Things You're Allowed to Say To Jews Nowadays

by David Kilimnick

I just learned you can say anything about Jews. Can't say it about anybody else. But Jews. You can blame a whole race, a whole nation, for somebody not making room for you on the sidewalk. A Mexican cuts you off, it's the Jews. 
I heard The Young Turks going off on Jews. And I realized, they are so happy Hamas and the BBC have given them the green light since October 7th
People heard Hamas saying how happy they were they killed Jews and your neighbor was saying, “Finally. I can say it. I hate these people. If we could just get rid of them, housing values will double.” Anti-Semites started popping up everywhere. Your neighbor, the guy you share a cubicle with, all of France. They popped up even at the circus. I went to see some acrobats and they were shooting a Jew out of the canon. 
The hatred is there and the world has justified it. Let me share some things you can say about Jews, but not any other people. Maybe because the other people aren't Jewish. But that's not the point.

"I want to kill you. We all want you dead. Your whole people should die. Your whole people is annoying."
This is fine because you're saying it about Jews. How "annoying" made its way in there. No idea. But you should be able to kill people for biting their nails.

"Everybody hates you because you're Jewish. Get out of here. Jew! Nobody wants you."
You can't say this about other people, because they're not Jewish. I think that's something we'll have to accept. They also haven't been kicked out of every country. 
If you could say this about other people it would be a lot of fun. More Massacre might be necessary.

"You are murderers."
How does this work? You're allowed to kill us. But when you fail, we're blamed for that?!
Truth is that Jews should be blamed for all homicide. Son of Sam. Is he not Jewish with a father named Sam?... Wait. I just looked that up. David Berkowitz is Jewish. Let's move onto the next one.

"You're Jewish scum. Everybody loathes you. You're hated by the world. Everybody wants you dead. You're swine."
Wouldn't one of those have been enough?
I think that's what Ana Kasparian of "The Young Turks" said. It did sound very nice and comforting, as it was in a soft tone. I appreciate that. Truth is, it's tone that's offensive.
Anything The Young Turks say, you can say that nowadays and people are like, "That's right." It's fine for Turks to say that. And you have to empathize with them. In 1934 the Turkish government kicked out all Jews and got rid of them. And then you have to see them in America. That's not easy. That's a reason to kill them. I think we can agree with that. 
Canada understands. They did their job when they kept out refugees from the Holocaust . I believe the quote went, "None is too many." But that has to make you question, "Who do you murder at that point?!"

"You steal land."
How we steal our own land is regretful. How a Jew can live in Israel and not feel like a thief and a murder. 
And then some Jews have the gall to say that Israel is their homeland. Shame.
Where should Jews live? Well. Not in Europe or the Middle East. Or America. I think the real problem here is Jews.

"You can't drive."
This isn't right. They're taking racial epithets against Asians and using it against us. You shouldn't be misappropriating hatred like that.

"Cheap. Your people are cheap."
It's true. Who doesn't like shopping at Marshalls. And you should hate people shopping at Marshalls. Especially people you see at the clearance rack. Because they're Jewish. Which is another reason to go to Marshalls and shop at the clearance rack. It's a good place to express your hatred of Jews.

"You smell bad. You can't play basketball. Your people are the worst at badminton. The way you drink coffee is annoying."
Have you ever seen my family drinking coffee with a straw, when it gets to the end of the cup?! It's annoying.

"You control the media. You run Hollywood. You control the airlines."
What happened to the good old days when antisemitism was positive?! When antisemitism focused on what Jews had. Those were good days.
You don't want people forgetting Mein Kampf. And how many people know the sequel? A Mein Kampf sequel?! There was a public demand for more Kampf?! I think Kampf might have had some swine in there too. I think the swine part is where that book went wrong in its expression of Jew hatred. If it would've just focused on the fact that Jews run the banks, all would've been good.
You know it's all in jest when you're quoting passages from Mein Kampf.

"You all slaughter people. You think you're entitled and you steal our tax dollars."
You need a reason to kill Jews. Otherwise, you might feel bad hearing a Jew was murdered. Even worse, if you think Jews are kind and charitable, you may not want to kill them. And that is unforgivable.
And you can say it because they're Jews.

"You drink Christian blood. People want to drink your blood."
Let's bring the libel back up. You want this one back out there, just in case there is a chance people might start liking Matzah, and Streit's starts getting more business. And then, the Jews are also running the Matzah business.

"You run the roller coaster at Six Flags."
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"Slavery. Jews are the reason slavery." 
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"You are bad at making decisions. Jews can't choose what to order."
If you say that with the right amount of hatred, you'll have a whole restaurant attacking a Jew. Maybe if you had a bit of empathy, you would realize we're bad at deciding what to order because we're cheap.
It's not easy to figure out the best deal on the menu at a pizza shop. Then there's special requests. Sometimes, they're offering coleslaw, and you want a burger as the side. And then they have that part where it says, "Ask the waiter." Am I not supposed to ask the waiter? I follow rules. And what about "du jour"? What does that mean? 

"You say you're the chosen people. You're not even Jews."
They're not even blaming us. I don't see this as antisemitism. They don't really hate us. They hate some other Jewish people.
Come to think of it, this is the most offensive one. I have a right to identify as I want.

This screaming at Jews and telling Jews you hate them sounds like a lot of fun. Telling a whole nation you hate them is very cathartic. I get why people like to do it. It's always good to tell people you hate them. It brings joy. It brings the world together.
I want to get into some of those college protests and tell people I hate them. Or I can go to the next board meeting at my shul. Either way, I have some new things  I learned about Jews that I can tell them.

I did hear somebody say that all Guatemalans should die and be raped. I didn't jump on the bandwagon because they're not Jewish. And I think that would be wrong. Because they're not Jewish. I feel it is important to defend that point of view. Only Jews should be attacked. The world only needs one people to hate at a time.