The New Wise Men of Chelm: Publicizing the Miracle of Chanukah

by Moishe Unklovitch

For many years the new generation of the Wise Men of Chlem have lit the Chanukah Menorah, known as a Chanukiah or candelabrum for those who like tiny candles, but they never knew why. They were fine with that, until now.
To make Chanukah more meaningful, they had a committee meeting without the rabbi. After much discussion about different types of meditation, they decided it was impossible to make the holiday more meaningful. To quote Sadie, “If we don’t close our eyes and meditate, it’s not meaningful.”

Yankel Shares His Idea
Known to cause problems, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha always makes everybody say his full name. Yankel told everybody, “I learned at Yeshiva that you're commanded to publicize the miracle of Chanukah. This is why we light.”
Berel the Gabai, one to never allow for heresy, jumped in, “You fool. This is how you make of meaning. I learned in Yeshiva too, and our rabbis taught us that we must light the Chanukiah. He knows from nothing.” The Wise Men cheered at the brilliance of their Gabai and his argument against Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha. Fayge, captivated by her Gabai, reinforced, “Our Gabai is so wise. How he makes such sense of the rabbis’ laws!!! Now we have meaning.”
After a bit more debate, they decided that they should light the Chanukiah on Chanukah. To quote Felvel, "The Gabai is correct. We light the Chanukiah on Chanukah."

Yankel Still Makes a Stink
Bothered by this idea of publicizing the miracle, Yankel exclaimed, "All Berel says is true. But we should still publicize the miracle." "What miracle?" Rivka Bayla asked. Yankel restated, "The miracle of Chanukah."
To humor Yankel, they decided they must find a Chanukah miracle. A Chanukah miracle they could show to people when they're walking home from work, as Yankel insisted it had to be publicized when people are coming home from work. To quote Felvel, "As if they need to be bothered after a full day's work."
 
What is the Miracle of Chanukah That We are Publicizing?
The Wise Men and Women of Chelm searched and searched for a miracle. They needed to find the miracle of Chanukah, for they wanted to know what to share with the public.
Lazer, the head of the youth group let them know, “Last Chanukah I got an amazing gift. I received a hoverboard.” A silence never heard before was disrupted with a gasp of awe. “Miracles do happen. Hoverboards are awesome,” Chaya Tova replied. Even Duvidel was in awe, as he received a pair of socks last year that his Bubbie knitted for him, and they did not stay up. As Duvidel showed his socks gathered at his ankles, he gleefully shared his joy in Lazer’s hoverboard, “People can receive gifts they like.” He continued to share his newfound hope, “I can use some wireless JBL earbuds.” To which nobody cared.
 
Displaying the Hoverboard
They decided to put Lazer’s hoverboard on display in the window, when people were walking home from work. But nobody saw the hoverboard, as they all worked from home.
The next day, Duvidel shared his concept, “We can buy all of the children hoverboards and they will see the miracle of Chanukah.” Menachem interceded, to keep the group in line and focused on what was really important. And that is saving money. “Who can afford hoverboards? I can’t even buy one for my kids. Not everybody is as wealthy as the Shwartzawitzs. They even have a flats screen TV.” Bayla, not a fan of Schwartzawits either, added, “If the Shwartzawitzs paid their dues, that would be a miracle.” To which everybody laughed and wished they had a hoverboard.
 
More Chanukah Miracles That Are Easier To Share
Chaya Tova recounted yet another miracle, “We didn’t have to go to school today. It’s a snow day. A Chanukah miracle.”
And the miracles of Chanukah kept flowing. “The Latkes last year were out of this world. Crunchy, yet beautifully moist on the inside,” Rivka let them all know. “We must let all know. This is a miracle,” responded Menachem, with a joy that could be felt by all who love potatoes that are fried.
The kid with the disease they all prayed for, who recovered and was back in school, was not mentioned. They didn’t want to publicize chicken pox.
Oily food was a miracle. The snow day was a huge miracle. But none could outdo the miracle of Lazer’s hoverboard and socks that did not fall because they were not made by Bubbie.
 
How Do We Publicize This Joyous Chanukah Miracle of a Hoverboard?
The Wise Men and Women of Chelm decided it's time to publicize the true miracles of Chanukah correctly. Ads in the newspaper were too expensive. There was supply and demand and only a group of eight people read the newspaper. Even so, the Wise Men and Women were not deterred from their goal. “We must find a way to advertise the miracle of Chanukah!”
Taking initiative, as he does, Duvidel arose with fervor and took to the streets with his megaphone. All the people of Chelm were in shock. They don’t understand Yiddish. “What’s he screaming?” the people asked. He reverted to English. For English is what they speak in Poland nowadays.
The rest of the Wise Men and Women at the meeting were inspired, as they followed with megaphones they had amassed in the shul’s food collection bin for the hungry. Cheers were heard all over the streets, “Lazer received a hoverboard.” One fine scholar came to his door, for he heard the cheers of the Wise Men and Women and thought the shul had just received a new Torah scroll. How happy he was to hear that it was Lazer’s hoverboard. He didn’t want to have to go out in this weather to follow a Torah.
After hours of cheering for Lazer, none of the townsfolk came out to join the parade of Lazer’s hoverboard. There was three feet of snow and nobody had shoveled their walkway. The only way to share the miracle without taking out an ad was through the window. So, to celebrate the holiday correctly, they decided to light Lazer's hoverboard. And that miracle only lasted one night.

Epilogue
And Berel, the Gabai, let Yankel and all the committee know, “That is why we light the candles on Chanukah.” “Exactly,” Said Fayge. “Do you want to pay for hoverboards for all the kids of Chelm, Yankel?... You see? This is why we light candles. It's too expensive to buy eight hoverboards.”
And Yankel preached in protest, “We light because the one jar of oil lasted eight days. It should’ve only lasted one.” Berel the Gabai responded to this ignorance one last time, “This fool still doesn’t understand. We light eight, because there are eight nights of Chanukah.”
On the eighth night, the Wise Men and Women, along with their community, lit their Chanukah Menorahs with the nine candles, including the Shamish candle, to remind them of the Menorah in the Temple that had seven lamps because of the eight nights of Chanukah.
 
Extra Notes on Chanukah
The kids didn’t go to school, but they did learn that on Chanukah a great miracle of amazing Latkes and hoverboards took place. So, they lit the Chanukiah for those Latkes. And they lit their hoverboards and their parents grounded them for Chanukah.
Duvidel never received earbuds or a hoverboard. However, hoverboard sales in Chelm went up. Duvidel blamed his Bubbie, who took up knitting a few years back.
Lazer never road his hoverboard again, as it was too dangerous and banned from use in Chelm. Lighting the hoverboard was not looked upon favorably by the law.
That Chanukah the whole community was able to see the Schwartzawitzs’ huge flats screen TV, as the Schwartzawitzs’ publicized their new 120-inch television. The Wise Men and Women knocked on the Schwartzawitzs’ door and asked them to pay their dues. And they did. The miracle of Chanukah was complete.
Some people burned Latkes and they said, “This crunch is even a greater miracle.” Discussions continued as to whether the Latke miracle was true, or if it was Tater Tots.
Yankel lit his Chanukiah in his window and all tried to figure out what he was trying to prove. To quote Fayge, “This guy never stops.”