The Mouse Changed Me - Part I

by David Kilimnick

I didn't want to do it, but there was a mouse in my home. And that mouse changed my life.

Animals Scare Me
I'm not an animal person. I'm a weak human being. I will approach an animal once it's dead and eat it. But I will not pet it. And I feel bad about it. But these things scare me.
​Cats scare the living Beheyma out of me. Living in Israel, I didn't throw out my garbage for years. Those things would be waiting in there. Waiting for me to approach. They knew I was coming. Every time I threw out my trash, they’d jump at me. They'd come flying out of the bin.
Outside my apartment, coming home one night, there were fifty cars. Two cats were going at it and the others were watching the Felidae MMA Event. The cats were being entertained. One cat was taking bets. One cat was standing by the garbage, selling tickets. They called each other together to see the fight. These things communicate. And I couldn't get into my apartment that night.
I called the Israeli police and they just laughed. I thought they might come and arrest a few of them. I thought it was illegal for cats to sell tickets to fights. It turns out, that’s also legal in Israel.
Point is I didn't throw out trash for a very long time. And in America, there are racoons. Thanks to animals, I keep my house very dirty.
Animals conspire against me. Let me not get into the pigeon who's been attacking the air conditioner outside my room the past three years. Just there to wake me up and ruin my day. They know what's going on and they’re out to get me. And so are mice.
They all scare me. All I ever did was stay away from animals and eat them. No connection.

A Mouse in the House
I knew there was a mouse in the house. There was a pretzel on the floor and it was not there anymore. Somebody cleaned it up. It couldn't have been my nephews. In kindergarten, second and third grade, those kids haven't ever picked up a thing. They’ve drop stuff, but they’ve never picked anything up. Bad backs run in the family.
There was a mouse. And I didn't need a mouse gang organizing underworld mouse brawls in my house.

The Defenses
As a responsible adult, I set up defenses around the perimeter of my home. A strong security perimeter. I built up the internal defenses as well. They had already infiltrated. Mouse tactic is not some they teach you in the military. Apparently, the mouse threat is not a concern of the armed forces. The National Guard is not on rodent. Nor are the Israeli police.
I put up traps everywhere around the house, sprayed, barbed wired. My house had been infiltrated by something that was cleaning my floor. I knew something had to be done.
Barbed wire was up. Some of these mice are huge. I'm not taking any chances. I didn't want mice in the house. I definitely didn't want nephews in there. I set up a moat around the exterior. As I was digging, I found more animals. Stopped that project and now I have a messed-up patch of grass and a groundhog.
I sprayed the place with anything that could kill. The container had to look like something that brought death. I sprayed oven cleaner everywhere. Figured, that stuff has to be fatal. I touched it once and lost a finger. It's got to kill.
If you’re ever selling a kind of spray to kill animals, make sure the package has the animal dying. Words aren’t enough. The animal with no hope of life entices people to buy it. People like to see animals dying.
I went to Home Depot and got everything that looked like a mouse getting electrocuted. See a mouse getting shocked, I bought it. Any picture of a cat that looks like a serial killer, I bought the product. The scarier and more felonious the feline looks, the better. Cat with spiked hair, looks good to me. I put out those traps. Then I put up the cat pictures to scare the mice. Thought the mug shot of the cat might scare them out of the house. Let the mouse know there was a tyrant, and its name was Tomcat. I put up those Tomcat pictures, I was scared to walk around the house. That's a scary looking cat.
I figured. If cats scare me, they must frighten the Beheyma out of mice.
Defenses were up. I used every trap.
People said don't put out the glue traps. I asked them why. Answer. "Because they work. Mice don't like them and they work." Then they said something about the mouse suffers as it dies slowly. So, I put it out.
Put out the clip trap. That caught my finger.
Put out the maze trap where they go inside think they're having fun, and die. The maze trap didn't work. The mouse has to find the entrance to that thing. It's a maze. To get over the ramp into that thing, you've got to be a brilliant mouse looking for a fun activity. I got rid of the maze fun park trap. My goal wasn't to set up a rodent jungle gym. I got a Rubik's Cube instead. Gave the mouse another activity to keep him occupied. Take his mind off of eating my wall.
Got the shock trap, where they go through a mouse hallway and get zapped. I guess that incapacitates them for a few minutes, before they wake up and finish their burglary of my house.
​I prayed. When you go to battle, you pray. Just as Yaakov. I prayed and set up traps. I put out traps with peanut butter. Peanut butter was the gift. I went Biblical on the mice. I get my battle ideas from the Torah.
I used peanut butter on every trap. The barbed wire was smothered. This way you touch the barbed wire and your hands get sticky. Everybody said "use peanut butter." Peanut butter was on every trap and not one of those traps caught a mouse. 
 
Most people suggested the maze trap, as then you can carry the mouse out of your home, let it live and drop it in your neighbor’s yard. Give them the mouse problem. But I’m not that much of an animal activist.
I would’ve purchased the mouse edible block poison, but I didn’t need the mouse tripping all over my house. The peanut butter also didn’t spread well on the edible. Instead, I put out bread. Figured peanut butter on bread is excellent. I like that. Mice would like that too.
 
That was a good five days at Home Depot and the grocery store. Why the Wegmans grocery store sells mouse traps. They’re a loss leader for peanut butter.
My house was secured and ready. Traps out. I learned a lot. One thing I learned, mice don't like peanut butter. Maybe they're allergic to peanut butter. I don't know.
 
The Search
For months I heard the mouse running around the house. But I wasn't a hundred percent sure. I thought it was the new wood floor they put in, settling, pitter-pattering every night. Maybe a cockroach. The mouse was gaslighting me. These animals are smart. They know what they're doing.
Every day I checked the mouse traps, to make sure they didn’t work. And to make sure I didn’t have to pick up another jar of peanut butter. I was running out.
I didn't want the traps to work. If I catch the mouse, what then?!
 
The Mouse Was There
I'm walking up the stairs from the basement. I did laundry that night. I have to walk all the way down the stairs to put up a load, then I have to walk back up. I'm almost as scared to do laundry as I am to throw out garbage. I'm walking up the stairs and I see something pretty big on the glue trap. My soul fell. My heart dropped. My eyes got wet. It's been fifteen years since I've achieved anything. I went on a four day fishing trip. Caught nothing. 
Must've been the Shpritz I sprayed around the house, with the picture of a mouse going to hell on it.
It wasn't one of my nephews. It was the mouse. The glue trap caught it. I know because I saw it breathing. A creature of Gd that was not a spider. Nor was it one of my kin that doesn't help around the house.
I felt so bad. I didn’t want to kill it. I definitely didn’t want to see it suffering on the glue trap. I would’ve much rather put it in my neighbor’s house. And I cared about this mouse. What could I do? Could I drop off the glue trap with the mouse on it at my neighbor?

Now that the trap worked, my heart was broken. Yet, I felt like a champion. A champion who felt pain.
 
Postscript
It wasn’t the peanut butter. The mouse ate none of the peanut butter. The peanut butter was still there.
Is peanut butter inhumane? I can't tell you. 

To be honest. Those glue traps are great for catching spiders. Centipedes, ants, spiders. Mice eat those. Put centipedes on the mouse traps. Just a piece of advice.
 
Somebody got wind of the pictures I put up to scare the mouse. They thought I lost my pet. Ended up bringing me an actual tomcat. Now I have no idea how to get rid of the thing. There are no tomcat traps with scary looking mice on them. Now, I’m too scared to throw out garbage in my house.