More Thoughts From a Nursing Home Resident

by David Kilimnick

Thoughts From a Waiting Room #135 - In the Nursing Facility

Last time I shared thoughts from the resident, Golden Girls was off Hallmark. A nightmare for many residents. Since then, they’ve had many more thoughts. Here they are:
 
Is the PT back? 
She's rolling me again?!
 
They're playing Hallmark in the dining room.

How many times are they going to roll me?! I liked that position.
 
I have been coughing for half an hour. Is this a weekend?
It is. That makes sense. That's why I am not being changed. They're understaffed. I'll wait till Monday for the wipe.
 
Oh ----. Shower day.
Oh ----. 

I have an itch. This time, on the left side.
They just bathed me. Why am I still itching?
Will they ever get that hair off my back? The haircut was almost a month ago? 
Where is the aide?
You're a CNA. Sorry. I didn't know that. I thought aide was the correct term.
I also thought I could call the secretary a secretary. I didn't realize his job offended him. 

Why are they visiting now? Don't they know it's Bingo today?

Why are they screaming at me again?

I pray I never get another window visit. I thought people were breaking into my room. It was my kids. I raised a bunch of felons.
What happened that my kids couldn't come in? I was lonely. 
Are my kids still using COVID as an excuse to not visit. They're not even doing window visits now.

Shasta again.
 
Are those cards from last week? No.
Those cards are from two years ago. I know I had a birthday two years ago. 
I don't have dementia. I know today is not my birthday.
Where was everybody on my birthday? My birthday last year. I think they forgot. 
If I say they forgot, they're going to tell me about the cards. This is messed up.
 
Who took my car?
Where is my money?
Is it Medicare?
Did Medicare take it?
Did my kids take it? 

I have an itch.

Yes. I'm sleeping again.
I like to sleep. Doesn't mean you can't visit.
 
Is somebody else wiping me?
Can they at least get the left shoulder while they’re at it?!
 
I can’t stop coughing.
 
That machine really is loud.
Everything here is loud.
Even when people talk to me, they scream.
 
Who the ---- is this random person washing me up today? I don't know them.

My ear hairs are growing.
My ears are bigger. Did they have a growth spurt?
 
Finally Golden Girls is back on Hallmark.

Did I just cough phlegm?

Why is shower day not every day? I like to shower.
 
Will somebody tell her to shut up?
She's screaming again.
Shut the hell up.
This is hell.
​
Where the hell are my kids?
Did they stick me in here to get rid of me?
Those pieces of...
 
Am I in hell? No. It's Hallmark. 
Wait. This is hell. There is Bingo and nobody is smoking.
 
Really. Where the hell are my kids?
 
Will somebody clean my tush already? The poop is still here.

Is there still pooh in my bed?
It's been two hours with pooh. Somebody's got to come and change me.
I pressed the call button an hour ago.

Did they just move this random person into my room? They didn't consult me. 
Yes. That's why I'm mad. Are they a felon? Exactly. You don't know.
Do I get a say in any of this?

Stucco staring is what I have been doing the past four months.
Thank God the ceiling is stucco. Otherwise, I would be staring at a non-textured ceiling.

Why is my roommate the only one that doesn’t like watching Hallmark? Now, I’ve got to bring up my TV more.
 
Why do I have a roommate? I’ve been out of college for sixty-five years.

Initiation manual should have stucco staring.
I can use some crushed ice. Crushed ice is amazing.

There is no Bingo today? Oh shoot.

Did I just see that guy's tush?
This is going to be a long till I die.
​I hope the next world is better. It's got to be good there.

Can somebody please put on Hallmark.

Why did you move her out? I was beginning to like her.

Are they still praying for me or did they give up?

Who the hell is this aide? Why can't they just have the good one?
I need some help here!!!
I rung the emergency bell fifteen minutes ago. What do I ring when there's an emergency.

​This aide is really bad. I think they just gave me a rash.

Are they talking in third person about me again?
They are.
I’m not five years old.
Please talk to me. I’m a person.
Oh shoot. I am a teaching tool right now. There is a doctor class here.

Crushed ice is amazing. Why did we never get crushed ice in our house?

I really do have an itch. Can somebody please help? Left side.

Tell her to shut up. 
STOP YELLING!!!! I AM HURTING TOO!!!! IT'S THE WEEKEND!!! THEY'LL HELP YOU TOMORROW!!!!

Let’s go to the show with that guy playing guitar. I think it’s a different guy today, playing songs with his guitar. That’s today’s show. A different guy playing guitar and singing songs from the ‘60s. I know I’ll fall asleep at the show. That’s why I want to go.
I really want to go to the show. I like to sleep in different environments. I already slept at dinner last night. I want to sleep at the show today.

Really. Where is my money?
If the family took my money, the least they can do is visit.

I think I just pooped again.
Aide!!!!

I still have an itch.

Conclusion
They love Golden Girls. The day it was back on Hallmark, the favorite channel of the nursing home resident, heaven returned to the home. Watching Golden Girls and drinking Shasta Cola, knowing that there will be Bingo tomorrow. And then, crushed ice. Life is amazing.
 
***For a Refuah Sheleyma for חיה נחה בת ריבה לאה and all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.