You Have to Pay a Shadchan

by David Kilimnick

How AI sees two Jews on a date. Naturally, they thought the two were perfect because of the size of their noses. If AI was setting you up with a Jew, they'd make sure the person had a huge nose.

You have to pay the matchmaker. I did the research. It's true. Many people don't know this. They get hit by this shocker and make the mistake of getting married. They think they're just paying for the wedding hall, and now they have to pay the Shadchan. You must be prepared to budget for the caterer, the band and the person who finally set you up with somebody you did not find hideous.
I want you to be prepared to lose your money when you get married. So, we are going to talk about how much you have to pay a Shadchan.
Before starting, I would like to give credit to the Shadchans for doing this great Mitzvah of setting people up. They deserve our respect and appreciation. Without matchmakers who knows how many more people would be married.

The Source
For some reason, I can't find an original source for this law. But I know it's a law, as I just saw it on Saw You at Sinai, an online matchmaker site that you thought you already paid for.
The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 87:39 and 264:7) teaches that the Shadchan is like any worker. Thus, they deserve a fee. I believe that fee is two-thousand dollars an hour for the email they sent with a name of a girl that might be perfect, because she is Jewish.
You're paying for their labor. It would appear that according to the Rama, if they're on shift at the docks unloading containers from ships they should get paid, even if they're a matchmaker. Which is why most cargo ships don't hire Shadchans. Yentas are not very helpful with manual labor. Standing there trying to make sure none of the guys sprain their backs does not help work get done. Telling everybody, "You shouldn't be lifting such heavy boxes. You'll hurt yourself. And you should dress nicer," is not what they want at the ship yard. They don't need people bothering everybody else on shift, trying to figure out why Vlad is still single, bringing up great ideas they have for Shayna Maidel non-Jewish girl. They don't need a caring mother telling them, "If you had a better job, you'd be more of a catch."

What Is the Labor
It's the time, the research. That is what you pay a Shadchan for. Many say that they have to put in time for all of those Shidduchs that don't work out. Which is their main focus. They're spending most of their time trying to figure matches that are bad ideas. And then they present that to you. It is thus important you pay for all the bad ideas and painful dates they set you up on.
All the bad dates you went on over the years, thanks to the Shadchans, you have to pay for that. They put the time into ensuring that you meet somebody you're not attracted to. They put the time into pushing ideas of matches that live eight thousand miles away. They put time into blaming you for being the issue for thinking the unattractive guy, eight thousand miles away, who refuses travel to see you, is a bad idea.

How Much You Must Pay
If the Shidduch works out you must pay $1,200, $1,500, or 13K if you ask a Shadchan.
If you use SawYouatSinai.com, you have to pay more. App membership doesn't cover the matchmaker. Making it the most expensive dating website, if it works. The hope is it doesn't work, and you save on the Shadchan fee.

Who Pays?
Does the guy have to pay this too? That seems to be a yes. They guy is supposed to pay for the dates and the Shadchan. Some say the woman should also pay, which is why most people are not for progressive Judaism. This is the one thing that is keeping the Frum women from joining the feminist movement. They don't want to pay the Shadchans.
If you ask the Shadchan, each side has to pay the 13K.

Do Shadchans Pay for Bad Dates?
No. Shadchans don't pay for bad dates. Many have asked this question.  Excellent question. There are no rebates.
I've personally saved receipts. Rabbis have addressed this and made it clear you can't hand those in when you get engaged. You can't go to the Shadchan with a forty-dollar receipt from Starbucks, "This was from the worst three hours of my life. I would like money back for your not putting any thought into that previous girl you set me up with."

How to Avoid Paying
Avoid Shadchans, unless if you're extremely desperate and wealthy. Which doesn't happen. The Shadchan will have already ensured your marriage years ago.
Avoid Jews. Stay away from anybody with an idea for you. Do not converse with Jews. All Jewish people have ideas. Any Jewish person who hears you're single will throw out an idea. Anybody at shul, at a wedding, at a Bris, they're all trying to make money off you. Stay away from them. Avoid all Simchas.
Stay away from friends. A friend can claim they mentioned the name. Now you're inviting them to your wedding, paying for their food, and you have to give them a gift.
And they're tricky. Everybody is a Shadchan. You think it’s a family friend. Watch out. Anybody who mentions a name, say you already knew the parson. "I was already thinking about dating her." It's your only out-clause.
Watch out. They will throw out names. If you're at a Simcha and somebody starts rattling off names. Get away from them. They are setting themselves up for payment.

What If You Already Like the Girl
Let's say you meet somebody that the Shadchan mentioned and you start to like her. Run. Don't date her. They'll charge you. You think it's just a drink, a meal, a wedding, a ring, a caterer, a house, kids, Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp. No. You have some random person who mentioned Bracha eighteen years ago. You owe her. You should've run.
It makes no difference the Shadchan didn't mention the last name. You have to pay. Stay away from all Brachas.

However you see it, you have to show respect and appreciation for those people out there talking about you and how you're overweight and you have a really bad job, trying to help you get married.
The real question the Rama should've addressed is how much you have to pay an app for a Shidduch.