Memoirs of My Stoke Day VI: Don't Put On The News

by Phillip Engelman

My Tuchis just got clean. I feel like a million dollars. Now, it would be nice to have people visit. Somebody to turn on the TV. Can you imagine TV with a clean Tuchis. Heaven.

Thank Gd. Family finally visited again. I guess you have to wait till Sunday to get guests. They come on Sundays. And if I don't have guests, other people get them. Which is sometimes better. You see new faces, different people, and you don't have to deal with them. They disturb other people's sleep. But family is here and it's great and they better turn on the TV.
The rest of the week I'm on my own. Trying to flip the channels through telekinesis.

And they put on the TV. Thank Gd.
And like idiots they put on Fox News. You don't put on Fox News when there's nursing staff. They hate Trump.
I heard my nursing assistant say something about privilege and having to eat baked ziti the other day. She said that she doesn't have the privilege of families bringing her doughnuts like the other aides. She hates Trump. And with Fox News and no doughnuts, I will never have a clean Tuchis again.

I know there's a war going on. I hear it when they put on CNN. That's how I know they hate Trump. One staff member said, "I hope the Americans die." And there you go. You put on Fox News, you're taking a chance with my life. It's like a military field hospital here. We're all in beds. They see Fox News, they get the feeling we're at war. They see I'm the enemy.

Wait!!! This nurse is a MAGA person. I know because she never says anything. She wants to keep her job. Put on Fox News now. Switch it!!!
Today, you can put on Fox. I'm blinking. It's a Fox News day. Does anybody notice I'm blinking?

I still can't get over the trach. They trached me a few days ago. That got the doctors excited. Doctors get very excited when they get to cut holes in people. Dr. Feigenbloom was so happy, yelling, "I'm making an orifice!"
My doctor thinks it’s a lab. They think I'm an experiment. He took a scalpel. Thought I was a frog.
They only thing more exciting to my doctor than cutting a hole in me was him popping in the tube. Doctors love putting tubes in people. It gives them something to do. The doctor re-trached me today. The excitement showed when he yelled, "I'm popping in another tube. I'm making another orifice!"
If the aides would only get this excited to clean a Tuchis.

People don't take you as seriously when you have a trach. The conversation changes. Not as many questions. They seem to talk a lot more. 
Now every visitor looks at me differently. I'm not a person anymore. They don't see me. They see the tube. It's like I'm a machine now. A machine with a prosthetic throat.
It's the tube. That's why people are looking at me differently. The stroke and not being able to move or talk might also have something to do with it. But it's definitely the tube.

Great to see you all!!! I guess they can't hear that. Well. They left.

Shoot. They left Fox on. I hope they blame that right-wing Trump loving nurse for this. I want somebody to clean my Tuchis before next Sunday. Politics should not influence Tuchis cleaning.
I hope they at least clean that new orifice my doctor threw in. I don't even know if he had a reason. He had his scalpel and figured "this guy won't say anything."

Why I'm abandoned? I'm not annoying. I don't cough. I don't talk. I don't slick back my hair. I seem to be a pretty decent guy to hang around right now. But I will not see them till next Sunday.
I hope Fox does a news exclusive on how important it is to bathe.
Do these people here think I'm supposed to do it myself. Are the aides and the medical staff walking around, talking about how unhygienic I am?!

The new shift just came. They changed it to CNN. I have feeling they're trying to indoctrinate me. That's what they do. They see a trach and they work with the nursing homes to indoctrinate you. And then they vote for you.
I hope I can talk again. I have so much I want to share about the war. If my family finds out I've been watching CNN, they will kill me. But as I learned from the nursing staff, never listen to your family. Your family is evil.