Things Are Getting Bad When

by David Kilimnick

Thoughts From a Waiting Room #132

You know things are bad when. I like that. Start every sentence with that, and this will be an amazing comedic piece. It may take longer to read the article that way, but it will bring more laughs. 
You may not be aware that things are bad, and I am here to help make it clear. There are levels of bad, and some may not be aware of the higher levels of things not going well. Here is a list to help you remember things are bad.

The Family Comes Out to the Hospital
The more family that visits, the worse the situation is. Five people visiting you at the same time in the hospital means you're probably waking up from surgery. Community might visit. Eight family members means there was an accident. All siblings, children, parents and one grandchild means you're in some ICU. Fifteen family members in the room, you've got it bad. You start seeing your cousins showing up, it's bad. You've got to start questioning if you were resuscitated. The more family that comes the worse it is. Fifth cousin, Eitan, shows up, you're probably dead.

If You are in a Gown For More than a Day
It is just bad. It's worse than sweatpants. You know you're stuck in that room. You know you're not going out with your tuchis showing.

People Are Talking Close to You And Loud
If they're talking loud, there's a problem. And you now know that you may have lost everything but your hearing.
They talk loud because you look bad. It has nothing to do with your abilities. There are levels of sick loudness, and that comes along with distance. If they're right up at your bed, leaning into your face and yelling, you are extremely ill. You may not feel it, but you definitely look it. To them, you are very sick. They are yelling in conversation.
The sicker you are, the closer they talk to you, and the louder. If your family is staring right at you, at the distance of three inches, question if you’re still alive.

They Talk About You As If You Are Not There
Those same people are talking close to you, are now talking about you. They are speaking Lashon Hara about you, right in front of you. 'Michael has had a bad day.' 'Michael. Me. Is right here!!!' 'Michael fell and is now here.' 'Can people stop talking about me.' And if they don't hear you, that's worse.
If they can hear you, they definitely won't care what you say, as it's more fun to talk about how sick people are in front of them. It feels more like an act of Rachmanis (compassion) when you don't care what the sick person is saying.
If it's a big group talking about you. Even worse. Doctors rounding on you with students. Now, they're using you for a study. Questions about dissection is real bad. 

You Start Playing a lot of Bingo
If you're playing Bingo and you never smoked, you are in a nursing facility.

You Get A Comfortable Bed From Your Prescription
Your bed now doubles as a recliner. Actually not that bad. But you did hit a threshold of sick when your bed reclines and rises, and you didn't have to pay for it.

You're Drinking Shasta Cola
If you're drinking any cola that isn't Coke or Pepsi, there is a problem. You've been thrown into a nursing facility. Shasta is the national sign that you're in a nursing facility. Store brands also count for nursing facility realization.

Hallmark is Playing
If it's not the Golden Girls. At least that's a quality show.

Your Pills Have Days On Them
When you have to organize your pills in day form, and that is how you spend your Sundays.

​You Don't See Grandchildren
They know they're not getting any gifts from you once you're in the home, because Medicare doesn't cover chachkies from Five and Below. That's when they stop visiting. It's clear, all of your belongings are relegated to a drawer. There is no way grandma is substituting her last dress that she has for Nursing Home Barbie. Nursing Home Barbie's open back gown might scare the kids. (note for royalties: If Nursing Home Barbie goes out for public consumption, I get kickbacks).

You bend over and a fart comes out. Just bent and that was it. You didn't even realize it was coming.

You have to lick your fingers to turn pages.

You realize the pages are still not turning, so you build up a good chach and spit.

People say stuff like 'she's vibrant.' When they use words like vibrant and with it, you're older and look like you are about to die.

You decide to push a button to open the door. Pushing a door open is too much effort.

You throw your coat from a seated position. After finding a sofa or the closest thing, you throw the coat as close to the closet as possible. One thing that you will not do is get up and hang it.

Getting into your car is the activity. You finally make it into the car and you have to go back home already, and you're still at home. 

Just being in the hospital. If you don't know how you got there, that's bad. If you wake up in an MRI machine, and don't know how you got there.

Going out means you're going for a CT scan.

All of your shirts are open in the back.

You see other people's tushies all the time.

You're eight inches shorter than you were at eighteen. Note: I want to be 6’6” so I can be normal height at 85.

Playing BINGO is your exercise.

The grandkids say you have a smell. They say, 'Grandpa has a smell.' And you think you smell fine. You've gotten older and you can't even smell it.

Enjoy having it bad. The worse you have it, the more you can enjoy life. The less shopping you have to do. You're not grocery shopping with backless outfits. Tuchises scare people away from the vegetable section.
You know things are bad when people are shopping for you. Come to think of it, a good amount of the 'things are bad when' can be substituted with 'you're getting older when.' This way, you can focus on the positives of getting older and going from 5'10" to 4'3" while smelling bad.

***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.