Announcements
We understand people are mad about their Yom Kippur seats from last year. The board has very poor judgment of people. Never trust them with wedding seating at your child’s wedding, unless if you want the guests to be not happy. They’ll sit the bride’s family with the groom’s... We will have general seating this year. We still need you to pay for seats. We're giving music lessons. The shul band, Simchtallica Soft Rock, is real bad and we need a new drummer, guitarist and pianist. One that understands it's a soft rock band. Autumn is here, which means a nice breeze, leaves are falling, and people are depressed. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin People’s High Holidays, with The Board. Music Lessons for People With Hope: Not the Shul Band or Cheryl. How to Not Be Depressed this Autumn by Sitting Very Far Away From Bernie. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No excuses. You come to shul. You do Mitzvahs. You get in shape... (Devarim 30:11-14) ‘The commandment... It’s not in heaven to say, “Who will go up for us to heaven, to take it, and to hear it for us and do it?’ The Torah is not out of reach. And all you have are excuses. Shul is too long. I have too much work. I need me time. I can’t open a scroll... It’s in books. The Torah is in books now. Nobody is opening a scroll at Yeshiva... Stop blaming your wife for everything. Allen. She's a good woman. She's right here. Not in heaven... That's the problem. I get it... You have to be in shape to go all the way up to heaven. You would expect me to get up on a ladder for you to climb up to heaven... Because I have to do everything for you. 'Go rabbi. Get the Torah for us. We gave you a raise eight years ago.' ‘It is close to you this thing, in your hear mouth and in your heart to do it...’ Maybe not in Bernie’s heart... You’re eighty-six and you still haven’t done a Mitzvah. It’s not even on the other side of the sea. The Torah is right here. In the back of the shul with the fools who talk all of Davening. If that is Torah, I am going to give up. Something is wrong with that section... I'm happy the leave for the Kiddish club. Don't have to see them... The thing is the Torah. Mitzvahs. Not broom the weed-whacker you needed and forgot what it was called... You put in effort. The gym is right down the block. Lo BaShamaim Hi. It's not in heaven... Do stuff. Do Mitzvot. They’re here. Right in front of you... Not disturbing Davening. How about we start with that. How about we start with not disrupting the sermon. That's one of the 'things'... Mitch. You have no idea how to play the flute... Why do we even need a flute in a rock band?! A decent musician is not here. No decent entertainment is found in our shul. Possibly in heaven... They listen because you’re bad. They’re quiet... If you were good, they’d be dancing. They'd be cheering. They'd be singing along... They have no idea what song you're singing... It's off. People are asking, 'Who will go and explain to us what this band is doing?' You're supposed put in effort because the Torah is everywhere. You can achieve. The shul band is a different story. I don’t believe effort will help the Simchtallica Band. Why are you calling a soft rock band Simchtallica?... What was the point in Cheryl being in the band. It wasn't a harmonica. It was a kazoo... And she clapped. She was good at applauding. Soft rock??? Why do you need amps that big and leather pants for a soft rock band?! It's just that the shul puts in no effort and being here feels like the Torah is really far away... The board has to put effort into assigning seats for the High Holidays... Because people don’t know where their seats are. Their seats are in heaven... You put in bleachers last year... Why would people pay for seats if it's general seating? You’re paying for a seat that’s not even yours. You get up and Ben takes it... Laura is a musical chairs hog. She’ll come in and sit right under you. The Torah is in your homes. It’s with the change of seasons... Relax. Be happy. I understand autumn is here. You’re pale. Allen. You’re pale. Sun is bad for you. Stop complaining. You should be thanking Gd for autumn. You can finally go outside and not burn yourself. It will be a beautiful holiday season... So you have to wear a coat in the Sukkah. The Torah is in your Sukkah... Build it and it will be in your Sukkah. So lazy. Put in effort. The High Holidays are coming. Try a bit. And if the Torah was in heaven?... Rashi teaches that you would have to go up to heaven after it, to learn it. You won’t even wake up on time to come to shul... Are you going to go to heaven?! Rivka's Rundown That was the first time I've ever heard a rabbi support the Kiddish club. Our rabbi doesn't want to see the congregants in shul. Especially in the back left. I think the rabbi saying the Torah is found in his congregation caused an existential crisis for the rabbi. We haven’t seen him since Shabbat. We hope he’s not going to leave Yiddishkeit because of where Torah is found. The rabbi blames the poor health in our congregation on lack of going to the gym. I think the rabbi was saying that Torah is at the gym. Really bad musicians. It's like watching a fourth grade recital. People listen because they feel bad. They're trying to figure out if the band was playing a note. Before hearing the band, I thought everything was a note. I was wrong. Cheryl is a bad harmonica player. Some say it was a kazoo. It was a good kazoo. I would rather have the board set up the seats. Now I have to run away from Sharon and I have no excuse. I can't tell her, 'Your seat is over there. I have to go sit in my seat.' And she thinks the pew is for everybody. There is no such thing as a pew without more room. We once had thirteen people in the five person pew. This is why you don't have friends in shul. The board at least gave me an excuse to not sit next to her last year. The board worked for me. I was in cahoots. Assigned seats is key for running away from family too. I was able to throw my aunt on the other side of the women’s section. Now, I only go to weddings with assigned seats. And I make it a point to not sit with my family. I figure that if I don't sit with people I know, I won't end up having to ask for forgiveness for hating them on Yom Kippur. I heard autumn was here and I got sick. I think I came down with something from listening to everybody complain about how 'there is a breeze outside now' at Kiddish. The rabbi did not allow any shul band members to go to the music lessons. He said they have no hope. Tags:
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And they paid for those seats. That's what it looks like when you're sitting there for ten hours, realizing you could've just brought a chair for home. The whole of Davening, thinking about how it's not going to be a year of financial well-being. (Photo: sauderworship.com)
You've paid shul dues. Now, they want more for the High Holidays. What do you do? You bring your own chair.
Last time we discussed saving money by sitting in the plastic chair section. Since then, Keter prices have gone up. Now the plastic section is taking money. Rip off. If you have plastic chairs at home, there's no reason to pay for the ones at shul. This is why we're going to talk about chair concepts that you can bring to shul. Bring a Chair from Home Carry it. Any chair is worth it. No matter what the chair or damage caused by you dragging it to shul, you will be saving money. Dining room chairs are suggested. This way you can sit in shul in class. The other congregants will be looking at you creating your own seating area in the aisle, saying, 'That guy is doing well for himself. Business must be picking up.' Bring a Lawn Chair This is a decent way to save money. Again. Use the aisles. Aisles are never taken with seats. Perfect place to pop the chair open. If you're already in the ‘I did not pay my dues’ section, people know to expect very little from you. Why not enjoy the Days of Awe taking in sun from the stained-glass windows. You can also bring those pop-up chairs in the tube bag. Making it easier to carry the chair to shul. What to do with the bag after you pull the chair out. Ask one of the guys who paid for a seat if you can place the bag in his Siddur holder. Worst case scenario, someone will mistake it for a Tallis bag. Big Cushions I would suggest the sports chair cushion, but putting that on top of a pew does not make it your seat. Don't try it. They may send you a bill after Yom Kippur. The same rules of baseball apply to shul. You need to purchase the seat, then you can put down the comfort cushion. If it was Tisha BAv, I would suggest to bring the cushion, making the ground more comfortable, as one should enjoy the mourning experience. Sitting on the floor during the High Holidays looks like you're protesting Gd. Huge cushions do work. You can throw those down anywhere on a floor. A decent poof gives you comfort and height. And you can still take it home with you. Make Your Chair Mobile Don't overlook the fold up chair. You may have to move your chair for people to get by. Other members who pay for the High Holidays can be Nudniks when they're trying to get to their seats. No Midos. You would think that on Rosh Hashana they would work on their character traits and walk around you. Remember. You can always use the aisles. Just be ready to move your chair when they're walking around with the Torah. If you've got a walker, those things double as chairs. They ask, 'Ethel, why didn't you purchase a chair this year?' You let them know you've got one. Inflatable Chairs Intex inflatable couches are a great option, and they're light. Only thirty-five dollars, you'll be able to skip that prayer for a New Year of good Parnasa. You'll already be banking your financial well-being. You will want to show up early, to ensure you blow up your chair before the holiday. The noise the pump machine makes will disturb the Kol Nidrei prayer. Bring a Couch Services are long. Don’t overlook the importance of comfort. You might be poor. Even so, after comparing to the cost they're charging for the holiday seats you'll feel good about how much you spent on the couch for Rosh Hashana. Couches are heavy. If you carry that, people will probably stay away from you and not bother you about payment. They might even give you Hagba. The lifting of the Torah honor enforces respect. A pullout bed is a great perk. The rabbi will be giving a sermon. They Will Try to Get You Even if you bring your own seat, they will find a way to bill you. Bring a Machzor as well. You don't want to get charged for using the High Holiday prayer book. You never know how the shul board is going to react to use of shul property. I once showed to shul without a Machzor. I did the whole of Yom Kippur Davening by heart. Saved $360. Don't let them get you with Yizkor. They'll toy with your emotions and the next thing you know, you've flipped a tab for $1,800. It's important to remember family members who've went to Olam Haba on a budget. And don't shy away from bringing your own plastic chair. I understand the shul offers the plastic chair section. However, why pay for that when you have a stack at home. If your shul offered the option where you paid for the High Holiday chair and you were able to take it home with you, I'd call that a win-win. I would say splurge on that. A pew in the living room is a great way to ensure guests don't stay too long. Remember. If you bring a chair from home nobody will say anything. They will be too uncomfortable to say something. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ki Tavo9/22/2024
Announcements
It’s the last week before Selichot start. We suggest to get sleep now. We ask everybody calm down. We understand that Rosh Hashana and Sukkot will be three-day Yom Tovs. Many members have come to the rabbi to ask if converting to another religion for October is fine. The rabbi has decreed that converting to not have to cook for three days or hear a Chazin is not acceptable. The Jewish Family Service will be offering counseling for members who are worried about having to eat Kugel for three straight days. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Skip Work So You Can Get Sleep During the Two Weeks of Selichot. How To Cook for a Three Day Yom Tov and Still Love Your Family. How to Get Seats in the Back of the Shul, So You Can Show Up Late on the High Holidays. How to Not Bloat Like Shaindy Who Gets Very Heavy during the Holidays. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 26:16) ‘This day, H”, your Gd, is commanding you to do the decrees and ordinances, and you shall do them with all of your heart and all of your soul.’ Not like Simcha who can’t even shake a hand with a firm grip... You shake a hand, you have Kavanah. You’re saying ‘Good Shabbis.’ You shake the hand. You shake it with heart and soul. If you shook with Kavanah and Nishama, people would want to be religious... Yes. More soul in your Jewish handshakes. Maybe listen to some Motown before Shabbis, to get you in the mood. And your Shema has no heart and soul. You need heart and soul when saying Shema!!! 'This day'? I don't know which exact day... I don't think it was Golden Calf day. Maybe it was spies day... Rashi (citing Tanchuma) teaches that Moshe is telling them that ‘Each day, they should be to you as new. As if you were commanded them that day.’ It’s about now. It’s about doing Mitzvot now... You did a good job in Yeshiva. How bout you keep Shabbat now?!... I know you're proud of Sarah. I understand Sarah did really good in grade school, Kitah Bet, and she knows how to trace a Gimel. She’s thirty-five now... If you thought you were being commanded now, you'd have more heart... You are being commanded now. But you're not. But you are... You want to be great. Do the Mitzvot. Do them with heart and soul and some tunes that aren't Carlebach... (Devarim 26:18-19) ‘H’” said to you this day to be to Him an Am Segulah (a treasure), as He spoke to you, and to guard the Mitzvot...' I would not call this congregation a treasure... Cause you don't do Mitzvot and you're annoying... I don't know if H' said anything about telling bad jokes and standing close to me while I'm trying to enjoy a potato Kugel at Kiddish... You have to be to H’ an Am Segulah. A nation that shakes hands. A nation that has heart and soul, TODAY!!! I don't know what an Am Segulah is. I'm assuming it's not a membership that comes in sixth place in the inter-shul softball league, with an 0 and 8 record. I am assuming an Am Segulah shows up to Minyin... 'This day.' Today. Do something today. Stop thinking and maybe you'll be loved. That's why you're still single, Chaim... If you said Shema every day with heart and soul, you would maybe be a liked. You would be an Am Segulah. 'To guard the Mitzvot.' Try. I am saying to try. If you tried, we wouldn't be stuck with messed up Yom Kippur seats again. I saw the chart. It's off... You don't sit anybody next to Bernie. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie, with the chuching... You guys have no heart or soul. We will expect you here at 5:30am for Selichot... Allen. You don't show up for Minyin at 7am. Mitzvot need heart and soul... You need a lot of Neshama to make it through a three day holiday. You need belief in Gd... The 3 Day Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana has scared many of our congregants. People are already packing to go. Members are running away... People are very nervous. We understand. Cooking Tzimis for three days is not an easy task. What do you do without internet for three days???? We've lost six community members who have converted due to this year's three day Rosh Hashana and Sukkot... Everybody calm down. No need to panic. No need to protest. We, the shul, will keep everybody occupied with Davening. We will be sure to allow the Chazin to Daven for extra praying time to get us through the holiday... I understand. I also hate the Chazin. Maybe we should be focused on praying about life... And you have conviction that you are receiving the Torah anew on Rosh Hashana. You have conviction when cooking for the family... We’ve also heard of parents putting up their children for adoption, so they don’t have to cook for them for three days... Kids won’t want to be Jewish and serve Gd if you cook bad Kugels. If your chicken soup is off, if you leave out the matzah balls and you offer no croutons, we will lose Jewish children over the holiday... Put your heart and soul into it. You're a treasured nation who was chosen to make decent chicken soup with shmaltz... And start cooking today. Mitzvahs take preparation. Seize the day. That's how you become an Am Segulah... Seize it. Not cease. And you shake hands with meaning. Strong. Firm. Like you're just meeting Mervin. A Mitzvah shake. Shake hands right and be an Am Segulah. We need more heart and soul. We're going to close our eyes the rest of Davening... We should all be blessed with a life of never having to do another three day Yom Tov. Rivka's Rundown Everybody closed their eyes and nobody had any idea what they were saying. No words came out. Our congregants are Davening illiterates. They know nothing. One woman thought it was meditation time. She asked the rabbi if it was fine to light a candle on Shabbis. I believe the rabbi's message was that the Jewish people were chosen to be a treasured nation to make chicken soup with a decent amount of chicken fat and soup nuts. The rabbi’s shaking hand conviction point was well taken by the congregation. People were shaking hands for hours after services. They were hand cupping. They were standing in hand shake Mazel Tov lines. No Simcha, but there was a Mazel Tov row. The Mazel Tov row is where the family stands outside of services to shake everybody's hands at the end of a Simcha. The rabbi is truly pushing for better musicians in our shul. The shul band is real bad. To quote the rabbi, 'They have no heart and soul.' I felt bad for Chaim. The rabbi gave him nothing. Just a 'that's why you're still single.' No way out of it. Just something about 'today' and he is still single today. Instead of saying Selichot, I figured I would sleep deprive myself to feel closer to H’. People are truly worried about the three day holidays. One guy already had a Lokshen Kugel breakdown. At Kiddish, there was Lokshen. He started yelling, ‘No. No more Lokshen. No Rosh Hashana!!! Lokshen!!!’ Due to the rabbi's support of the Chazin leading a long Davening concept, four more families decided to convert for the month of October. They ran form shul. Skipped Kiddish. We haven't seen them since. In his class, the rabbi suggested to only use plastic. Do not think about the environment when you’re praying for a good and healthy year. When it’s three days, you can't worry about the environment. Especially when you have kids. Due to the three day holidays, mothers have started telling their kids how much they hate them. Very true. You only keep kids Jewish with good cooking good Choolent. This is why the Lefkowitz kids are off the Derech. They're not religious because their mom can’t cook a decent Lokshen. Shaindy does put on weight during the holidays. She bloats. I appreciate that somebody else noticed. I am sick of being the only one telling her. Great sermon. I still have no idea what heart and soul means. I think it means potato Kugel and Tzimis. And to not be like Bernie. Tags:
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(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws. A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah. Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage... Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs. Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta. After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement. Tags:
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The paper chain. That is how you make a Sukkah look good.
Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes. Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays. Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting. Sukkah Hanging Decorations Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart. Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah. Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings. Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations. Pesach Seder Art It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June. Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah. A Seder plate. Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it. Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out. Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it. Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art. Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah) A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius. People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons. You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction. Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain. Tisha BAv Art Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains. Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume. I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape. If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ki Teitzei9/15/2024
Announcements
We’ll be hosting Jewish art classes for members who can only write in script Hebrew. We'll teach membership how to look decent with their penmanship. The class on how to dress was a failure. School has begun. Please ask the teachers to teach your kids to Daven. Maybe Adon Olam. At least to be silent and not talk during Davening. Maybe ask the teachers to teach your children to not be annoying. To not be annoying and to learn Hebrew. מעצבנים. That's a word. Mitchel was smiling at the funeral. Though he's the son and it was very offsetting, nobody should worry. He's getting an inheritance. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Writing Hebrew Like a Jew and Not Like Sadie Who Has Very Poor Penmanship. How to Raise a Jewish Child That Knows Adon Olam by Not Sending Them to a Jewish Day School Not in Our Town. Making People Happy at Your Funeral by Giving Them Money. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... You keep the purity of marriage... I know that’s offensive. The Torah is offensive. There are marriage rules. And they are offensive... Just seeing you offends me, Bernie. It's like a really bad marriage. You need a safe home. A home with a loving husband. A home with a roof that has a fence. A shul without Bernie... Why you all are walking on roofs all the time is messed up. Good Jewish boys don't walk on roofs. They pay not Jewish boys to walk on roofs... We care if they are safe too. Though they did the Crusades, we still care about them. (Devarim 22:8) ‘When you build a new house you shall make a fence for your roof. And you shall not place blood in your house if a fallen person falls from it...’ You want blood in your house? It gets all over. It's hard to clean.... If you fall, I would at least think a scab... Why I have to tell you that safety is important. Your kids run around the halls like crazies. We need to build a new shul with cushions on the walls, for safety. And no plastic toys... The plastic ax had a blood on it. There's blood everywhere in this shul. One of the kids got injured in a game of paper football... Rebecca. It's a table game. The Rambam (Hilchot Rotzeach 11:1-5) says this applies to swimming pools and tall stairways... No. You cannot go up to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Every seen that stairwell? Three thousand feet and a sharp spiral, and a bunch of New Yorkers. Not safe... You also can't go to youth groups in our shul... The kids are crazy. Blood... Why vineyards and marriage laws are written here too? Rashi says because one Mitzvah leads to another. And one annoying congregant with an annoying congregant question leads to another annoying congregant with another annoying congregant question... Marriage to house to vineyard. It makes sense... If you don't have a house, were do you build the vineyard??? It's best to drink near the house. Precaution. Precaution and preparation for safety and Mitzvahs is what we're learning about. Mitzvahs and not splashing people at the pool... Prepare correctly so you don't look like a fool. Our congregation comes off as not educated... Because you're not. Learn how to write Hebrew like a normal person. What classy people write in Hebrew cursive?... English cursive is classy. Hebrew cursive is not classy. If you want to make it look nice, you do not write in Israeli cursive. That’s not how you send an invitation. You write in Biblical font... Nobody showed up to the wedding because the invitation font looked Shvach. They thought there would be really bad food. 'Cursive Hebrew. They're probably serving falafel balls.' Get a Sofer to write the invitation. That's a wedding with lamb chops and pigs in a blanket. At least dress nicely for the wedding. You look like Shlump right now... Prepare. There’s a Mitzvah to teach children. Your kids are in school. Do they teach them anything... I was at your Seder. The little one couldn’t even do the Mah Nishtana right. Pathetic... At least teach them to shut up. That would be nice. That would help the rest of us Daven... Prepare for a funeral and don’t just think about the money... Mitchel. I know you’re getting money out of it. But it looks bad to be happy at your dad’s funeral... There are better business transactions than your dad's death. And in marriage there are precautions. How you married Thelma is messed up. No precaution. If you would've thought about the dangers of being with Thelma for seventy years... Mazel Tov on your 70th Berns. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi didn't prepare the speech. No precaution. That's why it took so long. One person said it felt like death. I think the rabbi could’ve made the annoying congregant point much quicker. He could've just said, 'You need a fence around the roof, and the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are annoying. And they have no idea how to raise kids right. Even their Bar Mitzvahs have messed up invitations.' That would've been a brilliant sermon. I don't know if the rabbi cared or didn't care about not Jewish boys. The part of the Crusades left things a bit vague. The Psak, rabbinic decree, on not being allowed to go up to the Statue of Liberty, due to the stairs, was a strong statement by our rabbi. He then went on to say that hiking is forbidden. He is now refusing to let people go camping, claiming that Jews in the wilderness is dangerous. The font did look pathetic. You’ve got to write in Biblical Hebrew style text to make an invitation look nice. Biblical font is classy. Once you start with Hebrew cursive, you know it’s going to be falafel and chumus for dinner. And why is it that every Israeli event has falafel? Can’t do a classy pargiot event?! An event with dark chicken fillet?! They eat that in Israel. They really do dress bad. I think The Chatan was wearing a cardigan. The rabbi loves pigs in a blanket. To him, that's class. The kids in the shul are crazy and violent. I saw an Oreo at Kiddish. The kid scratched and clawed at it, just to get to the filling. The kids don’t even know the word decorum. Forget Hebrew. They definitely don’t know how to say decorum in Hebrew. One woman was crying at the funeral. It was a cousin. Not very close. She hadn’t seen Hymie in over forty years. She wasn’t getting an inheritance. I believe Berns was happy for his seventieth. The rabbi wasn't. The rabbi's just thinking about how many more years he'll have to deal with Berns and Thelma. Tags:
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:39/13/2024 
Laws of the Foundations of the Torah... All plagiarized from the Rambam
Law 3: There are three types of creations. Vegans are not one of them.
Three categories of creatures Gd created in His world. There are probably more, but they're not creatures. They're probably basilisks, minotaurs, centaurs and other taurs. Gd didn't create those. If it's in Dungeons and Dragons, that doesn't mean Gd created the creature. There might be a fourth Dungeons and Dragons category, but the Rambam was not privy in 12th century Cordoba. Though he was hip and sported the turban. First: Those that have matter and form like humans, animals, plants, metals. Bodies. We're talking about bodies here. Even unattractive creatures. Gd creates those too. They come into existence and cease. All of this physical matter stuff will end. Even if you freeze your body, the ice will melt at some point. Then you're gone. Transmutating into a metal doesn't work. I understand many people have thought about it. It won't work. You may get a couple hundred years out of that. That's about it. If you marry somebody not attractive, it won't last forever. I hope that brings you comfort and inspiration. Second: Those of matter and form that don't change. Like the spheres and stars. I have no idea what spheres are. Circles. I guess. Stuff made in art class with a compass, they don't change. Unless if you have a shaky hand. If you place that sharp pointer thing in the correct place and hold it down strong, it doesn't change. Those circles and stars don't change. The first category is different as it ceases and changes. Wrinkles. The Rambam is teaching us about wrinkles. Wrinkles and dry skin are the difference. The second category doesn't have to use lotion with aloe. Third: Those with no matter at all. They just have form. We're talking about angels. Shapes with no matter. But they do matter. They matter with no matter. Angels can get down on themselves. That's why you should always tell them they matter. Their forms differ. And they weigh nothing. One guy is a human and the other an octagon. We don't judge angels. They take up no space. Probably always thin. Never have to diet. They never talk about how fat they get over a Three Day Rosh Hashana. They never complain about getting bloated from Challah. They never have to wait in lines. They never get caught sneaking into movies. They probably just sneak onto buses and take seats. You see a guy sitting in the aisle seat with an empty spot by the window, it's probably one of these guys sitting there. Some of them might be minotaurs. Weightless minotaurs. I can't promise. I'm just conjecturing. Everything has form. And we're going to die. That's the point the Rambam is teaching us in this Halacha. We're going to die. I hope that helps you understand angels. Tags:
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Jewish Origami Art9/12/2024 
Now the Sukkah is decorated. We did it.
As the holidays are coming and Sukkot is around the corner, it's time let out your Jewish artistic soul. You must decorate the Sukkah, and that means Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to Japanese origami. Just that we use staples.
A subsection of Jewish art, nothing is more fun than the family sitting around with paper plates, cardboard and colored paper, doing Jewish origami projects with staples and scissors. The Paper Chain Sukkah Project Tons of fun. You take a piece of paper, cut it into strips, make each strip a circle and staple it. Stapling is the most important part of the Jewish origami project. Do not skip stapling. Then take the next strip, slip it through the first circle and staple it, thus making another circle. Don't staple before strip is slipped through the circle. This is not linking chains. This isn't Jewish magic. It's Jewish art. The art comes out in how your child staples the strips. Sometimes kids make the strips very thick. If the child successfully staples thick strips, you know they have a future as an artist in Tzfat. Paper plate Hamentashen A great way to spend five minutes with the kids. Take a paper plate. Fold the corners, thus making a triangle with a pocket. Similar to the Hamentash pastry, yet you don't fill up the inside with jam. How does it stay together? Staples. Something the Japanese still haven't figured out. At school, they're still ripping the corners of papers to hold them together. Stuff the Mishloach Manot candies and little bits of cake into the pocket. If you have an extra five minutes to spend with the kids, pull out some markers and let the kids draw on their hands. Any art with markers will end up on the child's hand. Plastic plate don't work. We've tried this in Israel, and the folded plastic plate just rips. Please note, the paper plate Hamentashen is not edible. Though it's a Hamentashen, it's not a pastry. Draw a Dreidel This is Chanukah origami. As long as it involves paper, it's Jewish origami. We suggest that for fine Jewish origami you use markers. Jewish Papercut Art A subsection of Jewish origami, where we also incorporate scissors. For papercuts you use paper, hence Jewish origami. In this form of Jewish origami you cut a design. Any design is Jewish if a Jew cuts it. The same way an animal is Kosher if a Jew Shechts it. You then write something in Hebrew on the remaining paper, again making it Jewish origami. For many years Jewish papercuts was banned in Eastern Europe due to the injuries. People would take Siddurs, flip the pages and cut themselves. The papercuts burned and many people ended up in hospitals due to Jewish papercuts. Years later they decided to cut into the paper and make designs. This became a big art form in Haifa, known as Haifa Jewish origami. Maybe one day the Japanese will figure out how to use staples and save some time. When purchasing Jewish origami you should know there are scammers out there. To this day, I don’t purchase Jewish papercuts, unless if there's blood on it. Then I know it’s truly a papercut. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shoftim9/8/2024
Announcements
We ask members stick to the tunes everybody knows. Nobody in our shul needs kids who just got back from Israel trying to make the membership better Jews with a tune they learned at Yeshiva. We also ask members to not bring back old tunes they liked. There’s a reason we stopped singing the Yankee Doddle Adon Olam. We ask members keep on their weight so we can still like you. Nobody likes Shloimi anymore. Since he lost weight, nobody even knows the guy. He’s a different person. The half everybody liked is gone. Now he’s talking about smoothies and kale. We apologize to any congregant that got stuck next to Shloimi at Kiddish the past month. It’s hard enjoying Kishka next to him. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Songs We Sing, Songs We Like- Unlike Baruch’s Tunes. How to Not Be Annoying After You Lost Weight. Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We need judges. This shul needs judges. People scoring how the Aliyah went, how the ark opening went... It was so slow today. The curtain took a minute to open. I’ve never seen somebody pull so slow... I understand the housing committee is worried about having to fix more damages. But pulling a string is not going to raise the cost of the leak in the roof. You give the Kohanim and Leviim stuff... Because you’re commanded, Bernie. (Devarim 18:2) They have no land. ‘H’ is his inheritance’... Money Bernie. You give them money. Food. Stuff. H' didn't give them land so they wouldn't waste all of their time comparing the size of their houses like... I’m not saying the rest of the Jews should spend their whole lives in Yeshiva. I have no idea how this got translated as that... Yes they should learn. They should learn to give a little... Good stuff. You guys give the shul your books you want to throw out. This is why H’ tells you exactly what to give the Kohens and Levis. Because you guys would give the worst stuff. Like your set of The Hardy Boys... (Devarim 18:3-4) You give the ‘forelegs, the jaw and the maw...' You give the good stuff. Everybody loves the maw. The tongue and stomach stuff is amazing... If you cook it right. Not like Sarah and the rest of the sisterhood who messes up Stella D'oros. You give ‘the first of your grain, your wine, your oil, your sheep shearing...’ H’ tells you what to give. You would give the second fruits. Maybe the fourth fruits. You’d give the second shearing... I don’t know what the second shearing is. But you would give it. Anything to save money. You gave the suggested donation for the dinner... There was an option to give $1,800 and $3,600. You gave $18... If we judged your Davening, it would’ve been judged annoying... Teaching a tune??? Baruch. You're leading Davening, not pushing tunes nobody knows. It's a sing along where nobody knows the tune. Kind of like Shacharit on a regular Shabbat... You all mess up the songs. H' doesn't tell you to sing. He tells you to pray... This is why you do what H' tells you. He doesn't tell you to drop off books at shul nobody likes. He doesn't tell you to sing songs nobody likes. Baruch. Your tune sounded like a bunch of moaning... That's what happens when our congregants get involved. Phil. Using old tunes is like pushing a new tune. Nobody knows them. They’re old. Just do the tunes they already know. They can’t even sing those right. And nobody likes the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam... That was eighty years ago, before they had guitars. H' wants religious Jews to eat well. This is why He gave the first maws... Shloimi. Nobody likes you anymore. You took off weight and nobody likes you now. I don’t know why every member over fifty has to talk about how much weight they lost. And you’re still out of shape... You lose weight and you're out of shape. And then we have to hear you talk about it. I can’t have a conversation with you anymore. I like talking to the whole you. Not the annoying half... All you have now is the judgmental half. The half Gd doesn't approve of. They will take away your membership if you lose more weight... Because you talk about it and nobody can stand it. Talk about Torah. Talk about giving something to the Levites. Maybe judge some of the other annoying members. And your house is not that big... Rivka's Rundown We’ve had that water leak in the ceiling for years. Bracha loves it. She feels like she’s praying outside. She likes the meditative connection the leak allows her. Biggest thing in shul now is to have a bigger house. It seems to be a way to show you're a better Jew. If you cover the whole lot with your house, and get rid of the grass, you're a better Jew. We're a very judgmental shul. The rabbi didn't have to suggest more judment. The congregants started holding up numbers after Aliyahs. They graded based on speed to get up there. How long Mishebeyrachs were. And if the guy had to look at the Aliyah Hebrew cheat-sheet. Yankel Moishe never got an Aliyah again. After his forty-eight person Mishebeiyrach, the Gabai chose to forget his name. Our membership gives the worst donations to our shul. For a picture for the hallway, they gave a fingerprinting. And they can’t cook right. They would mess up maw. Due to our members donating and dedicating Kiddishes, I've never had a decent maw. The rabbi needs to put out a divine list of acceptable donations. I suggested that to the board. They said they already put together the Yizkur appeal card. Who's giving more than the suggested donation? What idiots are thinking, 'I can enjoy the dinner for $18, but I do have a choice to pay $1,800.' I've never paid $1,800 for a dinner and felt that was more meaningful. I felt I had to work more the next week. The only thing Gd wanted out of that donation I gave was more prayer I will get that money back. I can’t believe they brought back the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam. I walked out. Baruch got back from Yeshiva and started doing these new tunes for Kabbalat Shabbat, thinking everybody will become more religious because of his LCha Dodi. All he got was nobody singing along. I don't know. They might have been singing along. All I heard was moaning. Why is it when they lose weight that’s all they can talk about? And then they give advice. They’ve been fat their whole lives and now they’re a diet guru. Always kale. Always talking about kale. Asking people to keep on weight wasn’t a problem. The rabbi asked and the people went back to their regular diet. The cost of Kiddish sponsorship went up. Tags:
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You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts. Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah. (Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you. H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale. Tags:
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That's what it looks like when the Chazin takes a long time. A lot of not happy looks and prayers to Gd that it will finish. Either that, or it's Kavanah. (Photo: Maurycy Gottlieb - From Jewish Art, edited by Grace Cohen Grossman)
People want to get out of shul. That's why they go to shul. To get out. The only thing in their way is you, the Chazin.
As the Chazin, you're the leader. You dictate the pace of the services. This is why you're to blame. When you think people want to hear you, you're to blame. When you think the congregants enjoy your singing, you're to blame. When you think you've got a new exciting tune, you're to blame. Be you the Chazin or the Baal Tefillah (guy who's leading services), they ask you to lead because they don't want to be hated. And you will be hated if you slow down at any point. Lead fast and skip stuff, and they'll love you. Here are some Tefillahs you should skip, or at least jump to the end of. Tachnun on Mondays and Thursdays Too many paragraphs in this prayer. If you say a sentence from each paragraph, you'll finish at the same time as everyone else. If anybody asks how you did Tachnun so fast, tell them you're Chabad. They have a quicker version, and you sound more religious saying you're Chabad. If you truly want people to love you, propose taking out half of the paragraphs. Do that and you'll see a hike in shul attendance on Mondays and Thursdays. Do that and skip the paragraphs that are left in the Tefillah, and they'll love you even more. They might even offer you some schnapps. How the other people blaming you for praying too fast finished before you is another shul anomaly I can't explain, along with why Max is still telling the same jokes. VYiten Lcha and Anything Said Saturday Night Keeping Jews in shul after Shabbis will have them hating you. Rightfully so. I would also not like you and throw in a word about Gehenim. It's evil to keep shul people after Shabbis. They've been waiting for Shabbis to end so they can finally do stuff. The one thing a Jew loves about Shabbis is when it's over. Some even dance at Havdalah. Some Sefardim look at the Havdalah wine and laugh in joy that the day is finally over. To quote Ahad Ha'am, 'More than the Jews love Shabbat. They love when it's over.' I believe that's the quote. The one prayer to add, which people will appreciate, is a Tefillah that Shabbis is over and they can get out of shul. LSayaim Shabbis vHaDrasha Shel HaRav Kvar vSheHaTelevizia Nidlak. That was a transliteration for the prayer 'I want Shabbat to end already so I can get out of here and not have to listen to the rabbi's sermon anymore.' Or you can just say Havdalah. It's the same prayer. And don't sing Havdalah. They'll hate you for that. This is why many Frum Jews are not fans of Debbie Friedman. See Debbie Friedman's Havdalah when you don't have anything to do for an hour and a half after Shabbat. Brich Shmei This prayer before Torah reading. Don't be the only one to say the whole thing. Nobody understands it. Nor do they understand any of VYiten LCha or Tachnun. Jump to Bei Ana Rachitz, the singing part, where the star for the Chazin to start talking is. Nobody understands that either. But it's a song. The shul membership feels like they're connecting to H' when they sing off tune. Post Ein Kelokaynu after Shabbat Musaf Nobody says those prayers. They skip them. A vindictive member of the community came up with that around thirteen hundred years ago. Everybody thought it was time for Kiddish and he said, 'Nope. There's another prayer. A very long one.' They found extra papers taped into their Siddurs. That's the history I heard. Years later, to make it more painful, they decided to bring up a kid to lead it. Yikum Purkan Just skip it. Any Part of Psukei Dzimra Skip it. The Chazin should just go from paragraph to paragraph. Read the stuff at the end. Where you see the star, read that. Baruch H' LOlam Who says this one? Ashkenazim. They like to make things longer. They feel closer to Gd when they feel more pain. This Tefillah was added to Maariv because people wanted to finish the Maariv service faster. They were scared they'd be stuck in the wilderness for longer in the middle of the night, so they said this prayer instead of the Amidah, to get out of there faster (Rosh Misechet Brachot 1:5). It was the perfect prayer. Finally, one person understood what the community wanted. And now, it adds another who knows how long to Maariv. That's not what the rabbis had in mind. Pain was not the idea of the prayer. Again, if you want people to like you, use the Psukei Dzimra star method. Other Tefillahs to Skip Anything somebody says before Kiddish on Friday night. Skip it. People like to eat almost as much as they like to get out of shul. Any extra psalms. Tehillim. Skip them. Just say, 'We care and we're praying for everybody.' The crowd at shul will applaud you. All of Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana Davening. If you skip all of those Tefillahs, everybody will love you. If you skip everything, they'll love you even more. Go straight for 'VNemer vHaya...' and they'll think they showed up at the end of the 9am service, at 9:01am, and they will hug you. They won't shake your hand. They'll hug you. Nobody cares if you have a bad voice. They want out. There is no Davening more enjoyable than a guy with a bad voice finishing the services quick. And never say anything slow. Somebody will hurt you. If anybody shakes your hand real hard after services, it's because you didn't read the stuff fast enough. Epilogue as heard from Yaakov Fauci This is says it all: A Chasid asked the Gerrer Rebbe, 'Since we skip so many parts in the standard Machzor (High Holidays Siddur) wouldn’t it be better to print a Machzor with only the things we say?' To which the rebbe replied, 'And take away the simcha that a Yid gets when he skips a page of Davening.' Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Re'eh9/1/2024
Announcements
The Shul BBQ at the AAA Topeka Tigers game was a good time had by all. The rabbi wants you all to know he had such a great time. He felt like a nonJew. Summer is almost over. The kids are coming home. We are going to soundproof and stainproof the shul. Anybody willing to help, please call the office and let them know you will not be bringing your kids to shul. Show to work week with the rabbi was not a success this year. The rabbi wants to apologize for getting his members fired. He didn't mean to share how annoying you are with your bosses. We understand if you are not fully able to cover dues this year due to lack of employment caused by your rabbi Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Enjoy Jewish Living as a NonJew. How to Keep Your Children Out of Shul and the Rabbi Happy. How to Not Get Fired by Showing to Shul On Time. Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 11:26) H’ puts a ‘Brachas and Klalah’ in front of us. A blessing and curse... You follow the Bracha. You idiot. The only congregation that thinks the curse is the right way to go... H’ also tells us to be happy (Devarim 12:12). I haven’t seen a person here smile in years. Be happy and do Mitzvahs... I don’t know how you can do Mitzvahs and be happy with the makeup of this congregation. Somewhere must be doing this happy smiling thing... Translation of a Klalah. Being with this unhappy congregation is a Klalah. So many Mitzvot in this Parsha... Yes. Moshe repeats them, because you people never listen the first time. This is why I have to give very long sermons. Repeating myself... (Devarim 13:1) ‘Don’t diminish or add to the Mitzvahs...’ I don’t think we have to worry about adding to the Mitzvahs in our congregation. We definitely don't have to worry about people smiling more than the Halachically allotted amount of happy... Adding to curses. Yes... You have to be happy and smile so that you won't search out these weird ways you all... Meditation is crazy. Meditation leads to idol worship with your added ways of connecting... You all sitting silently so I can think is allowed. (Devarim 12:30) ‘Be aware... after they’re destroyed from before you. Lest you search their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? And I will do the same.’ The nations are destroyed and you want to follow them?! It takes a fool like our membership to follow in something that just got destroyed. Only you guys think losing is a good idea. 'Let's follow the ones who got destroyed.' You still think we should have a softball team next year... We got killed. Every game, they destroyed us. Losing 12 to 3 is not good. And that was our best game... ‘Be aware’ you need a warning, because you do stupid stuff... It should be 'Be aware. Dog on premises. Don't follow the idol worshippers.' Anything stupid, you guys try it. Pickleball. Evey one of you has to give it a go. Never tennis. Pickleball. Curse comes from serving false gods. Trying to find happiness elsewhere... Finally, a decent event at this shul. The yearly baseball game with a BBQ at the ballpark was amazing. I felt like a Goy. That’s my goal... Bernie. You think like a Goy. You have a Goyisha Cupp. It was a good game because we weren't watching the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Savages play softball. You have never hit a homerun. Never hit more than a single... How do you call yourselves 'Savages' and lose by nine? It just makes it more pathetic. And you even have a cheer. You did that New Zealand rugby dance and screamed 'Savages,' and struck out. The whole side struck out the first inning. In a softball game!!! Watching the Savages get destroyed. I found myself rooting for the nonJews... Because they destroyed you... No. You don’t dress like a nonJew. Dressing like a Goy is Asur. Serving that way of life. That gets you destroyed... Enjoying a baseball game like a Goy is Gazunta. That's permissible... You even cursed at the baseball game. Shame on you. Your children are crazy. They’re crazy people. Maniacs. Not a blessing. Best way to help with the future of our community is to not bring your kids to shul ever. That will ensure the perpetuation of our people. Best is if your kids never come to shul... Ever. If they're out of your house, you can't control them anymore. That's not on you... It would be better they didn't come then too. You guys are annoying. A curse... Because you cause others to not be happy. First, you shift all the time. That’s why I don’t sit next to any of you. I sit all the way up here, on the Bima stage, because you’re seat shifters. You guys are always moving around, trying to get more space... If you came at me with those armrest elbows, fighting my elbows off the rest, I'd whack you... Don't blame your rabbi for your problems at work. You show up late to Minyin. Your bosses should know that... Next time, just bring your kids to work. Those annoying things will get you fired. Just let your boss see how you don't watch over your children when they're running around the boss's office... Why is there a kid up on the Bima again?! Is there a parent here? Parents? Anybody watching over their kids???!!! You lost your job. I get why you can’t pay dues. We also understand that not working ever, because you are learning Torah is not a good way to bring in the bucks. That's my fault... Shlomo. You don’t learn. Wanting to learn is not a reason to not get a job. Happiness is the blessing. And you have to find that blessing through Mitzvahs and being happy. Not cursing people... A big Mazel to our Chatan and Kallah. Your uncle is a loser. A total loser... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said nothing positive. Just told him how messed up his uncle is. It was a curse for his Ufruf. People in our shul love to curse. They feel it’s cathartic. Not one person has ever given somebody a Bracha. Just a curse. The Chasan's dad came up to the Bima and said, ‘Don’t be like your uncle. A bum...’ And then the father of the groom smiled and walked off the Bima. Gleaming with pride. The chance he was given to curse out a family member brought him much Nachis. The most used curse by our congregants is, 'You're a good for nothing.' They say it's a curse. I find it to be an honest accounting of most of our membership. One lady always says, 'You should and live and be well.' That's a hurtful curse. Anything positive out of Ethel's mouth means she hates you and never wants to see you again. I would say one out of every three sermons gets disturbed by a random parentless toddler on the Bima. The shul softball team calls themselves the Savages and they've never hit more than a single. Watching our members play softball is almost as pathetic as watching them get an Aliyah, looking down at the Barchu text. They love the professional sports outings. The goal of our congregation is to be as nonJewish as possible. This is why they started serving pigs in a blanket at Kiddish. Facts be told, I can live as a nonJew if it consists of pigs in a blanket. There is nothing kinder than telling a local community member that their child looks not Jewish. At a Bris, you should say, ‘Look at him. So good looking. Looks like a Shaygitz.’ Never set anybody in our community up with a Jew. They won’t go out. Only time they’ll consider a blind-date is if you tell the guy, ‘She looks gorgeous. She looks like a Shigtza.’ The rabbi forbade meditation. Though he did make it clear that he would like peace and quiet. I don't believe anybody likes hearing their kid is not a blessing. Congregants approached the rabbi at Kiddish about calling their children 'not blessings.' The rabbi pacified them, reminding them that he didn't call them a curse. Then the rabbi pointed to the children's table with smushed cake toppings all over their faces and shirts. The rabbi is trying to keep people out of shul. That's his real goal. Kids is a good way to start. The kids truly scare people. They tried childproofing the shul, but kids still came. They even put a safety gate around the women’s section to keep kids out. That led to a lot more crying outside of the sanctuary. The rabbi suggested that next time it's just going to be 'bring your kids to work day.' He doesn't want to be blamed for the congregants getting fired because they talk during his sermon again. The rabbi did take back saying that Jack talks during Davening to his boss. Though, Jack's boss said he hates him too. The rabbi giving the How to Not Get Fired class, when he got them fired, was a bit much. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXVII8/31/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews joining together in song, while enjoying the food at the rebbe's gravesite, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people in Israel trying to make a living.
The Tisha BAv 'Kol HaOlam Koolo' song circle of love at the Kotel, killing my Davening. I can’t focus on prayers with that unity... Achdut truly ruins Kavanah.
I went to the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s Kever (gravesite) for the spread. My Kvitel was answered. Great breakfast. They had bagels and schmear. Rugulach. Great value.
How I knew a Simcha was about to happen. There was tons of dessert and it was all way too small for me to enjoy myself… They were individually wrapped, which made it hard for me to eat it all. I had to take each tiny cupcake holder separately. I had reservations taking the toothpicks out of the personally wrapped pastry, with people’s names on it. I hope Ruchel understands why she didn’t get her oat ball.
'End of the world sale' and people still won't part with their money. Tourists are still haggling... These guys at the shuk have it hard. I remember when the guy had a 'going out of business' sale for six years... Six years of having to go out of business. And the whole time he was still bringing in new product. Not easy to be going out of business that long. And then to have to stay in business after that. (Photo Credit: my sister-in-law, Esti)
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Last week we discussed from Moshe to Rambam. We discussed the fights between men and women. Over that time, Rabbi Akiva went away for twenty years to learn Torah, to only come back home and hear his wife. At which point he went away for another twenty years to learn. He heard that nag and ran. Didn't even say 'Hi.'
Since then, over the past thousand years, Halacha has developed with rabbis who have acronyms. The first rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ran, Rosh, Tur. Nothing is more important than an acronym. Preferably it should start with an 'r.' Rabbeinu Yonah was an anomaly. How he made it without an acronym is studied by historians to this day. Yet, his first name 'Rabbeinu' begins with an 'r.' Most historians have not noted that. These first rabbis with acronyms were known as commentators. That lasted for a few hundred years till people got sick of the commenting. A lot of commenting. You would be at a Shabbat dinner, they would bring out the Kugel, and a rabbi would say, 'I like that Kugel.' Another rabbi would say, 'It's dry.' Another rabbi would say, 'Why the noodles?' Then they would go into a whole discussion about what Kugel means. That lasted for years, until somebody said, 'Lokshen.' And the argument was over. No more commenting on Kugel, until people started throwing in garlic. Then Rabbi Yosef Cairo, came along at around the year 1500 CE, and said, 'I will bring all the arguments together, like the Tur did, and come up with a final conclusion.' He came up with the final conclusion in the Shulchan Aruch, saying, 'I will stop all the arguments,' and people argued about that. They had acronyms too. The Taz was a cool rabbi, as he had the coolest acronym. The Rama, a contemporary of Rabbi Cairo and a bit younger, argued on behalf of Ashkenazi Jews. But Rabbi Cairo lived in Tzfat and had a cooler headdress, so they liked him more. Trying to reconcile the arguments is the foundation of modern-day Halacha. And reconciliation leads to a lot of fights. So, Ashkenazim started arguing with Ashkenazim. Chasidim and Misnagdim started fighting. The fight started when one rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then another rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then a student said, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' And students went back and forth, saying, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' Some even said, 'My rebbe is better than yours.' That lasted almost as long as the fights with the wives. A good two hundred years of arguing and fighting. Then somebody noted, 'We're all Jewish. We've all let down our parents.' That's when Jews started singing and playing guitar. The Misnagdim noticed that Chasidim had some decent songs, so they called them Jewish again. Arguments continued, but with less yelling. We had Chasidim and Misnagdim, and so came the Halacha known now as 'a rabbi will support you.' Which many people use to this day when making decisions as to whether or not they can eat Kitniot on Pesach (Kitniot are legumes- I hope that helps). Now Chasidim argue with Chasidim and nobody trusts anybody else. Which is why we have what is known as Hashgacha (kosher supervision). Another couple hundred or so years went by and rabbis started asking questions about this new thing called electricity. Being the traditional souls they were, they argued over electric current by candlelight. A lot of yelling took place with these arguments, due to somebody not filling up enough oil in the lamp. One rabbi, known as the Chafetz Chayim, came along and talked a lot about not talking Lashon Hara about people. He killed every decent conversation. He was one of those 'let's not hate each other' rabbis, which killed his street cred at the time, so nobody called him rabbi. Just Chafetz Chayim. Then came the worst thing known to Jewish leaders since exile, the crockpot. The anger was palpable. 'You're cooking on Shabbis.' 'But I'm not.' 'But you are.' 'What's considered cooking on Shabbis?' 'I don't know.' 'Then why are you yelling at me?' 'Because I'm religious.' 'Shabbis doesn't start for another half hour.' Rabbi Shlomo Zalmen Auerbach ZT"L decided, 'We need a Sefer about Shabbis.' He called it Shmirat Shabbat KeHilchata. Now people yell about people not following Shemirat Shabbat KeHilchata right. Some rabbi at an NCSY youth convention decided to spread the idea that it's really important to not touch the opposite sex. This law, known as Shomer Negiah, kept the people single. Which led to Halachik discourse as to whether or not women need men. More acronyms developed. Now, in order to be a rabbi you need the acronyms before your name. I'll put these in Hebrew. I figured that should be just as hard to understand as transliterated acronyms. גאב"ד- גאון אב בית דין ראב"ד- ראש אבות בית דין אבדק"ק- אב בית דין דקהילה קדושה אדמו"ר- אדונינו מורינו ורבינו רשכבה"ג- רבן של כל בני הגולה הרה"ד- הרב הגאון כבו"ק- כבוד קדושת הרה"ק- הרב הקדוש הרה"צ- הרב הצדיק הגה"צ- הגאון הצדיק הרה"ח (הגה"צ)- הרב החסיד And those are just a few of the acronyms that must come before a rabbi's name, if he's important. Sometimes, it takes twelve minutes to call up a rabbi in acronym form. If you have all of these before your name, you've made it, and you can now tell people they're wrong. Sometimes the Israelis leave out the Kabook acronym, because people think they're going to bring out coated peanuts. Which makes them more excited than seeing the rabbi. To be a greater rabbi, you need an acronym after your name too. Best known one is Shlita. שליט"א- שיחיה לאורך ימים טובים אמן. If your name is not followed by a Shlita, have you truly made it? After the rabbi has gone to Olam Haba (the world to come), they must have a ZT"L. At least a ZT"L. This is if you want to decipher Halacha after you have passed away. And now, we only listen to Halachik decisions of rabbis who've passed away with many acronyms. Note: Please accept my apology for leaving out many acronyms. Since this article has been released, many Talmidim (students) have proven their rabbi greater with more acronyms that were not privy to us when putting out this article. If we learned anything, you don't listen to a rabbi who teaches you Halacha, if he has a name that people know him by other than rebbe and if he doesn't have acronyms. Now, due to Halacha, Jewish men run out of their homes three times a day, to pray. And for Rosh Hashana, they've found a way to leave the country and go to Uman, just to get away from their wives. 'It's Halacha!' Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ekev8/25/2024
Announcements
Banging the table is going to stop. We heard Val whack the wood and we all thought it was Rosh Chodesh. It was a fly, and he seemed very angry at it. We’ve spoke to him, and told him to calm down with his prayers. We’ve sent Shmuel to anger management. We ask members bring better Yahrzeit cake. People are now questioning if they should come to Minyin. We ask you commemorate the passing of your family with a moist babka. We ask that not all members jump in when there’s a complaint, though we understand you enjoy it. There is no greater joy than telling people they stink. We, the board, understand that. However, we are losing important people in the congregation because of this joy of telling people off in group form. We lost another Layner. The Torah reader ran from shul when one guy corrected his ‘VaYomer,’ which was followed by the other members of the shul booing him and throwing candies at him. There will be no more giving Bar Mitzvah guys their Parsha. It’s painful having to hear these guys go through puberty every year. Halacha Classes: How to Get Out Your Anger on Rosh Chodesh By Hitting Things. How to Chase Potential Membership Away From the Shul. How to Never Advance After Your Bar Mitzvah: How to Layn One Parsha the Rest of Your Life Like Simcha. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 9:6) ‘And you should know that not because of your righteousness H”, your Gd, gives you this good Land to possess it, for you're a stiff-necked people.’ Very stiff-necked. No agility in this congregation. Very poor movement... That’s where your anger comes from. I just heard a crick. Bernie’s neck again. A very stiff-necked congregation... Of course it's Israel. Name another good land... Illionois has some good land. Nice grass. OK... You've accomplished nothing. That's what Moshe is saying. What have you done to deserve a decent babka? What? It’s for your ancestors... It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov that we get Israel and some good moist yeast cake. It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov!!! You guys mess up. You remember the golden calf?!... No. It’s not because of you. It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. H liked them. Not you... (Devarim 9:5) ‘In order to establish the word that H’ swore to your forefathers...’ Yes. That’s Avraham Yitzchak and Yaakov... At least H' sticks to His word. The board hasn't given me a raise in years... It's not because of you. A nothing. A not help. Nothing you do is useful. For you? Exile. That's what's from you. You've done nothing. Stiff necks. I see a bunch of stiff necks here. Let's take a moment and stretch... Moshe reminds them what H' did for them in the desert (Devarim 8:2-4). 'Your garments did not wear out upon you and your feet did not swell up these 40 years.' And our congregants with the disheveled look. Is the untuck the new look in the shul? Unlaundered sports jackets. Unshined shoes... I'm sure their shoes were nicer than Pinny's. Even in the desert they got a better shine with the sand... Yes. You bring a sports jacket to the cleaners once in a while. H' had a better laundering service in the desert. H'. It's Him who redeems. You think H’ wants to redeem a people that bangs tables??? You'd break everything Kibbutz Lavi makes. What was with the bang? How much force do you need to kill a fly?... You’ve got to calm down with the table banging. The table Klopping is scary. And there was no reason... It’s not even Rosh Chodesh. Even if it is Rosh Chodesh, you don’t have to scare people into prayer. How much do you hate flies that you have to come down that hard?... You missed the thing. Even on Rosh Chodesh you scare people. How hard do you have to hit a table to remind people to say YaAleh vYavo?! From now on, we'll have signs. The anger expressed through coaching others to pray is way too much... A people that doesn’t show respect to their ancestors. Bringing a sponge cake??? It was a pathetic Yahrzeit... I’m not suggesting to celebrate a Yahrzeit with a kegger. But a little bit of schnapps and a decent cake. It was sponge cake and doughnut holes. Not even the full doughnut... Their holes. But you're willing to attack others. Whenever there’s a complaint, the whole shul jumps in. We lost the Layner because one guy corrected him and then the rest of you blamed him for your mortgage going up. We lost him because of you. That was because of you. The excitement of blaming somebody is manifest. I have never seen people so happy to yell at an somebody who's helping them... You yelled at the guy for no reason. It's like you're addicted to blaming people. You get an itch. I saw you twitching until you yelled at the Layner... No. Shmuel. You're the reason the chairs broke. I've seen you smack chairs when you didn't have tables to hit... Your like dogs pouncing. Any chance you have to gang up... Candy throwing as a sign of disapproval should only be done at Bar Mitzvahs... Layining was painful today. Worse than our Chazin... I didn’t think that was possible. The Longest Layning. Every Parshat Ekev. It’s like having to hear this guy get Bar MItzvahed again. Every year... Ekev is long to begin with. You shouldn't Bar Mitzvah people this week. I have to hear Bar Mitzvah speed every year from this guy... With the way you Layn, we would've never made it to Israel. Our whole people would've been stuck. You would think Max would know how to read Hebrew by now... If you can't Layn another Parsha, you are not allowed to do your Parsha. You cause exile... Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi blamed our congregants for the golden calf. I think Moshe is mad he didn't go to Israel. At least the membership knows H' doesn't like them. I believe the rabbi reiterated that a bunch. Always inspiring lessons from our rabbi. I believe the lesson of the sermon was we don't deserve Israel. But we do deserve to have to deal with annoying people leading Davening and Layning. I believe Max had a heart attack last year due to Rosh Chodesh Davening. It was the banging. The doctor said it was Shmuel's banging. Reminding Max to say YaAleh vYavo sent him to the ICU. Baruch Moshe brought Entenmann’s for the Yahrzeit. It was sad and pathetic. One congregant even said that nobody gets an Aliyas Nishama with Entenmann’s. He suggested fresh baked goods and 20-year-old schnapps to help with an Aliyas Nishama. The rabbi brought doughnuts to show everybody what a true doughnut looks like in full form. Baruch Moshe took credit for the doughnuts and said it was because of him the rabbi brought them. He acknowledged how good doughnuts are in non-cheap form, saying they should be for an Aliyas Nishama. They truly go after people. Whenever there's a complaint they all jump in. It’s like an old British court with thousands of people yelling, 'Bew!!! Bew!!!' I think they just like getting out their anger. Not everybody can hit like Shmuel. He's truly a scary guy. They don’t even have to agree. One parent suggested we start a soccer league for the children. Another parent said, ‘What are you talking about?!’ No reason for the attitude. It was a good idea. Next thing I saw, the whole group of parents ws yelling at the woman, ‘Are you an idiot?! Who comes up with ideas like that?!!!! You fool!!!’ Layning was painful. Everybody agreed with the rabbi's rule that if you can't Layn other Parshas, you can't do your Bar Mitzvah Parsha. It was the first thing the congregation agreed on since moist babka. And he expected a gift. He does a painful Layning and he expects gifts. He doesn't want candy thrown at him. Just gifts. Forty years after his Bar Mitzavah, he still does that long ‘Amen!’ The how to chase potential members away from the shul class was given by the membership. Tags:
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Russian Jews were so against paying for water in the desert. They gave Moshe a rebel. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Rebel. Ruble. A ruble is Russian currency. Moshe called the people rebellious at Mei Merivah. Rebels. Rubles. They gave him a rebel. Not a ruble. Rebel. Rebellion. Many layers here. Please know we love Russian Jews. Russian Jewry was needed to make that work. Next time we’ll do a pun about Jewry and jewelry. Please note, Russian Jews were not around at the time we were wondering in the desert. They had a Jewish diamond store. They said they were looking for a customer base that was made of American Jewelry. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Jewelry. Jewry. American Jewelry. If you were thinking American Jewry, that's anti-Semitic. Or pro-jewelry. This pun keeps on giving. Please note, we said we would bring you a Jewry, jewelry pun. We stuck to our play on word. They were trying to figure out if they needed to wrap a Tallis for Maariv. The rabbi decided they shawl not. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Shall. Shawl. A Tallis is a prayer shawl. Shawl not put it on. Should be 'shall.' Thank you. I speak a proper English even in pun form. Fast days are very important. I did the 17th of Tamuz fast in four hours. That was a very fast day. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Fast day. Fast. Quick. The fast was over faster cause we did in less time. We should get more reward for doing a fast day faster. But don't. You should mourn for longer. You shouldn't follow puns as Halacha all the time. There are better texts than this for Jewish law. Why’s this fast different from all other fasts? All other fasts tables are below. This fast, it's Tish above. (Mordechai) You get it? Tisha BAv. Tish above sounds exactly the same. Tish is table in Yiddish. If you don't know that, it's not a pun. Hence, the need to know at least three languages to understand our puns. It’s not Pesach, but you can still ask questions on this night. The Shadchan didn’t set me up. Though, she did help with Havdalah. She had an idea for a match. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A Shadchan is a matchmaker. Sets people up. But hear they're helping with matches. At Havdalah we light a candle. Matchmaker. Match. Maybe they're a candle-maker that calls themselves a matchmaker. I don't know. His Layning was so bad. They asked what he was doing. One guy said, ‘Kriat HaTorah.’ (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Kriat HaTorah. Tearing the Torah. It usually means ‘reading the Torah,’ but this is a pun. The same word for reading Torah and tearing clothes to mourn, 'Kriah,' if you want the joke to have more meaning. Learn Hebrew, then come back and read out puns. You might want to also learn French, just in case. Tags:
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Halacha, Jewish law, developed over many years of arguing.
It started when Moshe received the word of Torah from H'. Moshe passed down the word of Gd to his students, who argued. They passed it down to their students, who argued, who passed it down to their students who argued about what they argued. A lot of arguing for many years, until Jews got exiled. Yehoshua may have argued with himself before passing it to the elders. I am not sure if Moshe commanded him to argue. The exiled Jews stopped arguing. Maybe they didn't. They still argued, just that nobody was there to listen to their bickering. So, we don't know what they argued about it. Sources do teach that one argument had was where Rafi accused Baruch saying, 'It's because of you we ended up here.' To which Baruch wondered, 'How did we get here.' Somehow, this arguing ended up in the Mishna. They took the arguments and jotted them down in notes, short-form. For some reason, nobody thought that shorthand might cause more arguments. So, all of the students started arguing over what the notes meant. Somehow, this ended up as the Gemara, where they argued over the arguments and gave each other advice on how to avoid having to deal with their wives. Then rabbis argued about the Gemara. Which is why we have shuls. Now the arguments with the wives started. The rabbis did whatever they could to avoid talking to their wives. They went on long walks to bathhouses, they spent time with Lebanon cedars, and they even involved themselves in war with the Romans, just to get out of the house. They spent most of their time complaining about having to deal with what they called 'the old lady.' They theorized about why the old twenty-year-old ladies wouldn't stop whining about socks left on the floor. After much discussion the rabbis decided women are ignorant. The theory of wives being ignorant all started when one of Rabbi Akiva's students noticed that his wife used an elephant tusk to clean the laundry, instead of dandelions. Huge arguments took place. One wife got mad at her husband, she even called him 'Ben Zoma.' She said, 'You, Ben Zoma.' A point of contention which everybody discusses at Pesach, even to this day. Well, I believe it was Ben Zoma (not sure). Well, let's just say he and his wife had a spat about when to leave on Pesach vacation to the Beit HaMikdash (the Holy Temple). He thought the house should still be cleaned before heading to the Temple. Almost broke up the marriage. For hundreds of years, much of the day was spent trying to figure out new ways to tell their wives they had to be separated. They focused on Nidas. If their wife was impure, they could get away from them. Words like 'Veset,' a red stain which would consider the wife impure for extra time, were discussed on the daily. Anything close to red, they found a way to call it a Veset. They had green Vesets. Purple Vesets. All red. Metallic grey? They found a way to call it a Veset. They found a colorblind rabbi to ensure they would have more time out of the house. More time to hang out with the guys. One rabbi came in after witnessing his wife going crazy during what we call the Nida time of the month, to this day known as 'that time of the month.' He said, 'Thank Gd I am not a woman.' And the rabbis all concurred, 'That's in excellent Bracha.' 'We'll use that blessing.' Somehow, the wives heard about this. One of the rabbis, known as the first whistleblower, told his wife that she's not allowed to learn Gemara and they can't talk too much, because she's ignorant. This rabbi was put in excommunication for his stupidity. Upon excommunication it was said, 'We told you it's forbidden to speak to women.' Around a thousand years of arguments with women took place, due to this rabbi's stupidity. This is why we don't have much more Torah discussed, other than stories, known as Midrash, until the turn of the millennium at around 1,100 CE. At that point, the rabbis said that women are not stupid, it is just that they're closer to Gd. The women, being stupid, went for that. And now the rabbi could start getting back to arguing about Halacha. It was at that moment that the law of ‘Peace in the House’ was developed, so that guys could run out of the house without a fight. Then a lot of rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ritva, Rashba. Your acronym had to start with an 'r' for people to respect you. We shall continue next week with modern Halachic development. Tags:
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Announcements
Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms. End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come. Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code. Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat... For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona... (Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created. After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares... I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week... People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance... No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing... It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or... It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic. If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas... The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere... Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it... When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form. Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them. People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings... Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal. It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness... These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could. A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it... He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah. We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you... Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away. The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit. The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim. I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima. I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members. The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle. I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities. After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues. The rabbi truly does not like aerobics. Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.' The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying. Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more. Tags:
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1-28/15/2024 
Laws of Foundations of Torah... All plagiarized from the Rambam
Law 1-2: You learn to love and fear Gd by recognizing how not important you are. I hope that makes you feel good today.
Law 1: You must love and fear H'. It's a Mitzvah. You have to do Mitzvahs. Why do you have to do Mitzvahs? Because H' said so. Look at Devarim chapter 6, verses 5 and 13. Maybe try saying the Shema and then learning Pasuk 13 too. Gd tells you should do that too. You have to love Gd. Why? Gd tells you. It would be good if I know about this years back, when dating somebody I liked. I told her, 'You should love me, because I told you to love me.' If I would've told her, 'Gd told you to love me,' that might have worked. If she was a good Gd fearing Jew. I fear I'll get in trouble if I don't love Him. That's where my fear comes from. Law 2: You end up loving H’ when you realize how great He is. When you notice His great deeds and how there is no end to His greatness, you desire to know more. This is not like loving a human. When you see how much my congregants have messed up, when you see how none of them put more than a dollar in the Tzedakah box, when you see how bad Kiddish is, you do not desire to know them at all. You desire to get out of there. You need a reason to love. With Gd, it's His Greatness that you want to connect to. With a potential spouse, it's to get your parents off your back. You desire to know more. That is love. I think we just defined it. Years of trying to figure out what love is, I think we just figured it out. The Rambam just said it. Through appreciation for H’s greatness, you learn to love Him. It’s a desire to know more. I can tell you that I have been around many women that I have not desired to know more. For many, it's the wife. I believe this is where the shadchanim/matchmakers get it from. This is what they mean when you are not attracted to somebody and they say, ‘You will learn to love them.’ They are telling you that you will desire to know more. After time, you learn to admire them due to their unattractive appearance. You start to love the ugliness you married. You will then desire to know why you made such a bad decision. You know how those parents talk about their ugly kids like they're beautiful, saying stuff like 'you're beautiful'? They're lying. Then you realize how tiny you are. A little puny man. Fear comes through realizing how small you are. H’ said, 'Let there be a world,' and there was a world. It appeared. You requested some orange juice with your breakfast and the waiter still hasn’t brought it. Fear of H' is different. It is a fear of love. If I fear somebody, it's because they're tyrants and I'm worried I'm going to get shot. That's not love. And that is not fear of them. That's fear of losing my life or money. I have to stop hanging out with these people. It's different with parents. They might be tyrants, who made me do homework throughout my childhood. They also made me sit down for dinner with the family. Even so, I fear them and love them because they support me, financially. It's a fear and love with Gd. That's why I say that prayer for Parnasa (a good living). A tiny, lowly, and dark creature, standing with his flimsy, limited, wisdom before He who is of perfect knowledge. Kind of makes you feel worse than sitting through a Shidduch pitch from a matchmaker, where they tell you how not handsome you are. Meditate on how great H' is. Do it for a minute or two. Now think about yourself. Didn't accomplish much. Did you? H' brought the world into being. What have you done today? You stained the deck. Gd just sneezed and built a forest. Kind of makes you think. Maybe fear Him. This isn't a competition with Gd, who decided to create the heavens and earth with a couple of words. You can't even build a Popsicle stick house right. When you understand how puny you are, you fear Him. Until now, I never fully understood the Musar, the moral lessons, Hons and Franz were giving over. Now you understand why you have to fight with fools to get to the potato kugel at Kiddish. Ahh. That was a good learning session of the Rambam. I feel like a nothing. An absolute nothing, right now. And I got rejected by a woman, even though I told her to love me. Didn’t work. As she said, ‘You’re not Gd.’ And then I told her, ‘You’re ugly.’ Tags:
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How my date would've looked if romance wasn't forbidden. (Sawyouatsinai.com used that photo- and they claim they're helping religious people get married)
Tu BAv, the holiday of Jewish love is upon us. So, here's another recording of a bad date.
I was dating this religious girl who just decided to became religious. That was it. She had a bad day, broke up with her boyfriend she was living with and decided she was a Bal Teshuva. She said, 'I don't want to have fun anymore.' She found out she didn't have to pay for Kiddish, and that was it. She was a Bal Teshuva, a returner in penitence, also known as a Chozer BTshuva or somebody who ruins good times. She just started being religious, which means that I was a heretic, as I was religious my whole life. Let me chronicle this experience so we can learn from it. She Judged My Blessing The whole date she couldn't get over the fact that I didn't have enough Kavanah (proper intent) when saying the Bracha. I made the blessing. I thought that was enough. To this day, I still don't know the requisite amount of Kavanah involved in eating a french fry. She didn't stop. She said I didn't close my eyes enough, and that my Bracha was illegitimate. It was then that we moved onto the conversation of her two kids she had before she decided to become religious. It turns out she now needed somebody to pay for her children to go to Jewish day school. So, she needs a religious man who will commit to this relationship thing. As soon as she started telling me about her religious journey, I fell asleep. At that point she said, 'Now, that's Kavanah.' Where Was the Date I thought a restaurant would be nice. She wanted to go to a Shiur. A class. We showed up to the class. The rabbi sat the men and women on different sides. That was the only part of the date that went well. It was after the class that we went for dinner. The Hashgacha wasn't good enough at the first restaurant. It only had one rabbinic certificate. She wanted at least four. She said that no restaurant should trust the rabbi giving them a certificate. We ended up at a nice dairy cafe. Yankel Mendel's Cafe. She said the name sounded religious enough. She was fine with the three Hashgachas. He had one for dairy, one for meat, and one that said Yankel in Hebrew that she said was a Hashgacha, as it was in Hebrew. I Asked Her Story I asked when she became religious. She told me she had an epiphany three weeks ago and told her rabbi that she didn't want to enjoy life anymore. Her rabbi said, 'I think you're on the right path.' And she became religious. She then told me the whole story of how she became a Bal Teshuva by by telling her parents they did everything wrong. I asked about Kibud Av vEim, honoring your parents. She said she never heard of that commandment. I asked her what she liked about Yiddishkeit. She had no idea what that meant, and she told me that's not a Frum word. She just knew that she was better than me and her parents. She Is Now Shomeret Negiah She told me she wanted to stop touching guys. Now. With me. For religious reasons. I explained to her that this was not a good way to inspire other people to become religious. I asked what happened with her last boyfriend. She said, 'I just moved out. We broke up and I felt it was time to stop living with him.' It turns out she was partying and touching every guy she could for the past thirty-eight years. As a religious man, I was bothered by how many hands she shook. Her only focus on the date, other than telling me I'm a bad Jew, was to not touch. I started eating, she was shocked that I touched the cannoli. She said that's not allowed. 'You shouldn't touch. Touching is forbidden.' And then she told me I ate french fries not religiously. She told me men and women shouldn't be talking. To quote, 'Good religious men don't talk to women.' I had no idea how to respond to that. I sat for a minute in silence. I actually enjoyed that minute. At that point I ended the date. I didn't tell her I was ending the date. I thought getting up and leaving, and not footing the bill, was what a good religious man would do. So, I got up and devoured that cannoli with the a passion that could only be seen by a man who hasn't touched a woman since second grade, when he danced the Hora, not knowing that was a sinful act. In her religious journey, she learned nothing about honoring her parents. But she did learn touching and talking to men is forbidden. And she has to go on dates. She learned how to go on dates and tell the guy he is a heretic. I called off the second date and spent that time with my Musar rebbe, who also told me that I need more intent when I make a Bracha. He said, 'It's a french fry. It comes from H'. A good one has that crunch. You know, the oily ones that went back in the deep fryer. You have Kavanah! For crying out loud! Kavanah! That stuff is good. Then you dunk it mayonnaise or ketchup. Put on a few pounds...' I had never heard somebody go off like that, on love of french fries and Gd. After the french fry speech, I got a call from her rabbi saying he was very disappointed in me. He never met me, but he heard I was touching stuff on the date. I felt so bad when he asked, 'Cannolis?!' I felt like a sinner. That date ruined my chances with any girl from Neve Seminary. I didn't do anything right that date. It felt like I was having dinner with my family. Next time I went out was with another Shomeret Negiah girl, she said we can't touch until we get married. I proposed the first date. Tags:
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Announcements
Speaker from Israel will be here this week to tell you shouldn't be here. The rabbi felt it important the congregants hear this message. We are asking congregants to smile. That might help people feel like they are liked. That might help bring some peace this Tisha BAv. As the fast will be happening and our members get worried when they skip a meal, the shul will have a doctor with an IV on-site. Shul aerobic classes will start next week. We understand our membership is very out of shape. This is why we‘re hosting aerobics classes at shul. Our members can’t keep up with the ninety-year-olds at the gym. The JCC asked our members stop coming due to their breathing patterns. For the same reason, the rabbi is asking people to stop Davening the Amidah. The breathing is too loud during the silent prayer. The Israel support meeting will happen this week. We are going to focus on meetings, as we know people will not give money. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Move to Israel and Leave Our Shul. How to Not Look Like You’re Mad at Everyone. How to Not Breathe Like You’re About to Pass Out. How to Do More than Start a Committee. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Let me summarize Moshe’s words. ‘I detest you as people...’ No. He didn’t have to deal with congregants of this shul. (Devarim 1:25-28) Moshe tells them the spies, the good ones, came back and said the land was good. ‘Took in their hands from the fruit...’ It was good fruit. Ever had an Israeli kumquat?!... I don’t know if they brought those, but they’re good. ‘The land is good, and you didn’t want to go. You were like members of Anshei Emes uSefilah who didn’t go on the shul trip. You rebelled H’ like the Chazin who takes a really long time to finish the repetition of the Amidah. And you slandered like the Pinskowitzs who don’t appreciate their rabbi...’ I'm paraphrasing Moshe. I don't know if he knew Bernie. Point is you slander when you do something wrong. It starts with a little thing, like comfort and then it turns into hate and fear. And then you don’t want to visit Israel and United cancels their flights.... It’s about taking that plunge. Being in Israel is the right thing. It's a good land. But you all have excuses. And those excuses turn to fear. And fear turns into your rabbi having to deal with Bernie and Fran. Kiddishes that have nothing more than Kichel... The guest speaker is right. You should be in Israel... If his speeches are successful, you won't be here... You still have to pay dues... (Devarim 1:29-30) Moshe reminds them that he told them, ‘Do not be broken and do not fear them. H’... He will make war for you like all he did for you in Mitzrayim.’ You forget. You forget how H' protects you. You forget the shul Shabbaton where I kicked out the Chazin for singing too much... I did that for you. And I will do that on the shul trip to Israel... A relationship is destroyed when you don’t remember. No trust. And that is why your members of the shul and not of my family... It's an outlook. It's fear which builds up with much time of forgetting H'. You forget H' and you start to come up with excuses for being annoying members. Then you hate... At least you cause a lot of hatred. When you tell the bad jokes, Sim... You depress people here. So depressing in this place... Giving a sermon to you... When you snarl at people, they think you don't like them... That's not an excuse. To say that anger is your regular look is not an excuse. You're the reason for hatred. Let's try to smile together... Your smiles truly do look bad. The look of depression is more fitting our congregants... Please stop interrupting the sermon. The loud breathing in a listening state of our congregants is disturbing... I couldn't even focus on the Amidah. Your breathing kills Kavanah... The Amidah should be no saying the words out loud or breathing. This congregation is too out of shape to Daven. The back left is too out of shape to pray for good health. It's messed up. I'm shocked you can even make it to shul... The aerobics classes are Zoomba... So, they’re Asur. I don’t know. So, they're just for women. I just know you can’t go Bernie... It’s for women only. I’ve seen you looking at the women’s side at the weddings recently. You want to chase the women away from aerobics too???... I think they’re doing Zoomba there. Not sure... You don't need to bring your own step. We have steps in the sanctuary, on the way up to the Aron Kodesh. The Bima in front of the ark has a lot of stairs... You fear even losing your money... You're worried about your retirement... You should retire to Israel... I know it costs more. At least give money to Israel... Money is also a form of giving. I know nobody in this shul believes that you can do more than be part of a committee... You can make decisions for good without a meeting. You don't need to be part of a board to participate in showing up to Shacharit on time... Having a meeting does not mean you did anything... Yes. I said it... I didn't say to give money to the Federation. The Federation is in Topeka, not Israel. How do you give to Israel when you're giving to Topeka??? It's all about fear. The reason you don't want to go to Israel. It's fear. It's fear because you forgot H'. You forgot H' and you remembered your money. And you forgot my class on repentance last week... Nobody showed for that... Stop crying about Tisha BAv. Cry for the destruction of our people. Cry for a day where people are in good enough shape to not dusturb my Davening. The Federation... Calm down with the Kinot. Lamentations are not more painful than the fast... I know nobody understands them. You're not supposed to understand prayer. That's why we call it Tefillah... (Devarim 1:37) Moshe tells the people, ‘It’s because of you I am not going to Israel.’ And you are why we had to cancel the shul stay in the Citadel Hotel... I will do a Kinah about that. Rivka's Rundown As the rabbi said, it’s this fear that keeps us out of Israel. It’s the lack of trust in H’. This is the reason why the rabbi hasn't had a decent shawarma in two years. The rabbi said everybody in the shul is full of fear. The congregants fear showing up to shul on time. They fear they might have to pray. Everybody fears the Chazin might show up. The whole of the membership fears smiling. Rabbi brought in somebody from Israel to tell us he wants us out of Topeka. I think he is trying to get rid of the congregation and using the Torah to do it. The Israel message the speaker was giving over was right and I agree. We should be in Israel. But the following week with the rabbi told us we should move to Montreal. I am still trying to figure out if the rabbi cares about Israel or not having to deal with Bernie. I don't know how still paying dues after moving to Israel makes sense. Truth is our shul has raised no money for Israel the past year. I believe we're the only congregation to give nothing. Fear will definitely keep your money in Topeka. Our shul truly is the most depressing place to go. It’s always a Tisha BAv feeling in our shul. That’s the ambiance we’re going for. The Tisha BAv kind of ambiance. Smiling doesn't help. The rabbi brought in a dentist. The dentist said he can't do anything about the smiles. Suggested it's better the congregation doesn't smile. For a second opinion the rabbi brought in an orthodontist. The orthodontist felt so bad. He said it will depress people more if the congregants smiled. He ended up giving a donation to shul, feeling so bad that he might have had something to do with the disgusting teeth and hygiene of the community. Dr. Friedberg, the orthodontist, is now in therapy, post traumatic teeth of Anshei Emes uSefilah disorder. I believe the Dr. Friedberg fears coming back to our shul. When asked why they haven't been to an orthodontist, every man in the back left said, 'I haven't even paid my dues.' We need to lose weight. The breathing is off in our shul. Aerobics will help. I didn't understand why we needed Zoomba classes. Then the rabbi pointed to Shimon and said, 'That's what you look like when you dance the Hora.' Fast Davening can help with the aerobic aspects of Davening. We need more people focusing on the sitting and standing. More of an aerobic focus. More circling around the shul with the Torha. The kid chasing in shul is good aerobics. I still think more Simcha dancing can help. Just nobody wants to go to more weddings. With the due, wedding gifts and trips the rabbi is suggesting, nobody in our congregation will ever be able to afford and orthodontist. The rabbi's words of not understanding Kinot were greatly appreciated by all. They finally understood why they come to shul and pray in Hebrew that is not Biblical or modern. They get so worried in our shul about not eating on a fast day, Chana Leah printed up a Kinah (lamentation) about not eating for twenty-five hours. She insisted everybody read it along with the Kinot about the destruction of the Temples and the genocide of our people. The part about 'Oh. To thine cheese that hasth melted. Werehast thy goneth,' was quite touching. The Jewish Federation now hates our rabbi. They told him that money raised for Israel should go to Israelis in America. And then the rabbi said, 'Having a meeting doesn't mean you did anything.' That hurt the congregants as a whole. Now the board that hasn't put in money for a paint job in the shul for the past thirty-five years is questioning what being Jewish is about. To quote Shaindel, a committee member who is part of every committee, 'What is Judaism without committees?' Meetings need more action was not a message that spoke to our congregants. They feel like they’re giving by talking with their friends. Which is true if you're unemployed. At the Israel support meeting the congregants were adamant that they will do anything and give anything but money. After much deliberation, they decided wanted to give by having more meetings. Tisha BAv services in shul were very long. The rabbi talked for hours during the Kinot services about the Temple being destroyed because of hatred of fellow man, and how we should use the day to internalize peace amongst our people. With the long prayers and the long fast mixed together, people got very antsy. Fights broke out. Much fear of having to hear the rabbi talk more was expressed by the congregation. Tags:
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I think that means '10 Items or Less'
I had already been to the mechanic that morning. I was not happy entering the supermarket. When Gd says Tisha BAv is an inauspicious time for the Jewish people, I had no idea He was talking about people ruining my day. Now I understand. I thought they were anti-Semites. They were fulfilling Gd's mission of shopping for groceries. Nonetheless, I was overcome with hatred.
I try to find the positive in these people who ruin my day. I can't. Yet, I thought of what they might be going through. Their thoughts. How they're not as annoying as my congregants. This Tisha BAv, I hope you can be inspired by how I was able to not judge the guy on the 10 items or less aisle with more than 30 items, and how I stayed away from whacking him with my cart. I Almost Hated Cheerios I almost gave up on mankind when I saw the guy's cart. I could tell he likes cereal. I believe he decided he was going to eat General Mills for breakfast. All of General Mills. The company. He was about to purchase the whole Cheerios section. Till I saw his cart, I had no idea Cheerios had an Oat Crunch. I didn't know that Cheerios themselves could be more than 10 items. I thought they were Cheerios. You're thinking, 'He must be able to see the lit sign. He was able to read the packaging on his thirty cans of tuna, and fifteen boxes of Pop-Tarts.' I was thinking that too. These people deserve to be hated. But it's Tisha BAv. What The Guy With A Full Cart is Thinking on the 10 Items and Less Aisle Maybe the sign that says '10 items or less' means ten types of products, and I'm misunderstanding the number ten. Does it mean cheese as a category? That includes cottage cheese and cream cheese. Macaroni and cheese. Maybe all dairy products is one item. Comes from cow. Dairy. One item. It should be 'dairy product.' I don't know the mathematics behind what equals 10 items. Is cereals as a category one item? Maybe it's grains. Fifteen packages of grain item. That's one item of grain. This line is moving fast. What They're Thinking After Twelve Minutes of You Waiting When you're taking out of the supermarket, each plastic bag you loaded up is one item. Why does that woman behind me only have eight things? Why is she waiting on this line with just milk and eggs? Isn't there another line for people like her? Judging Is Wrong Don't judge until you understand the rules. I saw one woman on the line with two carts. Maybe each cart is an item. I don't know. I just know I missed work. Anybody Working at a Garage It's the mechanic's fault. I believe he was the reason. I hate mechanics. I tried to love them. I can't. They charge too much. Love shouldn't cost that much, unless if there's a Ketubah involved. If there is one people you're allowed to hate, it's mechanics. I have never walked away from a garage happy. I believe they cause all hatred. The Torah should teach that it's forbidden to work on people's cars. Taking interest and being a mechanic are Asur. Taking interest, being a mechanic, and being a congregant are forbidden. I've never seen a 30 items or more aisle. I've also never seen somebody take six minutes to ring up Cheerios. I have a lot of anger to work through. But I am getting there. I'm trying real hard to stay away from auto repairs. I don't know how long it will be till my next oil change and hatred of all mankind. I pray we can all find a way to love each other and stay away from mechanics. This Tisha BAv should be a time of redemption and quicker lines. Why the supermarket only had one line still bothers me. Tags:
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to kids at camp competing in color war and a non-racist Israeli getting blamed for loving Israel while dealing with a real war, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Jewish magazines trying to make money.
I was just going to Deli Kasbah for dinner. For them to put up a whole welcoming sign... I didn't let the sign get to my ego. Though I appreciated the gesture and the Rebbe waving at me, I told them I’m not the Messiah. I felt it my religious duty to let them know.
A well put together cover page for a Jewish newspaper. I knew I was reading a Frum Jewish newspaper, as they found a way to fit 28 ads on the cover page. And the feature article is an ad for Amor jewelry... A properly written Jewish magazine should be advertisements. I once read a non-religious magazine, and I felt like a sinner when I read an article to only find there was no phone number at the end of it. I felt defiled… It’s a shame the Amor ad is so big. They could’ve got another 20 ads in.
Supporting the Israeli Army. Apparently, this guy never heard of political correctness... That kind of support for the Jewish people and Shalom in Israel will get you fired.
That's what Color War looks like nowadays. All the kids playing for the tie dye team... Tie dye shirts?! All the kids are playing for every team. Going to war against each other on the same team... That’s how kids compete nowadays. I can’t explain it either... I thought they were competing. Then I found out they were all on the same team. Still competing, but all on the same team???!!
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Announcements
The front lock to the shul is now good for use on Shabbis. Many people have asked how they can break in during non-office hours. Now, with Hebrew, you can break in even on Shabbis. And you won’t be breaking the laws of Shabbis as you do on your way home. We’re honoring the Schonefelds for being the most classy members of our congregation. They have not eaten at Kiddish all year. That's class. The rabbi has decided that he will be learning the laws of Shabbat with the congregants at Shalishudis. He said it is at the point that the congregants should know how to sin with more Kavanah. We are looking for sponsors of the Chumashim we already bought. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Use a Lock By Knowing Hebrew: Breaking Into Shul Would Be A Good Thing For Some of You. How to Not Eat at Kiddish and Look Like a Normal Human Who’s Relaxed Around Choolante: Not Hurting the Elderly for Kugel. How to Raise More Money Off Something You Already Raised Money On. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s been two long Parshas... I don’t know why they put them together. It was probably somebody in this shul. The president likes making things painful for everybody. The real question is if Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe did the right thing staying on the other side of the Jordan. Not entering Israel... If the Pinskowitz family stayed in Iowa and didn’t move to Topeka, I think we would have all been fine with that... (Bamidbar 32:6-15) Moshe compares it to the Meraglim (spies), letting them know that not going the full way can cause the destruction of the people... I don't think we've ever had a successful community trip to Israel. Every trip gets cancelled due to safety... Look at this community. The fact that it's here, in Topeka. Destroyed. This is what happens when you don't move to Israel. Bernie... Do you not like Israel?... Sending money is not enough. I've seen how much you donate to the shul. Israel can't survive on falafel balls for dinner every night... (Bamidbar 32:17-19) They commit. ‘We will arm ourselves ... we shall return to our homes until the Children of Israel will have inherited...’ No matter how disconnected they were, Reuven and Gad knew they had to fight with their people. This congregation shares the characteristics of the tribes of Gad and Reuven. This shul is very disconnected. If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos-Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. I also feel like it's still going on... Because you're still talking like it's in the middle of Torah reading. At least show respect for the sermon... He's still trying to find Matos. Matos goes into Masai... Masai Yistimu HaPeh Shelahem (I think this means shut up)... The only difference is the members of this shul never help... Even inter-shul baseball play was a failure this year. Again. Because nobody backed up the plate... Nobody is ever there to help. You always overthrow... One thing that is not deniable. They were there to fight Are we fighting with our brethren now?!... Posting to war on Facebook is not the same as... You lost a friend on Facebook. Stop saying you lost a friend... This guy is still fighting for more safety in shul. Sometimes it's not about just your safety. It's about everybody... How much safety do you need? A Shabbis lock is still a locked door... It's called a Shabbis lock because you can use it on Shabbis. If I have to explain this one more time. It's not to keep Shomer Shabbis Jews out. It's so that you can use it on Shabbis... You don't even keep Shabbis. The shul Shabbis lock with transliterated Hebrew is not safe. If half of our congregants can get in on Shabbis, there is something wrong with the code... Antifa doesn't read Hebrew. Except for Molly in the far-right section over there... That's you under that mask, terrorizing Jewish students. Still convinced that part of hating Jews is attacking them... Hating your fellow Jew is more about complaining about how they had a bad Kiddish for their son's Bar Mitzvah... Beforehand you were using an electric pad on Shabbat... No. That’s not good... Then learn Hebrew. We don’t want random people who need transliteration. We have enough congregants stuck on transliterating... It's not a left-wing thing to support transliteration... It should be an incentive to learn Hebrew. If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos and Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. Learn to read Hebrew pages. I still don't know why we can't get Chumashim that have numbers that are not in Hebrew letters. Nobody is trying to break into a Chumash... The Schonefelds are classy. That do stuff for the Jewish people... That’s class. Stuffing your face with free choolante and babka is not class. Class is not eating at Kiddish. It's simple. You don't eat at Kiddish. You stand and talk. You're classy. Classy people don't eat in public... Taking a plate of Kichel home is the next level of non-classy. Smart and economic. Great way to get something out of your dues. Not classy. What do we learn? We have to choose correctly, or we might cause the destruction of our people. 'What do we learn' is the question... Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata is a Sefer about the laws of Shabbis. I don't think anybody cares about that... You break those laws all the time. Anybody want to learn about how they are sinners? So, Misilat Yesharim?... Nobody knows what that is?! Then why did you vote for it???!!! I think we’ll just learn Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. You guys have no idea how to vote... You voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata four times last week... Because you forgot each time. You forgot you voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. Then you voted for it again. Then I checked to make sure that's what you wanted, and you didn’t raise your hand again. The next time I asked, to be sure, Mark asked, 'What's that?' I explained. 'That's the one about Shabbis. The one you just voted for.' Mark says, ‘Oh. I want that one’... Watching you guys make decisions for the community is watching the destruction of our people. I'll choose... The Schonefelds didn't vote. Class... Yes. We bought the Chumashim already with donation monies. But does that mean we shouldn’t have somebody paying for them again... That’s the point of the sponsor. I haven’t had a raise in... Rivka's Rundown That’s how I judge a classy person. If they don’t eat at Kiddish, they’re classy. The rabbi got cheers when he said, ‘It's been two long Parshas.’ The congregants finally felt like somebody heard them. The rabbi is correct. Nobody ever helps. If congregants helped, maybe we would see our shul with a better softball team. A non-destroyed team. I have no idea why we're called the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Lions. Nobody in our congregation is talented enough to come up with a cheer that long. We should just be called the Lions. It's also embarrassing to go through the shul's name and to be associated which such an untalented squad. We've lost a lot of potential members when people found out the Lions were part of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. I heard one potential member say, 'They are definitely not praying for health.' Shlomo didn't even make it to first base on that walk. Truth is, I don't think our membership would be of any help in war. Not even standing on the sides cheering them on. Now you can only break into the shul if you know Hebrew. They didn’t even use script on the lock. It’s the Hebrew font you see on the computer. The rabbi was right about the safety thing. These people care so much about their own safety. They forget about their people. If Jews can't break into a shul on Shabbis, do we have a community?! We have happy people. But not community. People didn't want to learn about how they are sinners. They were worried that was going to push them to have an internal wanting to learn Shemirat Shabbat KHilchata. They figured that if they just learned the Shabbis Sefer they wouldn't get guilted into learning something else. It took a while to decide what we learn. A few weeks ago, we decided, and then we decided again four times on the next vote where we forgot we already decided to learn about Shabbat. The rabbi decided and he finally started this Shabbat. Finally, the rabbi opened up the Sefer and started learning. We all just watched. We didn’t learn a thing. We just watched. I thought the idea was to learn this together at Shalishudis. Zalman, the one congregant full of pride for his rabbi, announced, ‘In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' It seems our congregants like the act of voting. They like the idea that they're part of the decision-making process. No idea what's going on, but they still vote. This is why they voted on the Shabbis lock with letters they can't read. Having to hear them complaining and blaming the shul for them not being able to read Hebrew was painful. The shul did whatever they can to make it easier to break in. In the end, they wrote the code in Roman numerals. Now we're sponsoring shul days. We sponsor everything now. It feels like every day is Yom Kippur. Sponsored Chumashim??? Somebody already bought them. Now they're getting somebody to donate them again. They paid for the Chumashim and now somebody has to pay for them again. They get me every time with these sponsorships. I sponsored Kiddish two weeks ago to find out somebody else also lost a grandparent. It's a scam. From now on, I'm going to sponsor on a contingency. I eat so much at Kiddish, just to get my money’s worth. I’m not classy. The class on how to raise more money by raising money for something you already raised money for was a huge success. It turned into a panel with every board member who shared a different angle on how to take money from people for an organization that doesn't need it. I don't think anything can destroy our shul. Our community is so messed up already. Tags:
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(Vayikra 19:1-2) ‘You shall be holy.’ Rashi teaches this means to be removed from sin. From this we learn that it's a Mitzvah to not enjoy yourself.
As a rabbi, I've learned that people want to see their rabbi not smiling. A serious look of not happiness makes them feel their rabbi is holy. I once smiled. The board fired me for unholy behavior. Now, I just think of having to deal with congregants and I have the right look. (Niddah 73a) One who learns two Halachas a day, merits Olam Haba... I never learned that Halacha before. If I would’ve known that Halacha, I might have come around to learning it. This should be the first Halacha they teach. People might learn more. By the time you get to this, learning one Halacha a day, you've already earned yourself a place in Gehenim. (Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash. It's about feeling the pain of our people. You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full. This truly connects them to the yearning of our people. Rule: One who commits a sin can't commit a second sin. That's the idea. But I can tell you otherwise. I have congregants. They sin a third time too. We don’t get a haircut or shave during the Three Weeks, so that you can look like you’re mourning and not get a date. The Three Weeks are now. There are other three weeks in the year. I would not want to confuse anybody. Other three weeks do exist. But these are the Three Weeks. The Ben HaMeitzarim, 'Between the Disasters.' The Three Weeks between the shaves. The Three Weeks you look real bad. Tags:
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I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar. 
Our enemies should die like squash. They should be squashed like squash and die...
I’m just working on the Rosh Hashana Simanim and my ability to curse enemies with vegetation. I feel like the gourd family allows me to get out my anger at our foes. 
Rabbi David Kilimnick, Israel's 'Father of Anglo Comedy' brings the Holy Land Comedy Experience of Solidarity to Your Community... [email protected]
Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18) 'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/29/2024
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