Memoirs of My Stroke Day VII: There's a Yahrzeit and a Fast

by Phillip Engelman

AHHHHH!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! 
OK. Man, that hurt. Nobody is doing anything!
There's no way that didn't show on the squiggly line screen.
The family is sitting right there. Doing nothing. Watching TV. Is nobody going to do anything?!
AHHHHHH!!!! DAMN!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PAIN????!!!!
OK. I feel better. The tubes though.
Got all these tubes in me. I had a dream I was going to be a balloon in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I still can't get over the trach. They trached me. Didn't ask me. Just stuck a tube in me. Thought, "Let's put another orifice in him. And then stick plastic in there." You ask people before putting a tube in their throat. It's the proper etiquette to ask.
Doctors love seeing tubes in people. They like to pop that thing in. Then they stick you with thirty tubes. Tell you they're for hydration and nutrients, to keep you alive. The extent they're willing to go. Whatever they can do to see more tubes coming out of you. I thought I had another limb coming out of my neck. 
Doctors get very excited when they get to cut holes in people. Dr. Feigenbloom was so happy, yelling, "I'm cutting a hole!!!!! We can get another hole in Phillip's arm."
My doctor thinks it’s a lab. They think I'm an experiment. He took a scalpel. Thought I was a frog. 
They only thing more exciting to my doctor than cutting a hole in me was him popping in the tube.
It gives them something to do. We need to give doctors other activities. They're very fidgety. Maybe darts. If they played darts more, that might keep them occupied. I would have less tubes coming out of me. My doctor would probably put the target paper on me and start aiming. I can't stand the guy. He's definitely out to get me. Either he's trying to kill me, or he's poking me with as many needles as he can, or he's got a weird idea of how to tickle people. Whatever it is, it's an abusive relationship.
​
Now they're all looking at me differently. I'm not a person anymore. They don't see me. They see the tube. It's like I'm a machine now. A machine with a prosthetic throat.
It's the tube. That's why people are looking at me differently. The stroke and not being able to move or talk might also have something to do with it. But it's definitely the tube. Not one person has asked me "what are we doing tonight?" Since I've had the tube in, nobody's asked me to hang out. Not one person has mentioned pickup basketball. Not one person brought up shopping. I would like a new button-down. Nobody told me about the sale at Kohl's. Summer vacation coming up. Nobody brought that up. Nobody brought up camping. I just got a new tent. 
​I'll get over it. Do you ever get over a tube in your throat? Is there a point where that becomes a regular thing? "That's the way Gd intended it." Is that what people say when they're living their whole life like that?! "Electricity. I need electricity." "We can go hiking on flat ground, as long as there is a sidewalk. And electricity. A nature walk, where we have outlets."

Did we miss the Yahrzeit? Who is doing Kaddish. Man. They're leaving me out of stuff. They better not have missed the Yahrzeit. The candles are in the basement. I told them the candles are in the basement. I don't see a candle in my room.
Dad passed. You better be lighting the Yahrzeit candle. The one that says "Yahrzeit" on it. Better not be lighting the Dollar General stuff. The sacrament candles. Trying to convert everybody to Christianity. You think you're spreading some decent scents in your house, next thing you know, they've baptized your house with the scent of the church. Then you have doctors trying to heal your home, drilling holes in your roof.

I'm worried about the Yahrzeit. Nobody said a thing.
The one thing I ask. Respect the Yahrzeit of my dad. Did you all go to the Kever? If you went to the grave, did you ask them to put in a good word for me with Gd? What did you say?
There is no way they put in a good word. Unless if they're asking my dad to put in a good word with Gd to get more tubes popped in my throat.
Your prayers aren't working. How bad is your Kavanah? Focus. Tell them he doesn't want more orifices, and he doesn't want a needle in his... He wants to be able to pee.
What are you doing there, at the Kever? Spacing out?! It's the Yahrzet. Get something done.

The Yahrzeit is important. That's why I live. You want to think about the past. The people. Pay respect.

Isn't it Tisha BAv? Was it Tisha BAv. Forget about me for a moment. Dad passed. And the Temples are destroyed. We're in exile.
Who is mourning here? Every one of my family members is watching the WNBA in the waiting room. Relaxing and eating pizza the community bought. They're not even here for me. They're here for the free pizza.
Must not be Tisha BAv. They're not fasting. Did they at least fast on Tisha BAv? They were definitely not mourning. They showed up to visit me to have an excuse to sit on chairs on Tisha BAv. ​They're here because they want to sit on chairs.
Do I have to remind these people of the destruction of the Temples.

People are definitely messing up stuff. The Kiddish at shul is messed up still. Have they changed the egg salad back to regular egg salad yet. They better not still be using the pre-peeled eggs. Those things are disgusting. The egg salad at our post shul snack Kiddish is a pre-mourning meal. That should be the last meal of mourning before Tisha BAv. Our sisterhoods pre-peeled egg salad.
What has society come to where people can't peel eggs anymore. 
If I can talk again, I will make sure that people are respecting dad's Yahrzeit, mourning the Temple, and making decent egg salad. I will also stop doctors from cutting up people without their permission. That's a cause I'm behind. You show up to a doctor's appointment and they assume you want them to slash you. I would rather get jumped in the streets. At least there, I have a fighting chance.

​They need me. They need my voice. The community needs me. The family needs me. The death and destruction of my people needs me. AHHHHH!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! 
I am feeling pain today. At least I'm feeling the pain of my people. The pain of missing dad. AHHHHHH!!!! DAMN!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!! 

I've got to get better to tell them about the Yahrzeit.
I do see a digital light in the corner of the room. You can't digital a Yahrzeit candle. A plug-in Yahrzeit candle. Don't tell me they got a plug-in. They now have pluggable Yahrzeit candles. Are we going to be doing pluggables for Chanukah now. And plug-in Shabbat candles. Did the stroke turn me reform. Am I a reform Jew now.
AHHHHH!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! 
Why did everybody leave. They better be fasting. I'm mourning and I'm fasting. The doctor cut me up and there's a tube in my neck.