Nurses Are Amazing: Showing Appreciation

by David Kilimnick

Thoughts from A Waiting Room #2

We’ve been in the ICU for a week now. I want to talk about appreciation and that means food.

Appreciate Nurses Not Doctors
Forget about doctors right now. I am grateful beyond words to them and they don't like talking to me. They only talk with family members of importance. That includes family members that are doctors and pets.
We're talking nurses today. Nurses who go to school and learn how to have a heart and care for people all day long. Doctors care in spurts. Doctors care for the requisite 'hello' and then start thinking about how they're going to cut me open. They're thinking what kind of scalpel will work on me.
I want to show the nurses appreciation. The necessary emotion they bring to the job. I'm amazed at the amount of care they show. I studied acting. I can pull kindness for thirteen minutes. I'm not a method actor. I've timed my ability to care, sitting with community members at shul. I've timed it. I once made it to thirteen minutes listening to Fran talk about her grandchildren. At thirteen minutes, I ran, left my gefilte fish and Kichel on the table. I stayed away from shul for two weeks after that.

Showing Appreciation with Food
We brought them donuts. They appreciated that. Donuts and coffee. That is how you show appreciation in the hospital, if police are taking care of your mother. You bring them donuts and coffee.
The next day, we brought them baked ziti, fruit and salad. They don't like us anymore. Salad is not a way to show appreciation. Cabbage is not a gift. You don't make friends with celery sticks. You can try to wow them with peanut butter. They still won't like you. And they definitely won't like you if you bring pasta in cylinder form.
Cake, candy, ice coffee. That's how you show appreciation. Stuff that makes you fat.
Fruit might work. but only in platter form. Once they platter it, that's real expensive, and that's appreciated. And don’t ruin chocolate by putting it on a strawberry. It's not appreciated. And we're not sure if that makes the chocolate healthy or not. Quite confusing.

Why Show Appreciation
Nurses like to put on weight.
They will treat your loved ones better if you put out stuff they can't eat at home. It turns out that some nurses force the healthy stuff on their kids. They show up to work for the chocolate. And their kids think asparagus makes you fat.
If you end up bringing a tortilla salad, with soggy tortillas, they're pulling the plug without even asking the family first. I heard about that in the waiting room.

Waiting Room Advice
We learned the technicalities of nurse feeding from our buddies in the waiting room. Working nurses is a big topic in the waiting room. Working nurses and death.
A woman in the waiting room told us the rehab technique of leaving the donuts and candy in the room. She also suggested to buy them trinkets, even though you can't eat them. This way they want to help the patient. Her loved one was on life support, but she understood what was important. Candy.
The candy in room technique is quite helpful. The candy works as nurse bait. Taffy works best. It takes a while to chew, and it keeps them in the room for a few extra minutes.
To cover all bases, we put out Kinder eggs. They got those little toy trinkets inside the chocolate. I believe Kinder Co. is trying to corner the waiting room market.
I was a bit hesitant to take her advice, as she was working for her family member as well. Nonetheless, I found an excellent deal on Kinder.

Now the Nurses Expect the Food
We gave the nurses some of the food. That was a mistake. Now they expect it.
We forgot one day, they ignored us. We pressed the emergency bell to the room, nobody came.
To get the nurses to stop complaining, we gave them the ziti. They stopped asking for food after that. It turns out nobody likes ziti, or people who give it to them. To quote, 'Ziti?!!! The family couldn't even get us mac and cheese. Oxygen is dropping. Til the family brings mac and ice coffee, they're on their own. I'm not going.'
We had a family discussion about higher quality food. We can't live up to nightly shnitzel and brisket for all the nurses and aides in the ICU. We're sticking to donuts and coffee.
It turns out the nurses only come if they're getting apple fritters. The machine beeping with the heart rate monitor, showing 'oxygen low,' does not bring nurses to the room. Fritters.
To quote: 'There are no fritters and coffee. Let the machine beep.' Response of Aide: 'I think they're the ones that brought us the ziti.' Nurse Again: 'I hear you. Let somebody else cover that room.'

Things I Learned
Show proper appreciation to the nurses and give them cake. Better yet, donuts. Don't try to be fancy. Stick to donuts and coffee. Or donut cake and coffee.
If you want people to hate you, give them vegetables. And never give anybody ziti, unless if you're looking to make an enemy.
Some nurses eat healthy. They're losers. We will discuss them another time. There's no pleasing these people.
If you truly care about your loved one's well-being, bring coffee slushies. Even the healthy nurses like those. Coffee slushies are part of the health category of food. Once the sugar is served in frozen coffee form, it's healthy.
Never buy doctors anything. They make enough off the insurance. They can afford coffee and donuts.

Conclusion
Don't waste money on nurses, buying them jewelry. Stick to trinkets.
Some nurses don't like to talk to me either, even if I have donuts.
Forget about the aides. Nobody thinks about the aides or CNAs. So, don't worry about getting them anything. They don't have access to the meds.
If it wasn't for food, I would be questioning why we have community. If it wasn't for food, nurses would be questioning why they're taking care of these people.

***For an Aliyas Neshama for HaRabbetzin Necha Bat Chayim Zaydel A”H and a Refuah Sheleyma for all who need a speedy recovery, and shared laughter with their family and friends.