Shul Chanukah Parties - More of What to Expect: A Beginners Guide

by Rabbi David

And nobody is questioning why the toddler is lighting the Chanukiah. (photo: jewishboston.com)

My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect.

Questions
People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter.
Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single.
They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living.

Kids Crying
Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party.
There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. 
Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. 

Dreidel
There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses.
Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel.
If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned.
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A Guy with Candy
A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot.
Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents.

A Shul Band
There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord.
Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin.

People Singing
There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. 
Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim.
A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing.
One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. 
I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run.

Latkes and Sufganiot
Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important.
Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees.
I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat."
No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees.

Kids Running
Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents.

A Bouncy House
It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses.
You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house.

Mincha
Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?!
Hence, the Chanukah party at shul.
Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone.

Menorah Lighting
A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around.
The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord.
I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way.

My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul.
Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance.