The Different Anti-Semites

by David Kilimnick

There are six types of anti-Semites. I know this, due to much experiential research. There is the general anti-Semite that is mad Jews work for a living. The anti-Semites who only hate Jews because they know Jews. The anti-Semite who has met a Jew or hasn’t met a Jew. Either way, they hate Jews. Jews who are Jewish and know Jews. The college student. And the anti-Semite who hates Israel, because there are Jews.
For today, let us focus on the general anti-Semite, the ones who work with and may or may not know Jews, the ones who get mad at Jews for shopping, and Jews who know Jews.

The Jew Has Money Anti-Semite
They don't like wealthy people. Therefore all Jews are wealthy. And wealthy people should be hated.
I think that makes sense.

The Jews Achieve Anti-Semite
This kills it for everybody. You show up to work, and now you have to perform too. And then to top it all off, the hard work is rewarded.

Works With Jews Anti-Semite
Jews are everything that is wrong at work. Lunch bags, computers, coworkers that show up on time. Cubicles were created by Jews.
They hear a Jew has a holiday. Now they hate holidays too. The fact that Jews take off of work for a holiday is wrong. The only holidays Jews should have off are Christmas, New Years and Easter.
All antisemitism started because of the High Holidays. They have anti-Jew meetings to discuss the horrors brought into their lives by Yom Kippur. The day they're allowed to eat.

Harvey Weinstein is Jewish Anti-Semite
He's Jewish. He must be. He has a Jewish last name. Therefore all Jews are sex offenders.
Harvey has killed the reputation of fifteen million people.

Graffiti Artist Anti-Semite
They spray-paint “Jews” everywhere. Dane Cook speaks of them graffiting bathrooms with the word "Jews." Something about the word "Jews" that allows these anti-Semites to get out their anger.
This greatly offends Jews. Jews don't like being called Jews. A Jew is just not a nice thing to call a Jew. It hurts.
You might see this graffiti expression of antisemitism places where Jews go, such as shuls. This offends Jews even more. If there is one thing Jews don’t want to see at shul, it’s "Jews."

The Nick Cannon Says Jews Have Money Anti-Semite
This guy is getting his historical facts from Wildn'N Out.

The I Have a Jewish Friend
These people know Jews. Thus, they have the right to hate Jews. When you have a friend, you're allowed to talk about their people. To quote my neighbor, "I have no Baha'i friends. If I just had one Baha'i friend, I would be able to hate them too."
The problem here is they know Jews. And we all know, that leads to Jewish hatred. Chinese people are not anti-Semites because they don't know Jews. If they knew us, they would be anti-Semites. We're a very easy people to hate.
Chinese people in America don't know us as Jews. They know us as customers.

The I Have a Jewish Neighbor
That will do it. Especially when they don't cut their grass. Some Jews don't even trim the hedges.

Jews
Jews hate Jews. I can't stand the Gabai at my shul. I can't stand anybody at my shul.

Self-hating Jew Anti-Semite
That's pretty much every Jew. No good Jew likes themselves.

The "I Have a Jewish Boss" Jew Basher
They are mad that Jews are helping them make a living.
Lesson: Never hire anybody. Giving people a livelihood will only lead to hate. Nepotism is the proper way to run a business.

The Jewish Landlord
They are mad that Jews invest and give them a place to live.
Gratefulness can only properly be expressed through hatred of Jews.

Met a Jew Without Money Anti-Semite
That will get an anti-Semite steaming. Boiling. Simmering. Ready to cook a decent stew.
Only thing worse than a Jew with money is a Jew without money.
Also known as The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite, these anti-Semites call us cheap Jews and get mad at us for shopping at Marshalls. They don't like when Jews find deals. They see a Jew at the clearance rack and they want to shoot up the place. They see a Jew at Ollie's, it's over. They're outside protesting Ollie's Bargain Outlet, in tents they bought at Ollie's. They're now trying to take down Ollie himself, bringing Jews to his store with slogans like "good stuff cheap!"
The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite shops at Macy's and only shop preseason marked-up prices. Sticking to the suggested retail rack. Proclaiming, "I don't buy anything for a decent price. I'm not Jewish."

The Will Not Look Anti-Semite
They don't look at you. They pass you at work and don't say "hi." They express their hatred by ignoring you. This antisemitism is expressed with a head turn. Quite vicious. In their hatred, these anti-Semites may avert their gaze.
To note, many Jewish women are anti-Semites. Firsthand, I can tell you they're self-hating Jews. Or self-hating man Jews. Or just women who hate Jewish men. Whatever they are, they're anti-Semites.
No matter what, the next person The Will Not Look Anti-Semite sees gets a huge hello hug. "Thank Gd you're not Jewish. I love you." In the case of the Jewish woman, "Thank Gd you're not a Jewish man."

The Nazi Slogan Anti-Semite
These teenagers sit on the side of the road and yell nasty stuff when you're going to shul. Sometimes, they even beep at you. And that just hurts.

The I Live in America Anit-Semite
These anti-Semites live in America. And thus they are anti-Semites. That is their right as citizens.
Many Jews are mad that this right is not fully being supported anymore.

Had a Bad Day Anti-Semites
They blame Jews for everything. Anything that goes wrong. They stub a toe. "Jews!!! I can't stand them. Ouch!!! Jews!!! That hurts. Jews!!!"
Can't find the keys. "Jews!!! Who created keys?! Probably Jews. Jews!!! Those people run everything!!! Nick Cannon said they run everything."

The Never Met a Jew Anti-Semite
These guys have never met a Jew. Never been to Israel. Somehow, many of them think we have horns. Which would be cool. However, these people don't like horned individuals.
We usually tell these anti-Semites to meet Jews and visit Israel, which leads leads to them hating us more. Sometimes it gets worse and they end up working with us. And we know what seeing a Jew make money leads to.

The Whisper Past Anti-Semite
They pass you and then whisper something. I'm guessing they're whispering that there are Jews. Most of the time it's a curse. Much of the time it's "I can't believe kosher brisket costs that much." "Why do they like getting deals." Usually it's "Jews." You can get out so much anger with that word. People should stop cursing. The only four letter word they should be using is "Jews."
I used to think Americans have a projection issue. I thought nonJews mumbled a lot. Something to do with the public school education and poor enunciation. Maybe it was something about the people who shopped at Marshalls that didn't like getting deals.
This usually goes along with the Will Not Look Anti-Semite. They don't look and then they whisper something about the sales rack and you not wanting to get ripped off, as they pass you.

Other anti-Semites include: People who are mad about cost of Kosher. Mad at brisket inflation. They're just empathizing with our people. The people who eat mayonnaise. Those who hate agents. Totally understood. All Jews are agents. The anti-Semite who hates the word Jew. Hence, they say it a lot. There's the I married a Jew anti-Semite. I understand their hatred of our people. There's the nonviolent anti-Semite who only attacks Jews. There are Europeans.
Next time we will deal with the anti-Israel and the most violent anti-Semites, the college students studying for PhDs. In the meantime, if you get down and feel any frustration, just yell "Jews." The hatred will help today be a better day. Maybe yell "Baha'i." That can also get out some good anger.