The Maccabiah Games of Athletic Unity

by David Kilimnick

The 22nd Maccabiah Games, known as the Jewish Olympics, are going on in Israel right now. I didn’t know about the first twenty-one. But they happened. And it turns out there are thousands of Jewish athletes. That’s good to know. Looking at my shul, I didn’t think there were Jews that exercise.
This whole Maccabiah Games is a beautiful thing. Jews should also get the chance to feel like they’re good at sports. They have the Paralympics Games, Youth Olympic Games, Special Olympics. Why should we not have an Olympics for Jews. People who are hard of keeping in shape.
The Maccabiah Games stand for Jewish identity, unity in heated competition and fights with Argentinians. Let us explore some of the beauty of this event that brings the community together, known as the Jewish Olympics for the husky and portly athlete. Our Jewish way of paying homage to hedonism and the Greek culture of the Hellenists that we don't give proper respect to on Chanukah. 

We Need Our Nation Together
Anything to get Jews to Israel. That's what I say. 
There are five thousand athletes at the Maccabiah this year, which is down from ten thousand in 2022. Five thousand athletes, from around thirty-five countries, that didn't make the Olympics. And some of those go to my JCC. Max Hyneman. I've never seen that guy move. Just the Shvitz. Sits in the Shivtz. That was his training. 
The Maccabiah was supposed to happen last year. Didn’t happen because of the 12 Day War. This is what Iran and Hezbollah do. They ruin Jewish programming.
I was going to go to Israel last summer myself. Iran truly kills summer plans. And then I was going to go this summer. Flights are crazy high. Iran and EL AL ruin summer plans. If the war would’ve been six days, we could’ve gotten some of the games last summer.
The 2022 games were postponed from 2021 due to COVID. At The Kibbitzer, we are beginning to think that the Maccabiah is bad luck. You want something bad to happen, plan the Maccabiah. 

The tagline for this year's Maccabiah is "More Than Ever." As Bibi expressed its beautiful message of unification of Israel and Diaspora Jewry, to mock the fact that there are less athletes than ever.

The Opening Event
It turns out many Olympians have competed in the Maccabiah, and people came to see them at the opening ceremonies. Nobody ever saw the compete. But they saw them at the ceremony. That’s what we like watching.
This is why people go to the Maccabiah. The flags, Israeli music, speakers. It's a Jewish community event, with a parade. When it comes to Israel, Jews love ceremonies and parades. The New York Israel Day Parades, Yom HaAtzmaut Parades, Gay Pride Parades. Put flags in there and it’s a ceremony. We love it.
It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. A sermon about Israel, with flags. Unity.

Nobody cares about the sports. We love the opening event and whatever ceremonies they do where they put the ribbon on people. We love seeing that person who wins getting honored. It’s like a community dinner and you don’t even have to give a donation. You just do the honoring part. Could care less about the competition.

​They had Tons of flags. Love it. That's what the Jewish Olympics should be. Israeli flags.
You could see huge Israeli flag at the opening ceremony stage.  The Israeli president and prime minister gave speeches. And I'm beginning to think Israel has an unfair advantage. A very strong home court advantage. I feel like this Maccabiah is rigged.
And for the anthem, for every Jew that wins, they play their nation's song. "Hatikvah."
It’s rigged. Rigged for Jewish unity.

The Sporting Events
It turns out they had sports competitions too. So, let’s talk about them. Nobody cared, but they had them. The opening parade was over. Iran, the PA and Hezbollah didn’t ruin it. Trump worked out another ceasefire for us.

The inclusive and unifying sports include:
Soccer. To ensure America loses.
Golf for people over sixty-five, so that people who can afford flights come to Israel.
Fencing. You never know what kind of armament Iran will resort to. We need people ready to fight. Iran has no navy and now the US is fighting against rowboats. Once we blow up their munitions, Hezbollah might pull out swords. 
Futsal, which is soccer again. To give Argentina another win.
Pickleball. At least somebody has accepted that a lot of Jews are showing. Jews don't like to move when playing sports. Our people don't want to break a sweat with athletics.
And we have Chess. I always asked how chess was considered a sport. It's the Israeli lobby in America. This is AIPAC's influence. This is where the seven thousand dollars goes.
Beach football. Another sport. Argentina needed another metal. All of Buenos Aires comes to the Maccabiah. Got to give them something.
Rugby. Have to have a sport for each country. Australia and South Africa deserve something.
No cricket or baseball. They wanted to be diplomatic. And they didn't want to give America a win.
Marathon. To see if anybody can finish in under five hours.
Squash. There's a guy showing up who plays it. He knows the rules. Give him a medal.
And tons of sports for 35 and over. These are the guys from my JCC. And not even the non-Jews. Not being Jewish is an unfair advantage. And that is why we have the Jewish Olympics.
No floor hockey. They don't want American Yeshiva boys showing up.

In the essence of Torah, I noticed that they keep the games not hedonistic, ensuring that we allow extremely out of shape people to compete. B"H we make everybody keep on their clothes.

Conclusion
We need people coming to Israel. This is why I support the Maccabiah. Not for the competition. I don't need to see the Jewish over sixty-five-year-olds losing their breath in The Marathon, while walking. We need the Jewish Olympics for touring. Really should've just had a Maccabiah Birthright tour.
I wish it would’ve been three weeks of opening ceremonies. That would be something to watch.

There are some great athletes competing, and that should bring our people some pried. They're the product of intermarriage, and questionable genealogy. The rabbis are looking into this.

And again, sports bring Jewish pride and our people together. Due to the message of unity, some athletes decided not to compete. Instead, they just hugged. Seeing them hug, spectators thought it was another judo match.
And Israel ended up winning. In Israel. This thing is rigged.

It should be noted that there are bottles of suntan lotion at all events, including indoor futsal. The mothers made it clear they don’t want their children being exposed to the sun. The Jewish mothers should not be worried. And the Maccabiah committee also wants to make it clear that their little balls of Nachis will not be Shvitzing.
In the end, the Charedi rabbis are against the Maccabiah. To quote, "Jewish boys and Jewish girls should not be playing futsal. Even if they're not playing it under the table, it's not modest."