Stand-up Transcript: Israel and World Opinion - They Blame Us For Everything

by David Kilimnick

Israel has messed up with world opinion. We get blamed for everything. We've got to garner better. We're garnering nothing. Ungarnered. (pause for laughs- because a Seinfeld voice was used)
Something is wrong. We're getting blamed for Hamas! (pause for laughs)
Hamas shoots their people for trying to eat. It's Jews. (pause for laughter) They slaughter babies and somehow "Israel's at it again." (pause for laughs- this should get a huge one) We give birth to Gazans. We get blamed. (not sure if there is a pause or not- pause after each of the next ones) Wildfires? Jews. Hurricane Milton? Jews. Stub toe? It's the Jews. (POV toe getting jammed) “The Israelis. How did that chair get there?! It was the Zionists!”
Milton??? Jewish. You're going to tell me Milton not Jewish?!
(pause- see what happens- gauge audience- maybe the death and murder comedy flow tickle the funny bone here) 

How are we looking bad?! (make sure I'm performing with my Yarmulke - so they can associate me as the one to blame me for the atrocities)
They have cartoons about how to kill the Jewish devil. Their kindergartners are blaming us. (pause for laughs- maybe just leave the "pause for laughs" out of the script- pause for laughs after each sentence- that should be understood) Cartoons of suicide bombers. We're getting blamed for animation. The Simpsons. That's our fault. (pause for laughs- I needed that there, as I don't want to forget to pause) We're blamed for educating kids to kill us. What society pushes propaganda on kids to kill them? Israel's Ministry of Education is putting out curriculum, "If two Zionists are killed by a preschooler, how many Zionist devils have you killed?" Israel's Ministry cares about these kids and their schooling. You want them to develop a good base in mathematics. Something they can connect to. Like killing Jews. 
I can understand a society educating kids to blow themselves up. (nuanced line- make sure sarcasm is understood- leave this line out if people are on the spectrum- if they are LGBTQ+ supporters they will empathize with this sentiment in support of Palestinian education and culture)

That guy's like, "I didn't kill anybody." Don't worry. If it's a Zionist, you're OK.

Murder. Rape. And somehow we look bad.
This is dark. There must be a reason not many comedians go for the rape zingers. (maybe don't pause here- depends on the crowd- if they're feminists they might might be on the floor here)

We're getting blamed for everything.
Bibi is somehow behind every... "Bibi. Free the hostages." Bibi is now hiding the hostages in his mansion. Somehow, he's leading Hamas.
There’s a leak in a tunnel. "Somebody get Bibi. What's with this guy?! How does he expect us to watch hostages in these conditions?!" 
"Bibi is ruining Gazan elementary schools. Him and his new idea of not killing Zionist devils. This guy is crazy. Murderer!!!"

Suicide bombing, that’s on us. How?! "Another Palestinian dead. You see."
And that's another eighty on the Gazan Death Toll report. (pause for laughs- don't say "pause for laughs"- just pause)
Is suicide bombers a better topic? I'm not good at choosing topics for humor. My bit about child abuse didn't go over last week. I was thinking about fast food. But that doesn't tickle the funny bone nowadays like torturing Jews.
 
Americans believe this stuff. (POV American) "It's the Gazans' truth." This is "their truth" as fact. "You're judgmental." Nothing is worse than being judgmental. You can slaughter innocent children... Don't be judgmental.
I can't win that argument. "You're being very judgmental. It's not right to fight people, just because they're trying to torture and rape you. Eating dinner while gouging out eyes. That's just what they do. Slicing off limbs is Gazan culture. You shouldn't judge." (pause to see if people leave- know the audience to see if the sarcasm catches them here)

Raid on Entebbe. Our fault. "Why do you think that happened? Because Jews were on the flight. Jews aren't flying, that's not happening." 
They’re even mad at the Iron dome. "The patriots?! And you say Israel isn’t shooting missiles?!" "They're shooting those patriots all the time. Daily." “You remember when it was so much easier to kill the Jews.” “I miss those days. Didn't have to drain resources.” "And now they're making a big stink about hostages... Who cares? They're Jewish. Exactly." Now that's better comedy. Not as dark.

If you're not laughing, it's because of Bibi.
I don't mean to offend. I don't think rape is fine. I might be wrong here. But I don't associate with the feminist movement.

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways. And check out next Stand-up Transcript for more on death tolls and how Jews are the reason for everything, including the bad Easter chocolate eggs that come with nothing on the inside. And the reason kids choke on toys when eating Kinder.