What Should New York Jews Do Now

by David Kilimnick

Now that Zohran Mamdami is mayor, the question is what should New York Jews do. Now that an anti-Semite is running the city, it's hard to figure out if the city that has been so Jewish friendly will still have delis. I'm sorry. I know many Jews voted for Mamdani, and they will be offended by me calling him an anti-Semite. And I understand that just because somebody says that everybody in Israel should die doesn't make them an anti-Semitic. I shall rephrase. It's scary having such a Jew hater running the New York City government.
Don't worry. I shall help you. Here are some things you can do as a New York Jew.

Move. Move anywhere. Move to New Jersey. It will at least give you a couple of years of feeling like Americans like you.

Enjoy a deli sandwich. New York delis are the one thing you still have. Go to Essen New York Deli before it goes down to Florida, or goes Halal by law. 
You know Mamdani is going to take the Kosher deli and say the Jews stole it from the Arabs. As an act of social justice, he's going to reappropriate Kosher. Yes. I do harp on the fact the guy wants to destroy Israel. For some reason, that affects my thinking. I am Jewish.
To note, pastrami on rye tastes different down in Florida. The water isn't as good.

Pray. Mamdani became mayor because H’ wants you to say Tehillim.
Since the ceasefire, things were going too well for a month. The news was getting real boring, and we thought people liked us again. So, we stopped believing in Gd. Life was looking too good. Some even stopped saying Tehillim. B"H Mamdani is now mayor, and we have a reason to pray again.
Who needs Gd when life is good? The ones getting screwed over. 

Rethink your Judaism. If you're not, you are not woke enough. If you don't hate yourself, you should be questioning what kind of Jew you are.
Before we go on, I want to thank the good Jews of New York who voted for Mamdani. The thirty percent of Jews voted for him. Which means that seventy percent of the New York Jews are not ashamed of themselves, and thus not good Jews.

Enjoy the free stuff. Is there anything more Jewish. Is there any greater Bracha than free food. Did getting the free school Kosher food packages not make COVID worth it. Do we need more proof that Karl Marx had Jewish ancestry. Do we need more proof that Mamdani is an anti-Semite. Running on the platform of everything being free, just to get the Jewish vote. Oh. It's good to have an anti-Semite in office.

Wear a Bigger Kippah. Those huge knit Carlebach and Na Nach Kippahs look like a Jewish Kufi. That should be safe. It helps when they can't figure out why they hate you. 
​And Frum women should wear the snood and Tichel head scarf, or Jewish Keffiyeh. Keep them guessing. 
Baseball hats are not safe anymore. Religious Jews have depended too long on those for protection against Jew hatred. A Jew should not be going undercover as a citizen of the United States with a visor and Payis. It’s suggested and safer to go around America undercover as somebody who hates America. A COVID mask and a Keffiyeh around the neck as an Ashkenazi Jew should do the job. 
Note of Safety: Make sure you wear your Jewish Kufi in the right neighborhoods. Keep your baseball hat in the car for American loving neighborhood safety. There are still people who love America a bit too much. And those people can be dangerous. 

Worry. That’s an activity and a Jewish tradition. I’m just trying to help. Trying to give you something to do. And I feel like a better Jew sounding like an anti-Semite. 

If you voted for Mamdani, study what it means to be an anti-Semite. That is an activity that will keep you busy for the next few years. Maybe write a doctoral thesis on how free stuff makes somebody a lover of Jews. 
Study the dichotomy found in how one can be a Jew hater, even when bringing down their rent. 

Maybe push for free Kosher stuff. We should be protesting the cost of Kosher. Some have said, "Let's wait and see what happens with the new mayor." The truth is yet to be seen. Will Mamdani have a free Kosher supermarket?! Is there a budget that can handle that?! The answer is “no.”

Move to Florida. It’s what you're going to do as a New Yorker. Now you can do it earlier. 
Even if you stay in New York, retire now. You will make more money not working.
Historical Note: Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move Israel. A much better job than the Jewish Agency. We have to thank the Jew haters. Nothing does more for Aliyah than violence against Jews. And a true Mamish anti-Semite running New York, there’s no greater Bracha.

Make Aliyah. That was a joke. What kind of fool would do that. Of course, I meant move to Florida.
I'm sure Essen Hollywood New York Florida Deli will be good.

Boy. I love Jew haters. It's hard to get out of loving the free stuff. I'm going to join all those protests where people wear a mask. If I get off on rent, I am leading the anti-Israel movement. From the Statue of Liberty to Brooklyn New York will be free.