Announcements
We had a Minyin for Shacharit on Tuesday this week. The rabbi wants to thank H’ for the miracle. Even with our congregants, we had a Minyin. People showed up to shul.
 
We want to thank Baruch for not letting us know he was alone for Thanksgiving. Everybody would’ve felt bad. We would rather you be pathetic and lonely, and not have to know about it. Nobody needs a damper on their Simcha.
The congregation wants you to know that we all hope you enjoyed the pumpkin pie they were selling for lonely people at Walmart.
 
The rabbi’s Psak is that people aren’t allowed to post their workouts anymore. Nobody needs to know how out of shape our membership is.
And no advertising marathons for donations. Though, we understand people need to run after Thanksgiving.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What a Shul Looks Like with A Minyin- A Field Trip to Another Shul. What Holiday Meals Look Like When Cooking for Yourself- With Baruch and Nobody Else (follow-up class with Baruch will be How to Deal with Depression and Loneliness with Congregants That Don't Care). How to Get More Out of Shape by Working Out- An Exercise Class Given by Our Congregants.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yaakov asks for freedom. He wants out with his wives and kids. Kind of like the way I want out of dealing with this board... I understand that the Mr. Markowitz celebrates being single as freedom. But I can't support running away from your family... Yaakov wants freedom for his family. Now, I think we're all on the same page. He's not free, but his family is. Is that OK, Bernie? Can I go on?... I'm sorry I misspoke. I understand marriage is very painful. 

(Bereishit 30:27) Lavan says to Yaakov, “If I have found favor in your eyes, I have learned from divination that H’ has blessed me due to you.” Is he curing him? Then why the “you” at the end? It sounds like a curse... Even if it's a blessing, it's a curse. 
Then the "favor in your eyes" line. Trying to work Yaakov to get something. We all use it. Buttering him up. My kids use that all the time when they want ice cream... They're biblical children...
He needed divination. Lavan needs divine inspiration to realize he is blessed on account of Yaakov. It’s apparent. But he needs divine help to see it.
You need divine inspiration to realize what I have done for you guys... Because you don’t appreciate. Let me enlighten. Why have we cancelled the shul softball team? Which is an embarrassment, with the out of shape congregants... Why has this shul lost members? Why are there fewer annoying people telling jokes at Kiddish? Because of your rabbi.
Can I get away for winter vacation?! That’s all I want. Florida... If you appreciated me, you would let me go...

We can appreciate the Duadim. But can we appreciate what others do for us. Everybody loves Dudaim. Who doesn’t. I want one of those every day.
It doesn’t take divination to realize some stuff is messed up. To realize there is some stuff here that Dudaim cannot help. Some stuff that is not appreciated, and for good reason... We have a Chazin...

And you need the divine inspiration to appreciate. To appreciate H's blessings...
There was no Minyin. We were about to do the Amidah. Then, they showed, before we started the Amidah. A miracle. Was it Gd stepping in, or Pinchas twenty minutes late?... I consider every time we get a Minyin to be a miracle here. But this was a Nes Nistar. A hidden miracle. Kind of like when I don’t see congregants for a few months.
Do we appreciate the miracles?! On Chanukah there are miracles we can see. What I do for the shul, you can see...

And it's due to you and your selfish unYaakov like focus that Baruch had nowhere to go on Thanksgiving... No divine inspiration in your kindness. No holiday miracle...
So, nobody invited Baruch. You feel better feeling bad and enjoying not having to see him.
The idea is to not have to think about others at their Simchas and holidays?! I get it. This is why most of you don't do Pesach Seders, or put out a decent Kiddish for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Worst Kugel ever, Brian!!! You should be ashamed. Shame!!! Not even Dudaim. The Dudaim were about care... Well dude.
Bracha comes when you concern yourself with others. Just as Yaakov concerned himself with doing proper work... I'm not saying Bracha Rabinowitz. Blessing. Something good...
Baruch. You didn't miss out on anything. Just some turkey that was made in an oven. And other food that was not served in plastic containers...

Giving to your exercise is not what I'm talking about. How about if people donate to the shul, then they can donate to your marathon... What is the cause anyways? We know you're out of shape. We saw the pictures... I understand it costs money to run a marathon. Do people not pay for anything anymore?! I know they don't pay their dues or sponsor a decent Kiddish. One with a potato Kugel that has some oil in it... Your daughter's potato Kugel was a shanda...
Why is everybody posting their workout? Every out of shape person. Every congregant... I get the in-shape people on TikTok... Then post your workout in your sweater. I'm watching people working out showing how they let themselves go...
I don't appreciate your workouts. You lifting weights is not something anybody needs to see. I don't have to see how out of shape my congregants are. I see how they eat at Kiddish. Svetlana will not get a Shidduch like this... I am not out of shape shaming. I am posting your workouts shaming...
Dudaim cannot help your workouts on social media. I didn't need divine inspiration to know that.
This is the reason for Tznyut. Because of your out of shape selves. It’s like you’re always posting before pictures...
And then marathons now. We have to sponsor Rachel?!... We should have an out of shape marathon team that hasn't trained. Svetlana and Michael can lead the team. They can post it on the shul's Facebook group. And people will donate money after seeing how much help our community needs to get in better shape...
Yaakov was in good shape. And his Bracha was that he didn't have to see your posts...

It's about giving, and you all seem to only give when H' steps in. You are not Tzadikim like Yaakov. Like Lavan...
Do we need Dudaim when we have love?! When we have a nice vacation. A good getaway. Dudaim are great. When your congregation lets you go to Florida for the winter... Some Dudaim would really hit the spot right now.
It's not Dudaim. It's about seeing the Bracha. 
Sometimes H' needs to step in. Like Rachel, the Dudadim may help you feel better. But it is only Gd that grants the blessing of seeing the Bracha. 
May we be blessed to not need Dudaim for blessing. Just less members. Less pictures of out of shape congregants working out. Less single people, as they are a downer... It's a Psak. May you find favor in our eyes, with modest clothes. Because you are very out of shape.

Yaakov wants to go to Israel. When you appreciate people, you let them go. Which is why I am going to Florida for a couple months... Still keeping the job. Paid.

Rivka's Rundown
And still, nobody knows what Dudaim are.

Again, the rabbi uses the sermon to get more days off. He turned the Yaakov blessings into him deserving an all-expense paid trip to Florida. Nothing about Israel. This isn't Yaakov leaving for reasons such as family. This is for a perk. The rabbi used the Jewish people's call of "let my people go" for his vacation down to Florida.

The rabbi is correct. Any "you" at the end of a sentence sounds like a curse. Very offensive. I'm going to stop saying "bless you." It sounds nasty. From now on it's, "You should be blessed."

Us getting a Minyin. That was inspirational. It was like a rebbe story. One of miracles. No Minyin and then a Minyin.
People in our shul now believe in H’. If Shloimi can wake up for Minyin, anything is possible.

The upshot is it's selfish of Baruch to be alone.
Nobody needs to know you ate alone. That ruins other people enjoying themselves. Keep that to yourself too. 
Our congregants are so selfish. They actually asked if Baruch had dinner, just to find out how pathetic he really is. Not to invite him.
He should've lied and said he ate with people. Him eating alone made me feel bad. I'm sorry. It's sad when you have to buy a pumpkin pie at Walmart to celebrate the holiday. And then you have to budget and buy the small, personal size one. Such a Rachmanis. Wow. I'm happy I was able to say he's a Rachmanis. Feels like I did my part. Just saying he's pathetic makes me feel better.
The congregants truly do not want to help. Ever. Never visit the older members of the shul.

I had never seen the rabbi so animatedly angry as with Brian and that potato Kugel. Not even the bad egg salad got him that mad. And a good egg salad with potato Kugel is a Mechaya.
I once had cheese with potato Kugel. Melted right on it. That was Olam Haba. Sometimes you have to share inspirational stories. There was no Minyin that day. But it was a good potato Kugel. Maybe I should share that story with Baruch. Might inspire him knowing I enjoyed myself.

The rabbi made it clear. Not one in shape congregant. I believe that was the message.
That was the best argument for Tzniyut ever given.
They workout once and all the sudden it’s their profile picture. It's getting annoying. They have to stop putting up pictures. The most positive thing is where they put up a family picture and I want to smack them for being happy.

It really is getting annoying. And then Rachel did a marathon and we have to sponsor it. Had to advertise her marathon. If Rachel would work a little more, and stop running, she would be able to afford paying for her marathon.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about injured people parking, announcements for people to come to shul, and Mountain Dew being founded with the establishment of the modern state of Israel, as if they did something wrong, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of his kitchen and how he doesn’t clean up the bags.

Let me tell you about my youth collecting baseball cards. And how a Torah Jew came to being.

I was around nine years old. It was fourth grade. That's when it all started. Fourth grade. It must've been fourth grade. I can't remember. The only thing I can remember from that year is jawbreakers. I ate a lot of jawbreakers. Which I found out, was not good for your jaw. And then our science teacher kept on talking about pizza pies. I thought we were supposed to be learning about planets, and she has us thinking about anchovies. She was obsessed with pizza pies.
I was very focused on getting some Pete Rose cards. At the time, I had no idea he was into gambling. If I knew, I would've tried to get some tips. I remember overhearing my dad getting stock tips from his friends. They were always "winners," but half the time they were bad. I am sure Pete Rose had better tips.
At the time, I never wanted to be a winner. Due to my dad's friends, to this day, I root for the underdogs. The losers have more of a chance of winning. I'm sure Pete would agree. Which is why he bet on baseball. And which is why I don't bet on the S&P 500.

It was 1986. That was the year I started getting involved in collecting. The year after the cool looking cards of 1985. The year after the valuable cards. 1986, the only year that it’s impossible to find a card in mint condition. Topps 1986 comes ruined. Who makes baseball cards with a black background??? The idiot.
I've never seen a decent corner on a 1986 card. Donruss and Fleer followed suit that year. Those cards are also impossible to find decent. If anybody has a 1986 baseball card without a ding, please let me know. It's got to be valuable.
Topps had it all that year. Dings, off centered, and the worst rookies. Right when I started collecting. They didn't even have the Jose Canseco. If they did, he would've ratted them out, and nobody would've bought those cards.
Every card came off centered. It was like 1989 Donruss. Topps saw their 1985 football cards and asked, "How can we create the look of those cards that comes messed up?! 1985 football. Nobody liked those. And let's leave the good rookies out, to give the full experience."
I got one 1986 card with one perfect corner. I cherished that card. Offcentered as anything. Half the card wasn’t even there. It was a Cecil Fielder and some other random guy. No idea. I think it was Cecil fielder's left elbow. I'm almost positive. I puzzled it up against a Cecil Fielder that was three quarters of a Cecil Fielder card. That was the closest to a full card I pulled from that pack. The guy cutting the cards was going for a three for one. He was trying to make every card into a multiple rookie highlights card. A historical fact I learned from much collecting: It's the Topps cutting guy that inspired Fleer to put more than one guy on a card.

1985 Topps are some of the most amazing cards ever made. My goal was to get those. The team name in the tilted rectangular box. And then the block letters. Looked so cool. Ever since I saw those, I only wrote in block letters and at an angle, and I got bad grades.
By the time I started collecting, they didn’t have the 1985 packs at 7-Eleven, so that didn’t happen. That was how my luck worked. I also got a papercut from Don Mattingly, and I missed out on high school in the 1980s. I never witnessed the full effect of Karma Chameleon.
7-Eleven was where I went to pick up cards. I would pick up the packs, pull out a card that was worth four thousand dollars and retire. That was my business plan. I also picked up cards at card shops and shows, when I wanted to feel like I was getting ripped off. We’ll get into the 1990s and why I collected Jerome Walton another time. It was only later that I found out that the most valuable card in 1986 Topps was worth four dollars, in 2008. With perfect corners.

But it was the year, 1986, where Topps celebrated Pete Rose. They figured, "We celebrated him in 1985. People like him. Let us celebrate him again." If Pete Rose was the member of my shul, every fundraiser would be in his honor. 
1986 had The Pete Rose Years legacy cards, illustrating all of his Topps cards. That was my introduction to the love of baseball cards. I wanted to get every one of them.
Pete Rose, "Charlie Hustle," is baseball. Those cards spoke to me like history. Like I was connecting to something greater than myself. Legacy. And hopefully a lot of money. It turns out those weren't the original cards. I did not have the Pete Rose rookie card. I had a card that had a picture of the Pete Rose rookie.
​Before Nolan Ryan's five thousand strikeouts, Pete Rose was the only accomplishment of note Topps could think of.

Those cards got me into Pete Rose. The only cards that didn't come dinged. I loved those cards with the yellow red background. 
My initiation into baseball came from a man of legacy. And that is what baseball cards do. They celebrate legacy and a desire to gamble.
When it comes to legacy, as a fan you can't see the dings. And that's why I remember how great Pete was. What he gave us all. And that's 1986 cards without dings, that are worth nothing.

Collectors celebrate legacy, and pay way too much for it. And it’s that legacy that makes America great. 
Now you can see how being Mevatel Torah makes a good Jew.

And then came 1986 Topps Traded, and I felt like an idiot. Because I spent all my money on the bad set.

Later On
Today those 1986 cards are worth nothing. If they're in gem mint, millions. Because you can't find them.

Pete Rose bet for his team. That's a good manager. Betting on his team to win, even without Johnny Bench and Joe Morgan. A man committed to his team. That's the kind of guy I want running my ballclub. A guy who cares. A man who has a lot riding on the games. Which is why he was always yelling at umpires. "I don't care if that's a strike. I have forty thousand dollars on this!"
And after Pete Rose, so many other players weren't inducted into the hall of fame. Players like Mark McGwire, who made the game better with the use of steroids. 
Some types of gambling are forbidden according to Jewish law. However, betting on a game you're in, that's questionable. I believe I heard that from Chauncey Billups. 

And who would you see at the card shows? Pete Rose. He would be at every card show. Every cards shop. He would be everywhere. He was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah, and he wasn't even invited. He was committed. He continued to give us that legacy. That smile and that baseball hat with the visor he never touched. He was the look of baseball. The reason for so many Cincinnati fans betting on games.
​He lived baseball. He was baseball. He knew who he was. A man that found his life's work in what he did. What a blessing. To be able to gamble on what you do.
As a fan, I learned commitment from Pete Rose. And that is why I follow the legacy of the Jewish people, Torah. And I am betting that the Torah life is worth a lot. I hope betting on Torah is allowed according to the Torah.

***I had to add that last part to make it meaningful for the rabbis who signed off on my Smicha. They gave me rabbinic ordination so I could share these stories of inspiration.

Announcements
We figured out who was stealing from Kiddish. It was Francine. And we are proud of our security team for taking her down and tackling her with rugulach in hand.
We want to thank our investigative team for noticing the member walking out with a shopping trolley full of Latkas Bakery baked goods. Why she took the egg salad is still a question nobody can answer. It tastes disgusting.
 
We are asking our congregants to smile. As we’re working on membership retention, we ask everybody to look as if they want to be at shul. We don’t believe there has been a look of non-anger coming from Pinchas since the guy has joined the shul.
 
People have been asking about the Thanksgiving menu. To celebrate America, the shul’s Thanksgiving dinner will consist of Kugel, borscht and Kishka. And pastrami.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Spot a Thief with a Granny Cart Full of Food- Discoveries in Detective Work by Our Shul's Security Task Force. How to Smile- How to Make it Look Like You’re Not Angry at Everybody at Shul. How to Smile Part Two- Joining Another Shul. What Makes a Food American- Our Congregants and Their Understanding of American Cuisine.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
After kicking him out, Avimelech comes to show Yitzchak some love, because Yitzchak has money... If you want people to love you, you need money. (Bereishit 26:28) Avimelech and his friends say, “We see that H’ is with you. And we said, ‘Let the oath between us be between us and you, and let’s make a covenant...” When you have money, you get covenants. Nobody is making a covenant with Chaim, who hasn't paid his dues... Here's a covenant. We'll call it paying your membership. 
Yitzchak rightfully asked (Bereishit 26:27) “Why have you come? You all hate me, and you sent me out.” Sounds like dealing with our neighbors in the Middle East and our board meetings...

But they go on and they tell us the truth of anti-Semites... Not that they think Jews can’t play basketball. (Bereishit 26:29) They continue, “If you do with us evil... Just as we haven’t molested you, and as we have done with you only good and sent you away in peace. Now you blessed of Gd.” That’s the kindness of an anti-Semite. "Well thank you for not molesting me.” If they do everything but kill you. Pogroms, forcing us from our homes, calling us cheap, congregants... You are cheap... You can be loved if you are a good Jew who does Mitzvahs too. Sometimes...
Sending away in peace means sending you off without molesting you. That’s kindness.

Sometimes it’s what they do to our land. They take our wells. As if that’s an act of kindness. When it comes to Jews, they're doing kindness. “We didn’t kill you. We just took all of your stuff.”
They want to hurt us... The only reason why not is a covenant with Avraham. They want that blessing of Gd. It’s hard to hate Jews, unless if you’re a member of our congregation.
And Avimelech doesn't even see it as antisemitism. It's accepted. It's normal. Like people showing up late to Minyin...

Avimelech sees the blessing of Gd. Where do the Jews see the Bracha? It is Rechovot where we see the blessing. (Bereishit 26:22) “For now H’ has made expanded space for us, and we can be fruitful in the land.” Rachav. Expanded.
Only once we have that space, can we be fruitful.
They were able to make a well there.
Let’s focus on our Bracha... That didn’t happen. Let’s focus on why we have no Bracha. No wells.
No Bracha in this shul. Absolutely no space. Those new joint chair shtenders. No arm room. Got Matt right behind you, breathing on you... Oh. He uses Crest. Did not know. Thank you, Shlomo. Crest is a blessing sometimes. Count your blessings.

They focus is us. Our focus is a place to serve Gd...
Only loving us when we are successful. Sounds like what Israel and our people deal with every day. But our shul is not successful. We don’t have cattle and herds. I don’t see a well anywhere in our community, or a feeding trough... All I see is people gorging at Kiddish... When people like and appreciate us here in Topeka, they are truly lovers of Jews. We must accept them.
But we need that blessing of expanded space. That is what we need for antisemitism to come to us and to want to be friends.
We know our enemies. Every committee in this shul... But Yitzchak’s focus is his Bracha for his people. Space. Not money. Space to do Mitzvot. To not steal our wells...

We found the perpetrators of the Kiddish thievery. Our own Philistines...
Stealing the egg salad is not a crime. That stuff is disgusting. If somebody walked into Shlomo’s house and took his clothes, that would not be stealing. That would be doing him and his wife a favor. They’re disgusting... A three-piece tweed. Tweed, Shlomo. Who wears tweed?! How do you have space for tweed?!... Not a blessing from Gd. Nobody likes people in tweed...
It was a granny cart. In shul. On Shabbis. It doesn't take a security team to figure this out. And no need to take Francine down. She's ninety-three.
If you figured out who was making the disgusting egg salad, that would be something to figure out. An investigation... They think they're Dragnet. "There's been an assault on the leftover herring."

Our Bracha comes from goodness. Greet everybody with a nice countenance... That’s not me. That’s Pirkei Avot. A nice countenance is what I don’t see here.
Nobody in this shul smiles. Like you’re mad to see people at shul. You come here and it looks like you’re taking care of your kids... You can't have a quorum of just yourself. That's not how quorums work. Bernie.
You chase people away. It looks like you want to kill them. And I can understand. Even with all the Bracha, with egg salad like that... The eggs chase people away from the shul.
Nobody can smile after they eat the Kiddish egg salad...

And when we have the Bracha, we celebrate. We make a covenant...
How we celebrate Thanksgiving is messed up. With deli. Like the Pilgrims descended on the Lower East Side... How is Kishka American?!...
Pastrami is not American. It’s deli... Delis in America do have it. Pizza is American... I was joking. Pasta and pizza are not American. Neither is chicken curry... I know Americans eat it. But...
Like the first words spoken in America were “Oy!”
The pilgrims weren't kicked out by Avimelech... They were fleeing the British. That's why they changed it from salt beef to corned beef. And that is why we eat Kosher Reuben sandwiches on Thanksgiving...

We should be blessed to build a well. To be in Rechovot. To be In Be’er Sheva. To antisemitism...
And this is why the Kansas City Chiefs lost last week. No Bracha. I think we’ll get blamed for that.

Are we looking for Bracha or love?! You will never get love here... Because our congregants are all broke. With messed up egg salad.
But we may find Bracha. If the members would give Sadie a little more room for her arms. These new chairs...
Shalom!!! Peace!!!

Rivka's Rundown
So now we know about antisemitism. And our congregants are the reason.
They're only nice to us when we're successful. That's why the nonJewish community here hates us.
But then they hate us when we're successful. We just can't be successful around them or not around them. It's confusing. I think it's like the rabbi said. It's because of Bernie.

The Christian inspirational speakers preach about money, and that is how they're blessed. Our rabbi speaks of people staying away from him and giving him space.

When the rabbi said count your blessings, people started actually counting. They thought it was a task.
We have no Bracha because the chairs in our shul are too small. This was the first time I ever heard the rabbi advocate for pews.

Shlomo sits in front of Matt. That's how he knows he uses Crest. The rabbi went off on him for not using Tiadent on Shabbis. The reason being that Tiadent is so potent, it kills all germs and makes it hard to talk. Which the rabbi feels is a blessing.
The rabbi pulled Baruch aside at Kiddish and let him know women might like him if he used Tiadent. Nothing about cologne. Just Tiadent. The rabbi had to explain that cologne in the mouth does not taste good.

It turns out they were using water in the egg salad. Water and cumin. Water makes cumin taste worse. A discovery made by our congregants. In Argentina, they came on dolce de leche by accident. In our shul, the sisterhood came on another bad recipe.

We had some detective work going on with the Kiddish thief fiasco. People stuck around after Kiddish last week to see what happened. They figured it out. It was Francine. The janitor took some too. He was the culprit, and he downed some of the gefilte fish. We all know.
The crazy thing is that they threw out the stuff they didn’t want. Who doesn't like the bottom of a babka?! It's the best part. Crystalized sugar with cinnamon. Amazing. If you have any taste, you smuggle the babka bits. And to be honest, that was very bothersome.
This week, Francine still snuck food out in her purse. This is why we don’t allow purses at shul. And we also know our congregants aren't giving donations.
Figuring out who was eating at Kiddish is the greatest piece of security work our Congregants on Patrol Security Force has done. They are taking a lot of pride in taking down a ninety-year-old who's hungry.
They had a celebration for their first sting operation.
​
Shlomo’s style is off with the tweed. He can also use a barber.
Lashon Hara is wrong. But we are helping Shlomo here. Everybody knows, so it’s not Lashon Hara. And that is why people have been meeting up to discuss Shlomo's life all week. 
It's nice that the shul is coming together to talk about how Shlomo is such a Yutz, and how they want to help him. And everybody talked, and catch this, now everybody thinks Shlomo is a Yutz. And that is how our community helps people.

Thanksgiving at our shul is a great way to celebrate European cuisine.
I didn't understand that corned beef is salt beef. The Puritans protested by using corn for everything. That was their protest against Britain. Now we know the reason for bourbon. 

The class on smiling was just awkward. Getting these people to smile is more painful than sitting next to Sadie. It was even more painful than having to look at Shlomo's tweed.
The most forced thing I ever saw. Fran smiling. I had nightmares. Our congregants smiling is not a Bracha.

People are worried. They have no idea what they can say to my Jewish friends. I will tell you, I've never said anything that has not bothered my brethren.
Here are things you shouldn’t say to your Jewish friends who love their people, especially now. Something I've learned from experience.

"I heard this on the BBC."
Anything on from the BBC. You want to bother your Jewish brothers and sisters, repeat anything you heard on the BBC. Anything within the last hundred or so years.
You can also mention CNN, MSNBC or anybody reporting the news that is not JNS.

"The British Parliament voted for..."
Quote the British Prime Minister. Anything he says. There's something about that accent that yells, "I hate Jews."
With that in mind, bring up JD Vance. Since his trip to Israel there's not one Jew that likes that guy. He’s the one unifying factor among the right and left-wing Jews.
Better yet, quote anybody. Something anti-Semitic will come out.
Even better. Say you support UNRWA.
Wait. Even better. Quote any guest that Piers Morgan brought on to argue with Douglas Murray.

"I don't think it's important to be in Israel. Their problems are their problems."
That sounds like an American Jew who supports Israel.

"I got a good deal on a flight to Israel."
Everybody will hate you.

"I got a good deal on Jewish day school."
They will hate you even more.

"I got a good deal on brisket."
They will hate you. And then ask you how that happened.

"I voted for Mamdani."
I don’t believe your Jewish brothers and sisters will appreciate you for trying to save on rent. I see how savings fits our cause as a people. I don't see how that helps Israel, yet.

"I got a raise."
Nobody wants to hear that right now. Especially when they just lost their job due to rent stabilization.

"Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson."
Just those names. I got a twitch just hearing that. Take a moment. Listen to that again. "Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens." I just got a crick in my neck.
Those two. It's now tradition to spit when hear their name. And then to throw in a Yiddish curse. Which helps bring up more phlegm.
And then say, "It is true. Because Candace said it." Oh. That will really piss them off.

"You're invited to my son's Bar Mitzvah."
Oh shoot. That's going to kill the weekend.

"I'm getting honored."
Oh shoot. I already made plans. Wish you would've told me earlier. “I didn’t tell you when I was getting honored.” I have plans for that day.

"Since October Seventh the number of Jews keeping Shabbis and putting on Tefillin..."
Maybe it's me. I don't want to hear anything positive about October Seventh. I am a fan of mourning. I like keeping things negative and me out of trouble.
These people seem so happy. Nothing fazes them. Like the war is the greatest Jewish outreach program ever created. "All these Jews are now saying Shema every day. And the religious unity. The amount of Kiruv Rechokim. B"H for Gaza."
They go off on how everybody came together. That was until they found out the Charedim, ultra-orthodox, aren't doing the army. That was a shocker. It was a surprise because they saw the Charedim putting on Tefillin, and yet they hadn't been to Gaza.
They finally found a way to unite Jews. Thanks to Hamas. As if up to this point, antisemitism hasn't done its job of bringing Jews together. But thank Gd for suffering. The more we suffer, the more we see people putting on Tzitzit and Tefillin.

"It happened because Jews were fighting and sinning."
Anything about October Seventh bothers me. I believe in the Torah and how Gd controls the world. Just don't tell me about it.
Everybody is thinking it, waiting for you to flinch and say it. Don't. I'm waiting for one of those rabbis to come out and say it's because of the sinners, so that he can establish himself as a legitimate Kabbalist.
Any thoughts on hostages, that will anger people. We want them good and safe, and their families well. That should be all you're allowed to say. That should be a law: No sharing your thoughts. That would truly bring about Jewish unity. War is not necessary. Just no sharing what you think. Only share thoughts on Bibi. That's it.
If Jews didn't share their opinions we would have Shalom. If I never knew what Menachem was thinking, I might like the guy.

"My parents are coming to visit."
​Do you know how many Jewish marriages were ruined the past year because of that statement.

"We're going to Florida for Yeshiva Week."
Just confirming your vacation is ruined and you will not be able to enjoy walking down Surfside.

"All is good in Israel."
Nobody wants to hear things are good. That just makes things worse. Nothing is good!!!

"The price of Kosher meat is not that bad. I got brisket at twenty-five dollars a pound."
Now we can't complain and that bothers us. It's crazy expensive and we can't complain.
Say the brisket pun. "How do you perform a circumcision? With a Bris Kit" That will galvanize the community in hatred. You can also repeat your jokes like any of the membership at my shul. You will elicit a lot of anger. The more you repeat it, the more self-hatred you will bring forth.

"There's this great new Kosher smokehouse."
Thank you for killing delis for all of us.

"The war is over. I think the ceasefire..."
That's a great way to get everybody going at each other, while presenting their political platforms and announcing their candidacy for Knesset at the Shabbat table.
"Ceasefire" means the war will never end. And for some reason, that bothers people.

"I hate Jews."
For some reason that still bothers us.

You sneezing.
Any noise coming out of an orifice since COVID will get a lot of nasty looks. Why? Because your sneezing is going to kill everybody at shul. Want to really get everybody mad and cursing you out, cough.
Allergies. That will get you kicked out of the Jewish community.

"My kids moved to Israel."
Why can't you just stop there?! Why do we have to now hear about the grandkids and how much they love Bnei Akiva?!
Your Nachis. Nobody wants to hear your Nachis. If there is one thing that bothers people more than your opinion on Dead Sea salinization, it's the pride you take in your family.

"I am dedicating our vacation down in Florida to Israel."
Somehow, that doesn't help Israel.

"This is what I think Charedim should be doing..."
Nobody wants to know your political opinions right now.
There is a way out of getting in trouble for this statement. You can join the army, serve in Tzahal for three years, and then you can make this statement. With a little commitment, you can also hate Charedim.

That's a fairly exhaustive list. I hope it helps. Just try to stay away from sharing your opinions or sneezing.
You're going to mess up. If you talk, you're going to mess up, and you will remain single. But try. Try to wait for them to mess up and share their opinions on Israel and the new high-speed train from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem first.

Laws 9-11: You think you know about the moon. The moon knows about you.

Law 9: Last thing to know about the planets is they are smart. So, planet shaming has to stop.
The spheres and stars have life to them. "They have souls, knowledge and intellect." They know Gd and they praise Him. And then we have to deal with a Chazin leading us in services, who hasn't talked to Gd one day in his life. 
They praise and glorify H' like the angels, according to their size and level. I have no idea exactly what this means, because I am not a planet. And I only made it to intermediate swimmers. The explanation seemingly given (in Peirush) is that they are constantly moving. In a sense, dancing. I’ll say, it is this dancing that allows them to praise H.’ And this is why Chasidim remind me of spheres. Plus, they dance in circles. 
I for one cannot say that the way the members of my shul walk around is actual dancing. What I saw on Simchat Torah was very out of shape people putting their arms on the person in front of them to brace themselves, in order not to fall. I did not see dancing or anything that resembled a prayer to H'. I did see people hoping their out of shape spouse doesn't get hurt.
So the planets are closer to Gd than us, and that should help you feel insignificant. I hope that inspires you. And their knowledge is greater than that of man. Which is why you never hear of a planet sharing a dumb idea in shul. You also don't see any of them on a committee.
To note, Peirush is a great name for a Peirush.

Laws 10-11: Gd created a type of matter that is not physical. When mixed with this matter, fire, wind, water and earth become what they are. Which is fire, wind, water and earth. Which is why I still have no idea what this matter is.
Unlike the spheres, fire, air, water and earth don't have a soul or knowledge, as they have predetermined movements, kind of like my math teacher who never smiled. 
Does this matter? Well yes. The matter does matter. Matter matters very much.
They have their ways, but they don't control them. They're not smart like the planets who are right now figuring out the cure for cancer.
We praise Gd for these forms of matter and what they produce, such as fire, snow and hail, as it is a constant reminder of Gd's might in this world. And they will ruin your home. They may not praise Gd, but they bring praise to Gd, especially on Lag BOmer, when you get a nice campfire and Kumzits singalong going. 
Don't feel bad for fire, air, water and earth. They don't know they don't have souls. Which is why I don't feel bad for that girl I broke up with years ago. Exactly. She has no soul.
They know not what they do. So, they are not chasing you. And this is why they are still fire, air, water and earth. If they had knowledge, they would've put together an insurance scheme.

Lessons: When you're learning laws, they are not always laws.
People who have a soul should take up expressive dance.
Respect the earth and recycle. Do what you can to protect the ozone layer. Move as much as you can, in praise of H,’ but do not use a car. Kills the atmosphere. And this is why religious Jews walk fast and are constantly running to do Mitzvot. It has nothing to do with not being able to afford a car.
I wasted all that time in school, reading those textbooks on geology the teacher gave me, when Saturn is so much smarter than her. And then I wasted time in chemistry. And astronomy. None of those books bring up the soul. Next time I take up science, I am going to stick to the Rambam. Science is spiritual.
Whenever you're down, just know the stars know a lot more than you. And that is science.

Announcements
We’re having a blood drive. We don’t know where the blood drive will be. Due to the Red Cross' stance on Israel, members are worried the blood will be earmarked to terrorists. The board discussed it, and they’re trying to figure out if lives should be saved. The board definitely does not help the shul.
 
There is a Kiddish thief going around after Kiddish, or a fool who is throwing out the pastries. Are they being stolen and taken home by somebody who is enjoying local baked goods from Latkas, at five times the price of Stella D’oros. Please call the office with any leads.
 
Please make your decision as to whether you want a Mishebeyrach blessing for your relatives before your Aliyah. If the Gabai starts the blessing, we will consider it a business transaction and charge you. Even if you back out.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Feel Good About Not Saving Lives - A Congregation of People Who Has Anti-Blood Drives. How One Can Steal Food That Has Been Given to Them for Free- The Case of the Kiddish Burglar. Mekach Taot and How Our Gabai Sells Aliyahs Under False Pretenses. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Avraham tells Eliezer to find his son a wife... Not from Canaan, Bernie. Everybody knows you don't take a Canaanite wife. There's something off with the Canaan girls. You marry one of those, you're marrying their family. Very annoying mother-in-laws. They even have jokes about them. "Take my Canaanite mother-in-law, please"...
Eliezer was sent to find a girl from Avraham's family. Avraham says she also has to move to them. And people say Chaim is picky.
Eliezer goes on the mission and finds a good woman. Rivka... She happens to be the sister of Lavan. Don't blame her for her brother. It's not one of the Lefkowitz kids.
Lavan sees that Eliezer has money, and like Baruch, he goes over to welcome Eliezer and offers him food... Baruch. You only talk to people who have a gold collar on their Tallis. Oh!!! That was a good one. That was a zinger... I'm just telling the story. Can I continue...
(Bereishit 24:33) Eliezer insisted to not eat or drink until he spoke his word of Rivka and how he asked Gd, Who answered his prayer. He wants to know if Rivka is going to go with him to Israel... I know Israel doesn't exist yet. But it does. I have to deal with Jew haters right in the middle of my sermon. I don't even live in Israel and they are protesting me... The mission comes first to Eliezer. He doesn't want anything to get in the way. Lies happen when people try to butter things up with small talk and food. Which is why the board meetings always have refreshments... 
Did you ever have a business meeting with Mechanic? No food. Exactly. It's clear they're ripping you off.
Let's not let food cloud our judgment.

Eliezer recounts the story. Eliezer wants it to be known that Rivka is a good person... He doesn’t just look at "her figure," Chaim. You sicko. He's not shallow. Who even uses that language anymore?... Other than the Shadchans at our shul.
She brings the camels water too. That's all he wanted to know. That she thought about other living beings. Didn't need somebody telling her what to do to be kind... You guys need a sermon.
When speaking of the experience with Rivka at the well... Yes. That's how you fall in love Chaim. At wells. Eliezer says, (Bereishit 24:46) vAysht "And I drank." The same word for drinking here is the word for a wife. The one who cares. A true Eisheit Chayil worries about people's wellbeing. Their life. Water. They think about others. They ask why the Chazin takes so long. Why does shul have to be so painful?!...

Hearing this, Lavan gives in. He understands it’s the word of Gd... Hearing about Rivka and how she acted. Not about our Chazin and messed up Gabai who still can't figure out how to call up the right person... It's a Simcha, Shmuel. You call up a family member... A family member of the people celebrating. It's not hard. The fact I have to tell you is because you're not a Rivka...
Lavan then says, (Bereishit 24:50) “We can say to you neither bad or good.” He knew at that moment Rivka must go.
When it’s Midot, it’s Gd’s word. When it's Mitzvot, it's Gd's word. When it’s Gd's word, it’s not good or bad. It’s right. You do it. What is bad is our membership. Which is why I don't listen to the board or take requests... The back left of the shul. All the sinners want Kiddish right now.
Our first responsibility is making sure we take care of what Gd wants. After that we can eat... We are not going to Kiddish until this sermon is over.

Don’t let money and food get in the way of what is right... And I know our congregants are very good at not giving donations.

Let's not butter things up. Let's just get into it. For Gd.
What is Gd's mission? And if it is from Gd, it is, let's do it...

Not knowing where the blood drive will be is not a safety concern. The Red Cross are a bunch of terrorists. We don’t support terrorism. Therefore, we don’t give blood... 
We give blood to the Red Cross, next thing you now, they’re hiding Jewish bodies with it... They will use it to shoot bombs into Israel. Very good point, Hadasa. Finally, somebody in this congregation says something that makes sense. They will be shooting blood over from Gaza and Yehuda Shomron... Blood bombs. The bloodiest type of bombs.
The Red Cross offers us gifts. Before we get the gifts, we have to understand if it’s proper to give blood. We all love the towel with the red cross. Love it. Excellent thread count. Get the bag. Maybe you get that Amazon $10 gift certificate. Makes you feel good. Ten dollars off on fabric softener. And then they try to kill you... Saving lives is important. Giving blood is very important. Sometimes. I am not sure... Well I don't know where else to give.
I understand these questions aren't comfortable. Which is why we deal with them like Eliezer, before we eat with the Reshaim...

Kiddish is important. And the sisterhood feeds you without you asking. The only righteous people in the shul... Because they force-feed you. That's what Rivka would've done.
But what is the mission? With our membership, where is the holiness? And where is the food. Last week there was no leftovers. But there was leftovers. What has happened to the Kiddish food from the Bat Mitzvah? Are people throwing it out, or taking it?! Does our shul have a bunch of Kiddish thieves?... Let us deal with it before we eat. You don't eat with sinners. You first work through the issues. In other words, our membership...
Who throws out the pastries from Kiddish?! Who is taking all of the food?! Which one is it?!
Latkas Bakery is expensive. We know it. One cookie is a full Stella D’oro sleeve. And they deserve that at Shalishudis... Yes. That was the discussion at the third Shabbat meal, at shul. They couldn't figure it out. Yet, I know that nobody would do Bal Tashchis to Latkas baked goods. They're too expensive to throw out...
We will get to Kiddish. But you can’t eat if people are stealing and not following Gd’s word.
Let’s first find the Danish cookie thieves. Taking black and white cookies.
The real question is who would buy from Latkas when you can take it from the shul...

The board can help. If they stay away from the shul, they will be very helpful...

We need commitment from people. You decide what is right and do it... Because H' said so. That means that if you decide a Bracha is correct, you go with it. Even Lavan would do that...
MidBracha you backed out. You basically said, “I don’t care about my family that much. For anything more than a dollar their memory should be for a curse”... I understand you weren’t in the will. But it’s a matter of our responsibilities.
Know what you are getting into. Then you do it. And then you feel decent about yourself and eat... You're not hungry, because you're a sinner, and you are not following in Gd's ways.

Eliezer took responsibility first. Wasn’t going to eat until he knew if Rivka would be a wife to Yitzchak.
In life. We have to take responsibility. That means not throwing out Kiddish pastry... Because it’s good.
And giving blood is important. And there is a responsibility to not give to the Red Cross.
And if we don’t first take responsibility, we can’t eat...

But he drank right away with Rivka. When she offered him the drink, he took it right away. Because she was a Tzadeiket. When it comes to Tzadikim, you don't have to wait for a conversation to drink. You can drink right away... For health reasons, drinking right away is also important. Why Eliezer was traveling without a canteen is an excellent question. A water bottle would've been called for.
When you're with a Tzadik the mission is complete. You know Gd is already there. You can eat and drink with them. It's already holy. With a Rasha, like one of our congregants, you have to first talk Torah. You're not sure Torah and Gd will make its way in, unless you do that first. Which is why I have to give the Drasha before Kiddish every Shabbat. And this is why I don't eat at your Simchas... And I don't trust the Hashgacha.
With Reshaim you need Tanaim. You need stipulations. Like Gd. Which is why we have Mishebeyrach agreements. Which is why we have to put together blood drives... Because you people wouldn't donate a thing without it.
A Tzadik truly cares. They make sure you drink. And they want nothing in return. You already know you're with the right person. There is no need to know anything else. You marry that, Chaim. You have a relationship with that...
Whatever you do, make sure Gd is there. And I don't think Gd is stealing Kiddishes.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi went off on Canaanites. Many of the more liberal congregants were very mad. They found it offensive on behalf of their Canaanite friends.

To be clear, the rabbi was talking about Rivka Imanu. Though, he knows I'm a Tzadeket, as I do help out the sisterhood. And I do force Kugel on people. I am in their face if they finished their Lukshen Kugel, scooping it onto their plate.

After the sermon, the board reminded the rabbi that they can fire him. So, he agreed to give classes and talk to the membership again. His contract said that even if it's not Gd's word, he still has to listen to the members complain about how they messed up.

"Because H' said so." You can't argue with that.

I think the rabbi just doesn’t like giving blood. That was the reason for the Drasha. It makes him woozy.

We are the only congregation that put together a program to not give blood. We held a blood drive pass-by. A blood donation protest. And yet we are a pro-life congregation.
So, now we don’t help save lives, because of terrorist blood banks. The Red Cross supports the West Bank and Terrorist Blood Banks.
In the middle of the week the congregation changed its mind and decided that giving blood was important again. Nobody said "important again," as they would've been branded as Trump supporters. Even though they support Trump, they said that being called a Trump supporter is a curse.
The rabbi didn’t know about the hospitals. There was a lot of discussion in our shul, as people don’t want to learn Torah. They feel the Mitzvah they can do is giving blood. So, we had our drive at the hospital. We filled up the emergency waiting room. Just to get a person into the drive took two hours of waiting. We are going to try to get an ICU waiting room next time. The emergency room moves real slow. One guy had blood flying out of his arm. They had him waiting three hours in the ER. They should’ve used his blood for donations. Somebody should be in the emergency room taking blood to give to people.
The ER is for very slow emergencies. Like for slow emergency death. They're very helpful when you have a good half a day to wait for your emergency. They have the waiting part down. 
The rabbi acquiesced that giving blood is a big Mitzvah if they’re not using it to kill Jews. We have to give blood. Saving lives is a Mitzvah. A huge one.

Somebody took the Kiddish leftovers. Everybody knows, Kiddish leftovers are from Shalishudis. One idiot asked, "Aren't you supposed to throw out stuff that was taken out of the kitchen?" This isn't a restaurant. This is shul nobody cares about health. We also donate that stuff. Out of the kitchen ten times, that's when the food kitchen gets it.
Nothing to eat at Shalishudis is a crisis. The Kiddish cookie fiasco was messed up. They had some food at Shalishudis, but no cookies, and no egg salad. By the way, the egg salad is still disgusting. The sisterhood still can't figure out how to sprinkle salt. For some reason, even with the extra salt I pour on, it tastes disgusting. The egg salad is a curse, and I think it's because we have a lot of sinners at shul.
Some people think you don't need that much for Shalishudis in the winter. With short Shabbat, they finish lunch at 3:30pm, and they are hungry at 4:40pm. It's over an hour. They need the food.

The case of the Kiddish Pastry Thief is a real thing. The office got a lead on Ephraim who put on eight pounds. They're checking into it, and forced him to come for a daily weigh in before Shacharit. To make it clear, this was not a boxing match, he kept on his clothes.

He went up for family Mishebeyrach for a dead relative. Might have been the Kel Maleh. The rabbi put in “in order that he will give Tzedakah.” Right there, he took back the blessing. Got mad at the rabbi, and yelled, “You threw that on me. That was a Bracha and switch."

I am no giving blood to the Red Cross. I know they're earmarking it for terror. Terrorist blood.

This month we focused on work and food, and how people risked their lives to figure out the correct temperature at which a hand would burn.

A worker can eat of grapes they’re cutting, but the Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 12:11) says you should not overeat... Even though it is free, you don’t want to get fat.
This is derived from (Devarim 23:25) "When you enter a fellow’s vineyard, and you eat grapes as you desire, to your satisfaction." In other words, "until you are full." And I eat a lot. Which is why nobody wants to hire me. Even my lunch breaks take too long... The Pasuk continues, "but you must not put any in your vessel." Which is why I got fired from my last job. I took too many pens home.

Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they would say, "That's the temperature." And then make them stick their hand back in.
Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
 
In Sefer Ta’amei HaMinhagim, Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak Sperling teaches that because it says in Shabbat Musaf “Those who savor it will merit life,” it’s a Minhag to eat before Shabbis. That’s what Frum guys told their wives 150 years ago so they could eat choolante earlier. Before Shabbat. Which the wife was saving for the guests.
Some would say that these words in Shabbat Musaf are talking about the showbread. But it would seem the men of the time would rather eat some potato kugel and Kokosh cake.
The men who came up with the Minhag could’ve quoted the next part of the line “and also, those who love its speech have chosen greatness,” but that wouldn’t have helped with their hankering.
 
(Rambam- Hilchot Sechirut 13:6) A worker can’t starve himself for he will not be able to work with proper energy. Because that is stealing from his boss... And this is why Frum Jews are heavier. You put that together with Shabbat, Gd gives you no chance to takeoff weight.
And then you’re allowed to eat in the vineyard when working. Absolutely no chance.

And thus we have an excuse to eat. Which is why I listen to the rabbis.

As we were learning Jewish history, my students asked about Karaites. I know very little about Karaites and their traditions, so I shall educate you on what they do. As your rabbi, I will answer all your questions. Knowledge will not be a hindrance in our relationship.
The Karaites reject the Oral traditions of the Torah, including the Talmud and rabbinic law. Thus, I will assume their traditions are connected to the Sadducees who tended to take the Torah literally. Due to the rejection of the divinity of oral law, the rabbinate considers their tradition to be heretical. Nonetheless, many consider Karaites as cultural Jews living in Israel, because people hate them too. 
Traditional Jewish belief is that the Oral law was given to Moshe along with the written Torah. And then there is some other stuff in the Talmud where the rabbis were like, "There is no way Gd meant that." So, they argued and went with what Beit Hillel said. And then they argued about that. And now, just to spite the rabbis, Karaites don't argue.
Here are some known Karaite traditions, and others I speculate are traditions. OK. All speculative. In the spirit of no Oral Torah, let us go on the heretical journey of taking the Torah literally.

It says in the Shema to see your Tzitzit. Hence, hanging Tzitzit and Tallit on the wall seems like an excellent idea. It keeps them cleaner. My Tzitzit are full of sweat stains. And there is no Rabbinic tradition for ring around the collar to set in.

​"Don't cook a kid in its mother's milk." It says that a few times in the Torah. Why? Because you just don't do it. You should be cooking with water. The Torah is giving simple culinary advice. That, and don't eat a stork. Ever tried stork? Disgusting.

An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Foot for foot. The oral law teaches that the Torah refers to monetary damages when it says these ideas of wound for wound. The Torah is just teaching that organs and appendages are not all that important.
I would agree, Iranian Sharia law is the right thing here. It should be a limb for a limb. You go through a stop sign, they cut off your arms, and pull out your eyes. And that is how you get people to follow the law.
Shemot (21:25) includes a bruise for a bruise. In that case, the Beit Din court should punch the guy. You stand him up and take a whack. The bruise for bruise is quite complicated. You want to get the bruise just right. You’ve got to figure out the hematoma angles. Take turns punching and pinching the guy. Sometimes you have to stone them. Maybe spit on them for the right bruise effect. Sometimes you need a good pinch, and then a bite. Getting the correct tooth mark in the guy is not easy.

(Devarim 28:9) "And you shall follow in His ways." This is talking about Gd. Many have taken this literally and followed Steve, as Steve was passing by when they first read this. For those who took the time to know the full Pasuk, and to follow Gd, they started burning bushes and splitting waters. The Karaites are well known for building dams.
This law is also referenced when keeping Shabbat in a hotel with electric doors. You wait for a nonJew to walk into the building, then you follow them. And then you follow them onto the elevator and get off on their floor.

(Vayikra 19:32) "Glorify the face of an older person." You see an eighty-five-year-old sitting at the park, paint the face. And then let them know this is a sign of respect. Pastels and glitter are preferred for glorification. Who needs the rabbis when you have Seichel.

(Vaykira 19:18) “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Misinterpret this one and you might lose your family. This one is a homewrecker.

Vaiykra chapter nineteen really kills good times.
(19:16) Can't be "a gossipmonger among your people." You have to go on vacation just to get out a good story about Shloimi. You have to find some decent Canaanites. They appreciate good Lashon Hara about the tribe of Zevulun.
(19:17) "You shall not hate your brother in your heart." You have to let them know how much you hate them. Makes for very uncomfortable Thanksgiving meals. If you have sisters, you can hate them. That's just natural.
(19:36) "You shall have true scales." That's a great way to feel bad about yourself during the holiday season.
(19:3) "Man shall fear his mother and his father." You go to sleep at night, you're having nightmares. If you're not scared in your house, you are a sinner.
If it's literal, I literally suggest to stay away from Vayikra chapter nineteen.

And this is why we need the Oral tradition. So I can sleep at night, especially with my neighbors being right next door.
​
As we have gotten nowhere in our understanding of Karaite tradition, let's talk more. Karaites don't use Mezuzahs or Tefillin, because there is nothing in the Bible that says you have to go broke. This is also why they don't take the Lulav and Etrog on Sukkot. Prices on that have gone up too much.
Please note that Karaites do keep many Shabbat and holiday laws, as well as family purity laws, quite strictly, unless if it's your neighbor. I am just coming to help educate, as a rabbi. And thus, I will not be listened to. Especially, by the members of my shul.

Whatever the Karaite community truly does, we don't accept their practice as proper Jewish belief. I for one follow rabbinic Judaism, and I sweat in my Tzizit. 
On our next trip down Karaite Lane, we will discuss more literal Torah that Jews don't do. I had to put that in here so I can keep my job as the rabbi. We can also discuss the Oral tradition and rabbinic laws that my congregants don't do. In the meantime, if you are taking the command to follow in the ways seriously, be careful. They may report you to the cops. That has happened to me on many Shabbats when I was trying to get into my hotel.

And we are left with questions: “Do Karaites mix black wool socks and white linen quilts in the laundry?” Of course not. “Do Karaites tithe vegetables and fruit?” Not in America. “Are Karaites Jewish?” It depends on if their mother is Jewish. And they don't accept that.
​And I know very little about Karaites. And now the Karaite community hates me too. I am going to stick to the orthodox community rabbi thing. They're the only ones that will have me now.

Announcements
We ask people not offend the religion and culture of others. Based on the nonreligious members of our congregation and what they dressed as for Halloween, it would appear that our community is full of a bunch of racists. 
Please note, though are members are idiots, not all Asians are from the Han dynasty.
 
We have a Canadian that just moved here to get away from antisemitism. We want to commend them on not making Aliyah and taking a chance with their life. Welcome to Topeka.
 
The shul now has Takana decree weddings and Bar or Bat Mitzvahs. Brisses too. Now the most expensive thing at the Simchas is the gifts. The rabbi figured you guys are already very cheap with your gifts. Giving eighteen dollars.
Point is, you still have to pay your dues. There are no Takana dues. Just members we don't like.
 
We are celebrating Mark’s fifty-fourth birthday. How that’s a celebration is beyond us. The office discussed it and we still can’t figure out how that’s something to celebrate. But we have to announce it.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Holiday- How Our Congregants Ruining Halloween By Dressing as Themselves and Scaring People. Why It's Asur to Live in Canada and How Maple Syrup Can Be Found in America. When Takana Simchas Go Too Far- Decree Parties and How The Hundred-and-Fifty-Dollar Band Did Not Practice. Why Nobody Wanted to Celebrate Mark's Fifty-Fourth.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lot has to leave Sedom. He asks to flee to a city where he can be accepted as a decent man... In Birmingham, nobody would like you. Stop that Fruma. Nobody would like you there... You have one friend here. And they think you’re a sinner... Lot doesn’t want to go to the mountain. It’s too much... The angels concede, don't make Lot go to the mountain, and don’t destroy this city that Lot wants to go to. Not everything has to be a fight, Freida...

(Bereishit 19:22) And the angel says to Lot, “Hurry. Flee there. Because I can’t do the thing until you are there...” When has anybody here ever rushed for anything. Waiting for you guys to get an Aliyah is the most painful... And then your Mishebeyrachs. You guys get up there with lists. How many times have you heard me say, “Hurry. Finish your Mishebeyrach. Nobody cares about your family. We can’t do the thing until you finish”?... The “thing” is Musaf. And then the Chazin takes his time.
Move. Sometimes you have to move. Or we can’t get things done... The angels had to destroy Sedom and Amorah... I can't tell you why there's a "G" in Amorah, Alex...

And you guys are in the way​. Like right now. You're in the way of an amazing sermon. Felvel and Sadie, and Rivka, are taking it in. But you all are also here...
Sometimes you can't get stuff done when congregants are in the way. Like trying to wash the Kohen's hands for Duchening... We had to hold off on the High Holiday priestly blessings because congregants were in the way of the washing station... Yisraels can wash in the bathroom. During Musaf, when we're trying to get the Kohens up to the Bima, to do the Birkat Kohanim, so we can finally leave shul... 
You guys hold things back. Good stuff... You fleeing to Birmingham would be appreciated...

We can’t fix it if you don’t get out of the way. This is why we never get anything done. This is why there is still a leak. Bernie just sits there. Why you don't move your seat when there is a leak right above it... Hurry. Flee, Bernie.

Where do you flee to?
Lot wants to thrive. Where can you thrive? Lot thrives where people aren't that good. Which is why our congregation flourishes... Not Birmingham. Here. If you moved faster. If hustled a hustle a bit, here...
You move slow and you ruin everything. The Chazin knows he’s annoying. Which is why he goes slow...
If you got out of the way, at least the shul could thrive. If you hustled out of the way.
Don't think. When you think, bad things happen. That's how we ended up with a board. And that is why we’re stuck here in Topeka... Lot thought and it slowed everybody down. His wife starts to think. Looks back. She turns to salt. Bad things happen when our congregants don't move... Out of town.

Stop thinking and move faster. When you think, you do dumb stuff, and I can't thrive... I am blaming you.

You thought about what to dress up as for Halloween.
And you dressed as Jews... You are Jews. And you still found a way to offend Jews with your dress... Halloween being Friday night was messed up. Coming home from shul, little kids were asking, “Why are so many people dressed like Jews?! That’s offensive..."
Jews don't do Halloween, unless if they're my congregants... Not just that you're bad Jews.
And then you get dressed up, and you mock other cultures... I also don't think it's fine for our kids to walk around on Purim dressed as Chinese from the Han dynasty. Not all Asians look like that. And the pagans are thinking you have to be real offensive to still be dressing up like that in March... Well. That's how our nonJewish neighbors see it. "The Jews are getting dressed up like Chinese and it's not even Halloween"... On Halloween, global Psak is you can offend people.
Why is your kid wearing shorts in shul? Is he dressed like an Apikores?! Or his dad? Oh!!!
You would've thrived if you realized that Jews don't celebrate pagan holidays... Because they're not Jewish. 
The problem is your thinking. Good Jews think, "We shouldn't do Halloween." You shouldn't think.

Canadians move very slow. Which is why their economy is... The problem there is they think. The police are still trying to figure out if the attack on the shul was an attack.
The congregation was attacked again in Toronto... We don’t live in Canada. Everything will be OK. The problem is Canadians sometimes move to America. And if those are the cops that defunding the police gets us, we will never be able to do the thing... The thing we need to do.
The police are not protecting them there. They're still figuring out if a swastika is a hate crime. The problem is they're thinking too much. 
Let us not be Canadian. Let us not have cops who start committees... Because they're not a congregation. They don't need a committee.
You slow down our shul enough...

It's simple. A Takana Simcha is a party where you can't spend more than a certain amount. It's a decree to make the Simchas more enjoyable by not having a carving station... Because they take too long. 
There is nothing to think about. That's the beautiful thing about the Takana party. It's a set amount...
Mr. Bergman. You can't even do a Takana Bar Mitzvah if you guys don't pay... Yes. You have to pay something. It's not free. It's not a Mamdani Simcha... You don't negotiate a decree. The decree is the amount. You negotiate and we can't do the thing... The thing is the Bar Mitzvah. And we can't do it, because you guys are arguing about the set amount. Which is the set amount that everybody pays... Your enjoyment of haggling is slowing down our community...
The gifts you guys give are real cheap. We should have Takana gifts so you guys will give more. The gift Takana is you can't say eighteen dollars is meaningful... I don't care if it's the numerical number of life. The Takana is it has to be at least double Chai to be meaningful. At least give something people want... Like a pledge you'll move faster with your Mishebeyrachs, and you won't bless every cousin by name. 
The Takana is there make it good for everybody... It’s not a Mamdani thing. It’s not about killing Jews. it’s not a Canadian thing where people get to attack Jews in the name of free healthcare...
Dues are Takana. And you don’t do that. You still have to pay for the hall. Just less. It’s not free... Mamdani did not create this. I can't believe I have Jew haters in my shul... I am annoyed by Jews. My congregants are annoying... Then move to New York. Mamadani may give free Jewish weddings. And that’s how you know he’s an anti-Semite... Everything is free but Jewish day schools and Simchas.

Mark’s fifty-fourth is being celebrated because his wife is paying for it. I hope that answers everybody’s questions. Your questions slow me up. Now, I can finish the sermon... Mark. Nobody would care if your wife didn’t pay. We celebrate birthdays in five-year increments till you’re eighty-five. After eighty-five people care every year, a bit. After ninety. Then people truly care. If you don't reach ninety, people won't even know you died...
Nobody cares about your birthday, Mark. Truly. Nobody cares. We really don't care. Nobody wants to celebrate this thing... Mazel Tov. Because your wife paid for Kiddish... There is no Takana for fifty-fourth birthday, because it's not a Simcha.
Can I finish the Drasha?!...

(Bereishit 19:22) They couldn’t destroy this city Lot was fleeing to... Because Lot was there, Sharon. This is why you people shouldn't be thinking. Because you are idiots. 
“So they called the city Tzoar.” Which means small. It was a small city. Lot was asking to go to small place. A place he could thrive... He did not say Topeka. He specifically did not say Topeka. Nobody thrives in this congregation...
Tzoar was the one surviving city. And he had to be pushed by the angels to go. Even though he requested, he needed a little push. When the world is getting destroyed with fire balls it might be a little stifling. Kind of like having to celebrate a fifty-fourth birthday that makes no sense...
Tzoar also means grief. Pain. When you’re the only one surviving, you feel grief. When you’re the only one who has to deal with a shul of Apikorsim, where people get dressed up for Halloween, you feel grief. There is loss.
When tragedy hits, you get stuck. And you need an angel to help you move forward to your place... This isn't an ad for Visiting Angels. But they're good.

You know when else there is grief. When you have to give these huge gifts at weddings. I never felt so bad at a Simcha till I saw how much my wife spent on the vase... Honey. I don't care if it was on the registry list. Of course it was. Nobody wants to spend that kind of money on a cup for flowers. Why didn't we just buy them a house?! They had that on their registry too, honey...

With all that happened, Lot moved to a place of grief. A place of pain. But he moved. He continued.
It's a pain to have to wait for you to walk up to get an Aliyah. So slow. But we go ahead. Even with the pain of you being a member.
To make it through. Sometimes, you have to move ahead. You have to take action. You have to thrive in some way. You can't let it debilitate you, like the congregation debilitates me... You all hold me back. You're painful.
You don't have to climb a whole mountain. You just have to not mess up the holidays for everybody. Maybe to not force everybody to celebrate every single celebration. Nobody cares that you had another grandchild... We have enough holidays to celebrate... Mark. Max turned ninety-four. Nobody said a thing. We need Takana birthdays. Like no forcing the community to celebrate every one of Mark's birthdays... But there is Kiddish...
Move a little. Move out of town. Go to a place of pain. But go there... Don't get stuck in one spot, or you'll end up having to be the rabbi to the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

Say what you want about Lot, but he was self-aware. He knew he was a small-town boy. He wouldn't have joined the board... Because he was Avraham's nephew and he knew he would mess things up.

Rivka's Rundown
Marissa went on a trip to Birmingham. She won't stop talking about it.

The people really do move slow. Everything our membership does is at half speed. Shmuel Baruch pulled out a list of his extended family for the Mishebeyrach blessings. From his hand to his pocket, it took three minutes.

Why Bernie is getting blamed for a leak above his seat that should've been fixed during the week, not explainable. There are other things to blame Bernie for. The rabbi didn't have to focus on the leak. When the rabbi said, "Hurry. Flee. Bernie," he was trying to get rid of him.

I'm happy the rabbi finally brought his wife into the sermon. She deserved a ribbing too. Ever since she paid dues on behalf of the family, she's fair game.

The rabbi said we have to hustle. He got so into the idea of hustling, he said he’s going to coach the shul softball team next year.

On Halloween, they gave the nonJewish kids Paskesz. That's got to be a culture shock. Just hearing "Paskesz" these kids know there's something Jewish about it. There is no more Jewish word than Paskesz.
​I don’t love Paskesz sour sticks. I love Trader Joe’s fish gummies. They taste better. Trader Joe’s gives a good name to the Jews. That's why I give out Trader Joe's gummies for a Jewish Halloween experience.
​Dressing like Jews on Shabbis. It's impressive how they found a way to offend their own people by dressing as them. That’s what non-religious Jews do. They dress as Jews, and it's offensive. 
I'm just offended we have some members that get dressed up for Halloween, but they can't wear a suit to shul.

Canada is bad. Their police need to know too many languages to be effective. Due to French, they're still trying to figure out if breaking windows and doors to a Jewish institution and painting a swastika on a shul are hate crimes.

Due to our rabbi pushing this Takana pay very little idea, we have gotten more congregants. The supporters seem to be the people who don’t like going broke on Simchas. Which I believe is everybody, except for the Hermans, whose daughter is a fan of Miley Cyrus. Bringing Miley Cyrus to a Bat Mitzvah is not in the Takana plan. If they could've just convinced their daughter that Hannah Montana is now forty years old, they might have been able to go the Takana route. It took that little girl years to understand that Hannah is not Jewish.
The rabbi tried the idea of Takana Jewish day schools. Not happening. Nor are Takana dues. Though, with Takana dues we would've gotten a lot more members. And with Takana day school, the day school would've got a lot more students. It turns out that money deters people.
Every wedding is the same. Why pay??? I agree. Keep it cheap. Get it over. Nobody cares about Bracha and Menachem's wedding.

How Simchas are more enjoyable without a carving station, I don't know. I think that's the only issue. Carving stations are a decent argument against Takana Simchas.

I appreciate the rabbi telling us why we’re celebrating a fifty-fourth. It really makes no sense. It’s like celebrating a granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah. Nobody cares. The rabbi made it clear, "it’s the Kiddish."
​Our shul would be much better off announcing Kiddishes and not Simchas. Announcements should be: We are celebrating Mark's Kiddish and the Herman's daughter's Kiddish. There's a birthday and a Bat Mitzvah, but nobody cares.

Now that Zohran Mamdami is mayor, the question is what should New York Jews do. Now that an anti-Semite is running the city, it's hard to figure out if the city that has been so Jewish friendly will still have delis. I'm sorry. I know many Jews voted for Mamdani, and they will be offended by me calling him an anti-Semite. And I understand that just because somebody says that everybody in Israel should die doesn't make them an anti-Semitic. I shall rephrase. It's scary having such a Jew hater running the New York City government.
Don't worry. I shall help you. Here are some things you can do as a New York Jew.

Move. Move anywhere. Move to New Jersey. It will at least give you a couple of years of feeling like Americans like you.

Enjoy a deli sandwich. New York delis are the one thing you still have. Go to Essen New York Deli before it goes down to Florida, or goes Halal by law. 
You know Mamdani is going to take the Kosher deli and say the Jews stole it from the Arabs. As an act of social justice, he's going to reappropriate Kosher. Yes. I do harp on the fact the guy wants to destroy Israel. For some reason, that affects my thinking. I am Jewish.
To note, pastrami on rye tastes different down in Florida. The water isn't as good.

Pray. Mamdani became mayor because H’ wants you to say Tehillim.
Since the ceasefire, things were going too well for a month. The news was getting real boring, and we thought people liked us again. So, we stopped believing in Gd. Life was looking too good. Some even stopped saying Tehillim. B"H Mamdani is now mayor, and we have a reason to pray again.
Who needs Gd when life is good? The ones getting screwed over. 

Rethink your Judaism. If you're not, you are not woke enough. If you don't hate yourself, you should be questioning what kind of Jew you are.
Before we go on, I want to thank the good Jews of New York who voted for Mamdani. The thirty percent of Jews voted for him. Which means that seventy percent of the New York Jews are not ashamed of themselves, and thus not good Jews.

Enjoy the free stuff. Is there anything more Jewish. Is there any greater Bracha than free food. Did getting the free school Kosher food packages not make COVID worth it. Do we need more proof that Karl Marx had Jewish ancestry. Do we need more proof that Mamdani is an anti-Semite. Running on the platform of everything being free, just to get the Jewish vote. Oh. It's good to have an anti-Semite in office.

Wear a Bigger Kippah. Those huge knit Carlebach and Na Nach Kippahs look like a Jewish Kufi. That should be safe. It helps when they can't figure out why they hate you. 
​And Frum women should wear the snood and Tichel head scarf, or Jewish Keffiyeh. Keep them guessing. 
Baseball hats are not safe anymore. Religious Jews have depended too long on those for protection against Jew hatred. A Jew should not be going undercover as a citizen of the United States with a visor and Payis. It’s suggested and safer to go around America undercover as somebody who hates America. A COVID mask and a Keffiyeh around the neck as an Ashkenazi Jew should do the job. 
Note of Safety: Make sure you wear your Jewish Kufi in the right neighborhoods. Keep your baseball hat in the car for American loving neighborhood safety. There are still people who love America a bit too much. And those people can be dangerous. 

Worry. That’s an activity and a Jewish tradition. I’m just trying to help. Trying to give you something to do. And I feel like a better Jew sounding like an anti-Semite. 

If you voted for Mamdani, study what it means to be an anti-Semite. That is an activity that will keep you busy for the next few years. Maybe write a doctoral thesis on how free stuff makes somebody a lover of Jews. 
Study the dichotomy found in how one can be a Jew hater, even when bringing down their rent. 

Maybe push for free Kosher stuff. We should be protesting the cost of Kosher. Some have said, "Let's wait and see what happens with the new mayor." The truth is yet to be seen. Will Mamdani have a free Kosher supermarket?! Is there a budget that can handle that?! The answer is “no.”

Move to Florida. It’s what you're going to do as a New Yorker. Now you can do it earlier. 
Even if you stay in New York, retire now. You will make more money not working.
Historical Note: Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move Israel. A much better job than the Jewish Agency. We have to thank the Jew haters. Nothing does more for Aliyah than violence against Jews. And a true Mamish anti-Semite running New York, there’s no greater Bracha.

Make Aliyah. That was a joke. What kind of fool would do that. Of course, I meant move to Florida.
I'm sure Essen Hollywood New York Florida Deli will be good.

Boy. I love Jew haters. It's hard to get out of loving the free stuff. I'm going to join all those protests where people wear a mask. If I get off on rent, I am leading the anti-Israel movement. From the Statue of Liberty to Brooklyn New York will be free.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.

Announcements
We have decided to change the Congregants on Patrol Security Force (CPSF) to a greeting committee. It has come to our attention that people are not scared of Eileen and Ethel.
 
There are a lot of depressed people at shul. We figure, with the help of CPSF task force and less Davening, people will be happier. To help with this goal of happier people, we’re hoping Ira doesn’t show to shul anymore.
 
The Kiddish cookies and egg salad are disgusting. Just want to let everybody know, your complaints have been heard, and Tova Bracha is not coming to shul anymore.
 
We want to thank Joe for showing up to daily Minyin. We hope your presence has helped you get more plumbing work.
Joe is a great plumber and he paid his membership dues.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Sakant Nifashot and The Importance In Being In Good Enough Shape to Walk to Work Security- Why Ethel May Not Scare an Intruder. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha- The Great Mitzvah to Be Happy And Why It's Important For the Rabbi to Not Have to See the Membership. How to Chase Members Away- The Result of Honest Feedback. How to Get Business By Showing Up to Shul- Our Funeral Director Who Belongs to Every Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lech Lecha... No Martin. Leave for me. Leave shul for me...

Avraham hears about Lot being taken captive and he goes in. Right away. He goes. He doesn’t think about. He doesn’t have a committee meeting... Because then Lot would’ve died. If the committee met about it, he would've died.
(Bereishit 20:14) “And Avraham heard that his kinsman was taken captive, and he armed his disciples..."
You guys could care less. When Mark was stuck in the bathroom, you all went home. Abandoned him. When Eugene was in the hospital, what did you do? Nothing... Who here thought to arm themselves and rescue him??? Health concerns is not the point here, Bernie. The point is he was in a bed with no Kosher food... He passed away from a, Bernie. And he was a hundred and three...
You don't even think. You guys discuss stuff. But when do you take action?!

Three hundred and eighteen “disciples who had been born his house.” He took them to battle. They didn’t complain. They weren’t congregants. They were disciples... I want disciples. People that are enjoyable to be around.
When it comes to family you run. You do it. You don’t question if we have enough. It's our duty. It's our duty to help... Doing your kid's homework is your duty. That's how they get good grades... And the kids complain when you ask them to take out the trash.
Only three hundred and eighteen... I didn’t say it was a Yeshiva. If he was a Yeshiva he would’ve made other people go to battle for him.

Three hundred and eighteen. That's it. It’s not the numbers. It’s the quality. It’s the heart. Yes. We’ve lost a lot of our membership, because people don’t want to be around you, but where is the heart?!
Heart comes from Avraham, their leader as well. (Bereishit 20:16) “And he returned all the possessions.” All the spoils. He didn't want anything for himself. He was on a mission... What have I gotten from this congregation? Tzaris. 
It was pure. It was of heart... Because they were disciples, they followed their leader. If they were congregants, they would've fired Avraham.

Sometimes you just have to do. And to be inspired to help, you need heart. A pure heart. A heart that says, "I just want to do a Mitzvah"... In your case, Sheloh Lishma Bah Lishma. Just do it because you don't want to, and you might end up being a good person in the end...

Our security team thinks a lot. They see somebody coming to shul. They ask questions. You're not helping the situation. You're making people late for Davening... Sometimes you have to act. When it’s serious, like Malkie pulling Freida’s hair, you jump in and act. And you give back the hair that was Freida’s... You don’t take it as spoils.

You need ability too... That's just a side point. 
Our security team has a lot of heart. No idea what they’re doing, But a lot of heart... You need to be able to move to do security... Ethel. If people can run away, what is the help?!... Your hand shakes when you hold a gun.
What is Eileen going to do in security??? Ask people about their kids? "Where are you from? Who are you visiting? What do you do for a living? Do you need a Shidduch?"... Are you trying to protect the single people from Chaim hitting on them?!...

As greeters, it all makes sense. You should be a Greeter Task Force. The questions are nice questions. It makes the person feel cared for... Without Eileen, I would've said we're an unfriendly shul...
From now on, our Congregants on Patrol Security Force will be there to make people feel welcome... Because the rest of you are depressed and not friendly. You're the least friendly people. Even our security person is nicer to talk to... People feel more welcome in our shul when they're being accused of being terrorists...

You all are depressed. No smiles. CPSF will enforce smiling... Heart. Doing for others. Smiling for others. Thinking of others. 
They’ll also make sure Ira doesn’t talk to you... Talking is important, but not during Davening, Fran... And not during my speech Bernie.
Talking should be done at Kiddish. Where people can't get a decent egg salad anymore.

Here is the security idea. Keep out depressed people. Keep out congregants... It takes heart to smile. To fight the war against our unfriendly congregants...
Eileen is fighting for friendliness. That's a worthwhile fight. We have to join her to help get rid of the shul's president...
Davening is not the problem. You can be happy Davening. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha. It's a great Mitzvah to be happy... I understand it's hard when you have a Chazan leading Davening with too much Kavanah... Your connection to Gd through prayer takes too long for us. The tunes are bad enough. Now, you're concentrating on the words!...
Just show up late, Ira. How about that. Just show for Kiddish. Everybody will be happier... And he's still talking. Talking in shul is not right, Ira...

You all come to me with questions... And yes, I do answer them right away. Have I ever done research to help you get an answer? No. Because I want you to have an answer right away. And when Ira asked me if he should come to shul, I said "no." Right away. When the board asked if they should make a decision, I said "no." Right away... It doesn't make a difference. Any decision they make is bad...
You come to me with questions, I answer them. You want to know, who's a good plumber. Use Joe. He shows up to Minyin.
Joe is a good guy. SheLoh Lishma Ba Lishma... Don't judge. You’re not even doing Mitzvot for your own benefit... I get it. You come to Minyin to get a job...

Don’t complain to me about Kiddish. I agree. I’m just happy less people want to stay after shul. The eggs and Danish are disgusting... Tova Bracha's eggs are disgusting. If she can't stand hearing it, that's on her.
And Avraham wanted nothing for himself. He was a giver. He wanted people to be happy. That's what givers do. They jump up to help people. They take pride in their egg salad. They put a little garlic and mayonnaise in it... And we need to help people with decent Kiddishes and smiles. We need more giving to make people feel good. We need Eileen asking questions about their felonious past as single people.
Avraham even gave Malchitzedek Mayser. He tithed his own stuff to Malchitzedek (Bereishit 14:20-24)... Pay your dues. For crying out sake...

Jump in. Get that heart moving. Maybe even get some exercise.
And when you are there. When you are battling, make sure it’s pure. Make sure you’re doing it for the right intentions. Make sure you're thinking of others when you're putting together the salads for Kiddish. And make sure they're not bland...
As a giver, as somebody who does Mitzvahs, Avraham doesn’t deny others a decent Kiddish.

When it's from the heart, you do. You do it for others. You sacrifice for your family. And you live a life of duty. You put your life on the line. You put together a good Kiddish spread... Our security team will not defend anybody at war. They will stay home and relax. For everybody's safety...

Avraham was magnanimous in his act of going to battle. Just like a good Kiddish spread. Just like Eileen asking if you're a felon... Eileen and Ethel taking military action is not a good idea. CPSF has got to calm down. For everybody's safety...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi answers questions from the congregants right away. Like Avraham, running to save Lot. He does no research. He just answers them. No thought. Like Avraham, he's trying to get rid of the Reshaim, the evil people. The congregants.
The rabbi wants disciples. Not congregants. He was talking about opening a Chabad for people who are against Chabad. He likes the idea of people following him, and not asking why he gets to show up late for Davening.
 
How Kiddish is on par with Avraham going to battle to save Lot?! I am trying to understand that part of the sermon. Nonetheless, the message was very meaningful.

In the end, the rabbi put the security team on Mitzvah patrol. He realizes Eileen and Ethel are talented at what they do. Now, if you don’t keep Mitzvahs or if you show up to shul late, they will nag you.
They've decided to stick with the acronym, as it brings more of a philanthropic tone to what they are doing. CPSF sounds like they’re raising money for kids starving in Africa.

I'm not going to lie. Eileen and Ethel as security officers scared me. And it was a committee decision. That's what happens when committees are put in charge of decisions. The ones running it end up making decisions. And those decisions are that they can do stuff. For some reason, they can do stuff nobody would ever hire them for.
The rabbi stepped in with a Psak, and not having Ethel guard the shul was the correct Halachik thing to do. I’m happy about the new idea of having people around who can take security measures when they’re needed. Our congregational team of security people with yelling abilities didn't have me feeling safe. "PLEASE DO NOT ATTACK!!!" That was what we learned in the security course.

I must say, CPSF did have one tricky move. Last week they got friendly with somebody who was trying out the shul. They followed that lady around all day, to make sure she wouldn't steal a Siddur. I've never seen such friendly people before.
I guess they figured that they've chased away a lot of people with conversations during Kiddish. If a terrorist had to deal with the nagging, they would surrender of themselves. Possibly kill themselves, just to get out of the conversation about every single grandchild of Bernice. You use your strengths.
At Kiddish security sat at table with our visitor, who made it clear she was from the other synagogue. Once we found out she was from another synagogue, questions of treason and imposter came up. They asked, "Why would anybody try out our synagogue?" Exactly. An excellent question, which I cannot answer.
Once they found out the visitor was from another shul, they went back to being not friendly and ignoring her. Treating her like everybody else.
The lady from the other shul pulled out her phone. CPSF got on that heinous act. Walkie talkies were going off, "She's got a phone." 
Now they’re helping with depression. And now I have to talk to Eileen every time I go to shul. Eileen has never said Hi to me once in her life, until she became the security person. Now she knows about my grandkids.

Ira is a good guy. But I understand that people don't like to see him. It's weird. If you're part of the shul in-crowd and you're annoying, you're loved. If you're Ira and you show up to shul, and you ask if a seat is open, they hate you and want you ousted from the congregation.
Ira has never been invited to anything. I'm beginning to think I'm in a community full of jerks. Jerks who are nice when they think you're going to attack them.

For happiness reasons, the rabbi actually told people not to come to shul. He felt it would be a happier shul if people just didn’t show. It would be less depressing. To quote, "If the members of this place didn't show, I would find joy in that."

“Cookies and egg salad at Kiddish are not good.” The sisterhood got the message, and Tova Bracha quit the sisterhood. B"H. The cookies at Kiddish are now good. And Latkas Bakery got the message too. They’re now charging the shul twice as much.
Complaint from complainer was heard. B”H. I'm happy. And if Tova Bracha never does Kiddish again, I will be happier.
Lesson: Complain about something and you will lose a congregant.

The rabbi never used Joe, but he knows he’s an excellent plumber because he shows up to Minyin. Turns our Joe paid his dues on condition he gets the announcement about paying the dues.
He only started wearing a Kippah two months ago, so that the membership would think he's honest. He saw our Bahai garage guy wearing a Kippah. That mechanic’s business shot up. Every Christian started using him. "We hate Jews, but we can trust them."
A Kippah and shul membership gains trust. I’m going to tell my tailor to start wearing one. I’m starting to think she’s not cutting my clothes right.

Our funeral director does belong to every shul. I'm amazed at how many people come to shul just to get work. And the rabbi supports it. It's the one thing the rabbi supports. He wants a Minyin no matter what. He even gave a speech about how back in the times of the Gemara the water drawers had their own Minyin. So, Minyin is really about business. Which is why people give very little Tzedakah at Minyin. In our shul, the most they give to charity is a dollar. You give more than that, you might walk out of Minyin without a job and down two dollars. Sometimes they give a ten, just because they need the change. They also took the water drawing lesson quite seriously and started doing the Netilat Yadaim, ritual washing, Halachikly correctly, using the full pitcher cups.
Joe comes for plumbing jobs. Shirel comes to give haircuts. Thank Gd the rabbi hasn't allowed for haircuts in the sanctuary. I show up to shul to see my doctor. When I get seen at shul there's no copay.

Let us not blame the Charedim, ultra-Orthodox Jews of Israel, for not wanting to do the army. It’s understandable. You can’t truly focus on Gemara Daf Yomi when you're getting shot at. And we all know that Dati Leumi, religious Zionist Jews, don’t really learn Torah. Which is why it's fine for them to serve. This is why they actually want to serve. Because they’re not learning Torah.
I will call Haredim "Charedim," because I like to spell Hebrew words in a way they can't be pronounced. Point is, I want to help the Charedi community find their way into the service of our Midina, Israel. Here are ways Charedim can serve.

Let Rabbis Run the Army
Charedim follow rabbis. Nobody cares what the general says. If the general doesn’t have Das Torah, nobody is doing pushups. And Yair Lapid is not a rabbi. Though he gives Halachik rulings, and makes decisions for religious Jews.
They need Das Torah. If Das Torah said to do the army, every Charedi Yeshiva Bachur would be happy to never learn Torah again.
Rabbis running the army is good also for relations. Any military action the world condemns, will be met by Rav Dovid Levy. You get the Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevezh out there as army spokesman, it will be accepted. It's a Psak. You can't argue a Torah decree.

Charedim are Great Soldiers
They listen. If the rebbe says it, they listen.
Charedim are in shape. I’ve never seen people walk so fast. I don't know if it's Shabbis training or Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, rushing to do a Mitzvah, but they fly. Can’t explain it. They glide with the power of Gd. So fast. They don't run. They walk. I would put a Charedi walking up against any Chiloni running. Charedi will win. Point is, they don’t work out, but they’re good walkers. And good walkers make good soldiers.
They’re very good at climbing. At the protest yesterday, they were on gas stations, light poles, highway exit sign gantries.
And camouflage. The Bekishe is perfect for urban warfare.
And many Charedim already smoke. They’re ready to serve in the IDF.
I ask my Charedi friends to really think about it. You’ve got it in you to serve the country.

National Guard
You can't say Nachal Charedi is Charedi, unless if you're a Charedi guy who's looking for a Shidduch with a woman commander in pants. Tight pants. Which they are. If the Satmar Rebbe would just find such Shidduchim for the young men, he would make his people happy.
National Guard will be theirs to run. They will protect the homes with Mezuzahs. That’s how you protect a home. Mezuzahs and a chandelier. Without a chandelier your home is not religious. It’s not a written commandment, but Frum homes need a chandelier.

Guard the Religious Sites
Have them in charge of holy sites. There will be no more arguments. They wouldn't let anybody in until Mashiach came.

A Shalom Peace Corps
So many ways to help the Midina. Serve the country by standing in the shuk and asking shopkeepers to stop yelling. “No reason to scream 'two shekels.' If they want apples they will see the sign.”
They can also hold the stop signs for kids leaving school. Why a six-year-old is directing traffic is beyond me. It's just another cause for internal conflict.
They can make the beaches safer by getting people to wear clothes. Nobody needs to see the eighty-three-year-olds in underwear. It's about Shalom.
The Shalom Corps will let people at the supermarket know it's rude to ask me to watch their cart and save their spot on line while they go shopping. That is for me. I’m getting very frustrated.
And they can help people build Sukkahs. That’s where the Shalom Peace Corps’ construction abilities stop. Sukkahs. Our peace corps is run by religious Jews. Don't ask us to build something that lasts longer than a week. We'll help the poor people get by till next Shabbis.

Educate People How to Protest
Charedim show up for that stuff. They had around 500k at that protest on Thursday.
You’ve got to treat it like a funeral. Funerals are a big draw. You go to a funeral, you stand on a light pole. However they do it, my Charedi brothers know how to organize.
Charedim have protesting down. And they do that thing where they lay down on the street. They know how to stop traffic. With their protest abilities they could've blockaded Hamas and stopped flow of supplies in a minute.

Let Them Run the Mossad
Charedim have a secret underground network of information. How do so many show up for these protests? They know how to network. You need to find a decent doctor, get in with the Charedim.
Charedim should be doing the undercover Mossad stuff. Get some Ger guys. Big guys, so might be noticeable. Take a chance. Some shtreimels are a little smaller. You can probably go undercover with those.

Warriors of H' Brigade
A grown man Tzivos H’. Tzivos H’ is the Frum brigade’s ROTC. We need Mitzvahs spread, and the Warriors of H’ brigade can do that.
The Kiruv unit will be there to bring people closer to Yiddishkeit, by throwing rocks at Jews not keeping Shabbis.
Tefillin unit, run by Chabad guys- as they’ve mastered Tefillin wrapping, will make sure there are Tefillin on every Jew. Start wrapping Tefillin on the anti-Israel Arab population, they will run. They will get as far away from Israel as possible.
Tefillah unit, praying when in battle. They will say Tehillim. Every religious Jew knows Psalms is how you win a war. I don’t know any Jewish mother in America who thinks their Tehillim is not the reason Israel was saved.
Did you see the rally yesterday? The amount of Kavanah, connection and intent on those prayers. They were meditating, and crying to Gd. Gd had to answer those prayers. If they concentrated their Tefillah on the lives of those going to war, we would win in a second.

Sheirut Leumi, National Service, won’t happen. You can’t learn Torah when helping the elderly. Acts of kindness, Chesed, is paramount to being a good Jew, unless if helping Jews. If doing Chesed is serving the country, it's forbidden. Other than that, your life should be only about doing Chesed. The problem is doing Mitzvahs for Israel. You’re not supposed to help.
Respecting your elders is a Mitzvah. Again, Mivatel Torah. Wasting time from Torah. You're supposed to learn about the Mitzvahs. You're not supposed to do them.
 
I hope this helps. I think this plan can work. We just need a rebbe’s Haskama letter.
Let the Charedi community run the army. Rules will be followed. And if you don't follow the law, you'll be put in Charim. Excommunication is a form of imprisonment nobody wants. You find people not keeping the law, they have to get a job and wear jeans.
 
Come to think of it, you can learn Daf Yomi. They have those podcasts. Some listen to Rage Against the Machine when they go out to war. There is no problem with our Chayalim listening to Baba Basra and Zevachim at double speed. I'll bet that's what those Dati Leumi heretics do with their smartphones. 

Title:   Gazawood
 
Genre: Benny Hill meets M.A.S.H. in Gaza
                         Reality Series for Streaming Services. So that people have access
                         even if their government will murder them.
 
Log-line: Town of Gazans in Gaza. All are Hamas and Palestinian Authority Terrorists. Telling the world Israel has killed every Gazan, and somehow, they are alive, all is caught on camera.

SYNOPSIS
Any scene from Gaza works. It's funny. We take the scene and add Benny Hill music to it. Episodes are five minute and they all end with a chase in circles to the Benny Hill theme song.
Every show leads in with kids playing and cheering, "Kill the Jews," to Hamas Barney TV show songs of education. Song goes, "Brushing my teeth on top. It's so much fun that I don't want to stop. Cause when I'm brushing my teeth and having so much fun, I shoot the Jews with my gun." And kids cheer. And parents Schepp Nachis.

EPISODES
Episode 1 - Funeral Goes Wrong Because the Guy Is Alive
Funeral is taking place on road. Professional videographers are on the scene taking footage of the funeral. The dead person is in shrouds, under a cover, being carried to their funeral on a stretcher. A sign on the stretcher reads, "Israel killed me." A helicopter passes above. The videographers drop their cameras and start running. The people holding the deathbed drop it and start running. Camera is fixed on dropped deathbed. Guy lifts sheet, jumps out of deathbed, with Nikes and jeans. Benny Hill theme music comes on. He looks both ways and starts running after the videographers and the people who dropped him, along with the funeral attendees, waving his shrouds at everybody.
End of episode. Same guy dies again and picks up the sheet he is covered in at his funeral. He says, "This was my fifth time dying. Why can't I get a better role." He looks both ways and starts running again, to the Benny Hill music.
The BBC reports the Jews kill another innocent man. Death toll is up to fifteen million Gazans.

Episode 2 - Terrorists Are Warned There Are Terrorists in Their Homes
We see the local Gazans going into their homes. Pamphlets are dropped from the sky to warn them that there is a terrorist in their homes. On their phones, they read, "mass murders in your building." They look at each other weird, to see who is the other terrorist. Everybody starts running out of building with rockets, guns, and RPGs, including women and children. All wearing masks. Some masks read Hamas, some say PA. They start chasing each other outside. Benny Hill music comes on as they are chase. They put down their weapons in peace and start throwing rocks at each other. Some of the stones are huge.
Peace is made, as they all hug, with brotherly conversations of "You're a terrorist too?!" And then they execute each other, and the crowd of Gazans cheers and runs in excitement and joy to their people being executed by their own people, to Benny Hill theme song. 
They set up cameras to video the building blowing up. Camera catches building blowing up. Woman walks in front of camera and says, "They justa killed me." And then they all start running again.

Episode 3 - Sinwar Out of Hiding
Sinwar is dressed in burqa with full hijab as woman with a beard. Crossdressing in rundown apartment that has been through war, he turns to camera with stunned look. The classic Benny Hill dressed as a woman sketch.
Sinwar then tries to avoid being seen by the person taking the video, which catches it all. He and the people around him start running to Benny Hill music.

Episode 4 - The Missile Goes the Wrong Way
Everybody is relaxing in homes. Men take off their Hamas masks, and are playing backgammon on wooden boards. Women are seen taking off their burqas, relaxing over baklava for Middle Eastern tea time.
Outside Hamas guys crawl out of the ground from under a postpartum unit of a birthing hospital. In the unit, people are watching children's shows with little Hamas kids saying "kill the Jews." They take aim at Tel Aviv with a missile. They are excited to shoot the missile. A little baby in Hamas mask gives a thumbs up to the Hamas guys threw a window.  
Missile goes the wrong way into a building. Everybody runs out of the building. Benny Hill theme song is playing. Some women end up running out of a building without their burqas. Hamas guys in building run out with their masks in hand, waving them. Everybody is chasing the Hamas guys who shot the missile. The people who got killed in the earlier episode are running out of the building.
News report reads, "Israel genocide of Gaza births more babies. Gazan population grows thanks to Israeli genocide."

Episode 5 - The Starving People
Everybody is starving. Protesters from everywhere show up with signs reading "people are hungry," while they are enjoying a barbeque.
Hamas guys are seen taking the food from the food disbursement sites, and running away with it. Hamas guys are in huge warehouse of food, eating lavish meal at table, along with all the people who are "starving." The starving people are well overweight. With pitas all over and "starving" people gorging on humus and chopped meat, they all see a video camera come in with a news anchor from CNN. They can't kill the guy, because he supports them. They look up at the camera, shocked. They start running. Benny Hill music comes on. Everybody is chasing the news people with guns. Then they all end up at the food support center, chasing a Jew who is trying to feed the Gazans. To Benny Hill theme, CNN reports Jews are creating a famine and starving the people of Gaza.

Episode 6 - Dead Body Found in Rubble
Funeral being videoed by Pallywood videographers. We see the outtakes. Everybody is laughing, as the dead guy lifts his sheet. Benny Hill music comes on and they run to funeral and drop the guy.
Next, they take a body in shrouds out of a building, bury it with a bulldozer. They are coaching each other on how to make it look like it was really buried. So, they put a bunch of dirt on it. One says, "Dis good." Red Cross gives thumbs up. The leader says, "Get the shovels. Now we dig it up." The guy with shovel says, "We barely covered the body. I just pull it out." Leader responds, "No. We dig. It show we had him buried." The guy takes one shovel of dirt and that puts down the shovel and lifts the body.
Whole Red Cross team there. Drone camera from above catches them all in the act. The whole thing. They all look up. They scream, "Oh. Sheet." Which is a four letter word in the Middle East. They start running to Benny Hill music. Some are carrying the dead body. And then they drop it. And the dead body starts running.
Red Cross guy on TV says, "We saw nothing." Hamas guys are saying, "We respect the dead. It's part of our religious duty." Middle of interview, Benny Hill music comes on and they all start running in circles, chasing each other.

***For show to work we need rights to the Benny Hill theme song.

Announcements
Winter is coming. We ask people stop coughing again. Samantha coughed the other day. She shouldn’t have. She was wrong for trying to kill everybody. She’s evil. If she ever sneezes, she belongs in Gehenim.
 
People can come back to shul. The holidays are over. There will be no appeals. The shul has given up. We’re going to pray that the congregants at least pay dues. H’ Yishmor. Gd should protect us from our board and renovations.
 
Many people have complained about the Grossmans’ family last week. They hosted the relatives, and the cousins didn’t bring gifts. We want to let everybody know that the Grossmans did give bags of stuff for you to give to their guests that were staying at your homes. That is considered a gift.
 
You missed the Simcha last week. If you didn’t see it in the announcements, it wasn’t there. You missed the celebration.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Cough on People and Feel Fine About It - A Congregation With No Manners. The History of The Hidden Families Who Are Not Seen at Shul - The Hidden Jews of Appeals. What to Expect From Your Guests and The Torah Mitzvah of Hosting People to Get a Bottle of Wine. How To Miss a Simcha With Our Office Staff - A Series in More Announcements They Forgot.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We ruined the world, but Gd orders us to go back and work it... We’re descendants of Noach. And the board has ruined the shul...

After being on the ark for a year, the land is dry and Noach is told to leave the ark. (Bereishit 8:16) H’ tells Noach, “Leave from the ark. You and your wife and your sons and your sons’ wives with you.” Sometimes we have to be told to go out. Leave... No. I mean it. Bernie. You are a disturbance. Every sermon, you talk. Leave...
When you go from the ark, you have to take your wife with you. I think we all understand that Noach might have wanted to run from the kids. Those things can ruin a vacation. Having to deal with them on a ship for that long...
H' had to make it clear to go from the ark. Noach knew what he had to do. H' told him. He had to leave the ark. Mitzvahs are easy. H' tells you what to do. You keep Shabbat... If you believe and are not a heretic like Gideon, it's easy. But when you all come to me with questions like, "Can I at least go on a little trip on Shabbis?" No. You can't. It's Shabbat. It's easy. When you're not trying to weasel your way out...
Only thing complicated is the president of the board. You take direction from her and you're stuck asking what the... Shul is easy. You have an ark, an Aron. That's the command. A Bima... Your ideas ruining shul renovations. You're renovating quilts.
Things aren't clear when you put your "personal touch" touch on it. Because you're selfish.

The land was dry. Noach could've figured it out. It's dry, you can go outside. It wasn't Topeka in the fall. Why didn’t he just go outside?... It was a year. He was used to being inside. Have you seen the pale members of this shul? Been inside for two hours and this is how they look.
We have to be told to go out. Children have to go outside sometimes, or they get chubby like the junior congregants... Paper football is not a way to keep in shape... You don't run in paper football. It's football with a paper towel... When we're stuck. We lose a sense of clarity. We have to be told. And this is why I am telling Bernie to leave... B"H. He let.

Elokim is used here to tell Noach to leave. Elokim, Gd, in his aspect of judgment tells us to leave the ark. Sternness. We need a push. You get stuck. After more than a year of hardship and catastrophe what do you do? After a year of seeing how much renovations can kill a decent looking shul. How much damage a committee can do. You leave that place and you start anew... I am proposing to get out of here, because this place isn’t safe anymore. The committee has ruined the structure of the building... I don't trust Fran and Duvidel with decisions of construction... Duvidel ruined the Sukkah when he touched the screwdriver. He just touched the screwdriver and the Sukkah fell. Didn't even use the screwdriver. His being around tools breaks things...
The foundation of our shul is compromised... I understand you've worked in foundations. But we are not asking donors to reinforce the concrete...

Haamek Davar teaches that to leave the ark, it is the Elokim, Gd who created nature. Not just Gd of judgment. It is Gd who rules over nature.
Gd's aspect of judgement created nature, because it needs order. It needs understanding. It needs people that are not part of our shul to run it right... We must outsource all committees. From now on, all shul committees will be outsourced to non-shul members...
Creativity comes once we first have the sternness. 

We have to be told to work nature. Told to bring out the animals. When overcoming trauma, we need a little push. A promising push. And now that we're overcoming the board, I am giving a little push.
We need a push. We need to be told it's fine to go... And be the ones to take out the animals. We need to be told to have compassion. When we are finally out in nature, we need compassion to continue it. We have to bring the animals with us...
We have to follow in Gd’s ways.

We are now told to come together. To not hurt one another. To not kill. The youth of our shul have to hear this. I have never seen such violent paper football...
People have feared coughing since COVID. You need to be told you can cough. I shall say it. You can cough!
Some of you haven’t coughed in years. You should all be thanking Samantha. Her Yom Kippur cough open the floodgates of COVID. You heard here cough and you started hacking away. Sneezes... All afraid of being deemed evil for sneezing. Now you sneeze... Thanks to Samantha for letting us know, it’s fine...
All afraid of being evil and getting others sick. Shlomo sneezed in his mask. Disgusting Shlomo. Leave the mask...
I for one am happy COVID is over.
Cough deprived. Menachem held it in for 5 years. People haven't been able to chuch without being kicked out of shul. For years. We're here to tell you it's fine. Samantha did the Chesed of letting us know you can chuch... Loudest chuch I've ever heard. Five years of chuching. Now Merv can finally turn a page... He needs to chuch to get out the spittle, so he has the stickiness to turn the page. If I have to explain...
Masks came off, all the sudden these people aged five years. In my shul that's twenty.  You guys look twenty years older. You are being told. "Leave the mask"... You are leaving the masks uglier than I remember them. You guys look better when I can just see the eyes...
Due to Samantha's Chesed and my telling you to leave, you can finally be kind again and visit the sick. Till now, the COVID protocol of Chesed was to stay away from the sick and let them die...
If for nothing. Thank you, Samantha, for giving us that moment of relief. Even if the Finkelwitzs think you're evil for having allergies... And once the masks came off, one or two of you even smiled. Disturbing. But it was a relief.

You can come to shul now. This is something you can do...
I thought nobody came to shul for the holidays because you were worried about appeals. The shul is just full of bad Jews who don't show... I didn’t even do appeals this year... You still haven’t given your appeals from last year.

Once you're out in the world, going to shul, you have to act right.
You have to give a gift for meals. You go to a house, you give a gift so people don’t complain... A bottle of Manischewitz doesn't suffice...
The big questions is, “Do you have to give a gift when crashing at somebody's home for a Simcha???” I have no idea how to answer that... They did you a favor, but they don't know you... I agree. The favor was for the Grossmans. Nobody knows their cousins from Ottawa.
It’s on the Grossmans. It was their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah...
It’s a Chutzpah for the shul to get involved. They didn’t even announce the Bat Mitzvah. It shouldn't have been in the announcements... However, the Grossmans didn’t even give one of those little paper bags... Henry. You have to give a little paper bag with handles. What you put in it is not important. A paper bag with handles and flimsy scrunchy paper... Yes. The flimsy scrunchy paper needs to be a color!!!  
We're not talking about the Finkelmans now... They did give you a gift. I know they came over for dinner and they gave you wine. A bottle of wine is a gift? Is it not?... It wasn't Manischewitz... Manischewitz peach wine?! That's better than wine. That suffices. That's value. They don't even make that anymore... How much do you need to spend on a gift? What do you expect? There is no end...  I don't care if they bought it. Our board put up a quilt Sarah Malkah messed up and said it was valuable... They should've coughed on you.
And stop going off on the Grossmans. Are they supposed to do renovations on your kitchen for hosting the mother’s sister?!... 
I am trying to help you all become decent people, but it is hard.

Gd has compassion. He smells Noach’s offering and has compassion. Right after the flood, H' is compassionate. (Bereishit 8:21) Because we are bad from our childhood. “Man’s heart is evil from its youth.” Like the kids of our shul.
H' realizes that the only way to deal with these evil people is to be compassionate. 
Again. We must follow in H's ways for this world to exist... H' would've been fine hosting without receiving a gift. It's called Hachnasat Orchim... Having guests is the Mitzvah. It's clear. Giving gifts is not clear. Hence, people don't want you as a guest, Bernie. Why is he back?!

Chamas. Robbery. This is why H’ wanted to destroy the world. It was destroyed already. They didn't have compassion on each other. The world can't exist like this. You rob people of life. You rob people of coughing. You rob people of wanting to come to shul. You rob people of enjoying a good brisket at your home... Because you invite them to bring you schnapps... How do you enjoy yourself as a guest when you paid more than the what you're getting out of the meal... Enjoyment as a guest is a mathematical equation. You subtract the retail price of the gift from what you ate at the meal. If the cost of your guest is within ten dollars of what you ate, you got ripped off... There have been meals where I overstuffed myself, so that hosts could get the Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim. If I paid forty dollars for a bottle of whiskey, I have to eat a lot of brisket and kugel. Otherwise, the host is going to Gehenim... Hachnasat Orchim is beautiful, but you people mess it up. You turn having guests into an Aveirah.

Thank you for owning the fact that the board ruined another Simcha. Thank you for letting us know we missed out on another Kiddish, because the Grossman Bat Mitzvah was not in the announcements last week…
It was a Bat Mitzvah. If it was a Bar Mitzvah, nobody would've wanted to be there. Do you really want to be at those things? Do you want to hear those kids Layn?... It’s better to not know. To have to listen to that kid messing up the Torah reading...

Like the people in the time of Noach. You have brought down society. You make Simchas not enjoyable. Celebrations with you causes hatred and violence... Simchas don’t cause hatred and violence?! Did you see what happened to the Gabai when he called up the wrong uncle up for an Aliyah?!

After we have the clarity of what to do, we need to do it with compassion. Push yourself out to the world. And when you’re there, have compassion. Don't bother your rabbi when he's trying to relax in his office with peach Manischewitz...
Go out. Work a little. Do something decent. Be useful, unlike Katherine, who still hasn't coughed since COVID. Don’t eat the blood of people, like the board who are a bunch of parasites...  How do you celebrate when you have a board? I want to apologize to the Grossmans.
It takes acceptance. We have to accept people suck...

I have given up on you doing what's right. On you being decent people.
We need compassion. That's the lesson. With a membership like we have. With a board and renovation committee that let you down. The only way for us to continue is through compassion.

My Bat Mitzvah from last week. We're proud of you. If you're still here. Get out there. Take a chance with these people who don't give gifts and don't pay dues. Invite them for dinner. They'll be bad conversation. Don't fear. You can't mess up more than our congregants.
Take that screwdriver. No matter how many generations of messed up trauma and parents telling us we are Jews, we have to push ourselves out to have that confidence... Don't use the screwdriver on Shabbat. It's Muktzah...
Just look at the kids of this shul. Issues. They have issues. And we have to have compassion... 
Without compassion you just want to hurt them...

Rivka's Rundown
After much convincing that the building won't collapse, even though Fran is in charge of construction, the rabbi allowed us to keep the shul. 
In his argument for a better world, and H' not destroying it, the rabbi talked of how it is forbidden for members of our shul to make decisions. Our members involved in anything is bad. I think that's what the rabbi was saying. That is the clear message from Gd in the Parsha.
The rabbi started outsourcing everything. He outsourced the board to the church. He outsourced the building committee to what he said are builders. It turns out it was just nonJews, and a guy who knew immigrants.

That no coughing announcement was crazy. The board is crazy. I think it was a committee decision. The shul still has a COVID Committee. It’s an alliteration so they think it’s a program.
I am getting sick of the left-wing members. I want to be around right-wing people who are fine getting other people sick.

I think the rabbi was telling the congregants it's fine to go out from the shul. It's fine to leave the shul. It's fine to not be members anymore. He wants them gone.

The rabbi almost got fired for saying COVID is over. Some of the Jews had no idea what to do, without a cause that made them better than you. They needed a new cause. One or two defected, went to New York and joined a campaign to vote for Mamdani.
People were thanking Samantha. Opened up the floodgates of COVID for everybody. We're just happy for Menachem, who's now allowed to finally cough in his house. After five years of no coughing and sneezing, he owes Samantha a thank you.
The rabbi is correct though. The membership is a lot uglier with masks off. There is something to the niqab. If the singles in our shul went with that style when dating, they'd have 

Truth is the shul just gave up. They didn't even do a Yizkur appeal this year. They know nobody will give anything.
Everybody’s given up. Even the fundraising committee has given up on fundraising. When a committee says they’re not going to meet, there’s a problem. These are people who have nothing to do. The committee is all they have. It's got to be a day of not wanting to bother the rabbi for them to give up.
The fundraising committee hasn’t even paid their dues.

Arguments as to what gifts are necessary from a guest has taken over the community discussion this week. Israel has not been mentioned once. I think our community is more worried about a bottle of alcohol than Israel. At least if they have to purchase it. And not one member of our community has ever brought a bottle of Sabra liqueur for a dinner. The lack of Israel support is almost as bad as their lack of support for shul.
The board has decided that when you visit for a Shabbat dinner, you have to bring more than one bottle of wine. This is the Manischewitz Rule. Due to the worry that our members will go Manischewitz on gift cost, the two-bottle rule is there.
When crashing at somebody’s house, you don’t have to bring anything. The Baalei SImcha do, as they're the ones who have the guests coming in from out of town for the Simcha. The conclusion is the community is doing the Baalei Simcha a favor. The family guests coming to town are Simcha bystanders. It's not their fault the girl is having a Bat Mitzvah.

Expecting gifts is crazy. I don’t want anybody to bring anything. Just themselves.
The Frum people say to bring nothing for dinner. They’re worried we’ll Treif up the kitchen
With this whole gift discussion, I don't want to be a guest anymore. I'm going to start staying in hotels. It's cheaper. And I will make it a point to not tip them.

Due to the rabbi not wanting the board to make a decision, because it will lead to disaster, the rabbi came up with Takana Gifts. When you're a guest, you can only give a gift up to ten dollars. This is the decree. 
Now people want to be guests again. And nobody wants to have guests. No more Hachnasat Orchim. It follows the idea of Takana weddings, where the families running the Simchas only pay up to forty dollars a head, and nobody wants to show, because they know the brisket will be dry. And they will skimp on the pigs-in-a-blanket. The idea is that now all Simchas cost less, and nobody comes. The true idea is to figure out a way for people to not want to be at these parties. Nobody likes them. They just want to go, smile for two minutes. Let the Chatan and Kalah know they were there. They want to hear that they don't have to give a gift. It's really about getting out of gifts. The rabbi is right. And in our shul, it's also about not wanting to see people.

The Stuff That Our Announcements Missed class turned into a list of stuff they forgot to announce. High Holiday seats were forgot. The shul softball team tryouts were forgot, for the better. Danny's eightieth birthday. You don't miss an eightieth. You can miss a wedding. Not an eightieth. People here an eightieth and they get a warm feeling of love in their heart. They hear about a wedding and they're trying to figure out "how?!"
And you don't announce it when it's a woman's eightieth. Very complicated what to do in that situation. You just celebrate. Call it a Bat Mitzvah.
I am fine with them missing the announcements. There's too much celebrating. I like hearing when I missed a Simcha. 

There were a lot of chuchs in the class. The board called off Minyin, as there were worried somebody would catch COVID from a chuch.

Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered.

Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace.
 
The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. 

Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. They all agreed that's not a good way to continue Hamas.

Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day.

Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. 
Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.”
Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel.
And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews.

Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace.
 
Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!”

Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this."
 
Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. 
That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody."

Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too.
Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor.
The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on.
How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide.

Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming.
 
There are New York Jews who want to vote who hates Jews and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish.

Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate.
My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide.
For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to.
Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement.

Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education.
 
All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace."
 
Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime.
When it comes to taking a terrorist as a prisoner and feeding them, the correct term according to the BBC is now "hostage." As was reported, the prisons in Europe and America are now full of rapists and murderer hostages.
Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people.
And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia.

And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe.

Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City.
Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.”

UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize.

Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel.

And the Chardim are the reason for all of this.

This month we focused on some of the not as well known Halachas of the holidays. Now that the holidays are over, and you don't have to worry about doing these Mitzvot, you can learn about them.

We do Hatarat Nedarim, annulling of vows, the morning before Rosh Hashana. This way you don’t have to follow up on hurting everybody at shul.

Kaparot, meaning atonement, is a custom where we transfer our sins onto a chicken by flipping it around our head. Why the chicken is now blamed for you being late to shul. That’s how the world works...
I for one am going to try to stay away from sinners who have the ability to flip me around their head.

Some say if there’s discomfort you wouldn’t have in a home, you don’t have to sleep in a Sukkah. I hold by that. My home has walls not made of linen. And I don't feel it's right to argue with rabbis who say you don't have to sleep in a Sukkah. They're doing what they can to help the people.
The originally Chabad rebbes felt the Sukkah is too holy. Which is why they couldn’t sleep in it. Only a Tzadik can come up with that good of a reason to not sleep in a Sukkah. Even more so, Chabad Chasidim don’t sleep in the Sukkah, as they follow their rebbes. Which is why Chabad has grown so much, gaining many followers over the years. During this season it’s much more comfortable to sleep under a roof that doesn’t have holes in it. 
After much study, it appears that Rav Nachman of Breslov didn't suggest to not sleep in a Sukkah, causing for a decrease in the number of Chasidim.
To quote Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/2300191/jewish/Sukkos-The-Sukkah-and-Sleeplessness.htm) “The Mitteler Rebbe once asked his chassidim: ‘How is it possible to sleep in Makkifim d’Binah?’  This means that the sukkah is illuminated by an extremely lofty level of holiness. As such, the Mitteler Rebbe expressed astonishment that his chassidim could sleep there, in keeping with the verse (Bereishit 28:16): ‘Behold, G‑d is found in this place, and I knew it not,’ upon which Rashi comments: ‘Had I known, I would not have slept in so sacred a place…’ So when one is clearly aware of the holiness of the sukkah, the law allows one to sleep in his home. For when a person knows he will be unable to fall asleep in the sukkah, he is permitted to sleep in his house… This is why the Previous Rebbe did not sleep in the sukkah...” And this is how you know the Mitteler Rebbe was a true wise man who understood the depths of Torah, a Talmid Chacham. Only a true Talmid Chacham can come up with such a brilliant reason to not do a Mitzvah.
Before this idea of not sleeping in Sukkahs came up, Chasidim didn’t follow their rebbes. It was only after this decision that all Chasidim took it upon themselves to follow everything their rabbi does. Unless that means learning too much Torah.

It’s tradition for the one doing Hagba, the lifting of the Torah, on Simchat Torah to cross the hands so the Torah flips around in the air, and for the congregants have an anxiety attack. Jews have anxiety attacks when they’re worried they’ll have to fast.
Another reason given is because Pirkei Avot (5:26) teaches that when it comes to Torah you’re supposed to “turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” Even so, it does not say to flip it around. Nor does it say to do a somersault while balancing the Torah on your forehead. Nor does it say to make the whole congregation jump out of their seats in fear that you called the weakest guy in the shul to lift the Torah.
It turns out, most have taken that Pirkei Avot to teach us to constantly learn Torah. And I have not witnessed many people sitting in the Beit Midrash flipping Torah scrolls all day.

Announcements
No more playing in shul. It turns out that fun is very dangerous. Due to fun, Sara ended up in the hospital. We will thus be banning the Bouncy Bima for two weeks.
 
It’s the beginning of the year. Bereishit. The first Parsha. Please don’t kill it for the congregation again. Do not do what you did last year. Be a different you for the rest of the shul. Just don’t be you.

Simchat Torah was dedicated to the living hostages coming home. It was also dedicated to the soldiers and all of the victims of the terror attacks since October Seventh.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Injured at Junior Congregation- A Psychological Study of Children of Our Congregants at Play. How to Not Be You- The Art of Making Other People Happy. Simchat Torah and How Our Dancing Embarrassed a Nation. How to Forget Something Very Important and Then To Dedicate It The Next Week Because Your Board Got A Lot of Complaints.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Bereishit is about the beginning. In the beginning Gd did not create you. It was the Garden of Eden. Things were good... If He would've seen our membership right away, He would've destroyed the world before Noach. It's good we came around six thousand years later.

It’s the first Parsha. Everything you did last year was wrong. It’s time for resolutions. Resolutions of you not to mess up again... You’ll be able to apologize for the new resolutions that you mess up, again this year, when the High Holidays come around next year. In the meantime, I pray that at least the Baal Koreh reads Bereishit right... You messed it up last year. The way you read it, I was starting to think that octopus was created on the third day. It was like you were reading "and the serpent was good"... Well, that's how your reading sounded...
Nobody wants to hear about your vegetable patch in your backyard, Fran. Gd didn’t care for Kayns...

Let’s talk about kids. Wild brothers. Kayn and Hevel. Now everybody listens. This speaks to you. You see the kids in our shul... Hundreds, mid-thirties, kindergarten. It was all the same back then...
Kayn kills Hevel. I wouldn’t be surprised if something goes down at youth groups. Paper football is the cause of much violence... We're talking about Cain and Abel. But we're Jews, so we pronounce their names correctly. Menachem.
(Bereishit 4:10) Gd asks Kayn, “What have you done?” Kayn throws off responsibility like any member of Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Plays dumb. "Oh. I don't know what happened to the ice machine"... Then who threw it out?! No fessers. Nobody fessses up... Like he didn't do it. 
Kayn then throws this line, (Bereishit 4:9) “Am I my brother’s watcher?!” Of course, this is after he killed him... Guarder is more correct than "keeper." I know "keeper" sounds cooler. But you are not cool. Watch you brother... You're not coole enough to not care. Nobody here cares about anybody else. Care about saving life at least. Can't even do guard duty at the front of the shul correctly... You let in Pinchas. He's annoying. What have you done? Ruining Shacharit for everybody... I thought we all knew Moishie walks real loud, getting in his steps in the back of the shul. Keep him out.

We all have the responsibility to be decent to people. We can't disregard our responsibilities in this Olam. In this world, you're supposed to keep a Mitzvot, and a tidy home... There is a chance for Teshuva. Even if you work shul security and bring your kids to shul to run around the Bima.
Kayn threw off the responsibility of guarding his brother. And Rashi teaches, when H’ asks “Where is your brother” it's in this soft tone to give Kayn a chance to do Teshuva. And he throws off that responsibility to repent too. At that point, what do you do? In our community, you don't invite him over for Friday night dinner. And that is rude...
We have the responsibility to guard our community. To watch over it. To care for each other. And you all throw that off. Not very far. None of you have a decent arm. We saw that last summer, on the shul softball team. Couldn't even throw to home plate from the infield...
What have you done? Like Kayn. You messed up the shul. I ask "what have you done" at every board meeting...

He is cursed after he doesn’t take the blame. Again. We speak of responsibility. Take responsibility. For your kids especially. They’re crazy... Fran. You care more about the vegetable patch than your grandkids...
"Am I the guarder of my children?" Yes. "Am I the watcher of my children?" Yes. "Am I watching too many series on Max?" Yes.

It is now time to do Teshuva.
We ask parents to watch their kids. A big ask. That won’t happen.
Maybe a New Year’s Resolution... OK. A Bereishit Resolution to watch your kids. At least watch that they don't bother everybody else... Yes. They bother people. Your cute little kids? Nobody likes them...
If it’s not a Bouncy Bima, why are they doing floor routines on it?!
Simchat Torah cannot happen again. No more fun in shul. This Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Playhouse Funhouse is chasing away members and families... When kids aren't having fun because other kids are having fun...
The kids are crazy. I saw tumbling in shul, a kid running across the Bima and the stage in front of the Aron, yelling out during announcements. And then I saw a commando crawl in front of the Aron. And that was one kid… It was your kid. He was yelling, "What's up, Doc?" Where does it say that in the Torah. No. Show me. Where does it say that in the Siddur. I want to know. Kayn didn't even say that... During announcements, the same kid re-apologized for the shul president and yelled, “He said he apologizes!!!” Between us, still people hate the president, and I can't stand him. 
Then your child stood on the chair and repeated, "He said he apologizes!!!" Be a dad…. How did you not see that. The whole shul saw it. You should apologize to the shul.
Where are the parents!!!

There's more. I saw a kid bouncing a ball during Layning. Other kids were throwing a ball during Ein Keylokeynu. I saw them playing over the Mechitzah, like it was a game of Newcomb. I saw three girls picking up their skirts. But I did not see that. Want to make that clear…
The girl with the pink checkered jacket with matching purse was cute. Cutest thing we ever saw. Which is why kids are allowed in shul.
I saw kids tumbling the aisle. Cartwheels. Followed by a somersault. I saw a kid running the back aisle. Doing laps… Probably gets it from Samantha who gets her steps in during Davening.
Wait. Kids were yelling…. Crazy thing. They were all in shul. How? I do not know. 
Where are the parents!!!

No Teshuva. No ownership.
This is why we read Kohelet last Shabbat. Because this is what happens when there is... Why is this child up on here right now?! Where are the parents!!! You lose a sense of life and our duties and everything is Hevel, vanity, or kids going crazy... 
Other people cannot whack your child. So we will have a police force to sign off on our public servants enacting the law. They will parent for you… Like a Kibbutz. The great thing about Kibbutzes is that everybody parents your child. So it's legal to tell your child to shut up... Potching is allowed.
We want to thank our police force for keeping kids quiet during Adon Olam. All parents have to sign that they can lock up your children if you want to bring them to shul. The document reads, "If my child's parent is incapable of shutting up my child during the Torah reading, my child will be sentenced to elementary school in prison."
They got a child police person. Need these kids fearing lock up for them to behave. They now call the junior congregation service “the yard,” because it’s violent. One kid, a third grader got his head bashed by a Tonka, due to fun.
Got to stop fun. Fun is dangerous.
Where are the parents!!!
Whenever there is fun, we must ask, "Where is your brother?"

And your kids overreacted on Simchat Torah... It’s your fault they couldn’t handle the three pounds of candy in a responsible way...
The dancing was for our people. Commemorating our nation. Our living nation. It was a resolution to live for our people. Still have no idea what Merv's dancing was about...

First we must take ownership.
Bereishit resolution... Yes. Another resolution. Rosh Hashana resolutions, you already messed up. Three weeks and you're already eating chocolate.
The resolution this congregation needs is to change everything. Your kids... Not to adopt new ones. Just change your kids... And change the toddlers too. At least clean them. Disgusting little things.
A resolution to not talk about your tomato patch.

H' wants Teshuva... Yes, I'm talking in a soft voice. That's how you get people to do Teshuva...

Teshuva cannot exist with justification... No justification for your children.
This passive justification leads to Kayn becoming a "wanderer on earth" (Bereishit 4:12). When you shun responsibility. When you damage. When you don't fess up. You are a wanderer. Kind of like your kids who wander the halls and destroy the shul.
Without ownership, our deeds remain wrong. You end up with a shul board. Let us take ownership so we don't become wanderers. Pay your dues.

Fess. We need more fessing. Where is the Yad for the Torah? Who took it? Fess up.

Rivka's Rundown
People ran to Kiddish after the sermon. They thought the rabbi was saying to Fress.
The congregation agrees. Hearing about Fran's vegetable patch is getting annoying.

I am beginning to think our shul has a lot of board meetings. And it seems like they're doing nothing there, other than throwing away important stuff in the shul and not fessing.
And it’s this lack of fessing that leads to softball team where everybody thinks they’re good. Boy, is that annoying. When they think they’re good and for some reason nobody can catch a ball.

The rabbi dealt a lot with brothers. vZot HaBracha he talks of Zevulun and Yissachar. Here he speaks of brothers that don't get along. Our congregants like the Cain and Abel relationship more. To quote, "I see my kids, and I like to think they're kind of like those two."
Why they couldn’t do two bulletins, one for vZot HaBracha and one for Bereishit. I think it's wrong. VZot HaBracha never gets its own thing. Just because it wasn't on Shabbis doesn't mean it's not a Parsha. VZot HaBracha deserves more credit. That’s all I’m saying. Maybe the shul should give it a little more of a shoutout in the announcements.
Anyways, I hope the sermon got parents to accept that they suck.

Nothing about Israel for Simchat Torah was mentioned. No announcement last week. That is usually how our office works. The announcements go, "We missed the Simcha last week. Wish the Grossmans a Mazel Tov on their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. We hope people showed up. We also missed the Israeli Parade of Support. But we support it now. Walk around the block for Israel if you can."

Did the rabbi ban Simchat Torah next year because of little Brenda and Barry pulling hair during Adon Olam?
I don't know how Kayn messed up the shul. I think that was part of his message. I know the kids destroyed the hallways.

The rabbi was hoping Bereishit would help make things good. A new start. But as he said, "There are still congregants."

"No justification for your children." That hurt.
Crazy kids in the shul. They are whacky. No question about that.
The rabbi used safety and security to get everybody to agree that fun has to stop. You say safety and security nowadays, the shul has to do what you said.
We have security in junior congregation. It turns out that when there's security, the kids focus better during the Chidon HaTorah quiz. We also implemented the cop presence at playgroups. Which has led to less biting and more sharing of the huge non-eatable LEGO bricks.
The rabbi proposed somebody watch the parents. The security watched the parents. It turns out, the parents don’t watch the kids. The security team reported back that they watched the parents not watching the kids.

I've never seen so many parents in support of their kids going to the state penitentiary. Everybody cheered for the police force. A bunch of left-wingers who are against locking people up, unless if their kids who make noise in shul.
But they're still worried about their kids eating candy.

I don't know if the locking up of children who talk during Torah reading is enforceable. Even so, the bylaws were written into shul policy, and police have thrown some of the children and parents out of shul.
We have brought it to city council and city court. They are still discussing whether biting in playgroups and jumping on the Bima during Adon Olam are criminal offenses.

And then there was a Bar Mitzvah on Shabbat Bereishit. The amount of candy is crazy. Now the kids got more candy. 
These parents don't want their kids eating the candy, yet the kids are loading up bags. I have a feeling these parents are using it for Halloween. Parents are stashing the candy, saving money on the Laffy Taffy. Then they give it out on Halloween. That's why Simchat Torah gets so many people showing up. Save on the Walmart trip. 
The Bar Mitzvah wasn't mentioned in the announcements. They might announce it for Parshat Noach. "You missed the Bar Mitzvah last week. If you want more candy, show up to the Lefkowitz home for Halloween. They will have Kosher candy." 
 
It's hard giving a Drasha in a Frum shul. The rabbi can’t even say the words of the prayers. “Keylokeynu.” I started picking up that when the rabbi uses a lot of Ks, he’s referencing Gd. You see how Frum I am. When I reference Gd, out of respect, I don’t write Gd.

They were funny pioneers. They kept Kibbutzing. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kibbitzing means joking and banter. Kibbutzing is when people on the Kibbutz, the pioneers, do it. I came up with that. Thank you.

They were interested in bacon, because they were Apikurious. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An Apikores is a heretic. Epicurious is being interested in food and new dishes. If Torah interested them, they’d be Torahcurious. They wouldn't be curious in eating nonKosher food. Apikurious people also want to eat the food. The definition of Apikurious is not out there yet, so I have taken the liberty to define it. I would be curious to hear a differing opinion.

The men declared that the Piyutim, liturgical poems, were for them. "Which is why they are called Hymns." (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Hims. Hymns. They sound the same. We call the hymns for Selichot, Piyutim. The women wanted to read Hyrs. But those don't exist. The men in that community should share the Hymns with the women, as they're for everybody. To give historical context. For the sake of peace and nonjudgmental living, homophones are for straight people too.

This New Year has been going real well Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Thought I would share that. So far. Here it’s Shofar. It’s Rosh Hashana, and the guy had a lisp. And I’m also feeling good Shofar.

I played poker against Satan's lawyer. I was playing devil's advocate. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Satan is the devil. His lawyer advocates for him. You shouldn’t play poker with the devil's lawyer before Yom Kippur... It gets confusing. Is Mordechai the devil's advocate, or is the lawyer the advocate? Or are they both?

I got a crazy citron this year. The guy selling it said it was an Etrogue. 
(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The citron is the Etrog we wave with the Lulav. It went rogue. It was on another table, doing its own thing. Hence, Etrogue. It went rogue. EtRogue.

If Adam was president Chava would be the First Lady a second time. (Mordechai)
You get it? First Lady. She was the first created lady. It’s a pun. A two word pun. That counts. We’re talking about Adam HaRishon. Greatest last name ever. Not Adam Cohen.
Please note, we know this is not a real situation. This couldn’t happen. Chava and Adam HaRishon passed away a while ago. Adam only lived for around nine hundred years.

It is now that we must reflect on our relationship with Muslim communities. With the discussion of peace and the Abraham Accords, we have to search into our soul to understand our Abrahamic brethren. Which is why I look to Google AI.
It may be hard for some to see peace with people that want you destroyed. But that should not be a deterrent. It appears many Muslim countries are accepting of Israel, now that they already tried to kill us. Turkey not wanting Israel at peace talks about Israel should not stop peace for Israel. The point is we must learn to respect our Islamic brethren.
With that in mind, we must appreciate our Islamic brethren. I must say, many Muslims are committed to their faith. They take their religion seriously, and I respect that. Here are things I respect about our Muslim brothers. Not brotherhood. I want to make that clear. I’m still not a hundred percent about the Muslim Brotherhood and their commitment to peace.
Again, let me be clear, all I know about the Islamic faith comes from Google AI Overview. And here is what I appreciate.

Muslim fast for a month from dawn to sunset. Jews, we fast for a day and complain for a month. I'm still complaining about Yom Kippur.
They're ready to fast at any time. No idea when it's going to fall out. You never know when the month is. You could be waking up. "It's Ramdan today?! Mid-March?! Couldn't worn me?! I was going to do the Jerusalem Marathon." And they fast. And run the marathon. A religiously resilient people.
Christians have Lent. That's where they skip snack. "I'm going to not eat Snickers for a month." I believe their definition of fasting is where they eat a meal and then have a couple smaller dinners. How that is fasting? Ask the Vatican. Maybe Jesus is fasting for them. All I know is Muslims fast. Muslims eat nothing, run a marathon, and then they have fireworks. 

A devout Muslim will not drink alcohol. Drugs. But no alcohol. But if you want to drink, that's fine. It depends on who you ask. And is a Pina Colada really alcohol?!
Some say you shouldn't do drugs either. But you stay away from those imams. That's respectable. I understand. Only a fool would go to a rabbi on Pesach who says you can't eat Gebrokts.
You have to respect that. Staying away from intoxication and gambling because it's Satan's work. I think we can all agree those people running the casinos, taking your money, are Satan. I consider my mechanic Satan too.
Note: If you don't understand a reference, look at Google AI. 

Muslims are committed to their holidays no matter when they fall out. Just pops up. But they keep it. They really have no idea when they’re coming. It’s different every year. All the sudden, it’s the ninth month mid-winter, and Eid al-Fitr. You're celebrating. It was in August. Now it's March.
They love their holidays. I know, because I’ve seen fireworks. You got the two main holidays, known as the two Eids. And this is why marital purity is important in Islamic tradition. In serious Islamic countries, you don't cheat on your spouse, you marry another woman.
Very big on fireworks. I don't know where that is in the Quran. But it’s there.

I truly respect the commitment of the religious.
Muslims are praying all the time. They've got dawn, midday, afternoon, evening, nightfall. They are praying. Sleep. They're praying at sleep time. Mid-conversation, that's prayer time. You thought you already did the midday service. Nope. It's time for the afternoon service. How you have midday and afternoon, don't know, but they do it. Same time, different prayers.
They get on the floor five times a day. No problem. We get on the floor once a year and it's a huge deal. Yom Kippur comes and it's a whole to-do. It's a production. We start bending, grabbing onto the chair, we're trying to figure out what people do when they drop stuff. We tell the guy to close the ark, as we're embarrassed Gd will see how out of shape we are. Bernie is yelling, "Get the towel." Starts cleaning, "I'm going to get on the floor with all this shmutz?!" Two minutes later, "There goes my back. Not doing this again."
We hit the gym and we can't bend. They're hitting the mosque to get in the daily ruku, salah, sujud exercise plan. They've got eighty-five-year-olds doing burpees. 
You see a Jew on the floor and it's not Yom Kippur, it might be a medical situation. If a Jew is cleaning his floor with anything other than a Swiffer, check to make sure all is OK.

They take the laws seriously. You end up in Iraq or Sudan, you fall in.
You break the law, they will kill you. Literally kill you.
You follow the law. It's not a, "Maybe if I walk fast, I'll make the light." It's, "Maybe I should stay here, or they will cut off my foot."
Cut off the hand. That's how you make sure people pay full price for baklava. You go to the souk, you don't haggle. You pay what they're asking. Just in case.
Public executions. That's how you get people to listen. And we waste time with Kiruv. We're doing Jewish outreach with Shabbat meals. You want somebody to start keeping Mitzvahs, you cut off an appendage. Do you know how many more Jews would be Frum and keep the laws of family purity if we just had public executions. 

The religious Muslims believe in their faith. And there is so much beauty in it. Very honest about what they mean. When they say they don't like you, they mean it. When they say they want to kill you, they mean it. When they say that you're their friend, they're trying to sell you something. They're committed. If we can just get them committed to peace. With enough appreciation for each other and oil, it’s possible.
We can have peace. We just need to respect each other. And that means our Muslim brothers must also learn to respect us and what we brought to the Middle Eastern cuisine. They must learn to appreciate Kneidelach, Holipshas and pizza.
 
I hope this article brings peace. This is all written out of love and a hope that there can be peace. Anything that offends you, that's on Google AI. I truly respect Muslims and Christians who actually fast.

Announcements
We ask people get their exercise at home. People are complaining about congregants getting in their steps during the silent prayer. It has been reported that Moishie walks very loud.
 
Kids have to be watched over by somebody. We are asking anybody other than parents to help. Anybody other than their mothers and fathers. We have given up on those people.
We will be throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. So make sure they don’t get excited.

Please do not injure children with candy. We are asking for Simchat Torah safety.
We also ask people dance normally, out of respect for the Jewish people and our nation, Israel.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Annoy People in Shul with Walking Groups During Shacharit. How to Not Parent- The Art of Bringing Your Kids to Shul. When Hitting a Child with Candy is Fine- History of the Bar Mitzvah. Dances That Are Offensive to Our People- Merv and The Evolution of a Messed-up Hora. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Chag Sameach My Pupils...
Let us dance with our nation this Simchat Torah. Not Merv. No idea what he's doing with the Torah. He thinks he's doing a salsa out there... It's for our nation this year. So, let's do it correctly. Let's keep it simple and stay in circle form...

We end vZot HaBracha and immediately start the Torah again, with Bereishit. Because you already forgot it... You don’t keep the Mitzvot and your kids are already messing up again...
How do we practice the Torah again? Let's look to Moshe's blessing of Zevulun and Yissachar.
Zevulun and Yissachar had a good relationship. Unlike the Schwartz kids who can’t get along. And run around the shul like a bunch of Vilde Chayas.
They were two brothers who benefited each other. Zevulun provided the money and Yissachar learned and provided the spiritual reward for both of them. And for some reason, Yissachar didn't complain. He wasn't being supported by his parents like Yankel who's now spending time at Yeshivas Shaar Yashuv, due to his complaints about his parents being heretics. Which they are... The shul benefits nothing. Even the last benefit wasn't a benefit. We lost money...

(Devarim 33:18) Moshe tells Zevulun, “Be happy in your going out, and Yissachar in your tents.” Be happy in what you do... Going out means working. It doesn’t mean getting hammered, you drunk...
The answer is to practice with happiness, in your going out. I'm not Rav Nachman of Breslov. Even so, as we learn from his lessons, being with this congregation does not lead to happiness... Maybe, if Nachum wasn't a downer when he's going out with the ladies...
You're happy when fulfilling your role. And our board has done nothing. Which seems to be their role. To do nothing of help... I don’t know what Ben and Simcha’s roles are in the shul. I don’t know what Menachem and Baruch are doing here. Nobody knows how to lead the Davening. Can’t read the Torah. You even mess up the Torah blessings. You messed up an Aliyah... Moishie's role is to bother people while they're Davening. Which is why he's a happy person.
It was their strengths. The brothers were happy with their strengths. Please let me know if anybody here has a strength... 
Zevulun made money and used it for something positive... What have you done with your money other than the membership at the country club?! You haven't even paid your dues... The shul renovations are not positive. And they're not your money. You can't spend the shul's money on the shul and call it your Tzedakah. The shul is now poorer...

Why are we all depressed here? Not happy. Because our role as a community is to be kind. To give. Like Zevulun and Yissachar.
We don’t share anything. You told the guy to leave the shul because he took your seat. You didn't even say, "This is my seat." You said, "Leave." You could've at least said, "Leave. This is my seat." He thought you were a random guy kicking him out of shul. Bullies aren't happy...
No responsibility. This is why you're all depressed. You're doing nothing. You're on the board. On committees... Exactly. Doing nothing.
Can we be happy here? No. Let us explore your roles...

Your role is not to get in more steps during Shabbis Davening... How do you get in steps during the silent prayer. It's the Amidah. You have to keep your feet together. How do you get steps in, standing in one spot?!... 
No walking during the holiday. There's enough walking around on Simchat Torah. You don’t need to get more steps... It's not a dance. What you guys are doing is walking in a circle.
I think Moishie has gotten two hundred thousand of his yearly steps in during Musaf. I know because I hear each one... Fifteen thousand a day. Crazy.
Maybe you'd be happy if you trained other people. Gave them some of your steps...

By the way. On Simchat Torah we will be throwing candies at your kids. But watch them. Make sure they behave.
Make sure your children are not wild when they have all of Hershey's and every gummy of every creature thrown at them... It's not hard for them to not to be excited. Just have them look at you and they will be reminded of depression. I see you at shul and my excitement is gone. I'm not happy anymore. You bring depression to my holiday...
Yes. We are saying you're not good parents... Your child is getting whacked by candy. No helmet. No vest. Just slacks and a button down. No knee pads. You're fine with your child getting hit... You don't even let them eat candy.

Find your rule. Moishie and Rivki know their role is to throw candies at kids and to get in steps...

We read Kohelet last Shabbat. I was uplifted. After seeing the members of this shul, Ecclesiastes was a pick-me-up... If he would've seen our membership, King Solomon would’ve said "there is no time for these people." 
There is a time to walk and there is a time to not walk. And the time to walk is in shul... You don’t walk in shul Harry... There is a time to be with congregants and there is never a time to be here... This shul is Hevel Havalim.
There is no time for Merv to dance. There is never a time for our shul president to be involved. If the board just stayed out of shul decisions everybody would be happy... Your calling is to stay out of shul decisions... Watch your kids too. The time to watch your kids is until 10am and after 11am when groups end...

Zevulun and Yissachar will be nourished by the sea (Devarim 33:19)... I don't know if they liked salmon. I would like to think they did... You eating squid is forbidden. Don't try to use the nourishment argument for sin... Rashi makes it clear that the Torah mentions both Yissachar and Zevulun, because the sea gives them both money in abundance. How is Yissachar benefiting? Because Yissachar receives the money from Zevulun's going out to sea. And the shul has benefited nothing from its membership...
(Devarim 33:20) Gad who is on the boarder, protecting Israel, is living like “a lion.” Not like a middle class family in Topeka... You couldn't protect the shul. The new security team of the aging with earphones... You're listening to music on Shabbis. Might as well be eating squid. Both Aveiras... Have you seen squid? Not Kosher. Doesn't look like sardines. Maybe eating squid is worse than protecting the shul. The point is Gad would've at least had Byrnas... Artscroll teaches that Gd gives us gifts that are “commensurate with responsibility.” Which is why nobody in this shul got anything last Chanukah... None of you live up to anything you're supposed to do.
A responsibility to see how depressing our congregation is. A responsibility to not get your steps in in the middle of Davening. It's Simchat Torah. We have a responsibility to not injure our children, and we are given the correct amount of candy to do it.
And that is what leads to happiness. When we follow our responsibilities. Take Gd’s gifts and use them right... Not Gad. Gd. Oh Gd... You have the gift of candy from Gd. Throw it at kids...
H' provides the nourishment from the sea, because that is what Zevulun and Yissachar needed... Don't blame H' for the board. The shul needs other people...
H' provides. But we first need to know take responsibility.

Maybe somebody can have a relationship with Merv. A Zevulun Yissachar relationship, where they give him dance lessons, and he gives them nothing. Somebody who has the gift of not looking like an idiot when they dance... Merv truthfully has nothing to offer. Just salsa dancing with the Torah. Which still makes no sense... Our new members from Puerto Rico had no idea what you were doing. They thought you were tangoing with it.
May H' provide people who don't look like fools when they dance.
If Merv danced not like an idiot, we would have a chance at communal joy. Somebody just has to take responsibility. Responsibility and blame... It takes two to Hora.

If we lived up to our responsibilities, we could make this a happy congregation...
Throwing candy at kids is how you find joy?! 
Throwing candy at children the way you do it is wrong. It's too violent... Is the Bar Mitzvah boy a child? No. The Bar Mitzvah is a man. Bar Mitzvah. I whipped that sucker at the Bar Mitzvah man!...

And maybe the shul could get some money. How about this? Be a Zevulun to this shul and donate something. You don't learn. None of you learn Torah. Maybe give money so your rabbi can get a raise, and you can be happy too.
And when we have our roles down, H' will provide... Your role is to not talk during the sermon...
You should be Zoyche to live your role. Good luck.

Rivka's Rundown
Getting back the living hostages right before the holiday brought the inner communal Simcha. It added to a sense of not hating everybody in shul.
The dancing was meaningful. We took responsibility to dance for our people. It was beautiful and it brought joy. Still have no idea what Merv was doing.

I am happy the rabbi made it clear that we cannot be happy in our shul.
I think the rabbi's message was take responsibility and you will be happy, which is why nobody on the board is happy. Or the message might have been to be happy in your work and hurt children by throwing suckers at them. Hurt them but don't injure them.
The president talks about the shul's money like it's his. He said he gave Tzedakah to the shul, because he used the shul's money to pay for the new dry wall in the garden. What idiot puts up Sheetrock around a gazebo?!

The rabbi left it at "good luck." He doesn't see hope for any of us.

A lot of walking in shul. That's how they dance too. They walk in a circle. That's it. There is no skipping or jumping, or hopping. Just a walk. A leisurely pace. That's how our men dance. They dance to get in steps.
Moishie took the rabbi's lesson to heart about training other people. Now, he has a walking group in shul.
Seriously. The guy walks around shul. Not even in the back. He goes up and down the aisles now. To quote Harry, “I feel like I get more steps when I go around the shul.”
Moishie truly took that lesson and flipped it on the rabbi. The rabbi is doing what he can to stop the walking in shul. The rabbi is now promoting less health, so people can concentrate on the prayers.

And then all the candies. The kids are filling up huge bags of candy. We're throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. Tons of candies. Anything that can hurt. They've got black and blue eyes from candy whoopings. They're stuffing their faces with the taffy, loving it, and their parents are there. The parents that don’t let them eat sweets.
I've given up on the parents. It's these same parents that don't let them play sports because it's too dangerous. Yet, they bring them to shul to get a candy whopping. I don’t get it.
Candy violence has to stop in our shul.
It was hard to figure out exactly when the rabbi is saying that throwing candies at kids is fine and when it's not. I am guessing that when you're passing them in a car, whipping candies at them is wrong. Even if they love it.
In our shul, candy is meant to hurt the kids. The congregants are fine with the kids getting that sugar, as long as the kid gets hit by it first. The candy committee argued that it's not abuse if it's with Ferrara Pan. I don't know if that is their Jaw Busters ad. But it sounds wrong.

And then everybody blames the kids for being too wild. How we expect kids to be responsible when the rabbi is dropping every candy from heaven.
I'm not going to lie. I get candy thrown at me, I'm happy. If it's candy, I will jump on the floor, kill the skirt. I don't care. I'm happy, even with a black and blue eye and a broken arm. Why they threw the whole box of Dum-Dums. Idiots. But I got the lollypops. Injured, but with some lollypops. Bittersweet moments.

The fact that they need an announcement to watch the kids is messed up. Though the kids are crazy, and I can understand parents being fine with their children running away. That sounds wrong. The kids in our shul walk. They're very out of shape.
The point is, they're crazy. With all the candies, by the end of Simchat Torah the kids were skipping with Harry around the shul.

Bar Mitzvahs do not compare with Simchat Torah. So much more candy on Simchat Torah. I hope the candy added to the meaning of our nation.

Last time, we discussed how our first Sukkah Hoppers risked their lives, walking unannounced into people’s Sukkahs. We have them to thank for our modern tradition. And we shall forever celebrate them. From the time of the Cossacks, there was around four hundred years of no Sukkah Hoppers. The Cossacks were not kind to hoppers. Yet, as Jews, we don’t let anybody steal our tradition.
 
A Youth Group Revives Ancient Tradition
NCSY was a growing youth movement. In the mid-70s they were looking for a program. They had a board meeting. And thus, no program happened.
The following year the NCSY youth had no board meeting, and thus the program happened. It was at this moment in history that the community came to the realization that nothing happens when you have a meeting.
The youth advisor in Fallsville said, "We should Sukkah Hop. There's an ancient tradition to go to people's homes and ask for food while they're hosting others for brisket, steak and Huliphches." "What do we get?" one child asked. To which the advisor responded, "Not that... If you're lucky, you get a taffy. Many times, without even a joke inside."
As it was a youth event, they naturally skipped. But the event was over in four minutes. The advisor, Sharon, didn't take into account how fast kids move when they're skipping. Thus, the following year, they coined the program "Sukkah Hopping."
Arguments among the NCSY youth were had. "But Sukkah Hopping doesn't rhyme." "It's also not an alliteration." Nonetheless, NCSY took the chance and sent out the Sukkah Hoppers. They declared, "We do not want to pay for a program. Other people's Sukkahs are free... The people of whom the Sukkahs belong will pay for the food for the kids." And so, the NCSY youth hopped along. And they hopped. They disturbed people's dinner.
NCSY took a chance at being the first organization to put together a program that neither rhymed or alliterated, and is thus revolutionary. And why teenagers don't Sukkah hope anymore. And have instead opted in for Hookah in the Sukkah.
But the kids heard about this idea and they started hopping all over.

Sukkah Hopping Takes Off
Sukkah hopping grew. It was greater than NCSY. Children from all over the Jewish world noticed there was candy. And this candy was not in their homes. It was in Sukkahs. And to this day, Jews still haven't learned how to fortify their Sukkahs. The candy was thus there for the taking. Jewish children around the world started hopping. Nobody reports hoppers to the police. Nobody calls in a hopper with gummy worms.
Parents stopped caring about their children in the year 1996. As such, Sukkah Hopping became an activity for all ages, including crews of preschoolers. 
Parents wanted their kids to stay home for dinner, but children were adamant. "We eat candy on holidays." The parents of the Five Towns Settlement (protested very much in the news for their occupation of land in Long Island) told their children "Jewish tradition is to eat brisket on holidays." Protest came back, "But I have never seen brisket gummy candy." And brisket is now not a Jewish holiday tradition anymore.

Sukkah Hopping Is Done
Simchat Torah came. Sukkah Hopping was over. Children didn't want to be Jewish. To quote Benjy: "If there is no candy, I want nothing to do with this religion."
What do we do? There are no Sukkahs to hop to? It was shameful. Kids around the globe protested yet again. Little Sarah asked, “Why did we stop hopping?” Here mom, Mrs. Finkelman, answered, “Because we are not eating in the Sukkahs.” At this moment, Little Sarah renounced her Judaism. This was the first case in history where are parent allowed her child of eight years old, to make her own decisions. Which led to a sex change.
The Finkelmans noticed the absurdity of no hopping. Thus, at Simchat Torah 1998, they started throwing candy at children. The children once again wanted to be Jewish, and the children were pelted with sweets. To quote Benjy: "I love this religion." Benjy was scarred by the Twizzlers. Why a parent would throw a whole pack of Twizzlers at a child for celebratory reasons is a study we have not fully delved into yet. However, we're still trying to figure out how Sukkah Hopping turned into child abuse that children love.
And even during Simchat Torah children where happy and started hopping again. They were not walking. They were actually skipping. Skipping and jumping on the floor to get the candy they were attacked by.
 
Epilogue
As it's not run by NCSY anymore, Sukkah Hopping is actually done by skipping. Still called Sukkah Hopping, people want to get it over with. They want their sour sticks and they want to get them fast. Skipping is more efficient.
Some places, where people aren't scared of skippers, they've now changed the night to Sukkah Skipping. After many millennia of intermittent hopping, the Jewish community has come to the conclusion that nobody can hop for more than two miles. It took many years of continued injury to come to this realization.
Hopping also ruins the Simchat Torah dancing circles. It slows them down. Nonetheless, for some reason, many kids still hop. In some communities in Modiin, it won't stop. Candy gets kids to hop. Especially Butterfingers whacking you in the face.
Skipping and hopping is now quite confusing. It depends on your community's tradition. I believe most communities skip now.

Some communities tried stopping Sukkah Hopping and Skipping in 2008. Yet, that was a failed attempt. Kids realized their parents weren’t buying them enough candy. It turns out people are fine buying candy for children that are not theirs. It turns out people also give gummy worms to people who skip. We have evolved as a people over the last three thousand years.
In 2018 the Rabbanut decided it should be called Sukkah Hopping, as reports have shown that many burglars do skip. This decision was made as per the Responsa of Rav Eginger, where he said to not put a stumbling block in front of a Sukkah. It was the first consensus of rabbis since the destruction of the Second Temple. 
Though the name is "Hopping," the rabbis do allow for skipping.

Sukkah Hopping still exists, due to the modern development of gummy worms and gummy fish. But only the ones from Trader Joe's. Because they taste better.
Why Sukkah hoppers still can't get chicken and Kugel, I do not know. I do suggest it be studied by a scholar. It may have something to do with board meetings and decisions made by committees.

Some youth started driving. They got cars and they started going to 7-Eleven. That was the downfall of NCSY.

To this day, the number one reason for children choosing to convert to Judaism in elementary school is the candy received before Halloween. Christina Leah Malka told me, "I couldn't wait a whole month. I decided I'll be Jewish and pack away my candies. It turned out, with the advent of Sukkah Hopping and the Simchat Torah sweets, I didn't even need Halloween anymore." 

Next time, we shall discuss the history of your child spending eight hundred and fifty dollars at their Jewish Summer Camp canteen, and not having enough candy to make it through the holiday. We will also discuss the rise in the cost of gummies, due to Sukkah Hopping in skipping form, and the Finkelmans’ involvement.

Announcements
Please keep your Carlebach singing to a minimum. Since Yom Kippur there has been a lot of Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, due to the hatred of people for having to be in shul longer. So, please just say the words quickly, so that Jews can get out of shul and love each other. And do not add any NayNayNays to songs. NayNayNay is not a word.
 
We will have a Kiddish in the Sukkah on the second day of Sukkot, and it will not have dried out pastry (like the stuff we now serve every Shabbat). We’re hoping the rain will bring some moistness to the Danish Sharon has been bringing lately.
 
The board will not do renovations over Sukkot. Otherwise, we will be measuring the shul in handbreadths and elbows. Our contractor has been doing a bad job with measurements, even when using tape measures. He has a very weird handbreadth, and he has been listening to the board, which all leads to a messed-up foundation.
 
The rabbi has declared that he will be choosing people’s Lulavs this year. There are safety concerns from last year with people who have no Lulav control. They will receive smaller Lulavs with rounded edges.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Injure People With Mitzvahs- Bernie’s Lulav and Why Nobody Sits Next To Him. How to Lose Every Member in Your Shul With A Tune That People Like- The Carlebach Method of Extended Prayer. How to Choose Really Bad Pastry- A Day of Shopping With Sharon at Latkes Bakery. Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
What provokes H’? It’s ignoring and snobbiness and people who sometimes say "Hi"... You greet people even when they're not popular. Even when they're not part of the committee that is messing up this building... I am saying you are not good people. Exactly. Annoying, snobby people who only say "Shalom" when you think you'll get something out of it.
Shabbat Shalom. My Congregants... 
Yes. I am angry. Because you’re angry people. I am angry because you mess up everything. You are the worst congregants. The worst people. Shallow...

And this leads to kids who don’t follow Torah. Like our youth group. We’re the only synagogue youth group for atheists... Our shul's chapter is called My Parents Raised Me to Hate My Religion... I don't know how National Torah Youth accepted our chapter. Kiruv, bringing people closer to Judaism, only works so much.
I think the name is MPRMHMR. They acronymized it... When an acronym is impossible to say, I don't know if it's useful. The point is the problems come from ignoring. You all ignore Gd. You ignore people. You ignore kindness. And that is how you get junior congregation... Junior congregation where the blessings go, "Blessed be standing straight. Blessed be wearing clothes. Blessed be preparing men's steps..." No Gd. You can't say Amen to that, Bernie. Your grandkids are not Nachis... I have no idea what preparing steps consists of. I don't believe it has anything to do with the pacing Shalom is doing in the back of the shul right now. Will you please sit... Pacing bothers the sermon. Correct. As does ignoring...

You ignore H’ (Devarim 32:18). You ignore me too. Ignoring people makes them angry. I would appreciate if you ignored me and didn't ask questions. But you still bother me with questions. 
(Devarim 32:19) H’ sees this and He will be provoked by the “anger of his sons and daughters.”
The rabbis ask why daughters are included... Women should be included Bernie. Disgusting... You didn’t say it, but I saw your look... the general term for sons always includes everybody... That includes daughters too. Bernie. Daughters are part of everyone. They’re people Bernie... even before women’s rights...
You provoke Gd’s anger when you pray to clothes and steps.

Ramban teaches this has to do with the First Temple destruction where women were idol worshippers... Not everything about women is positive. They ignore. They definitely ignore Nachum. We all see that. They don't talk to him. The guy is still pathetic and single...
Women's rights is about the negative things women do. It's about how they mess up everything, like men...
It starts with ignoring. Something that women do to Nachum. And the would've ignored him in the First Temple, because his shoes are never polished. 
It's attitude. Ignoring leads to hate in your heart. Your snobbiness leads to hatred. Your selfishness leads to anger...

I will say it is the sons and daughters. The family. The family that messes up shul with anger. Gets mad when Davening goes a little too long.

(Devarim 32:20) Gd says, “And I will hide My face... for they are generation of reversals, children whose upbringing is not in them.” Because you all messed up.
Anger leads to Gd hiding His face. And that is how you get our congregation...

Because you raise the kids wrong. When they look at you in your anger and the dried our Danish, they want nothing to do with that. And how can you not be angry when the shul has a board?!
A bunch of idiots, throwing out everything. Who throws out the shul’s history?! You threw Gd out of the shul... You threw out our original shul document from 200 years ago. You throw out history. That can only come from anger... You threw out the Mitzvot. You literally threw out the Melachot chart and the Chesed Kindness Mitzvah chart.
And it is that throwing away that can only come from anger. Leading to kids like our youth who bless clothing the naked... They're blessing clothes and people getting in steps...

Ignoring is what leads to H' hiding His face.
Let’s not ignore the issues of our shul. Let us not be angry. But deal with the stuff that makes us angry, so we can have a Geula... Coming to shul makes us angry, because we have to see you... Now that Bernie is gone, let's deal with the other issues we have ignored. The other issues that hide Gd from this shul. Sam has now left. And Francine is not in the women's section right now. OK. We can now deal with girls not talking to Nachum...

Where does the anger come from? Let us not ignore the issues. There's a lot of frustration in our shul. 
Yom Kippur Davening took more than three hours. A problem. Again. Causes anger. Faster Davening will bring Shalom. If we got in an eighteen-minute Yom Kippur Shacharit, there would be happiness. H's presence in our shul.
Friday night Davening has to be quicker as well... You sung Yehi Shalom which is beautiful. It’s the kind of song that will get all the congregants mad... It takes too long. They come to shul because they want out. The Yehi Shalom brought the Kehillah together. All frustrated...
At least you didn’t NayNayNay it. Mizmor LDavid gets at least one NayNay run-through. The only song that has a NayNayNay in its lyrics is Mizmor LDavid. A NayNay verse is there. Written in by Carlebach... You NayNayed the NayNay verse. Again. Anger...
Because we ignore. We have anger. 

We will have a Sukkah Kiddish.
There’s a Mitzvah to pay happy. vSmachta bChagecha. To be happy in the Chag. And that is where Gd is found. And the pastries the shul has been getting has gotten nobody happy… Yes. Happiness is found in food. Not in dried out Danish...
Dried out Danish. It’s disgusting Sharon. With the Hamentash filling. Nobody likes it. Especially five days old… Of course, the bakery gives a deal on it. It’s disgusting. And the sponge cake. No Simcha in a sponge cake. They only put out the sponge cake at the weddings because the Temple was destroyed. We must bring a bit of mourning to our Simchas... 
Of course the sponge cake and Danish was eaten. It was the only thing they put out. Ever see the peanut butter squares with the crystalized peanut butter and then the chocolate on top. You don’t see them because they’re always gone… I know people eat the black and white cookies. Because there’s nothing else. All the other stuff is gone. So, they eat it at the end of Kiddish. Something finished at the end of Kiddish doesn’t constitute... You get to the Kiddish table five minutes in, you think all they're serving is black and white cookies today...
You didn't know the Mitzvah to be happy on Chags because you threw out the Mitzvah chart. It's on the chart. You have to be happy on holidays, and you have to serve Green's Babka... Because it's amazing and it brings Simcha.
Sharon. You're the head of the sisterhood. Delegate Kiddish. Delegate it to Little Debby. Great cakes. Moist... Nobody cares about preservatives. It tastes good. Don't ignore what tastes good. You ignore what tastes good, you ignore H'. And that means exile. H' doesn't want to be seen around dried up pastry... Flaky dough is fine...

No. We don’t measure biblically anymore. Even if the rabbis say we must for the Sukkah... It’s not an excuse for Shul renovations.
The renovations got people mad. Because you ignored decent ideas. Godly ideas given by your rabbi... Tables were placed in front of the pews. Great idea??? Allows for a place to put down the Siddur??? Now there is no room to stand. People can’t get into the row... You put the tables where people stand... Yes. People like to put their Siddurs down where they sit. If there is no room to sit...
Tables in the Sukkah?! It's a pop-up Sukkah. A four by six Sukkah... Calm down with the tables. They don't fit. The community Sukkah seats three, without chairs.
And now we have a messed-up foundation... The building too. Very messed up. When you ignore Gd, you end up with drywall that crumbles...
When you renovate by throwing out tradition, you end up with a pop-up Sukkah... Gd is permanent.

Some people need the rabbi to choose for them. You can't ignore safety. People get hit with a Lulav, they get mad, and it leads to idol worship...
I will choose your Etrogs and Lulavs, to bring Simcha to your holiday. And to ensure safety. Rich. You get a small Lulav this year... You injured Merv and Pinchas with your Hodu Lulav swing last year... You should've turned around first to make sure nobody was there, when you pointed your Lulav straight out... You don't ignore safety. You point the Lulav up...
Rich. Like you care. You don’t even know that the willow is the Arava... I know Arava sounds more like a myrtle. Hadas should be a willow. But it’s not... This is why I learn Halacha... Because you’re not big Lulav worthy. You also injured Faye last year. Your Lulav went through the Mechitzah and knocked out her eye...

We can’t let this anger us. We have to deal with it. Make it good. Make our congregation good. Stop the cause of anger. Keep out Bernie and Francine. Bring Gd back into what we do. To not ignore Nachum. Maybe talk to him and let him know you're not attracted... Lulavs hitting me in the face causes anger... And this shall bring Gd back into our lives.
Long Davening is a reason to be angry. I understand. And where are the Mitzavh charts... And the stars. Yes. The stickers. The star stickers. You put them on the Mitzvah chart.
And happiness through better pastries to bring H' into our presence this Sukkot... Let us bring Gd into Sukkot without our membership. A reason to pray to Gd.

Rivka's Rundown 
The rabbi had everybody yelling at Bernie for being a chauvanist. He said nothing. He just sat there. I didn’t know a look you got when you sneezed meant women don’t deserve the right to vote.

We truly have the most heretical youth. They had a Halloween pumpkin carving event for Sukkot. A bunch of pagans. They didn’t even have a Sukkah hopping event. They had a Sukkah Treat event. For a shtick they called it Sook-or-Treat.
It is messed up when you leave Gd out of blessings. Blessing steps??? "Blessed are steps." It makes no sense. I can understand why Gd is mad. You leave Him out, you ignore Him, and you start making blessings to counting how much you walk in shul. Now you're worshipping treadmills.
From what I understand, the order is we ignore Gd, Gd hides Himself, girls ignore Nachum, we end up with children, and then the sisterhood picks up dried out Hamentash filled Danish. It's a rabbit hole. And then you start making blessings to what your trainer told you to do.

There is a new thing in our shul where the president just throws out stuff. No questions. No thoughts about what is good for the shul, what is good for the structure of our shul. No thoughts of tradition. They threw out the Torah covers. Said it was an old towel with some guy's name who dedicated it in honor of his grandparents. 
No tradition in our shul anymore. Nothing has meaning. They threw out Merv's Yom Kippur lifetime seat reservation.
He threw out a pole. A structural pole. The president thought it was tradition, as the pole has been there since the shul was founded. So, he threw it out.
It's this new idea of "new is better." So, they're making everything of sheetrock. Nothing old is good.

The rabbi feels awareness is important. He brought awareness to how awkward and alone Nachum is. 
A lot of ignoring and snobbiness in the shul. And Nachum can’t get a girl to pay attention to him. I believe the lesson the rabbi was giving was that it's fine to ignore Nachum if he scares you too. He's an old single guy. He scares people. The security team, headed by Ethel, agreed that for safety, you can ignore him. 

The shul came up with a NayNay quota. No more than two rounds of NayNayNaying for any service.

We have the worst Kiddish food. This generation of Kiddishes is awful. That is one thing we can all agree on. One thing the board is behind as well.
The rabbi gave a class on what makes a good pastry. And it all came down to anything not made at Latkas Bakery. The rabbi shot down the bakery, saying it's an illegitimate bakery, as he said, "Latkas aren’t a pastry."
People have been now watching over dessert. They did the study. It turns out the rabbi is right. The Danish and black and whites only get finished at the end of Kiddish. I even saw plates filled with them. One bite and then they leave the rest.
They said I can’t say blacks and whites anymore. I have to say black and white cookies. I apologize if my explanation of pastries is racist. I just understand that everybody likes the peanut butter chocolate squares. It turns out that the study showed that those got finished right away, and there was no leftovers on plates. And countless EpiPens were used as well.
I really hope Sharon got the rabbi's message. Which was "believe in H' and don't ignore His amazing Danish. The fresh ones with cinnamon and chocolate."
The most profound lesson of the sermon is that sponge cake is for mourning. I was always wondering why they have a non-moist dried out sponge cake in marble form at Simchas. It's to remember the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash.

They truly measured everything tiny, like idiots. Like they're building the shul as a one-person Sukkah.
Walls are a handbreadth. That was a discussion at the board meeting. Nachum learned some Halacha, and he thus argued that like a Sukkah is fine with a handbreadth wall, the back of the shul Mechitzah counts as a wall. Now the back of the shul is fully open with one handbreadth jutting out. 
Nachum also said that the handbreadth Mechitzah is fine. The Frum membership will understand it's our religious duty if they know we measure it with handbreadths and cubits.
The contractor is an idiot. The rabbi said he ruined everything by listening to our congregants. The rabbi blamed the contractor for the poor Yom Kippur appeal results. 

Nobody went with the rabbi's idea of him choosing Lulavs for people, due to safety concerns. They wanted a chance to figure out what would hurt other people the most.
People took to the Lulavs, trying to figure out which one would cause the most damage. Bernie asked the rabbi, "Does a pointy Lulav hurt more, or a very sturdy hard one that you can swing?"
The Lulav and Etrog choosing this year was way too much. We had people looking for hours to figure out which Etrog to get. They have no idea what makes a good Etrog. Marty was like, “This looks like a lemon.” Took him two hours to come to that conclusion and choose it. 

People Davened in the Sukkah. They said it is more structurally sound than the shul. To quote the rabbi, "The board had nothing to do with the Sukkah. So I trust it."
In a sense, the rabbi was trying to not ignore Gd, by going back to tradition and letting the board now he hates them.

The Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor class, was really just a board meeting. The rabbi gave the meeting that name.

The first Sukkahs were made in the desert, the Midbar. The Jews lived in them. At first people were very protective of their little huts. It turns out that breaking into a Sukkah is very easy. You've got to stand guard at all times. They didn't have security conduct codes back then for Jewish communities. They didn't have Hamas back then. People weren't that scared of Amalek, and everybody knew where the community programs were. They announced the location, and people knew where to go, even before deciding on going.
Many thought to not announce the precise location of events, for safety and security reasons. However, those sects didn't take off. Their traditions got lost, because nobody could find them. This is how the tradition of the Essenes was forgotten from history. It was a Pharisee who exclaimed, "Not knowing where the event is was how we got stuck in the Midbar in the first place." 
The homes were not safe. Some of the homes even had walls that were a Tefach, one handbreadth wide. The rabbis said that constitutes a wall. The fact the rabbis said it only needs three walls, shows how not fortified the dwellings were. The Sukkah builders always skimped out saying, "The rabbis say it's a wall." To quote Ahron, "This guy took me for all I have. These Sukkah contractors are worse than my mechanic." How Sukkah developers became a business is another piece of history we will get into another time. When we talk about how the Reichmann family got started. Needless to say, Sukkah hoppers were not welcome.

The First Sukkah Hoppers
It's hard to sleep at night knowing your dwelling has a handbreadth as a wall. A lot of food was stolen. And people did not hop from Sukkah to Sukkah, or dwelling to dwelling. They walked to their neighbors' homes in the desert. And the first Sukkah hoppers got shot. Known as walkers in those days, we still call them the original hoppers.
They were shot by bow and arrow. They didn't have guns back then, and the Byrna had not been developed yet. The Byrna could've saved many of lives. Some historic accounts have a sword being used to keep the neighbor away from the Chumus. To note, though it's historic, I don't decorate my Sukkah with the illustration of the guy reaching for the Chumus with the sword jutting out of his heart.
For safety reasons, the first Sukkah hoppers were sliced by the sword. Nonetheless, we have them to thank for the tradition.

Hadrian and the Modern Sukkah
When the Jews first came back to Israel, in 1273 BCE, they were still building huts. It took a few winters and rain seasons before the Jews realized that the rabbis were not good contractors. They would see these walls and ask "Where is the rest of it?" When Rabbi Shloimy said to Pinchas ben Nachum (who nobody knows about, because he wasn't a rabbi, and he wasn't famous, and I have never seen his grave, and the only people that they buried back then were famous people- as I know from my travels in the northern parts of Israel, where every grave is of a famous person who passed- non-famous people didn't die back then) "that's a wall. It's a handbreadth," Pinchas protested and said, "Well I feel a draft." Upon this protest, the rest of the community joined Pinchas ben Nachum and hired Hadrian, which led to exile. Nonetheless, their homes were built better.
It might have been Barthalemous who was the main contractor then. I might be 1400 years off with this account. All I know is the walls on their huts finally connected. Nonetheless, they still used Schach for their roofs. A problem during the rainy season, but at least they had walls. It was a start.
Rabbi Shloimy said, "You have to listen to the rabbis." The rabbis said Rabbi Shloimy wasn't a rabbi, and he only dressed religiously to close on deals with Jews, like the mechanic. It turns out people trust a mechanic with a Yarmulke. Kippahs are supposed to remind you Gd is there, and to help close on deals.
It was at this moment, still living in huts, they realized they were starving. Food was hard to come by. It was hard times. People needed to find a way to get food.
Whatever happened, at some point Hadrian took over Israel because they had faulty roofs. And it was during this time that Sukkah hopping was revived.

In Israel They Start to Hop
First living in Sukkahs in the Holy Land, due to rabbinic building ordinance and small handbreadths, nobody had a lot of money. Hence, the ancient Israelites hopped from Sukkah to Sukkah in hopes of food. It turns out, when you see somebody hopping, you feel bad for them. You ask why they're not using their other leg. And you offer them Twizzlers.
Some of the kids skipped, as they were in Israel and joyful. However, nobody gives candy to people skipping. They're moving too fast. It's hard to chase them down, yelling, "You have too much energy. Here are some sweets."
Children skipping look too happy to receive charity. Hence, the tradition of only asking for charity in disheveled dress.

The Walking Era
People went years walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. The Mesorah, tradition, passed from generation to generation was lost. The Jewish people didn't know if they should skip or hop.
In the 1600s the community of Krakow was found walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. They said they were "getting in their steps." Nobody fell for this. They knew they were trying to get gummy worms.
Speaking of the quail who were stealing the gummy worms, many Jews in the desert were using the gummy worms, especially the florescent orange ones, to fish. Using gummy worms to fish in the desert didn't work. Which is why nobody uses gummy worms to fish today. Even in Lake Erie.
Nobody got much food walking. They would maybe get a little tea with a biscuit. Kids stopped joining for the walks. Due to the lack of food given to random people walking into Sukkahs, the community of Krakow stopped getting in their steps. And the children were not hopping. Not even for relay races. Without the candy of Sukkot, they started getting diabetes.
Then the Cossacks came and Sukkah walking, came to an end. Some hopped. The Cossacks didn’t like hoppers either. After all the destruction, even the Baal Shem Tov and the Chassidic movement couldn’t get people to hop anymore. They would only go for a Shpatzir.
Shpatziring ensued. And nobody who Shpatzirs on a holiday is going to stop in a Sukkah.

Epilogue
The Cossacks had a lot to do with the modern-day development of Sukkahs without flimsy walls.
Needless to say, the tradition of Sukkah Hopping is steeped in a dark history. 

Next time we shall discuss the reemergence of hopping with NCSY youth.