The Kids Now Know About Cancer and That's Good

by David Kilimnick

Thoughts from a Waiting Room #15

The kids are already in on it. And now they're asking questions. And I can't answer anything. They want to know about aneurysms, strokes and cancer. Sometimes, it's hard to come up with a good answer for a six-year-old. It was easier to answer the questions about how they got into this world.

Sniffles Didn't Work
Hiding a stroke and cancer with "sniffles" does not work. Most of the nephews and nieces didn't fall for landing in a hospital for months due to sniffles. The kids didn't go for the stories about sniffles that kill people. The jig was up.
They're saying, "I had a fever last week. Can’t Grandpa take Tylenol?!" "If it's nothing serious, why can’t we visit?" "Why did Grandpa have surgery?" "He had a cough." "I had a cough. They cut grandpa’s throat for a cough?!… Maybe it's the sniffles. That's the real bad stuff."
The only positive result of sniffles was one of my nephews lost days of sleep after he sneezed. He's now extremely conscious of his sniffles. And that's sanitary.
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They Started Doing Research
Antennas are up. The kids are all over the internet. And I'm not letting them on my phone. I'm not going to be an accomplice for sniffles.
They’re showing up to school, talking about intubations and how pulling out plugs isn't always a good thing. Now the one is taking the Rorschach test. My brother is getting asked questions about why his child thinks you have to cut open a throat and passively kill a family member for sniffles.

It's the Right Thing to Let Them Know
Give the kids a chance to be decent people.
In Israel, kids know. They know they're in a bomb shelter. They hear about people dying. They hear the bombs going off. And then they go out and play on the swing set. Knowing that bombs are coming into their Sderot neighborhood. Asking why their parents are fine with them heading to the jungle gym. And they're still happy. They turn into caring people.
Give the kids a chance to help. They should know life sucks. Strokes, aneurysms, cancer. You're in kindergarten, you should know that death is just around the corner. You get recess, you run around the soccer field and then there's intubation. 
Maybe the death thing is a little much. We're talking about care. About wanting to be there for people who aren't doing well. Maybe focus more on financial crisis and the collapse of the economy.
Maybe coloring books. Maybe have them color some "get well soon" cards. That's maybe the way to go. Maybe I jumped the gun with daily discussion of bombs going off at recess. 

It's About Caring
Let them know. Maybe they'll turn into decent people that care. That realize life has its hard times. Maybe they'll think twice before scoring a goal in a soccer game.
Visiting the sick and the elderly is something little kids should know about. It's part of life. If you're not privy to catheters by the time you're in first grade, you're not going to grow into a caring individual. 
My nephews and nieces heard about their Bubbie in the hospital. They want to visit. They want to make cards with pictures of illness. Cancer abstracts.
They know grandpa has deadly sniffles, they can now pray and say Tehillim for the sick people. They can visit. They learn to appreciate school without getting shot at. They want to go to nursing homes. They have a reason to draw something and give their extremely poor art to somebody. They learn to thank mom for dinner and the ability to eat food that's not pureed.
I'm suggesting tours of nursing homes and the ER for the little ones. That's how you get them to behave.

OK - Sharing Intubations with Kids is More Nuanced
Parents have to make decisions based on their children and how their state enforces child services.
Maybe not all the kids should know everything. Got to finesse that.
OK. Maybe there's an age where you start to tell them. Maybe they're not ready for all the ins and outs about cancer in preschool.
Showing up to show and tell with a trach isn't the usual thing. Now the kid is in kindergarten, showing his friends, "This is an intubation tube… My grandpa is dying. Check this out. It's called a trach. You see. It's a tube. You cut open the throat and stick it in there. My grandpa has one of these. This is a catheter. They put that..."
I can tell you, in Israel show and tall is a little different. "They blew up my house. Rockets came in from Gaza. And this is the piece of my house that's left."
Maybe some kids need a couple years to think you can play on a seesaw and not get shot at. There are a lot of weak kids nowadays. 

When I see my nephews and nieces and all these kids that deal with real stuff, it leaves an impact. And most of them want to be good people. Some like being very not helpful. But you let them see the trachs, you can at least weed out the bad ones.
Now one of them wants to be a doctor.​ I would not trust that kid with a scalpel. That kid's got to finish the fourth grade. Can't even figure out multiplication. Very excited about intubations. Too excited about incisions and cutting people open at this age. Trying to get her to focus on the prayers and the get well cards.

Conclusion
​Give kids credit. When they're children, they can still care about life. They have feelings. At least we like to think they do. Some of them have feelings. I met one that cared. There's got to be another one out there.

Not all kids are ready for the ICU information. You've got to pick what you share. When they're in nursery school, you let them know grandma has a booboo. When they’re in elementary school, you let them know grandma has it bad. She’s in the hospital. When they’re in high school, you let them know it’s their fault. 
Maybe wait till they're out of the ICU. The kids can know something is bad. But it's better they're not in the ICU. Maybe high school. Once they're in high school, the ICU is a time for them. Just make sure the idiots aren't in the waiting room playing spit. I see my high school nephews and nieces having a ball, screaming "spit." The family next to us is discussing when they should pull the plug. The post-surgical intensive care is not the right place for hide and go seek.

For those too young to be at the hospital, prayers and drawings are a beautiful way to show love. Abstracts of aneurysms is not a card somebody wants to get. Maybe leave it at "Get well soon." For teenagers too stupid to be in a hospital, send them for ice cream.

People want to help and they need that chance. Even little kids, who do nothing of use. You need to be honest with your children to give them the chance to not grow into total selfish jerks. COVID already did a number on their personality. Let them know they should think about other people, because you never know when sniffles and cancer hits. That's how good parents say good night to their children.
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***Thoughts From a Waiting Room are thoughts revisited from 2019-2020 in 2026 form. LRefuah Sheleyma LKol HaCholim and shared laughter with their family and friends, bZchut Avi HaRav Yeshaya Ben Yechezkel HaLevi ZT"L vImi HaRabbanit Necha Bat Chayim Zeydel A"H LAliyat Nishmatam.