Have a Good Shabbos. I'm good. You should be good too. Even though you haven't visited, or cared to make a phone call. Just know I'm good. I'm here with cancer and I'm good. So go on with your selfish life and be happy. I'll cook my own food- Since you stopped sending food three weeks into cancer."

When family was around Abba didn't need visitors. He was happy with his family being around. Taking in the Nachis of his children. Unless if that was me. Then visitors were appreciated. And I would be able to bring out the chips, Diet Coke and ice, and ice cream for everybody. I learned as a kid that getting Diet Coke and ice was a Mitzvah. Getting Diet Coke and ice is called Kibud Av vEim. Honoring your parents when they're relaxing on a couch. I had good Chinuch growing up.

Abba had to put in the Tzitzis comment because people would've talked. "Our rabbi doesn't wear Tzitzit?!" And they would've said "Tzitzit." My father is Frummer than them. He says "Tzitzis."

And that is how you enter Shabbos. Smiling and good. You don't expect Shabbos to make things good. You expect Shabbat to make things good. Shabbos, you come in with energy to that. An energy that you developed learning in Yeshiva and living a Torah life for seventy years.
What you give to a day is what you will get out of it. I believe it's the Beatles who said, "The day you make is equal to the day you take." Or it might have been, "The Shabbos you make is equal to the Shabbos you take." I don't remember which one the Beatles said. But Abba took that lesson to heart and shared it. Sharing his smile and gratitude is what he had to do.

Postscript
I decided that we'll post the comments and my comments to the comments, and the stats, after all of Abba's Caring Bridge posts are finished. Otherwise, we'll get too caught up in people saying how much they care and how much they don't want to visit or send food. I'm still trying to figure out where all the food went from the beginning of cancer. When do they stop bringing the food?!
As rabbi, Abba should've made a rabbinic decree to bring food even when people are in remission, as they still have families in remission. And there is still Shabbos in remission.
People who keep Shabbat, you don't want them cooking Shabbos food for you. They have no idea how to make a decent Lukshen Kugel.

The smile was Abba's way of giving to his community. He was going into Shabbos with a smile and he wanted you to go into Shabbat with a smile too. Abba didn't judge you, even if you celebrated Shabbat every week.
It is all gratitude, as the smile in the picture that you can't see shows.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for רב ישעיה בן יחזקאל זצ"ל and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

What is wrong with my nephews?!
The waiting room is not the right place to play Spit. Spit generates too much excitement for those waiting to hear if their family member is alive.
If you're not nervous enough about having to be in the waiting room, hearing a loved one might die, watching a game of kids play Spit will push you over the edge. That is why kids should not be visiting the hospital and sitting around people. Kids should just not be around people.
My nephews are smacking the table, yelling "Oh no." Everybody was worried something happened. Every single person in the waiting room ran to the ICU unit crying, checking on their loved one.

Loss Can Be Devastating
Guy to my left is bawling. It’s his first day in SICU. Everybody cries the first day. After the first day, the family can care less. They've already let out their emotions. What will be will be. From that point on they leave it in Gd's hands. Prayers are less emphatic.
I can care less who stabbed your brother or who put out the hit. You are crying. I felt bad for the guy. He’s shedding tears. I look to my right, my nephew is cheering, "Spit! Got you!"
My other nephew starts crying to his dad, because he lost. That is not the right kind of crying for the waiting room; unless if it brings back flashbacks to times he lost at War. Maybe he was thinking about Uno. Loss can be devastating.

You Need Games
I think we're the only family who turned the ICU waiting area into a game room. One of my nieces asked if they had a PlayStation.
After the first week of crying, you start to need the games, to soften the intensity. Though you shouldn’t be pulling out fun ICU games that are too energetic, like hockey or Spit. You shouldn’t be playing tag in ICU.
The waiting room is more for games like Chess and Gin Rummy. Games that don’t make noise, where you look meditative, which also looks sad. Solitaire. Play solitaire.
The quiet game can also work. That's my favorite game to play with my nephews.

Just Don't Play
No. You don’t play Uno. No game with screaming. No Bingo in ICU. Yelling “Bingo” doesn't hit the right feeling of intensive care.
You play Bingo when you make it out of ICU and end up at the nursing home rehab.

Think About Who's Around
You don’t know when there will be a first dayer. I feel like I want to coach the waiting room rookies.
There's the right place for things. And it's usually Never. Dad is crying and next to him, a cousin is listening to a funny Mother’s Day video of little kids crying. It's not always the right place for Spit.
The greatest memory from sickness is when a cousin is shooting all of us their pictures from the family vacation in Hawaii. My father ZT"L responds, "I have cancer."
When the proctor croaked our regents, I asked a buddy if he wanted to play ping pong. I thought that was the right time for ping pong. When is the wrong time for ping pong? According to my buddy, "Somebody passing out and possibly dying is not the right time."
I pray the guy’s brother is going to be OK. Kind of hard to think about that though, when you're in the middle of a competitive game of Spit.
"Want to play Spit?" "My brother just got ran over and stabbed."

Meditation does look sad. Next time my nephews play Spit, I'll make sure they look meditative.

The waiting room is yours. Do not share it. That is what I was told. My only goal lately has been to occupy the waiting room. And I am doing whatever I can to not share the room with other families.
You bond with the other families and care for them, but do not share the waiting room with. You want to care for them in the hallway. You want to talk to them in the hallway. Not on couches. Those couches are yours. And if you don't take ownership, these other families will think they can use the waiting room couches too. You welcome them into the waiting room, next thing you know it's for every family visiting their loved one in the ICU. It's just as easy to listen to their story about the motorcycle accident in the hallway.
Nothing kills the vibe of your family relaxing at the hospital with crushed ice and ginger ale more than other people coming into your room.
Here are the main techniques the Kilimnick family has developed for claiming the room so others don’t join:

The Three Person Technique
Settle the room with at least three people. One person is weak alone. Like a chair with one leg. Other families will come in and start loud conversation; sometimes even use the "can we sit next to you" technique of removing you through discomfort. Very Chutzpadik to come into a waiting room, to think you can use it as well. Especially when we have family coming in later for dinner. The waiting room has a table as well, for our family soiree.
They will even angle conversation over you. Anything to get you out of there. The other families are sneaky. They all got their techniques. You need three people to take control.
Also known as the Large Family Technique, if you have a lot of guests you can always over-claim a room. It’s a numbers game. Nonetheless, you need at least three people to be loud.

The Coat Method
My brother came up with the coat method of settlement, where you throw coats everywhere. It’s hot out, but that’s not stopping us from bringing trenches and parkas for our waiting room. One person and four coats can claim a room, if you spread them out right.
Don't be afraid to use purses. I don't suggest purses with cash in them. It's optimal to bring extra handbags. This gives a sense of more people. Hence, more space for you and your family. Carry on luggage is also quite helpful, giving off the message that you are moving in, to the other families.

Spread the Food
Spreading out dinner helps. Bring tins and lay them out. That establishes the room as yours for the day.
If we have to, we are leaving out the empty trays. Do not clean up after yourself. If there is no cleanup crew that night, you can get two days out of a couple disposables. Leave your trash and it will be uncomfortable for the others. This is also a great way of reserving your room for when you come back from Mincha services. 
Do not be afraid to use food from other families. If people left food and Styrofoam, you can use that to settle another table and couch. Just toss the wings on the love seat.

Decoration Technique
Decorate the room. We brought in a pillow. Nobody sits on the seat where we have our pillow. I am thinking of bringing a picture of the Rebbe and putting it up. That will let them know whose room it is. The Rebbe, a candelabra, some streamers. Mix up the room a little to our family liking. I believe the plastic cactus plant placed correctly will throw off the others.
Starting a settlement with the pillows is a good way to claim space where there are no couches. Bringing your own ottoman can also help control the waiting room. Remember, the more room you take up, the less others will have. And that is truly the goal.

Talk Loud
As discussed, if you're by yourself, it is hard to be loud. But you can do it. A loud phone call will suffice. An overexcited phone call laugh will annoy anybody. Loud conversation is a great way of removing the previous family from the room and creating anti-Semites.
The Large Family Technique works the best. This is why Charedi ultra-Orthodox Jews have a lot of kids. It helps them claim their spot at the hospital. With this in mind, you may want to birth more kids, just in case the waiting room is needed.
Remember, arguments among your family truly helps with claiming the waiting room. You may want to repeat the pulling the plug argument the doctor brings up when you see other people coming into the waiting room. It truly helps. It's good the doctors and social workers bring that up a lot. Arguments about who is there, when you are there together, also works.

Other Techniques
As I am about educating and being educated, my friends have added some techniques that you might want to have in your wheelhouse for times you're alone and want to get a good nap in the waiting room.
Yomi mentioned burping and scratching your head to make yourself look crazy. I have seen this technique used in the emergency room, used along with the Barefoot Homeless Method, it truly keeps the people away.
Ryan Smith also reminded us of the Foot on Chair Method. Put your feet up on any chairs you're not sitting on. Family members should also put feet on tables. Feet are a quite valuable appendage of deterrent.
Never move an object. If you move a purse, a jacket or a pillow, you are giving in. You're showing weakness. Families of ICU patients are very sneaky.
And show up early when you must. We noticed other families also care about their loved ones in SICU. Very annoying.

I can see anti-Semites saying, "The Jews and their settlements. This is how the occupation started, with plastic plants, pillows and feet." I'm fine with that. As long as we have the waiting room.

I hope this helps. As we've learned, there's no feeling that's worse than seeing other people in the waiting room and having to share it. A loved one in ICU is a close second.
I'm beginning to think some of my family is liking the waiting room too much.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for HaRabbetzin Necha Bat Chayim Zaydel A”H and a Refuah Sheleyma for all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

I am here. In the hospital. It's probably day 35. I'm working with day 3. Things move slower when they throw a trach in you.

I know it's Chanukah. People are celebrating Christmas.
Some lady came around with a Santa hat. That was the holiday. Nothing for Chanukah. When you're sick and you can't talk, you're Christian.
The chaplain came around. That was nice. He gave me a blessing and an ornament. He just hung the ornament on me. He figured, "The guy can't move. That's good enough." Then he started caroling.
I think it has to do with Engelman. They think it's Engelhardt and they start giving me sacraments. Right now, I'm worried whenever they bathe me. I don't know if they're trying to clean me or convert me. If I had more of a name like Goldberg, Irving Goldberg, people would know.
Maybe if my family was around and put up something in my room, other than a card from my boss, who is Christian, they might know I'm Jewish.

No Chanukah gifts. I got a Chanukah card that said "Get Well Soon." When you're in the hospital, all cards are the same.
It was a "Get Well Soon" card. The card didn't say, "We hope to see you at home soon." I don't think anybody wants to see me at home. You don't usually see the cripple at shul. They don't like seeing wheelchairs at synagogue. People see a guy in a wheelchair, with a trach and an oxygen tank, and they start to think Gd doesn't answer prayers.

Last days, people have stopped coming. They figure, they don’t want to me to
expect it. I might complain. I can’t talk!!!
They must be mad I missed the softball game. They were depending on me. Your team has got to be real bad to be hoping the guy in the wheelchair loaded on morphine can take over the game. Maybe they were hoping I would get walked. Or pushed.

Family stopped by for a minute. That was nice. They popped in to tell me they were going to a Chanukah party. They thought I would appreciate knowing they are not going to be with me.
There is this concept that you can't be happy in hospital. Then what do you expect from me. Stuck to a bed. Staring at a screen that has squiggly lines all over it, and numbers that nurses don't seem to like.
My whole family is convinced you can't celebrate in the hospital. The hospital is not the place for holidays. And it's not a place to visit your dad.
Forget about a party. They didn't even acknowledge the holiday in my room. Do I not deserve the right to get a Chanukiah. I would like the holiday candelabrum. I guess they think it’s dangerous to light when you have an oxygen machine. The priest is at least trying. He keeps asking the nurses when he'll be able to put a cracker in my mouth.

Where the hell is my family? I don't care it's a holiday. It's not like they have ever enjoyed the community parties. They complain about it all the time.
I guess it has something to do with ICU. Maybe the ICU is a downer. We'll see what happens when I'm out of here.
Wait. There's a waiting room here. My parents are loving the hospital. The waiting room is a family reunion. Everybody loves it. Friends pop over to those things. Nothing is more enjoyable for a family than surgery. Everybody gets together.
They should be celebrating a Chanukah party in the waiting room. Maybe that sounds off. Big parties in the waiting room and other families are coming in trying to figure out if the doctor is right and they should pull the plug. "You want some Chanukah Gelt? It's chocolate in silver foil."
I say celebrate it all. Every moment. I’m alive. Celebrate the stroke. And cry. People should cry a little. I want to know people are crying.
You can enjoy the holiday in the hospital. Put up streamers. That's all I want are streamers.

I've started thinking positive and appreciating the small things. That sounds cliche. But when your way of celebrating Chanukah is by seeing nurses in Santa hats, you appreciate it all. So let's count the Chanukah miracles. I coughed today and I didn't get a cramp in my stomach. That made me not want to die. The doctor didn't call me a vegetable or a Chanukiah today. The chaplain thought I was an ornament holder. Did I get any Chanukah gifts? Got a blood transfusion. I guess that was a gift. My butt got wiped today. That was appreciated. Nobody pulled a plug. Thank Gd. My TV is on. They haven't changed the channel from Weather in eight days. But at least no plugs were pulled on me. Maybe my family loves me.
People are caroling. That’s nice. I guess I’ll take those as Jewish songs.

If my kids came around, that would be a miracle.
"Can somebody hear me?! I want streamers!!!! I guess I am not saying anything. Can somebody hear my thoughts?! Steamers!!! It's a holiday. Steamers!!! I need streamers in my room. Stop looking at the machine. Put streamers on it."
We have to celebrate each moment on this earth by doing good. Even when we have it real bad, we need streamers. Maybe that's the morphine talking.
My prayers will be answered if people still appreciate me, and somebody gets streamers. Streamers!!! It's a holiday!!!!

I want my family to go to the shul Chanukah party. But I also want them to come here and tell me how messed up it was. I want them to celebrate with me too.
What I'm trying to say is holidays are about joy. Celebrating is about joy. Not Latkes that turn out to be soggy Tater Tots. That's how Mrs. Pinkowitz makes them. We all know it's Tater Tots. They're tiny round Latkes. The chaplain gets that. My family doesn't get that. And I need streamers!!! Streamers!!!

These people have already called me a vegetable. It's been two days. I think. Don't know how long I was out for. Could've been an hour, two days, a month. Could've been a year. Cindy's hair definitely looks longer. And I am a vegetable already. This means they don’t talk to me. They talk about me. And I now hate the doctor. And my kids don't have to visit.

Oh shoot. They're taking blood again. That blood guy is not fun.
I haven't been to the American Red Cross in years. I did not sign a consent for this. I am not one to donate blood. I haven't given anything since my kids started going to private school. That tuition.

I had to yell, "Sir!!! This is not the time to be taking my blood and giving it to others!!! What the hell?!!! Why are you poking me. Don't you think I should be resting now." I don't believe now is the right time to take my blood. I need it.
This guy is stabbing me. Does he not know how to find blood? He's poking me all over, pulling out hairs.
Oh shoot. He's using the tape and he doesn't even have it in the right place. He's going to have to pull off the tape again. Damn. This guy is torturing me. Please stop pulling off the tape.
Thank Gd he only took a sample.

And now I have a scratch again. Damn. That is painful. I think it might be worse than the tape. It would've been nice if he poked my the back of my ear. He was poking everywhere else. At least he would've helped with the itch.

My kids are good by the way. My ex-wife told them to not worry about their dad. She said nothing about prayer. Nothing about visiting and being there with their dad after he almost died. She says, "They're too young to give a ----." That's how she watches out for the kids. She lets them know that love and care are not important. She wants them to be focused on good grades, because that's what makes a great human being. Good grades and a dead dad. And not having to think about other people. She said their teachers agree. This is the American education I am paying for.

So, I don't believe these people here respect me. They just told my girlfriend and my mom I'm a vegetable. I think they're going along with it because the doctor said it. Anything the doctor says is correct in my family. So, now I'm a vegetable. Did the doctor also tell my ex that caring about your parents is not important. Did he tell her that Gd's commandments mean nothing when it comes to getting into a decent college? Did he tell her to not have a heart? Did he tell her that alimony is supposed to be my full paycheck?

I'm sorry. It's been a hard day. I am now foliage.
A vegetable?! Did they just call me a vegetable?!
I guess my life is ruined people are going to treat me like ----. Talk about me, in front of me, like I am a teenage legume.
What an a-hole. This doctor. I can care less if you resuscitated me. Who calls somebody a vegetable?!
What kind of vegetables am I? Am I broccoli? Brussels sprouts? Bell peppers? Maybe that's why my kids aren't visiting. They hate brussels sprouts. I think brussels sprouts are amazing. I would've gladly been a sprout.
I guess vegetables do have feelings.
That's it. I'm a carnivore. I am never eating vegetables again. I have a heart. I'm sure my ex is eating a huge salad right now. probably telling the kids it's healthy to eat vegetables. She has no heart.
If I was a science project, they would visit. If I was that thing where they stick toothpicks in potatoes, their mom would let them love me again.

Finally a decent nurse. I think. Thank Gd the blood guy is not the IV nurse.
She's poking me too. Does anybody in this place know how to find a vein???!
Now it makes sense. This is why the girl is poking me like a fool. She thinks I'm cabbage. And cabbage does not have veins.
This is great. The blood guy is coming back. The doctor probably told blood guy to come back and saute me.
I'm a bit worried about that alimony thing. Is she going to take me to court while I have a trach?! I think I just heard the doctor tell her that the money is rightfully hers. I hate this doctor.

And they're pulling off the tape again. Ouch!!!!! Now that hurts. That hurt more than the stroke. That is more painful than listening to John talk about his kids. Do these people have any idea what pain is?! From now on, I hope they just leave the needles in and leave the tape!!!
"Again!!! Please. Just leave the tape. Never remove tape from my body. I'm a hairy guy." I don't think they heard that.

I don't think I'll be able to make the softball game next Sunday.

We’ve been in the ICU for a week now. I want to talk about appreciation and that means food.

Appreciate Nurses Not Doctors
Forget about doctors right now. I am grateful beyond words to them and they don't like talking to me. They only talk with family members of importance. That includes family members that are doctors and pets.
We're talking nurses today. Nurses who go to school and learn how to have a heart and care for people all day long. Doctors care in spurts. Doctors care for the requisite 'hello' and then start thinking about how they're going to cut me open. They're thinking what kind of scalpel will work on me.
I want to show the nurses appreciation. The necessary emotion they bring to the job. I'm amazed at the amount of care they show. I studied acting. I can pull kindness for thirteen minutes. I'm not a method actor. I've timed my ability to care, sitting with community members at shul. I've timed it. I once made it to thirteen minutes listening to Fran talk about her grandchildren. At thirteen minutes, I ran, left my gefilte fish and Kichel on the table. I stayed away from shul for two weeks after that.

Showing Appreciation with Food
We brought them donuts. They appreciated that. Donuts and coffee. That is how you show appreciation in the hospital, if police are taking care of your mother. You bring them donuts and coffee.
The next day, we brought them baked ziti, fruit and salad. They don't like us anymore. Salad is not a way to show appreciation. Cabbage is not a gift. You don't make friends with celery sticks. You can try to wow them with peanut butter. They still won't like you. And they definitely won't like you if you bring pasta in cylinder form.
Cake, candy, ice coffee. That's how you show appreciation. Stuff that makes you fat.
Fruit might work. but only in platter form. Once they platter it, that's real expensive, and that's appreciated. And don’t ruin chocolate by putting it on a strawberry. It's not appreciated. And we're not sure if that makes the chocolate healthy or not. Quite confusing.

Why Show Appreciation
Nurses like to put on weight.
They will treat your loved ones better if you put out stuff they can't eat at home. It turns out that some nurses force the healthy stuff on their kids. They show up to work for the chocolate. And their kids think asparagus makes you fat.
If you end up bringing a tortilla salad, with soggy tortillas, they're pulling the plug without even asking the family first. I heard about that in the waiting room.

Waiting Room Advice
We learned the technicalities of nurse feeding from our buddies in the waiting room. Working nurses is a big topic in the waiting room. Working nurses and death.
A woman in the waiting room told us the rehab technique of leaving the donuts and candy in the room. She also suggested to buy them trinkets, even though you can't eat them. This way they want to help the patient. Her loved one was on life support, but she understood what was important. Candy.
The candy in room technique is quite helpful. The candy works as nurse bait. Taffy works best. It takes a while to chew, and it keeps them in the room for a few extra minutes.
To cover all bases, we put out Kinder eggs. They got those little toy trinkets inside the chocolate. I believe Kinder Co. is trying to corner the waiting room market.
I was a bit hesitant to take her advice, as she was working for her family member as well. Nonetheless, I found an excellent deal on Kinder.

Now the Nurses Expect the Food
We gave the nurses some of the food. That was a mistake. Now they expect it.
We forgot one day, they ignored us. We pressed the emergency bell to the room, nobody came.
To get the nurses to stop complaining, we gave them the ziti. They stopped asking for food after that. It turns out nobody likes ziti, or people who give it to them. To quote, 'Ziti?!!! The family couldn't even get us mac and cheese. Oxygen is dropping. Til the family brings mac and ice coffee, they're on their own. I'm not going.'
We had a family discussion about higher quality food. We can't live up to nightly shnitzel and brisket for all the nurses and aides in the ICU. We're sticking to donuts and coffee.
It turns out the nurses only come if they're getting apple fritters. The machine beeping with the heart rate monitor, showing 'oxygen low,' does not bring nurses to the room. Fritters.
To quote: 'There are no fritters and coffee. Let the machine beep.' Response of Aide: 'I think they're the ones that brought us the ziti.' Nurse Again: 'I hear you. Let somebody else cover that room.'

Things I Learned
Show proper appreciation to the nurses and give them cake. Better yet, donuts. Don't try to be fancy. Stick to donuts and coffee. Or donut cake and coffee.
If you want people to hate you, give them vegetables. And never give anybody ziti, unless if you're looking to make an enemy.
Some nurses eat healthy. They're losers. We will discuss them another time. There's no pleasing these people.
If you truly care about your loved one's well-being, bring coffee slushies. Even the healthy nurses like those. Coffee slushies are part of the health category of food. Once the sugar is served in frozen coffee form, it's healthy.
Never buy doctors anything. They make enough off the insurance. They can afford coffee and donuts.

Conclusion
Don't waste money on nurses, buying them jewelry. Stick to trinkets.
Some nurses don't like to talk to me either, even if I have donuts.
Forget about the aides. Nobody thinks about the aides or CNAs. So, don't worry about getting them anything. They don't have access to the meds.
If it wasn't for food, I would be questioning why we have community. If it wasn't for food, nurses would be questioning why they're taking care of these people.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for HaRabbetzin Necha Bat Chayim Zaydel A”H and a Refuah Sheleyma for all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

It's been hard times with Mom going through stuff. Been in the ICU for a couple of weeks. Yet, many community people have been there to help.
Bikur Cholim help in Jewish communities is amazing. Bikur Cholim, visiting the sick, being a Mitzvah has helped me get a lot of food. Mom can't eat, but I am not going to tell anybody that. I'm enjoying all of the food, and I will keep telling them it's a Mitzvah.
When people think they're doing a Mitzvah, they do good. If people thought it was a Mitzvah to not be depressed, they might smile in shul. I think I have the makings of a non-profit here. I'm going to tell people it's a Mitzvah to give me money.
In hard times, it's good to know that people come together to help. In between the tears, it's good to know people care.

The Community Comes Out with Food Brings
Food brings out the beauty of the community. It's great to see community working together to make sure we are fed. The Jewish soul knows that people shouldn’t deal with crisis on an empty stomach. When family is in the hospital, in the ICU caring for a loved one that almost died, the Jewish community understands that what they need is a good spread.
They have lists going out. Different people cooking for us every night. They have Tehillim lists, Mishebeyrach blessings lists and Flanken rib lists.
One family from the community brought us bagels and lox. No onions. A Chutzpah. Probably the worst spread I ever had. I question their Neshama.
In between the tears, it's good to know there's food.

Family Visits
Cousins hear the shul members are bringing food, they're visiting for dinner. Not coming to the ICU for Mom. They're showing up for the shnitzel.
Close relatives are bringing food too. They are truly there for us. Bringing us food and eating it. I think the family likes the ambiance in the waiting room.  The dimmed lighting makes for an excellent dinner experience.

Bring Decent Food
The food you're bringing influences how many visitors come.
I just want to get in a thought here. An important thought. One that will help all members of the community. If you care, bring good stuff. The other night somebody brought us ziti. I would’ve liked to have known. I wouldn’t have visited that day.
You have to tell us what you're bringing too. I was Fleishicks. I couldn't eat dairy for another four hours. I would've run errands and then visited.
One day somebody had the Chutzpah of bringing cake and no whipped cream. When word got out, I heard some family members turned around on the I-95.

Food is Vital
Emotions don't get in the way of food.
In the hospital, my cousin asks us what we want for dinner tomorrow night, prefaced with, 'Although it's the furthest thing from your mind.' Don't assume. I am very much thinking about dinner tomorrow night. There is a big difference between breaded shnitzel and pretzel chicken.
If we’re not on top of the food, somebody might bring us ziti for dinner.

Things I Learned
When getting good food that I am not paying for, I don't ask if it's kosher.  
No matter how hard I have it, I'll be thinking about food. There's Jewish tradition to proclaim Gd's Oneness with the Shema when a person is about to pass on. I'll probably be saying a Shehakol on a nice piece of Flanken. It's a Bracha to Gd.
If people knew that there was all this food at the hospital, the ICU would be more well attended.

Conclusion
Everybody has an important place in community, if they can cook. If it wasn't for everybody helping, they might have missed a meal. And that means relatives would stop visiting.
Note of Importance: Please cook more. We didn't expect distant relatives who heard about dinner to be bringing their grandkids for supper. I only got one chicken finger the other night.
Another Note of Importance: Don't come if you don't have food. I see you coming in without a platter, I am truly asking myself why you're here.
In between the tears, it's good to know that our cousins are well-fed.
The food almost makes it all worth it.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for HaRabbetzin Necha Bat Chayim Zaydel A”H and a Refuah Sheleyma for all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

Mom made everybody feel special. A lesson we discussed last time. She did this by constantly giving. Mom was a giver. And so I started thinking about giving, until I realized how much it costs. I am still mad that shul dues are at around $2,200. I will put that aside for now.

Be a Giver
In Rabbi Dessler's Strive for Truth he teaches that it is man's mission to follow in Gd's ways, and Gd is a giver. Read the book if you want to know the chapter. I'm not here to be a dictionary for you. Do some work yourself. I won't always be here for you. I'm working on the giving thing. It takes time. Mom would've given you the source. Mom would've found the page for you.
Lesson is that we should all strive to be givers. Not takers. Like Gd who giveth life and... Forget the taketh part. We're talking about giving here. Gd gives.

What does ‘being a giver’ mean is the question. It means gratitude. It's making other people feel special. It's focusing on the other person. It also means giving. Hence, the word 'give.' If I have to explain this. I guess we answered that question. We should stop here. But I will go on.

Focus on Others
Being a giver is an outlook. A mindset. Thinking about others. How you express gratitude. It's a way to spend money.
If you think about yourself, you're going to get down. You’re going to start thinking about work, the kids, and how you got ripped off at Kohl’s when they gave you 280% off. Life is not that good. When you focus on others you can laugh at how bad they have it. That's the essence of joy.
Focusing on others allowed Mom to visit the sick, and make them feel good, even when dealing with me. It allowed Mom to be a nurse that brought joy to people in their hardest of times.
We should stop here. But I will go on for a bunch of feature pieces for a bunch of months. And I will go on right now about Mom's focus and how she gave with her conversation. I will then go on about Mom's giving of time and care. We will then learn from Mom's gift giving abilities and how she ruined my Chanukah.

Conversation of the Taker
Takers focus on themselves. The conversation is always about them and how bad their lives are. Nobody's life is ever good. Nobody ever talks about how amazing their tulips look. That's not conversation. People leave when you talk about that stuff. Spreading happy.
Nobody's life is good unless if they're on social media or being featured in the NJ Five Town Rockland County's publication of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot. How it is that they're the greatest donors and they're still able to live half the year in Maui on a yacht with a private chef? I don't know. But it deserves a plaque.
People’s lives on social media are amazing. They’re always smiling. They’re always on vacation. Never at work. Just a bunch of happy people smiling on Instagram. I never see that in shul. At Kiddish, I see these depressed doppelgangers. Depressed doppelgangers not willing to share a Kichel. Angrily elbowing me on their way to potato Kugel.

Conversation of the Giver
Givers focus on others. That is the essence of the giver. If you ever had a conversation with Mom it was focused on you and your family. She didn't want to have to explain why her son does dumb stuff.
Mom cared about others. The conversation was always, 'How are you kids doing?' You want to leave the question open and vague. Otherwise, you have to remember the kids' names. Mom actually knew their names. She just wanted to give the parents a chance to focus on the children that gave them Nachis.
'How are the kids doing?' Now that I think of all the lackluster performances at my violin recitals. Mom was trying to stump them. Catch them off guard in a moment of honesty, where they say how their children bring them no joy. That is why Mom was always able to laugh. She didn’t focus on her son who stuck on ‘Twinkle Little Star’ for eight years.

Mom focused on others. When she had a broken leg, you heard nothing about it. I sneezed and Mom gave me attention. Mom hopped over on one leg with a tissue, and I was asking why it took so long.
Mom never focused on herself. I remember hearing Mom had surgery around five years ago. I had no idea. On the day Mom had surgery I was complaining about a customer who didn't leave a tip at Off The Wall's bar.
Some things in life are hard. But you make it through. It was a hard day. Yet, I got through that day without the five shekels. It takes strength, but you do it.

Focusing on Others Allows You to Enjoy
It was this focus on others that still had Mom laughing even with her physical hurt. Being a giver allowed her to not think about her pain. It allowed her to be godly.
Focusing on others allows you to smile. Healthy people don't do that. Healthy people take. They take the positive of your life and kill it. They usually have a smug look of unhappy. Healthy people do whatever they can to ensure you're miserable. Your depression is their focus. They work as mechanics. [Sorry. That got out of hand. I just had an oil change and found out the guy thought it would be a good idea to fix the engine for six-thousand dollars as part of the 'free full service'. My tulips aren't looking that good. I hope that makes me affable.]

One of Mom's friends visited her in the hardest of her times, where Mom couldn't move or talk, after her aneurysm. Her friend said, 'I feel so bad. Last time I was here she couldn't move or say anything. I was down for a few days.' I turned to Mom and said, 'Mom. Rivka is having it hard.'
It was absurd to be there listening to this, suffering from an aneurysm, and somebody else is the one feeling bad. Mom laughed.
Mom was able to laugh, because she was a giver and focused on others. And nothing is funnier than how messed up other people are.

Lessons Learned
Focus on others and you will be able to enjoy life. You'll be able to laugh at them. ​Don't be a taker, focusing on yourself; you'll never get invited for another Shabbis meal. And don't focus on shul. Thinking about dues will bring you down.
If I ever have pain, I'm going to whack somebody else and think about their pain.
Perspective brings enjoyment. Mom had a beautiful perspective because she focused on others. She was a vessel of good in this world. A vessel that made everybody feel special, even if their children brought them no Nachis.
It was violin. It was the Suzuki method that messed me up.

Epilogue: I hope Rivka is OK. She must have had some hard years there not visiting.

Next time we will focus on gifts, and other cheaper ways of giving that people don't appreciate.

***As Mom's Yahrzeit was this month (it was hard putting this piece together), this should be for an Aliyas Neshama for נחה בת חיים זיידאל וריבה לאה ע"ה and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life. An world we can laugh in.

This sucks. Did this really happen???
Let me tell you what happened.
I thought I was gone. I was fine with that. Then somehow, I woke up and everybody was looking at me real weird. Like somebody just died. It's awkward when people are looking at you like you just died. And you did. Some were sad. I still like them. The others that had a smile on their face, it better be that they're happy I woke up.
I was fine with being gone. I was content not having to hear them complaining about pumps and augers anymore. Not having to fix stuff at the factory was not a bad reason to die. Not having to try on pants at Marshall’s, that’s a good reason to go. Between us, ice cream in general has been getting worse. Some people are even insisting frozen yogurt tastes good.

These are my thoughts. Apparently, nobody can hear me screaming. Maybe my voice is gone. I tried cracking the joke, “What's going on here? Did someone just die?” Nobody laughed. They must've not been able to hear it. Great timing too. Might have been the ambulance. Those things are loud.
They say it was a stroke. Was it a heart attack, cardiac arrest, having to raise kids? I don't know. It might have been a car accident. I don't know what happened. We'll call it a stroke. 

These are my memoirs. At least they're memories of what I can remember. I don't know. I had a serious stroke. Calm down. This is what I got. Do I have brain damage? How would I know?! All I know is that I have had to listen to a lot of people say real stupid stuff since the accident. They have definitely made me dumber.
These are the memories I have. I figured I would put this out there. I can't talk. That's what everybody is saying about me. I can't talk, I can't move, and from what I understand, some people want me dead. So, I figured I would write this with my buddy.

Day 1
I'm looking up. I have no idea what is going on.
Who are these people? I haven’t seen them before?
Did they just wake me?! I was in the middle of a good sleep. And why are they standing right by my bed?! That’s rude. Have they been watching me sleep the whole time?! Who the hell are these people?! Who the hell watches people sleep?! A little privacy would be appreciated. I think I just poohed in my bed.

Can everybody please stop staring at me?!!!
Why is everybody on top of me? And why I am in a stretcher?
Is this another doctor? Do they change my primary doctor every day?
Something is messed up here. Does anybody hear me? Please. A bit of privacy would be nice. Oh no. Some random dude is about to change me. Why do I keep on getting the guys. I would like a woman for once.
I have a lot of questions right now. And one of them is who is going to pay for all of this.
 
I guess I have a stroke. This fool in a white coat is saying, “It's a stroke.” I get it. I have a stroke. Will you shut the ---- up?! 
Why is this guy asking me questions? He knows I can't answer them. I have been yelling for the past five minutes and nothing is coming out.
How did it start? From what I remember, it was a conversation with John. Worst conversation I ever had. I have had some real bad conversations, but my head has never exploded before.

Let me take you back to when it stated.
I was hanging out with my buddy, John. Last thing I remember. John was telling me about his kids. We were in the promenade getting a cup of coffee and my brain exploded. He wouldn’t stop telling me about his kids going off to college. Yapping away about how proud he is. He just wouldn’t shut up. And boom, my brain just gave up. There is only so much hearing about John’s kids and the sports scholarships my brain can take before blowing up.
I would have to say, that the worst conversation I ever had. Even worse than the time I had to listen to Bernie's jokes at synagogue. That must be how strokes happen.

Forty-three. Who the hell gets this when they're forty-three. I am sure she's going to break up with me.

It turns out the white coat girl isn't even a doctor yet. She's still a student. She just likes saying “stroke.” Like she figured something out. I don't think now is a good time to ask her out.

Medicaid better cover this. If it was up to me, I would not be in this hole. I don't think workers comp covers conversations about how proud John is of his kids. So not talented.

Thank you to all who see the beauty and goodness H' gives us in this world. 
People are beautiful and special. I learned this from Mom when she insisted on me dating girls that I was not attracted to.

Last Mishna of Menachot. I finally learned something. I hope my Mom and Abba A"H are proud.
Be it a burnt-offering of cattle or a bird, or a meal-offering. By all of the offerings we say אשה ריח ניחוח 'A fire-offering, a pleasing aroma.' Why? 'To teach that whether one offers more or less, it is all one if he directs his mind to Heaven.' LShamaim. For Heaven.
If you have the right Kavana, it's all the same. All is holy if you have the right intent. All is pleasing to Gd if you have the right intent. This is why, when I'm binge-watching, I always have H' in mind.
Mommy always had the right intent. LShamaim.
In additions to all of Mommy's pleasing ways, she followed in H's ways and let others know they were a pleasing aroma. LShamaim.

Some People Offer Very Little
As long as their mind is directed to Heaven it is a pleasing Aroma.
Mommy treated all people the same. With respect. With dignity. With love.
As countless people shared over the Shloshim, they all felt loved by Mommy. They all felt important. I can tell you, as a member of the shul, they are not all very important people. Many of them you have to chase down for their dues. When they flip over the tab on the Yom Kippur appeal card, that's a good half a year of chasing. I don't know if that's what H' had in mind as 'pleasing' and 'Kavana.'
Mommy followed in H's path. She saw the pleasing aroma of all. She was a nurse. She dealt with people who smelled disgusting. Yet, she made them feel holy. She let everybody know they were loved by Gd. They were respected. She had the right Kavana. In turn, she allowed for them to have the right Kavana. LShamaim.

She Made People Feel Special
Be it her congregants, her kids, her kids' friends (how many people felt special because they had a pecan pie made for them?- chocolate chips- done right), coworkers, friends, residents at the nursing homes, aides, campers, random people taken back from the Kotel for a Friday night Seudah on their Israel visits because my father thought he knew them, people at the comedy club in Jerusalem that showed up for Karaoke, the cashier at Kohl's taking back the weekly thirty returns because Kohl's Cash will do that to you, they all felt like they were unique when Mommy interacted with them. Smiling when possible, even in the worst of times. My Mom even smiled when the mechanic charged her. That is how much good Mommy saw in people. 
I have never smiled at a mechanic. The only way I have made a mechanic feel special is by allowing them to rip me off.
Everybody felt special. Everybody was special. Not greater or worse than anybody else. Everybody was respected. They were special and holy. LShamaim. They were respected as themselves by our Mother. Not judged. Loved and appreciated for who they were. A pleasant smell. A congregant who didn't help out with Kiddish.
All loved the same. All given a smile. All shared her laugh. Some people weren't even funny. But they tried. So, Mommy laughed.
And somehow, they all felt special. Like they were the most important person. It was LShamaim. And now they know that everybody else was also important. That kind of kills that feeling of being special.

All of her Mitzvot done with no ego. LShamaim. It was because of her unselfish way of living that everybody felt special.

Some People Give Nothing
The different offerings cost different amounts. Some people just give a bird. You're invited over to their house expecting brisket. They give chicken for dinner. It's a letdown. Then there are those that just give you some flour. You're hoping for meat and then you find out it's vegan night, and you're eating quinoa, and you are not pleased.
The members of the shul that don't even pay their dues. Mommy made them all feel important. And the shul board resented that.

Lessons Learned
Be nice to people and shower.
Know you're special. My Mom would've treated you that way.
Treat others as if they're special, even when they are not. Let them know they're special by paying attention to them, even when they're sharing jokes you've heard before. The way you treat others is in turn the pleasing aroma you offer.
Don't have an ego. Your ego is not for Heaven. It doesn't allow you to treat others as special. The selfish ego is the lack of Kavana that does not bring a pleasing aroma to Gd. That sounds like a good rabbi message.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. As Mom always taught BTaam vReiach Ein LHitvakeyach, there is no arguing with taste and smell. We all have our own taste and smell. However, we can all agree on ugly. She didn't teach that last part. I read between the lines. Why Mommy insisted I go out with that girl. I hope one day I will get over it.
If it's LShamaim, you will see the beauty in others. Though, from experience, you may not want to date them.

Do it all LShamaim. Everything Mommy did was LShamaim and with intent. And Mommy had Kavana when she Davened. There are some lessons I didn't learn. At least I shower before I pray to help with the stink.

Wait: Just got this one. אשה ניחוח. Necha נחה. Mommy was the epitome of pleasant.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for נחה בת חיים זיידאל וריבה לאה ע"ה and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

I have never been in a hospital where I can find my way. When I visit people, I get lost. Sometimes, I can't even find the entrance. I can't tell you the amount of times I have been late to appointments because I was there on time.

It Must Be Poor Building Plans
Half the time, I have to go through another building that was added on fifty years ago, to get back to the building I was in.
Here is an Actual Conversation: 'How do I get to building A?' 'You go through building B, then you take the orange elevator. Come back down the green elevator then go through building A. You might make it after you find blue.' 'Am I in building A now?' 'Yes. But to get to building A, you have to take the purple stairs to building B. But there is more...'
It's harder than giving directions in Jerusalem. They may not have streets that lead into each other going the correct way from a one-way street. However, in the Holy City they at least have street names. In the hospital, I have to memorize color number codes, foreign alphabets, floral arrangements. The directions went on: 'It's 55g74d on the red spectrum. That's where you'll find the elevator... Then you find somebody who is standing near some lilies.' It's like a scavenger hunt. I have to find somebody by the tertiary colors to get back to the primary colors, where I can visit my family..

Information Had No Idea
I went to reception. For my last appointment, they had no idea. Information had to look at a map. At first they were shocked and told me I was at the wrong hospital. Then I got this, 'This is our city... Yes. Most of it is underground.' They marked it like I was a tourist, and they were amazed that they figured it out. ‘Nope. I was wrong. You go that way. Through those doors to get that way. Then, that way through purple color code 548de3 stairwell back to fluorescent green. Now I know what the neon signs are for.’
I shall repeat. Yes. It is frustrating when the information people have to look at a map. It's like going the information booth at the subway station and them going, 'I am just as lost as you are.' That's why the hospital people sit at information and don't move. They don't want to get lost.
The only person who knows how to get anywhere is the lady in the gift shop. They've found shortcuts to deliver balloons lilies.

No Hospital Plans the Additions
They do an addition and then they give it a color. They expect you to know that fluorescent yellow color code 5132d3 means 'right.'
They throw down a building, build some kind of skyway, on ground level in a color coordinate. And then they realize that there are no entrances to the building they just built.
Why they have skywalks on ground level still baffles my mind.

Doctors Get Lost
I can't imagine doctors can find their way in these places. It would take more than four years of medical school and eight years of residency to learn how to locate the operating room. That's why they call it a residency. You need to live there for many years before they can trust you to figure out the location of your office.
This is why we have to wait for doctors all the time. They have no idea where the appointment is. They can't find their way from their office to the room. And if they're colorblind, they have to quit.

They Don't Want You to Visit Family - That is My Conclusion
It’s a maze with random colors. Unless if you're a tracker, you will get lost. Once, I found a cafeteria. It must have been in an unmarked bunker. I never found it again. They do whatever they can to make it impossible to find your way and visit.
Once you've studied maze building and mastered escape rooms, you can visit your family member.
It's even harder to find ICU. ICU is tucked away behind tertiary colors in an unfinished building. Transparent tertiary is code for ICU in the hospital. I didn't know that.

Conclusion
Once I find ICU, with the help of the floral lady at the gift shop standing by the neon green opaque, I stay. I know that if I try to find the waiting room, I will never find my way back.
And don't tell me that you were at the hospital and it was easy to find your way. That was not a hospital. That was an office building. It might have been an infirmary. It was definitely not a hospital.
I've got an appointment tomorrow at the University Medical Center. I am going to study my tertiary colors. I know I am not going to find my car in the parking lot. I'm going to have to abandon it and walk home.

PREVIOUS JOURNAL ENTRY THAT WAS MISPLACED
Journal Entry by Rabbi Shaya Kilimnick — January 2, 2016
By Rabbi Shaya Kilimnick — last edited Dec 24, 2015

Dear Friends and Family,
So I just finished the first round of chemotherapy. For seven days in succession they inject you three time under the skin. Fortunately, I had no adverse reaction other than enormous surges of fatigue and difficulty falling asleep. Now I have three weeks until the next round of chemo and will, G-d willing not feel so weak. I do, however, need to go to the clinic every other day for blood work and platelet and blood transfusions.

The illness I have is MDS - Myelodysplastic Syndrome. It is a diverse bone marrow disorder in which the bone marrow does not produce enough healthy blood cells. Also referred to as bone marrow failure. You could probably google it to find out more. I however, hope that you use your precious time to pray on my behalf.
Once again, I don't know how to thank enough the many who have sent emails, cards, calls and food. I also thank those who are ardently working on a match for the Bone Marrow Transplant. May Hashem bless you all.

Above all, there aren't sufficient expressions of gratitude for my wife Nechie other than thanking G-d for listening to my Kvitel (written prayer) that I placed in the Kotel in August of 1968 on our first date at the Western Wall in Yerushalayim. Like then, I hope Hashem will continue to answer my prayers for good health and Arichat Yamim (long life)

His Child's Commentary & Lessons He Learned from Abba 
Previous misplaced entry is the title. That is Abba. Honesty. And that is what made him a great humorist and funny person. That is what added to the genuineness that is the charisma that people to this day still visualize. An Emes. A truth.

Chemotherapy was a big thing for our family. We all showed up to it. Aunts, uncles. Our family doesn't waste an opportunity to be together for a Simcha. And here, we got free ginger ale and granola bars. That made my aunt happy.
'Surges of fatigue and difficulty falling asleep.' I get that every day. That's asides from the point. Regarding Abba and the lack of sleep, at least this time it wasn't my fault.
Abba is making chemotherapy and blood platelet transfusions sound easy. I was there. It was not easy. I had to get the drinks from the fridge. I had to get the Diet Coke and chips every evening. It really does make you tired. I had to fill up the ice cream bowl and bring it to Abba. The daily routine of chemotherapy is not that easy. I was very fatigued. I am extremely self-absorbed.

Instead of looking it up on Google, Abba wants people to pray. As a rabbi, you try to get people to pray. It doesn't happen. They're all on Google, trying to figure out why they didn't become a physician, and talking during services.
Abba wanted people to pray. What else do you want from them?! To pray and bring food. If they're not bringing food, then what else can they do?!
I hate when people ask me how somebody is doing, to find out they only want the information. Abba is telling people to do more than have a conversation about him. Though, you can't stop congregants from talking Lashon Hara about you.
I wish everybody took that lesson of prayer to heart. If you're asking genuinely, because you truly care and want to bring food, then ask and find out. If you're not bringing food, then pray.
I wish Abba would've mentioned food. I was at the house at this point, and people bringing Kugels and lox would've been appreciated. Very disappointing.

People asking about the illness for simple talking points truly bothers me, as a family member.
Let me get this off my chest: I got a call the other day from a guy asking for Tzedakah (charity). It was on Abba's phone. I kept Abba's phone number and I can tell you, once you're in Olam Haba (the world to come) they still ask you for money. The Shnurers and the organizations will still try to track you down. They're even sending my father calendars.
Abba ZT"L has been in Olam Haba for two and a half years. This past Rosh Hashana, he received twenty calendars. To note, I received not one. People already know they're not going to get any money out of me. And what happened to the books about rabbis and Megillahs? Have organizations decided that they should all send out calendars?
They send the calendars, just in case. H' can work miracles. Who's to say that they can't send money from Olam Haba. And would it not be a bad thing if Abba were to not know when Chanukah starts on the Jewish calendar in New York City?!
The Shnurer called because he thought Abba was in this physical world. I told him that he was in Olam Haba. He then went on to ask about my mother, in a rude way. He knew about Mom's aneurysm, which is why he probably gave my dad a break from Tzedakah. I could tell that the guy had received a lot from my dad. To end the call, after he got his information, he said, 'Interesting story.' It was the rudest interaction I had ever had. At least at the time I felt that way. I feel many interactions are the rudest. Yet, this was up there. A selfish person who only wanted money. He is not praying for anybody. He is just looking for money and a decent conversation piece. To him, it was just a story. The aneurysm and Abba's move to Olam Haba. Just a story.
At least he has a story now. When talking with his Shnurer friends at Kiddish, he might even have the Zechut (the honor) of having everybody's attention to tell them about the "RACHMANIS."
And for my Mom, the Shnurer didn't offer a Refuah Sheleyma. To him, it was just an interesting story and a let down, knowing that he might not get money from Abba. I am sure he will send Abba a calendar.

Now that I got that off my chest: People should be praying. That is what Abba is saying. Praying and/or helping. Abba appreciates the calls and the kindness expressed in emails, with a Refuah Sheleyma.  I don't believe those calls, cards and emails ended with 'interesting story.'
And Abba thanks those who are doing something to find him a transplant. He isn't saying that he just appreciates prayer. I think Abba would rather the people trying to find him a transplant try to find him a transplant, and not pray that they go find him a transplant. Pray and find. Between us, if they were truly spiritual Gd fearing Jews they wouldn't look for a transplant; they would just pray.
He did not thank people who are using him, as they do anybody dealing with illness, as a conversation piece.

Abba is full of thanks. He was always thankful to people. He was always appreciative of people. Those two go together. When you appreciate other people you can truly be thankful. That's a lesson for you to share. Sometimes, I have profoundness to share.
The problem is that most people give me nothing to thank them for. Ever since they stopped bringing the food to the house, it's hard to find something to thank them for. The first month or so you get food. After that, you get a leftover rugulach every once in a while.
Abba always expressed appreciation, especially for the elderly and doctors. He was appreciative of people. That is probably why he was honest. Why he loved seeing them laugh. And where the charisma exuded from.

The Kotel story: Abba put a Kvitel (a note of prayer) in the Kotel to ask Gd that my mother should be his wife. As he told the story, he pushed the note in and my mother pushed it out from the women's side. Every time he pushed it in, my mom would push it on the other side and it would pop back out. If I delivered the story well, it would be funny. I am sure the Shnurer would botch it up. It's good I didn't tell him the Kotel story.

Abba wanted health and a good long life. I don't know if he got the longer life he was praying for at the time. Though, in this physical Olam, he lived every moment to the fullest. What he gave and continues to give this Olam is of a full long life.
I sleep a lot. That's how I pray for long life. I do very little and sleep. And before I go to sleep, I pray it will be a good long sleep. Abba was active and he gave to this Olam.
Abba lived this physical Olam to the fullest. A romantic, my Mom is the only one for him. He took everything as a blessing from Gd. And for all of that, his life continues. His long life continues.

You can't ask people to do something they can't. I will addendumize Abba's request, as I know you will look it up. Look it up on Google and pray.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for רב ישעיה בן יחזקאל זצ"ל and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

I Can't Go a Day Without Eating
I am going for a quick procedure and the doctor's office said I can't eat for a day. I have never been so mad in my life. Yom Kippur is painful, but I do it. I do it for the sake of Heaven. So that I can get Heaven. Now, I've got to do another day with no food???!!! And I don't even get Heaven for it!!!
If another Jewish calamity happened, I would fast. As a good Jew, that's how I mourn. I fast. That is tantamount to giving up everything, to me. I asked the doctor if a great Jewish sage died on this day. He had no answer. He also couldn't answer anything about a Jewish exile from Rochester, New York. I let him know that another Temple was not destroyed, and then I agreed to not eat for the day, and his staff went back to work. My anger apparently drew everybody's attention.
And I think about people who are ill and being fed through IVs, and I forget about them and I get very angry that I can't eat for the day.

Our Whole Life is Entertainment
TV. Internet. Eating. All we do is try to enjoy ourselves. Even learning. People learn Torah and they enjoy it. It's entertainment. Don't ask me how it's entertainment. I have seen some Chasidic Yeshivas where they learn Rashi and dance the Hora.
How can it not be our duty to bring constant enjoyment and entertainment to people who can't access it themselves? Would that not be our most important moral duty in this physical world we live in? And, do people without full strength, who express joy without all of this constant entertainment, not deserve more respect than anyone, for their strength?
Reminder. I am getting angrier, as it has been another hour without food. Even being able to drink liquids bothers me. If I'm not chewing on food, I am not happy.
Just drinking liquids is painful. I enjoy liquids when I'm eating solids. I need the food. It's like having a cup of milk and no pastry. Like drinking a glass of Coke with no brisket. Like drinking Snapple with no pizza. You need the thing to wash down. I don't wash it down with chocolate milk. I chew it down with rugelach.
Our life is activities. We need to be doing stuff. I need a division head in my house, making sure I don’t get bored.

How Do They Do Any of It
They can’t eat. And they live???
Limiting my enjoyment with anything bothers me. My whole day is about enjoyment. How do they not leave their bed, get bad sleep, get woken every three hours, never leave their room, not have their TV on, have nobody around for a day or eighty, not move at all, get stuck in a gown with their tush out all year?
I can't stay in a bed for longer than thirteen hours. I can sleep for thirteen hours. I just can't stay in bed after that.
I can't be in a room with nothing to do, just left to space out. I’ll start cleaning. When I’m cleaning, something is wrong. How people can stare at a ceiling and want to live baffles me. There must be a greater level of transformative mediation when people leave you in a room with nothing to do. I just don’t know how to meditate without eating.
I can't not watch TV (TV means something on a screen that has volume on it- TV includes watching a movie on computer- and all the Frum Jews who are hiding their TV should know I see their computer, and I am judging). If I needed somebody to turn on my TV and they weren't there, I would go crazy. If they put on the wrong channel, because they thought Hallmark was a good station, I would probably start eating solids.
I can't not have people to talk to. I even have a hard time being at home alone. I need the TV just to hear other people's voices. Preferably a drama with family yelling at each other. That makes it feel more like home. As annoying as it is to have to talk to people at Kiddish, I need it. I need shul. If I’m not at shul, I'll never be able to find my doctor.
I can't go a day without leaving the house. Even during COVID I went to the grocery store every night. It was the only place I could go. Sometimes we didn't need anything, so I picked up milk. We had freezers full of milk by the end of COVID.
I can't not go to the gym. I need to be active to know that I'm aiding myself in being less healthy and out of shape.
I can't have random people changing me, putting on messed up clothes with the tag of the women that used to be in my room. Hand-me-downs from Ethel, who none of the new staff ever met.
Reading. I can go without reading. But people enjoy it. Don't ask me.
I can’t not eat. There are people in this home that haven’t eaten for years. Not eating for one day, I can see how much more we need to give to our family and friends who are bedbound. And thank Gd for TV. If I didn't have TV for the day, I would be even angrier. And I can change the shows.
 
It's Not Spiritual
People have to stop being spiritual. Bedbound people need stuff to do.
Spirituality is great when I don’t need food. I was praying for food today. Didn't help. I couldn't eat it. I needed other activities. At least I had TV, and I could turn it on. I was able to move around and get out of my house. Those who are bedbound and/or can’t eat, their activities are limited. They can pray and connect with Gd. But they can’t reach the remote.
Whenever it comes to sick people, or people without full health, everybody gets spiritual. They start praying for them. They leave them unattended, staring at their feeding tubes, and pray for them. 'I pray that somebody is taking care of them.' ‘I pray they’re not bored.’ ‘I hope they’re enjoying the football game. I pray somebody turns it on for them. It’s a great game. I pray one day they’ll be able to eat wings again… Honey. Where's the garlic mayonnaise dip.’
I am very angry about this not eating thing. This doctor has no soul. I love garlic mayonnaise.

Conclusion
Most importantly, they deserve our respect. How do they do it? How do they go on from day to day and still find beauty in this world, and appreciate it? Strength. Spiritual strength. TV.
People who are sick, and people living in a less physically able state, deserve our admiration. They deserve our support. They deserve for us to be there, to help them with all the moments of entertainment they deserve, so they don't have to focus on not eating. They deserve for us to learn from them.
They're an inspiration. Weight Watchers should be out there praising them. Letting the world know that people are out there not eating solids.
One day and I can't do it. And I'm watching TV right now, on the internet, hitting the gym after the procedure, and I'm praying to Gd and being spiritual so I don't have to help anybody.
It's not helping people enjoy life and bad cooking that destroyed the Temple.

Last time I shared thoughts from the resident, Golden Girls was off Hallmark. A nightmare for many residents. Since then, they’ve had many more thoughts. Here they are:
 
Is the PT back? 
She's rolling me again?!
 
They're playing Hallmark in the dining room.

How many times are they going to roll me?! I liked that position.
 
I have been coughing for half an hour. Is this a weekend?
It is. That makes sense. That's why I am not being changed. They're understaffed. I'll wait till Monday for the wipe.
 
Oh ----. Shower day.
Oh ----. 

I have an itch. This time, on the left side.
They just bathed me. Why am I still itching?
Will they ever get that hair off my back? The haircut was almost a month ago? 
Where is the aide?
You're a CNA. Sorry. I didn't know that. I thought aide was the correct term.
I also thought I could call the secretary a secretary. I didn't realize his job offended him. 

Why are they visiting now? Don't they know it's Bingo today?

Why are they screaming at me again?

I pray I never get another window visit. I thought people were breaking into my room. It was my kids. I raised a bunch of felons.
What happened that my kids couldn't come in? I was lonely. 
Are my kids still using COVID as an excuse to not visit. They're not even doing window visits now.

Shasta again.
 
Are those cards from last week? No.
Those cards are from two years ago. I know I had a birthday two years ago. 
I don't have dementia. I know today is not my birthday.
Where was everybody on my birthday? My birthday last year. I think they forgot. 
If I say they forgot, they're going to tell me about the cards. This is messed up.
 
Who took my car?
Where is my money?
Is it Medicare?
Did Medicare take it?
Did my kids take it? 

I have an itch.

Yes. I'm sleeping again.
I like to sleep. Doesn't mean you can't visit.
 
Is somebody else wiping me?
Can they at least get the left shoulder while they’re at it?!
 
I can’t stop coughing.
 
That machine really is loud.
Everything here is loud.
Even when people talk to me, they scream.
 
Who the ---- is this random person washing me up today? I don't know them.

My ear hairs are growing.
My ears are bigger. Did they have a growth spurt?
 
Finally Golden Girls is back on Hallmark.

Did I just cough phlegm?

Why is shower day not every day? I like to shower.
 
Will somebody tell her to shut up?
She's screaming again.
Shut the hell up.
This is hell.
​
Where the hell are my kids?
Did they stick me in here to get rid of me?
Those pieces of...
 
Am I in hell? No. It's Hallmark. 
Wait. This is hell. There is Bingo and nobody is smoking.
 
Really. Where the hell are my kids?
 
Will somebody clean my tush already? The poop is still here.

Is there still pooh in my bed?
It's been two hours with pooh. Somebody's got to come and change me.
I pressed the call button an hour ago.

Did they just move this random person into my room? They didn't consult me. 
Yes. That's why I'm mad. Are they a felon? Exactly. You don't know.
Do I get a say in any of this?

Stucco staring is what I have been doing the past four months.
Thank God the ceiling is stucco. Otherwise, I would be staring at a non-textured ceiling.

Why is my roommate the only one that doesn’t like watching Hallmark? Now, I’ve got to bring up my TV more.
 
Why do I have a roommate? I’ve been out of college for sixty-five years.

Initiation manual should have stucco staring.
I can use some crushed ice. Crushed ice is amazing.

There is no Bingo today? Oh shoot.

Did I just see that guy's tush?
This is going to be a long till I die.
​I hope the next world is better. It's got to be good there.

Can somebody please put on Hallmark.

Why did you move her out? I was beginning to like her.

Are they still praying for me or did they give up?

Who the hell is this aide? Why can't they just have the good one?
I need some help here!!!
I rung the emergency bell fifteen minutes ago. What do I ring when there's an emergency.

​This aide is really bad. I think they just gave me a rash.

Are they talking in third person about me again?
They are.
I’m not five years old.
Please talk to me. I’m a person.
Oh shoot. I am a teaching tool right now. There is a doctor class here.

Crushed ice is amazing. Why did we never get crushed ice in our house?

I really do have an itch. Can somebody please help? Left side.

Tell her to shut up. 
STOP YELLING!!!! I AM HURTING TOO!!!! IT'S THE WEEKEND!!! THEY'LL HELP YOU TOMORROW!!!!

Let’s go to the show with that guy playing guitar. I think it’s a different guy today, playing songs with his guitar. That’s today’s show. A different guy playing guitar and singing songs from the ‘60s. I know I’ll fall asleep at the show. That’s why I want to go.
I really want to go to the show. I like to sleep in different environments. I already slept at dinner last night. I want to sleep at the show today.

Really. Where is my money?
If the family took my money, the least they can do is visit.

I think I just pooped again.
Aide!!!!

I still have an itch.

Conclusion
They love Golden Girls. The day it was back on Hallmark, the favorite channel of the nursing home resident, heaven returned to the home. Watching Golden Girls and drinking Shasta Cola, knowing that there will be Bingo tomorrow. And then, crushed ice. Life is amazing.
 
***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

Shabbat Report
Journal Entry by Rabbi Shaya Kilimnick — January 1, 2016

First let me express my gratitude to the many who came to the Bone Marrow Donor night. Close to 100 people were there and 80 swabs were collected. I was told that the number exceeded all expectations. Thank you all so much. To Tim and Pat and all those who work so hard for ROC4Israel, and from all over our Jewish community. I hope one day I will be able to properly express my appreciation for all your kindness, love and concern. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
I know that there are other evenings and venues being organized to conduct a search in my honor and I thank you so much.

This past week several things have changed . I go to Wilmot Cancer Center at Strong every other day for either a platelet infusion or blood transfusion. Having had my first round of chemotherapy , it seems that it's starting to take effect already. This week the blood transfusion wasn't necessary because the number was high enough however I still needed platelet infusion.

On a brighter note , trying to think positive, the New Year 2016 is a good 'gematria'...2016 equals 20+16=36  DOUBLE CHAI....

I received many calls this week from so many , and so many gifts of food from Hillel School and so many friends Lipmans, Sabra and  Rochester is "KOSHER SOUP CITY' ...wow!!Thanks to all and even with all the goodies I still lost 15 lbs. We are keeping all the cards and lists of those who have helped and one future day you will receive a thank you card. The staff at Wilmot are all just wonderful

This week also my daughter came in from Israel. Her smile and help makes me stronger. Next week my eldest is coming in from Israel.
I thank my friend for getting a special recliner temporarily which assists me with alleviating the back problems that have challenged me during this period.

Now for the good news. On Tuesday evening when the Bone Marrow testing was being conducted, I received a message from the Bone Marrow Transplant unit. They potentially received a perfect match for me and on Wednesday they called and told us that there are another two potential perfect matches , three in all. To use their expression 'Rabbi this is awesome'. You could imagine the happiness we felt at home laughing and crying... There is HOPE... B'EH
I attribute this to all the prayers, tehillim and  the act of kindness displayed by all who came out to have the swabbing. There will be others who will benefit. It takes 4-6 weeks to process. But so many might also be helped on my behalf.
In Pirke Avot....'Lafum Tzaara Agrah', according to the effort is the reward' I believe the outpouring of love and concern for me awarded me these potential donors.

So this is my report for now....Thank you , Thank You , Thank You.... nurses, technicians, doctors, family, friends .....have a wonderful Shabbos and I will keep this positive attitude alive. Also please pray for our friend's mother who is quite ill and for another friend who is in rehab at the Jewish Home and for our doctor friend who recently had hip surgery...they should have a refua shleymah......love....Rabbi Kilimnick

His Child's Commentary & Lessons He Learned from Abba 
(written with the style of length of the Beit Yosef)
Abba starts with gratitude. I learned myself to always start with gratitude. When you don't, people get antsy. That means a good forty-five minutes of speech or performance where people are thinking how ungrateful you are. Ungrateful and self-centered e goes by with people think how unappreciative and self-centered Last three minutes, when the thank yous come out, they're cursing at me, saying stuff like 'he's just thanking us because he has to. That selfish...' Because of that nasty response, I sometimes forget to thank people altogether. 
Abba is expressing true appreciation, because HaKarat HaTov, recognizing of the good, comes first. Appreciation comes first. If you don't thank them right away, you'll start to see how annoying they are. Thank them before seeing their online comments, before you want to take it back. This is why they thanked all the people coming to the bone marrow donor night, before they were tested, with a 'thank you for coming.' After dealing with all their questions, the organizers were saying, 'Please go.' The organizers with a sense of calmness said, 'Thank you for leaving.'

The bone marrow donor night with a hundred people who cared. That means something to Abba. That ROC4Israel group looked up to Abba, and through that Israel connection, they showed their care. One hundred people showed and eighty swabs. Who the twenty people were that showed and didn't swab. Shame. Maybe the twenty were picketing, staging a protest against bone marrow transplants.
I don't know how Israel advocacy is connected with bone marrow transplants. I can tell you, advocates are good at staging a protest. I can also tell you that Abba's donor was from Israel. I can also tell you that many Israelis are bone marrow conscientious. They care about other people's health. I can also tell you that if ROC4Israel would've raised money and sent my parents on a trip to Israel, with hotels fully covered, that would've also been appreciated by Abba. Sending my parents to Israel would've helped the ROC4Israel cause.

'Properly express my appreciation.' Abba wants to someday give back. He gave a lot to people. I think he already showed his appreciation by trying to be there for all of their life cycle events.

It was a search in Abba's honor, and it hopefully helped other people. Honories very rarely get anything for their being honored. I know that. I was Bar Mitzvahed. The shul made a lot of money off my Bar Mitzvah. I got acknowledgment cards from the shul that people donated in my honor. In Abba's case, a donor came from somewhere else.
It goes to show that if you put out a prayer for other people, you will receive that prayer yourself. That's why I always pray for other people. I am hoping I will reap benefits.
We learn this from Avraham who praise for the people of Gerar to have children, and then Sarah has a child. It's a sneaky move, but it works. And thanks to praying on behalf of other people, the Jewish nation is here. It says nothing about Avraham giving money to Gerar, on behalf of Yaakov. That would be a waste of money, and a depletion of Yaakov's inheritance. To note, I never got money from the shul.
Abba expresses Hakarat Hatov. It's the appreciation of others and gratitude is what makes the world go round, even if you go broke doing it, stuck in Rochester with no trip to Israel.

This is the start of the transfusions and chemotherapy. Going to Strong Hospital every other day now. That's the life. You become connected to it. It's a life separate from the community. It's your backstage. It's where you sit and take the pain, and do it with dignity. And then you show up to work and listen to the board complaining. You show up to the factory and your boss tells you you're late. You show up after a day of chemo, and they have you running errands.
Abba has a positive outlook that it's taking effect. I don't know if it's the chemo. I do believe it's that he doesn't have to see the congregants.

2016 is Double Chai. Two lives. This is Abba going for a second life. For me, 2016 was another year with no woman. The second life concept is one that Abba could turn into a great Dvar Torah. He can make it inspirational. If I said something like that, people would say I was an idiot. When my father said it, it touched their souls. A second life. A second chance at doing Mitzvahs.

Rochester is Kosher Soup City. The Rochesterians are big on sending soup. A lot of food. Everybody sends food. Gifts of food. That's the Jewish tradition. When you hear somebody's sick, you try to make them fatter.
'Thanks to all and even with all the goodies I still lost 15 lbs.' Abba lost 15 pounds. They were sending soup. You can't put on weight with soup.​
That was when Abba knew he was sick. When he was started losing weight, he knew there was an issue. He kept it positive with the 'soup city' quote. But he was really trying to tell people to send some decent food. In the beginning, they sent decent food, and then it turned into soup. It had you questioning if it was worth it to not feel well in Rochester.

Keeping the cards is correct. The dining room table is full of cards. We got cards. Not money. I would've been more excited visiting home, if I saw money on the dining room table. Seeing 'Get Better' all over the table had me feeling like I was sick.
My parents were big on thank you cards. I thought it was only for my Bar Mitzvah, where they made me do it. It turns out that thank you cards make all gifts not worth it. I learned that at my Bar Mitzvah. 
If you didn't receive a card, know that my dad enjoyed your gift more than if he would've sent the card. Maybe you can calm down, get over it, and chalk it up to the fact that he had cancer. I've got to say, congregants are very needy.

Children coming in from Israel. That always brought joy to Abba. Knowing his kids are in Israel and knowing they're visiting. It was hard to satisfy both at the same time. Nonetheless, each of those brought him Nachis.
Got the special recliner. It makes it all worth it. It's an electric recliner where you don't have to use your legs to stand or sit. It does everything for you. That recliner brought a lot of joy to cancer. 

During the Bone Marrow testing, potential matches came in for Abba. I'm telling you, your prayers are answered when you pray for others. Donations won't help you get gifts. But prayers for others help.
They said it's awesome. That's how you know they're from Rochester. Rochesterians always use the word 'awesome.' I do it to this day. They also add a few 'e's to the end of every Jewish word. Challee, Havdalee, Shmatee.

There is HOPE. Hope is the one thing that kept Abba going. Hope, leftovers from before we had soup, and that recliner. 
Hope and BE"H (with the help of God) go together. You can have hope when you believe in God. Hope is what keeps you alive. It's your drive. Once Abba had that, he was good to go. Seeing the people come out, and knowing he had a donor, he had so much more strength. I know, because congregants started coming to him with complaints.
There was a lot of emotion in the house. When you see that hope, when there's a ray of light in that dark, you cry. A cry of hope and God's truth. A cry you can only have around the ones you love. Other people would try to figure out what you're crying about, and send you soup.
​
Abba attributes it to prayer and kindness. The kindness of those who came out to the marrow donor night. They, along with the donor, brought out the hope. And others will benefit as well. It's circular. Everything we do in this world is circular. And that's why you give decent food. Trust me, when you have a fever, you're going to want a meal. Not just matzah ball soup.
Abba takes the Pirkei Avot of according to the pain is the reward, to mean effort. And the effort here is the outpouring of love. I can tell you, that takes effort. It's easier to send soup.

Abba thanks everybody and wishes everybody a wonderful Shabbbat.
And ensures all that he will keep the positive attitude. That of hope. Abba found strength in sharing that hope.
And more Hakarat HaTov to the Wilmot Cancer Center staff. Abba appreciated them more than anybody else. Appreciation added a good fifteen minutes to each appointment. Abba wanted to make sure they knew it.

And then he wishes the other people a Refuah Sheleymah, urging people to pray for their healing.
'They should have a refua sheleymah.' No matter your situation, you pray for others. I put it out there for others, so God will give me what I want.
As Abba would've said it, 'Prayer is not said in a vacuum.' We all affect one another. Abba is teaching the reason for prayer here. We're in this world together. And if there is ever a human being that felt the pain of others, it was Abba. Abba truly cared about other people, which is why he always made sure they were fed. College students, community members, Abba fed people. And now we're stuck getting soup. I'm having a hard time getting over the soup.
Appreciation is also cyclical. Abba gave to the community, and they gave back. It all comes back around to make for a better world. One with more hope. And we hoped for better food over the next weeks.
I have noticed that it's cyclical to a certain extent. There are a lot of selfish people out there. They should know that there is no appreciation for them. There is no appreciation for people who protest bone marrow donations.

When you have Hakarat HaTov, you have hope. When you get a card saying the shul got money in your name, you have nothing. No hope and no money.
If Abba felt up to it, he would've properly shown appreciation by making sure the community had decent food. A full meal. Not just soup.

It was a good Shabbat, with a lot of soup.

Stats: 8 hearts 20 comments
Comments are mostly about the transplant, the match, Nissim (miracles) and Abba back at shul. They want him to work. That's why they want him to get better. To Note: If people cared about matches for single people this much, there wouldn't be so many single Jews. They should have a registry, looking all over the globe, where they do shidduchs based on bone marrow.
They talk about his great Rabbinic leadership. They wish him a full recovery. Not a part of the recovery. If it's not a full recovery, it will be hard to do the job they want him to do for them. For him to properly do the prePesach Kashering of their kitchen, he needs a full recovery. He needs the energy.
They're still looking to him for inspiration. Abba's speech between mincha and maariv was beautiful, touching and inspirational. I remember. Nobody taped it. People didn't care about the speech afterwards. The inspiration was done. They wanted it taped. It turns out that members of the shul need inspiration or a recording. If there's a recording, they don't need to be inspired. It can be filed.
People remember their times in Rochester and Little Rock. If Abba didn't give his all to the people, nobody would care. They wouldn't need him to perform the weddings, or Kasher their kitchens.
Somebody gave a speech about other people caring, and that's why there's a match. If people donated bone marrow without caring, there wouldn't be a match. You need the caring. Another person gave a pep talk about keeping up the spirits. It's all beautiful. They never visited. They were very involved in the spirit of things.
At least somebody wrote a note about happiness. Not just health. Most people are out there praying for health and depression. They want you to be healthy and not happy. 'They're healthy… They're on their own now. Can't stand them...’ Most people aren't about the spirits.
Still a lot of thinking. People do a lot of thinking for people. I don't know if that means prayer. Maybe they're thinking about praying. Maybe it means they were thinking of getting a gift, but decided not to. Maybe they're thinking about how much they hate other people. All I know is that a lot of people are out there thinking, with high spirits, some happiness. 
'Wonderful news'? Better news would be no cancer. When things are real bad, anything is wonderful. Surgery is amazing. A joy. You get smacked and tell people, they're so happy. 'He felt it.'
One person calls the cancer an enemy. And likens Abba to being at war. At this point, he doesn't have a lot of energy. But the congregants expect that from their rabbi. Got to go to war all the time. I hope they're not thinking of sending Abba out to battle. Congregants can be extremely vindictive.
They all care.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for רב ישעיה בן יחזקאל זצ"ל and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

I heard somebody say, 'It's such a Rachmanis.' I wanted to smack them. 
I hate Rachmanis. That pity thing that people do, where they say 'it's such a pity.' I hate the unconcerned emotion of pity, where they help you by telling you that your life is over and you have no hope. For some reason, that doesn't inspire me.
Hate is a strong word. So is Rachmanis. So, I hate Rachmanis. And here goes the Rachmanis manifesto.

Nobody Wants To Hear They're A Rachmanis
Might as well say, 'You're so pathetic.' And then give the Rachmanis look, and head out to run your errands, and enjoy whatever your glorious day holds, without the loser.
Has anybody ever gotten a job and heard, 'Such a Rachmanis, they got the job'? No. You hear, 'Such a Rachmanis. I hope they find a decent job working the fields in Iowa.'
Has anybody ever got a good Shidduch and heard, 'Such a Rachmanis, I'm setting her up with a really well put together guy'? No. You hear 'Such a Rachmanis, I'll set her up with the unstable guy working as a comic. The one who's out of shape.'
'Such a Rachmanis. They look really good.' No. You hear, 'They look off. No hope.'

What You Want to Hear
You want to hear, 'Your arm got shot off. Way to go. Way to make it happen. You're the man. Thank you for your service.' It makes no difference how it happened. No arm, and you get respect for being a soldier. You want to hear, 'That broken nose. You're the only one that can make it look good. You've got all those hats. Those British royal style hats. You've got it.' You fall in the supermarket, you don't want people passing by and saying it's such a Rachmanis. You want people saying, 'Nice tumble. You've got it.' You may not. You might have broken a limb. You might need help. But it's empowering. Being helped up is always nice too. If it's a man trying to help you up, watch out. A lot of creepy men are out there. Most of the time he's not helping. That's a man hitting on you in a very vulnerable state.
You want to hear 'Be strong' 'You got it hard. Pull through. I'm here with you to help, if you need it.' The Rachmanis person doesn't even offer to help. Let alone, the respectful, 'I'm here if you need any help.' Rachmanis comes along with a, 'You need help. I hope somebody cares enough to help you. I'm out of here.' Rachmanis comes with an 'I got my stuff to do. I've got to be good to me... And my kids hate me.'
Respect. Power. Fight the power. You want to hear 1970s activist slogans. You want somebody to let you know that their on your side, against the tyranny. 

Such a Rachmanis
It's always, 'Such a Rachmanis.' That's how you say it. 'Such a Rachmanis.' It's not 'much Rachmanis.' It's not a blessing, 'And much Rachmanis to you.' Well thank you for blessing me with pity. It's not, 'It should be a Rachmanis.' It's not a curse: though, it would make you feel better to be able to look at them and tell them 'It's such a Rachmanis.'
Now that I think about it. It feels so good to say it. I want to look at somebody right now and tell them they're a Rachmanis. It would feel great to tell somebody they have no hope. I can really use a pickmeup. 

Add in 'It's  Such a Rachmanis' and You're a Tzadik
Just here to help. You want to look like a good Jew. Look at somebody and say 'It's a Rachmanis' and you're in. Don't help. Just say it's a Rachmanis. Say it's a Rachmanis and enjoy the rest of your Shabbis. Just look at them in their poor pathetic clothes, note that it's a Rachmanis, and you never want to look like that, and don't invite them for dinner. Don't bring yourself down to their pathetic level to eat with them. Be the Tzadik, the community's righteous person, and note their patheticness. The shul might even honor you for your ability to note the poor members of the congregation, in your righteousness. 
War in Ukraine. 'It's so hard on the Jews. Such a Rachmanis.' Note it. Share your opinion of Rachmanis. Watch a decent movie about some guy in Hollywood having a really hard time with a kid who has to overcome being the second best athlete at the school, say Ukraine is a Rachmanis, and you're a Tzadik.

Rachmanis Means You're Not a Person Anymore
You're not a person. You're a Rachmanis. An object. You're a charity with nothing to offer. You're not valuable, because they can't get anything from you anymore. Hence, you're just a Rachmanis. A Rachmanis object they can make money off of.
​
How it Makes Me Feel
Hearing 'a Rachmanis' just makes the Rachmanis feel real bad. I am baffled. I ask, 'What's the Rachmanis?' Am I supposed to feel bad? Should I feel worse? Is there something wrong with me for not being depressed?
'What a Rachmanis. It used to be a person. You see it? Right there. Look. Right in front of you... Yes. Them. That Rachmanis.' They're like doctors talking in front of you, about you. It really does bring a sense of power to be able to talk about somebody and how unimportant they are, how physically deficient they are next to your all powerful prowess.
Keep your Rachmanis to yourself and let me enjoy my life. My life fool of Rachmanis and enjoyment. and thanks to God.​

I Like Care
I like when people feel something and respond to it with an action. I take that back. At least a little back. I like care with privacy. I don't need to wake up with them in my home, breaking in so that they can make me a decent hot breakfast. 'He needs more wholesome food, and I will do it for him.' I understand you care and hot breakfasts are nice. But calm down a bit with your care. First introduce yourself.
I like the kind of care that lets me know they're on my side, rooting for me. I like fans. It would be nice if people were at my job, cheering me on. That would inspire me. If they had people in the stands chanting 'you've got it Dave,' I think that would help me as a Mashgiach. I would feel much more valued as a Kosher supervisor, if spectators were watching me spectate.
I like somebody who's there letting me know that they believe I can cook. I don't get that very often. I understand that my cooking abilities are limited to a crockpot. But I've made scrambled eggs in a microwave too. It just takes a little care.
I like care and support. Rachmanis is people standing there saying, 'I don't believe in you. I'm here to let you know you have no chance.' I don't need that. I have enough family and friends for that.

The Rachmanis Look
They give this look like there's something very wrong with you that you should know about. That look that tells you that you should feel worse about your life. That look that says you're wearing a Tshirt in the afternoon and you're an adult.
They don't do anything. They don't show up. They drop off nice fitting button downs. They just give the look, and sad sound. They stare at you, bring their lips in, clench the mouth and give a 'tzi.' They add in that little blank stare with a headnod. Then they shake their head and close their eyes real quick. They might throw in a 'such a shame.' And then they say, 'Such a Rachmanis.'
Even the stare puts them above you, the pathetic one. It gives them that power of belittlement. You might as well say I'm pathetic. They've really mastered the look of being above you. They must have experience as a boss.

The Cry Staredown
The cry stare is just awkward. If you don't cry right away, it can be a very long cry staredown. I've witnessed a twelve minute cry stare. Cry starers don't stop until they get you. Sometimes it leads to a laugh, but that is also awkward. It's awkward to see somebody laugh who just lost a loved one. Yet, it can help if somebody needs to get out good cry.
The cry stare can help. Even so, they're showing they are all powerful by making you cry. The power to make you cry. 'Just lost my job, my house, a loved one, and now you're exercising your power over me?! It's appreciated.'
Got some of those at Shiva too. For some reason, by Shiva, even the looking at me, as a study, and talking about me right there, was fine. The cry staredown was appreciated. I needed to get it out. They gave me that cry stare, I cried and they walked out. They did what they came to do. When they were walking out, I heard them say, 'I got him to cry. Such a Rachmanis.'
A hug is OK. ​Instead of the Rachmanis look and cry staredown (not everybody has the ability to cry stare), give a hug. Let them know you're pathetic together. Hugs are a joint effort. You're not expressing power on a hug, unless if you come from the top and squeeze real hard. Truth: I've had some people squeeze my hand real hard, when I thought it was supposed to be a welcoming handshake. 

Times I've Gotten It
When I moved to Israel. 'Such a Rachmanis. He couldn't make it in America.'
When I had back surgery. 'Such a Rachmanis. He had surgery.' I needed some Nintendo cartridges. You could've bought me some of those. I wouldn't have been a Rachmanis if I had games to play.
My parents got 'such a Rachmanis' a lot, for having to raise me. 'That one. The one that cheated on the March of Dimes fundraiser. Just read the last page and said he read the book. Such a Rachmanis.' I cheated for charity, and that is fine.
Being single. They look at me and they're thinking, 'How can he enjoy life? There is no way he feels accomplished. He's all alone. Such a Rachmanis... Let's go honey. We've got to go visit the kids. Thank God our children are not this pathetic. Let me look back at him and shake my head... Oh. What has become of our people. Such a Rachmanis. I'm about to tear... I got out one. I looked at him. That's enough. He knows he's pathetic. Oh. What has become of our people... A Shidduch? We don't have time for that. Let's focus on the vacation.' I turned into a lamentation. I even received an 'it will happen,' right before a Rachmanis. The 'it will happen,' with a Rachmanis look, had an even greater Rachmanis effect.
Hard times in hospital. 'Such a Rachmanis. They're in the hospital again... No. We shouldn't visit. I don't have the energy to write a card. It's a Rachmanis. I think we said it all... Food for them? They can purchase that. They have money. We'll just tell them they're a Rachmanis... Oh. That feels good. Such a Rachmanis. For some reason, it feels so good to say that.' 
Just being back in Rochester, I get it. 'He's back in Rochester. Such a Rachmanis.' I don't get it. Is Rochester that bad? Why are they living here? I don't understand. You're happy, and then they give you that look and you start to think, 'My life is really bad. It must be. I just got the Rachmanis look.'

Call Me Evil - I Don't Have Rachmanis
I've worked with many people with disabilities and I respected them all. I guess that's why I don't have Rachmanis. I see strength and courage and fight in people. 
I saw that inspirational speech with that guy with no legs and no arms. He was making phone calls with his nose. He was juggling. He had no arms and no legs and accomplished more than me. He was a writer. He had no Rachmanis for himself. He was a champ. After seeing him, I had Rachmanis for me. My parents paid for all that education, sent me to sports leagues, and this guy has done ten times more than me. He's up there playing soccer with no legs.

Conclusion
Next time you want to show Rachmanis, go over to the pathetic person and say 'Wah Wah Wah' and then walk away. Maybe go for the double fisted pointer fingers on the eyes rub, before leaving. Then walk away. That will relay the message you want give to the guy who's been working really hard, and feels accomplished.
You can also say 'you're a loser' 'you have no hope' 'you'll never make it.'
Nobody needs Rachmanis. They need respect. They need belief in them. Yes. Even if they're the loser of the community, who's still pulling in five figures. Yes. It's a Rachmanis, and they're a loser who can't afford Brooks Brothers. Yes. It's a Rachmanis that they still have to iron their shirts. But give them the respect for trying.
Want to Do Something Helpful? Do a Chesed. Don't voice a Rachmanis. Bring food to the family. Give them a gift card. Pay for a two week vacation for them to head down to Disney World. Nobody will complain about that, until they owe you for it, and you give them the 'you owe me' look.

When you visit somebody, treat them normal. That's what people want in nursing homes. They want to be normal. They want a sense of life. They want to be people who are valuable to your lives. They want respect. They want belief. They don't want to be a Rachmanis, just because you abandoned them and cast them into quarantine.
They want to hear they're valuable. They're important to the world. If you can't see that your family member is important to you. If you can't see that your elders in the nursing facilities have something to teach you, you don't understand Rachamim.

I'm happy I got that off my chest. Next time I see somebody showing pity for somebody who is trying to type with no hands, I'm going to smack them. I'll know, because I'm going to be in the stands, looking at the pathetic loser, cheering them on.

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

It's about time I shared their thoughts. And here are the resident's thoughts:

Is this my new home?

What happened to my money?
 
They stopped visiting three months ago.
When they dropped me off, they said they would be here all the time.
What does 'all the time' mean?
 
Do they think I'm senile?
They just said I have dementia. How do I let them know I'm not? Everything I say, they say I have dementia. If I don't know what I'm talking about, I can't say I'm fine.
Why do they say I complain a lot? When I say, I'm fine, they say I'm not.
I should at least be allowed to complain that I am not fine, when they say I'm not fine.
 
I have an itch.
 
Where is my money?
 
Don’t I have grandkids?
I don't have dementia. Damn it!!!! I don't have dementia!!!
I just thought I had them. I haven't seen them. So, I'm asking if I have them.
Now they think I'm crazy, because I yelled. 
Did somebody steal my identity? Is there a me walking around with dementia, enjoying life?
I know somebody stole my money.
 
Who is this woman saying she loves me?
Why is she not my daughter? I like her.
Who is this guy?
A lot of random people are touching me.
 
Where are my kids?

This is breakfast again.
If this is catered, it's got to get better.
The nursing home said they have a chef. Does he make anything other than meatloaf?
Salisbury steak is meatloaf.
​
They call this entertainment?
That is a guy singing songs from the 1950s. I am only sixty-five.
 
Is this a hospital? 
Why am I still in my hospital gown?
 
This music is bad. I wish I could tell them to change it. But I lost my voice five years ago.

Where the hell are my kids?
Did they abandon me again?
 
Do they not see how unhappy I am?
I have to stop smiling. Maybe I’ll get a field trip if I stop smiling.
 
Why are these kids dancing? Do they not teach math anymore at the Jewish day school?
I feel like they are rubbing it in. I am in a wheelchair right now.
Do they teach wheelchair dancing?
 
Why is this nurse pissed off? She can walk.
 
Is anybody showing up for the holidays?
The kids dancing is cute, but I know it's still not Purim.
 
I guess that’s another holiday by myself.
 
I know it’s my birthday, you pieces of ----.
Where is everybody?
They could’ve at least invited me.
I'm sorry. I meant to curse at my kids and my family. I just know that if I tell them how big of ---- faces they are, they won't visit again.
They don't visit.
 
I can’t drink Shasta anymore.

That's disgusting. Do I have to see everybody in hospital gowns here? Can they get them real clothes? I just saw another tush. 
 
Am I still at a forty-five degree angle?
These recliner beds are cool, but there's got to be a different angle.

How much Jevity is there?
It’s like Manah.
 
I have an itch.
 
I can hear you. I don't have dementia.

Is this a class? 
Did the doctor just bring in a class?
Am I a study?

Why is the PT coming now. 
Did she just pull my leg over my head?
This isn't the right thing to do right now. I am sleeping.
 
Hallmark on this TV too.
 
Why does that kid visit? Why has she not given up on her mom? Everybody else has.
Thelma and Fran don't have family.
They have family? Their families abandoned them too?! That's beautiful. I now feel like I'm part of something.
 
I still have crushed ice. I love crushed ice.
 
Why is this teenage aide saying I’m cute?
 
They’re going to kick this guy out. He’s been visiting too much. Never care too much. That gets you ousted.
 
My name is not Harvey. It’s Harry. Why they all call me Harvey?
If my daughter just had decent handwriting.
She learned how to dance. That, they taught her at school.
 
Why are all of these people staring at me?
Am I part of a class?
Am I on the syllabus?
 
Family is visiting. Something really bad must have happened.
More family is visiting. Am I in the hospital?
 
Why are people talking so close to me?
I can hear. You don't have to yell.

Did they just stick me in another room? I wasn't consulted about this.
 
Can we have one person washing me up? Why is there a different person every day? Too many hands are on me.
 
Are they listening to dance music? This new roommate is getting really annoying.
 
Are these people talking about me in third person again?
I am right here.
 
This is my community now. These nurses are my people. 
I should've told my kids to be nurses.
Why did we tell them all to be doctors and lawyers. 
Nurses visit. Tell your kids to go into nursing. 
I will not smile for them. They'll think the gown makes me happy.
Where is the doctor? Does this guy ever show up? Will he ever change these meds? Did he just sign off on this morphine stuff and run? That's not responsible. There must be side effects. I just pooped in my bed again.

Are these my clothes?
Then why are they on me?
 
This does feel like a hospital bed.
This is a hospital bed.
I love how I am sleeping in a recliner.

Conclusion
Let people know how you feel, before they think you have dementia. Curse them out when you're young.

​***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

Reb Shaya
Journal Entry by Rabbi Shaya Kilimnick — December 30, 2015

Once again I thank you all for participating in last night's match for bone marrow (drive. The outpouring of love was enormous) and I know it will lead to success. I think all those who have been involved and trust HASHEM'S  guiding hand will find us a donor who will be able to share continued life.

His Child's Commentary & Lessons He Learned from Abba 

Stats: 10 hearts. 14 comments. Hearts go down again. Possibly because they were at the bone marrow drive.
A lot of people thinking about Abba, Mommy and our family. They said 'we're thinking of you.' I hope they're not thinking how messed up I am. That would be messed up. They didn't define what they are thinking about us, so it has me thinking. I just hope they're thinking good stuff. Maybe they're thinking they should do a prayer. I'm not sure. I do know that they're thinking. Maybe it's a mathematical kind of thing where they have to think real hard. I don't know.
Many people have called. Some haven't. I am guessing that some haven't thought to call. I can tell you that my parents didn't get a call from them. Maybe they're thinking about calling. Maybe the concept of calling and how phones are amazing. That's probably what they're thinking of us.
Truth: everybody calling would be too much. It's tough to figure out whether it's better to get a call or a comment saying 'we're thinking of you.' Either way, there's a lot of love. However, if there's a call, there's a chance of conversation. At that point, people might stop thinking.

Not everybody could donate bone marrow, due to health, they offered other stuff. Peggy offered her hip, which was very kind of her. The bone marrow drive is about helping anybody that needs a bone marrow transplant. We shouldn't stop there. People need hips too.
People are still praying for a Refuah Sheleyma, a full recovery, as well as thinking about Abba. 
From the comments, I can see they're sending love and thinking about sending love too. The only thing that bothered me is they told Abba 'we hope you find a match.' He's in a loving marriage with my mom. Just the thought that people would suggest that.
They also wished Abba strength. He needed that to deal with all the messages. There were the comments, then he got emails and phone calls. Then there was the answering machine. That takes a lot of strength.

The people showing up to the event was a testament to the loving and caring community. They said it was for my dad, but none of them were a match for him. I just pray they didn't show because of how much they like flanken (had to put that in).
From the comments, I learned that old people can't be bone marrow donors. At least it seems they can't be a match. Maybe that's because most of them are married. (I'm milking these puns today. Got the match and the bone marrow. Can't stop this kind of brilliant comedy.)

You try to help somebody and you end up helping somebody else. That's what bone marrow drives are for. I remember many of times where I have tried to help my friends in a fight, and they ended up getting hurt worse, by the other guy. I don't know if that is the lesson. However, when you put the idea of help out into the world, other people benefit. 
You show up to the drive because you care about your friend. They take your blood and you hopefully get some ice cream. Then, they figure out if there's a match that can use your bone marrow. If there's a match, you show up for the procedure and you saved the life of somebody who is not your friend. Chances are that other person hates Jews. 
You have to show up for the procedure. If you don't, you're not a donor, just a match. Which is why I don't think they should call it a drive, but 'possible donor day.' Otherwise, people think they've done their job by getting checked, and the recipient of the match is duped.  

When you do selfless acts, they end up making there way somewhere else in the world. This is why I never tried to help too much. I didn't want the wrong people being helped. That was until I heard that it can also come back to help me.
By prayer, we learn in the Gemara that when you pray for others, you get answered first. Talmud Baba Kama 92a teaches, Raba said to Rabbah bar Mari: Where can we derive the lesson that our Rabbis taught us, that whoever prays for mercy on behalf of his friend, while he himself is in need of the same thing, he will be answered first? Rabbah bar Mari replied that we can derive that from the verse: (Iyov 42:10) “And god changed the fortune of Iyov (Job) when he prayed for his friends”. Raba replied to Rabbah bar Mari, You say it is from that verse, but I say it is from this verse: (Bereishit 20:17) “And Abraham prayed to God and God healed Avimelech, his wife and his maidservants and they bore children”, and immediately after that it says:  (Bereishit 21:1-2) “And god remembered Sarah as he had said…and Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age”. (translation from jewishnews.com)
So, we see that there is a reason to pray for other people. I figured I would quote the whole thing so that you can pull out what you want to learn from it.

People apparently showed up to the drive. That's a positive. Kind of like when they donate to the shul in your honor, and you don't see the money.
The love and care was put out there. I hope this bone marrow drive helped people love and care more, and to make it a better world for somebody out there that we'll never meet. Even if they're praying to not be a match for somebody. It's a pain and the procedure is a whole process, and you miss work. Even so, it's still beautiful. They're praying.

'I think all those who have been involved and trust HASHEM'S guiding hand will find us a donor who will be able to share continued life.' 'Sharing' was the word. That person who donated the bone marrow, he was part of Abba's life. He shared in whatever Abba did. All the Mitzvot.
Abba had Hakarat Hatov, recognition of the kindness done for him. If you ever sat with Abba and a doctor, you would know this. Many doctors thought about quitting after seeing Abba. As one doctor said, 'I can't do work that helps people this much. There is too much appreciation. I need more animosity in my life. All of my enmity can't just come from my family.'
Abba only had upmost respect and appreciation for anybody who ever tried to help him, no matter how bad of a job they did. Even the guy who trimmed the hedges at a messed up angle, Abba showed him great appreciation. Being with my dad at hotels, it was the same. Abba had respect for all professionals that were trying to do good. They shared in life, even if that guy is still messing up people's gardens. And that life continues, even now that Abba is in Olam HaNishamot. Appreciation lives. And the guy is still messing up people's gardens, empowered by Abba.

'I know it will lead to success.' When you believe in HASHEM you understand that it is all for good. When people intend to do positive, it will be for good. You have to say that when working with community. The members of the shul mess up so many events and decent Kiddishes. They intend to do a decent Kiddish, and then they bring out gefilte fish balls.
There is trust that HASHEM will find the donor. The prayers, the thoughts, the donor information is out there. That's a success. As my grandma's generation taught me, 'success is about money.' 
Abba's idea of success was life. As he always said, 'uBacharta baChaim,' choose life. He always chose life. He lived and chose life. And he had faith in life. He had faith that HASHEM would make it good. Every day was a chance to live. And we lived as religious Jews. We ate a lot.
Even when Abba was sick, he ate as much as he could. He enjoyed God's world and thanked God for it. That appreciation continues.
No matter how much Hakarat HaTov Abba had for people, he had much more for God. 'HASHEM'S guiding hand will find us a donor.' Abba always believed HASHEM makes the decisions. Not all the doctors liked hearing that. That part of Hakarat HaTov wasn't appreciated by the doctors of atheist lineage. They didn't like hearing that they were God's messenger.
As he would tell anybody else, 'Nobody knows God's calendar.' Not even the thousands of nonprofits that send us one every year. 
These nonprofits must think we really like calendars in the Kilimnick household. Abba is still getting calendars from them. Even in Olam Haba Abba has to worry about Zmanim and giving his yearly donations to every Jewish organization.
Abba's faith lives on. The Jewish organizations know that.

Hakarat HaTov,  and Emunah (faith), are the two messages here. They're the message of everything my father did. That and a sense of humor is Reb Shaya.

For an Aliyas Neshama for רב ישעיה בן יחזקאל זצ"ל and all the Tzadikim who made and continue to make this Olam a great life.

You know things are bad when. I like that. Start every sentence with that, and this will be an amazing comedic piece. It may take longer to read the article that way, but it will bring more laughs. 
You may not be aware that things are bad, and I am here to help make it clear. There are levels of bad, and some may not be aware of the higher levels of things not going well. Here is a list to help you remember things are bad.

The Family Comes Out to the Hospital
The more family that visits, the worse the situation is. Five people visiting you at the same time in the hospital means you're probably waking up from surgery. Community might visit. Eight family members means there was an accident. All siblings, children, parents and one grandchild means you're in some ICU. Fifteen family members in the room, you've got it bad. You start seeing your cousins showing up, it's bad. You've got to start questioning if you were resuscitated. The more family that comes the worse it is. Fifth cousin, Eitan, shows up, you're probably dead.

If You are in a Gown For More than a Day
It is just bad. It's worse than sweatpants. You know you're stuck in that room. You know you're not going out with your tuchis showing.

People Are Talking Close to You And Loud
If they're talking loud, there's a problem. And you now know that you may have lost everything but your hearing.
They talk loud because you look bad. It has nothing to do with your abilities. There are levels of sick loudness, and that comes along with distance. If they're right up at your bed, leaning into your face and yelling, you are extremely ill. You may not feel it, but you definitely look it. To them, you are very sick. They are yelling in conversation.
The sicker you are, the closer they talk to you, and the louder. If your family is staring right at you, at the distance of three inches, question if you’re still alive.

They Talk About You As If You Are Not There
Those same people are talking close to you, are now talking about you. They are speaking Lashon Hara about you, right in front of you. 'Michael has had a bad day.' 'Michael. Me. Is right here!!!' 'Michael fell and is now here.' 'Can people stop talking about me.' And if they don't hear you, that's worse.
If they can hear you, they definitely won't care what you say, as it's more fun to talk about how sick people are in front of them. It feels more like an act of Rachmanis (compassion) when you don't care what the sick person is saying.
If it's a big group talking about you. Even worse. Doctors rounding on you with students. Now, they're using you for a study. Questions about dissection is real bad. 

You Start Playing a lot of Bingo
If you're playing Bingo and you never smoked, you are in a nursing facility.

You Get A Comfortable Bed From Your Prescription
Your bed now doubles as a recliner. Actually not that bad. But you did hit a threshold of sick when your bed reclines and rises, and you didn't have to pay for it.

You're Drinking Shasta Cola
If you're drinking any cola that isn't Coke or Pepsi, there is a problem. You've been thrown into a nursing facility. Shasta is the national sign that you're in a nursing facility. Store brands also count for nursing facility realization.

Hallmark is Playing
If it's not the Golden Girls. At least that's a quality show.

Your Pills Have Days On Them
When you have to organize your pills in day form, and that is how you spend your Sundays.

​You Don't See Grandchildren
They know they're not getting any gifts from you once you're in the home, because Medicare doesn't cover chachkies from Five and Below. That's when they stop visiting. It's clear, all of your belongings are relegated to a drawer. There is no way grandma is substituting her last dress that she has for Nursing Home Barbie. Nursing Home Barbie's open back gown might scare the kids. (note for royalties: If Nursing Home Barbie goes out for public consumption, I get kickbacks).

You bend over and a fart comes out. Just bent and that was it. You didn't even realize it was coming.

You have to lick your fingers to turn pages.

You realize the pages are still not turning, so you build up a good chach and spit.

People say stuff like 'she's vibrant.' When they use words like vibrant and with it, you're older and look like you are about to die.

You decide to push a button to open the door. Pushing a door open is too much effort.

You throw your coat from a seated position. After finding a sofa or the closest thing, you throw the coat as close to the closet as possible. One thing that you will not do is get up and hang it.

Getting into your car is the activity. You finally make it into the car and you have to go back home already, and you're still at home. 

Just being in the hospital. If you don't know how you got there, that's bad. If you wake up in an MRI machine, and don't know how you got there.

Going out means you're going for a CT scan.

All of your shirts are open in the back.

You see other people's tushies all the time.

You're eight inches shorter than you were at eighteen. Note: I want to be 6’6” so I can be normal height at 85.

Playing BINGO is your exercise.

The grandkids say you have a smell. They say, 'Grandpa has a smell.' And you think you smell fine. You've gotten older and you can't even smell it.

Enjoy having it bad. The worse you have it, the more you can enjoy life. The less shopping you have to do. You're not grocery shopping with backless outfits. Tuchises scare people away from the vegetable section.
You know things are bad when people are shopping for you. Come to think of it, a good amount of the 'things are bad when' can be substituted with 'you're getting older when.' This way, you can focus on the positives of getting older and going from 5'10" to 4'3" while smelling bad.

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.

Last night I figured out some nursing home DIYs (do it yourself or fix its). The oxygen machine was making noise, as it always does. It's supposed to make noise and give you enough oxygen so that the noise bothers you.
The machine was loud and none of the aides or nurses could figure out what to do. Half of them pretended like they heard nothing and kept walking.
Noise minimization is not part of the medical profession education. When you take on the job as a member of the medical staff, you're trained in noise embracement. They place you at the runway of an airport for a week, to make sure you can handle the noise. As the lay professional I figured it out how to minimize the noise, as well as other DIYs to help the families in nursing facilities, and when Chas vShalom, a loved one ends up in the hospital.

Loud Oxygen Machine
You're a normal person, so the sound of a lawnmower in your room is bothersome. It would seem that old people have accepted loud gardening machines by their bed, as they are old and the nursing facility staff knows that nobody will care if they complain. Half of them can't even talk. Nobody will believe them, because they are old. If they were to tell their child that there is noise pollution in their room, their child would go off on how their dad hasn't heard them for the past thirty years, and how dad was never there for them. That's why most old people don't complain. They don't want their kids going off on how they raised them wrong.
And then their child would say it doesn't bother them, because the child can deal with it for five minutes, until they leave in their silent car, a hybrid. And that is how we end up with all nursing facilities machines being crazy loud.
The machine was bothering me, as I was there too long. I am in my mid-forties, so I'm allowed to be bothered. Me being bothered is still legitimate. 
DIY: Put a weight on the machine. I took a five pound dumbbell and put it on the machine. It stopped shaking like crazy. The staff was amazed. Brilliant! Less noise. Now it sounds like a vacuum in the room.
To get rid of all the noise, and get some exercise, I lifted the machine. The dumbbell was on it and I was in a bind. As I lifted the machine, I pulled the plug out of the wall and disconnected the tube. I would've kept holding the machine, but I had to head out after a couple of hours. The machine didn't make any noise when I was holding it. Not sure if it was my lifting it, or if it was my pulling out the plug. If you want to try your own DIY, you may just want to unplug the machine. See if that stops the noise. Do check with the medical staff though.

Loud Shoes
I have what are known as squeakers. Almost every pair of shoes I have are squeakers. They squeak. I walk everywhere with them and I hear no noise. I go into a nursing facility or hospital and I 'm the loudest thing there. Alarms are going off and people are staring at my shoes.
I end up waking up the residents when I pass their rooms. It gives my mom a warning that I am coming to her room, so see she can pretend like she is asleep; but you can't sleep when I am walking- which is why they make me leave at 9pm. I am not the greatest guest. All I know is that the shoes are loud on those floors.
Whatever disinfectant they use on them is loud. Everything is loud in these facilities, especially my shoes.
DIY: Load up the bottom of the shoes with soap. If that doesn't work, stick a Clorox pad to the sole. The hospital and nursing facilities have tons of Clorox pads.
DIY 2: Do not lift your feet. Slide the feet. Glide as much as possible. The lifting of the shoe is when the squeak starts. Crawling is even better. As some facilities don't clean very well, the maintenance staff will appreciate this.
Gliding doesn't always work. The last time I glided, my shoes got stuck. It's got to be the cleaning material.
DIY 3: Pretend like you don't even notice the noise. Squeakers bounce off the walls, and their sound can be thrown. The only issue is you coming in every day and squeaking. After a good week or two of squeakers, they'll know it's you.

Groaning
You will hear a lot of groaning. That is there to add to the feeling of loud. I have tried, but no matter what I do, the groaning won't stop. It comes from everywhere. I think it's a natural reaction to being in a nursing facility. Everybody turns into an old Jew.
DIY: Close the door, so that you can focus on the noise of the oxygen machine.

Press the Button For Emergency
​I was afraid to press the button at first, thinking I would blow something up. Then, I pressed it and nothing happened. Noise was going off. Nothing blew up, and nobody came down. They couldn't hear the call, as the runway noise cancellation training was good. 
The only not loud noise seems to be the emergency button.
DIY: Walk to the nursing station. They will be sitting there. If they're not there, they are in the break-room. The idea is to catch a staff member and tell them you pressed the button. Then they will come down in fifteen minutes. They will have to finish whatever game they are playing on the phone; usually, that's not more than fifteen minutes.
It took me a while to learn this. They have fifteen minutes till they have to be at the room. So, always remember to warn the staff fifteen minutes before the crisis takes place.
For groans without a beep, they have forty-five minutes to get there. I've timed it.

Machine Beeping for Three Hours
The IV runs out. What happens? It starts beeping a constant beep that starts to pound your head. This high frequency can be heard by dogs and you.
DIY: Unplug it. Pull the thing out of the wall. Do it in anger. You will know when to do this. You will be extremely frustrated, and your head will be pounding.

TV Walkie-Talkie
Can't hear the thing. It's too low. If it's louder, all you hear is tin. It's like tin rattling and a bad walkie-talkie you and your friends thought would be cool in third grade. Then you realized that there's a reason truckers don't use Fisher Price.
The only thing you want to hear is the only thing you can't. With the oxygen machine, the beeping, the other resident groaning, they've decided to ensure that at least the TV doesn't cause noise pollution. The TV and the emergency buttons don't bother anybody, other than the people trying to use them.
DIY: Computer. Place a computer in front of the resident or patient. This is a great DIY, until it gets stolen. That could be a good evening of enjoyable screen time.
Make sure to also bring your own computer and earbuds. You'll need to get entertained, and there is no reason that you should have to deal with the outside noise.

Conclusion
Anything regarding care, do it yourself.
I've got to get a heavier weight for the oxygen machine. Why those things don't come with a weight set is beyond me. My head is pounding and the high pitch is going off. The IV is finished and the nurse is waiting till they hit us on the rounds. I think my visit is over.

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.