AHHHHH!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! 
OK. Man, that hurt. Nobody is doing anything!
There's no way that didn't show on the squiggly line screen.
The family is sitting right there. Doing nothing. Watching TV. Is nobody going to do anything?!
AHHHHHH!!!! DAMN!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PAIN????!!!!
OK. I feel better. The tubes though.
Got all these tubes in me. I had a dream I was going to be a balloon in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I still can't get over the trach. They trached me. Didn't ask me. Just stuck a tube in me. Thought, "Let's put another orifice in him. And then stick plastic in there." You ask people before putting a tube in their throat. It's the proper etiquette to ask.
Doctors love seeing tubes in people. They like to pop that thing in. Then they stick you with thirty tubes. Tell you they're for hydration and nutrients, to keep you alive. The extent they're willing to go. Whatever they can do to see more tubes coming out of you. I thought I had another limb coming out of my neck. 
Doctors get very excited when they get to cut holes in people. Dr. Feigenbloom was so happy, yelling, "I'm cutting a hole!!!!! We can get another hole in Phillip's arm."
My doctor thinks it’s a lab. They think I'm an experiment. He took a scalpel. Thought I was a frog. 
They only thing more exciting to my doctor than cutting a hole in me was him popping in the tube.
It gives them something to do. We need to give doctors other activities. They're very fidgety. Maybe darts. If they played darts more, that might keep them occupied. I would have less tubes coming out of me. My doctor would probably put the target paper on me and start aiming. I can't stand the guy. He's definitely out to get me. Either he's trying to kill me, or he's poking me with as many needles as he can, or he's got a weird idea of how to tickle people. Whatever it is, it's an abusive relationship.
​
Now they're all looking at me differently. I'm not a person anymore. They don't see me. They see the tube. It's like I'm a machine now. A machine with a prosthetic throat.
It's the tube. That's why people are looking at me differently. The stroke and not being able to move or talk might also have something to do with it. But it's definitely the tube. Not one person has asked me "what are we doing tonight?" Since I've had the tube in, nobody's asked me to hang out. Not one person has mentioned pickup basketball. Not one person brought up shopping. I would like a new button-down. Nobody told me about the sale at Kohl's. Summer vacation coming up. Nobody brought that up. Nobody brought up camping. I just got a new tent. 
​I'll get over it. Do you ever get over a tube in your throat? Is there a point where that becomes a regular thing? "That's the way Gd intended it." Is that what people say when they're living their whole life like that?! "Electricity. I need electricity." "We can go hiking on flat ground, as long as there is a sidewalk. And electricity. A nature walk, where we have outlets."

Did we miss the Yahrzeit? Who is doing Kaddish. Man. They're leaving me out of stuff. They better not have missed the Yahrzeit. The candles are in the basement. I told them the candles are in the basement. I don't see a candle in my room.
Dad passed. You better be lighting the Yahrzeit candle. The one that says "Yahrzeit" on it. Better not be lighting the Dollar General stuff. The sacrament candles. Trying to convert everybody to Christianity. You think you're spreading some decent scents in your house, next thing you know, they've baptized your house with the scent of the church. Then you have doctors trying to heal your home, drilling holes in your roof.

I'm worried about the Yahrzeit. Nobody said a thing.
The one thing I ask. Respect the Yahrzeit of my dad. Did you all go to the Kever? If you went to the grave, did you ask them to put in a good word for me with Gd? What did you say?
There is no way they put in a good word. Unless if they're asking my dad to put in a good word with Gd to get more tubes popped in my throat.
Your prayers aren't working. How bad is your Kavanah? Focus. Tell them he doesn't want more orifices, and he doesn't want a needle in his... He wants to be able to pee.
What are you doing there, at the Kever? Spacing out?! It's the Yahrzet. Get something done.

The Yahrzeit is important. That's why I live. You want to think about the past. The people. Pay respect.

Isn't it Tisha BAv? Was it Tisha BAv. Forget about me for a moment. Dad passed. And the Temples are destroyed. We're in exile.
Who is mourning here? Every one of my family members is watching the WNBA in the waiting room. Relaxing and eating pizza the community bought. They're not even here for me. They're here for the free pizza.
Must not be Tisha BAv. They're not fasting. Did they at least fast on Tisha BAv? They were definitely not mourning. They showed up to visit me to have an excuse to sit on chairs on Tisha BAv. ​They're here because they want to sit on chairs.
Do I have to remind these people of the destruction of the Temples.

People are definitely messing up stuff. The Kiddish at shul is messed up still. Have they changed the egg salad back to regular egg salad yet. They better not still be using the pre-peeled eggs. Those things are disgusting. The egg salad at our post shul snack Kiddish is a pre-mourning meal. That should be the last meal of mourning before Tisha BAv. Our sisterhoods pre-peeled egg salad.
What has society come to where people can't peel eggs anymore. 
If I can talk again, I will make sure that people are respecting dad's Yahrzeit, mourning the Temple, and making decent egg salad. I will also stop doctors from cutting up people without their permission. That's a cause I'm behind. You show up to a doctor's appointment and they assume you want them to slash you. I would rather get jumped in the streets. At least there, I have a fighting chance.

​They need me. They need my voice. The community needs me. The family needs me. The death and destruction of my people needs me. AHHHHH!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! 
I am feeling pain today. At least I'm feeling the pain of my people. The pain of missing dad. AHHHHHH!!!! DAMN!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!! 

I've got to get better to tell them about the Yahrzeit.
I do see a digital light in the corner of the room. You can't digital a Yahrzeit candle. A plug-in Yahrzeit candle. Don't tell me they got a plug-in. They now have pluggable Yahrzeit candles. Are we going to be doing pluggables for Chanukah now. And plug-in Shabbat candles. Did the stroke turn me reform. Am I a reform Jew now.
AHHHHH!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! 
Why did everybody leave. They better be fasting. I'm mourning and I'm fasting. The doctor cut me up and there's a tube in my neck.

I am here. In the hospital. It's probably day 35. I'm working with day 3. Things move slower when they throw a trach in you.

I know it's Chanukah. People are celebrating Christmas.
Some lady came around with a Santa hat. That was the holiday. Nothing for Chanukah. When you're sick and you can't talk, you're Christian.
The chaplain came around. That was nice. He gave me a blessing and an ornament. He just hung the ornament on me. He figured, "The guy can't move. That's good enough." Then he started caroling.
I think it has to do with Engelman. They think it's Engelhardt and they start giving me sacraments. Right now, I'm worried whenever they bathe me. I don't know if they're trying to clean me or convert me. If I had more of a name like Goldberg, Irving Goldberg, people would know.
Maybe if my family was around and put up something in my room, other than a card from my boss, who is Christian, they might know I'm Jewish.

No Chanukah gifts. I got a Chanukah card that said "Get Well Soon." When you're in the hospital, all cards are the same.
It was a "Get Well Soon" card. The card didn't say, "We hope to see you at home soon." I don't think anybody wants to see me at home. You don't usually see the cripple at shul. They don't like seeing wheelchairs at synagogue. People see a guy in a wheelchair, with a trach and an oxygen tank, and they start to think Gd doesn't answer prayers.

Last days, people have stopped coming. They figure, they don’t want to me to
expect it. I might complain. I can’t talk!!!
They must be mad I missed the softball game. They were depending on me. Your team has got to be real bad to be hoping the guy in the wheelchair loaded on morphine can take over the game. Maybe they were hoping I would get walked. Or pushed.

Family stopped by for a minute. That was nice. They popped in to tell me they were going to a Chanukah party. They thought I would appreciate knowing they are not going to be with me.
There is this concept that you can't be happy in hospital. Then what do you expect from me. Stuck to a bed. Staring at a screen that has squiggly lines all over it, and numbers that nurses don't seem to like.
My whole family is convinced you can't celebrate in the hospital. The hospital is not the place for holidays. And it's not a place to visit your dad.
Forget about a party. They didn't even acknowledge the holiday in my room. Do I not deserve the right to get a Chanukiah. I would like the holiday candelabrum. I guess they think it’s dangerous to light when you have an oxygen machine. The priest is at least trying. He keeps asking the nurses when he'll be able to put a cracker in my mouth.

Where the hell is my family? I don't care it's a holiday. It's not like they have ever enjoyed the community parties. They complain about it all the time.
I guess it has something to do with ICU. Maybe the ICU is a downer. We'll see what happens when I'm out of here.
Wait. There's a waiting room here. My parents are loving the hospital. The waiting room is a family reunion. Everybody loves it. Friends pop over to those things. Nothing is more enjoyable for a family than surgery. Everybody gets together.
They should be celebrating a Chanukah party in the waiting room. Maybe that sounds off. Big parties in the waiting room and other families are coming in trying to figure out if the doctor is right and they should pull the plug. "You want some Chanukah Gelt? It's chocolate in silver foil."
I say celebrate it all. Every moment. I’m alive. Celebrate the stroke. And cry. People should cry a little. I want to know people are crying.
You can enjoy the holiday in the hospital. Put up streamers. That's all I want are streamers.

I've started thinking positive and appreciating the small things. That sounds cliche. But when your way of celebrating Chanukah is by seeing nurses in Santa hats, you appreciate it all. So let's count the Chanukah miracles. I coughed today and I didn't get a cramp in my stomach. That made me not want to die. The doctor didn't call me a vegetable or a Chanukiah today. The chaplain thought I was an ornament holder. Did I get any Chanukah gifts? Got a blood transfusion. I guess that was a gift. My butt got wiped today. That was appreciated. Nobody pulled a plug. Thank Gd. My TV is on. They haven't changed the channel from Weather in eight days. But at least no plugs were pulled on me. Maybe my family loves me.
People are caroling. That’s nice. I guess I’ll take those as Jewish songs.

If my kids came around, that would be a miracle.
"Can somebody hear me?! I want streamers!!!! I guess I am not saying anything. Can somebody hear my thoughts?! Steamers!!! It's a holiday. Steamers!!! I need streamers in my room. Stop looking at the machine. Put streamers on it."
We have to celebrate each moment on this earth by doing good. Even when we have it real bad, we need streamers. Maybe that's the morphine talking.
My prayers will be answered if people still appreciate me, and somebody gets streamers. Streamers!!! It's a holiday!!!!

I want my family to go to the shul Chanukah party. But I also want them to come here and tell me how messed up it was. I want them to celebrate with me too.
What I'm trying to say is holidays are about joy. Celebrating is about joy. Not Latkes that turn out to be soggy Tater Tots. That's how Mrs. Pinkowitz makes them. We all know it's Tater Tots. They're tiny round Latkes. The chaplain gets that. My family doesn't get that. And I need streamers!!! Streamers!!!