Shul Announcements: Nitzavim-VaYelech and Rosh Hashana

by Rivka Schwartz

We have decided as a congregation that political discussion is encouraged. We have many people in our shul that disagree with each other, and everybody hates Bracha’s political views.
 
We don’t have preShofar drinking plans. We apologize to The Boys Club. You are the most committed committee in our shul. Each Shabbat this year there were at least eight guys who were drunk at Musaf. We commend your commitment to what you do for our shul.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Purchasing High Holiday seats for Malkie and Surel Finkelman. They haven’t purchased seats yet. Their lack of knowing what it means to be part of a community needs charity.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Importance of Politics and How to Chase Members Away. Great Committees and Commitment- The Boys and How They Chose a Different Member Each Week to Bring Schnapps. What You Must Do for Rosh Hashana Prep and What Our Congregants Don’t Do- A Look at Selichot and Teshuva. The Mitzvah to Purchase a Seat and How to Give More Money to the Shul- Other Mitzvahs Dues Don't Cover and the Mitzvah of Your Rabbi’s Raise.

Rivka’s Community Rundown 
The rabbi started encouraging people to talk politics. He's trying to chase away some of the membership. He's tried everything to get members to stop coming to shul this past year. He's tried serving sardines with the skin at Kiddish. That got rid of a few. He called people to start coming to Minyin during the week. That chased away half the men. To get rid of the sisterhood, he has encouraged politics. The shul went down to six members. He even gave longer sermons. 
The board wanted to get a Minyin for the High Holidays. For Rosh Hashana, to draw the members back, the shul realized they had to change the rabbi's sardine policy. Now they're only serving skinless and boneless sardines, and shmaltz herring. The shmaltz herring brought many of the old-timers back. And for Rosh Hashana they decided people aren't allowed to talk politics during the Shofar blowing, as Max and Bracha get very loud when they talk about how much they love the politicians that hate Jews. They like everybody to be reminded why they hate Max and Bracha.

The drinking buddies are loud. They even call themselves the drinking buddies. How the rabbi allows for a fraternity to have parties Shabbat morning in the shul is messed up.
They’re married guys, and they act like idiots. How they got married, I do not know. I am assuming that their wives are drinking at home.
 
They gave the drinking buddies, The Boys Club, a plaque for their weekly commitment to getting drunk in the middle of Torah Layning and scaring the families.
How it’s a committee, I don’t know. I believe they pick who’s bringing the schnapps. That's what the committee does. They get more accomplished than any other committee. The Lawn Committee still hasn't come up with an idea of how to mow the shul's lawn. They've discussed the need for a cut grass though. That was a few meetings. One of The Boys brought schnapps to that meeting as well.
When it comes to alcohol, our membership is very well organized.
 
Everybody knows that to be part of a community it means you have to give money. People who don't know that are part of Fullview Country Club.
Malkie and Surel are quite wealthy. They just don't like paying for seats because it make them feel like they're not part of the shul family. They said they want to feel comfortable and welcome at shul. To which the board said, "We will have no such thing."
So, now it's an act of kindness to buy Malkie and Surel their High Holiday seats and to stare at them in disgust. 
 
What members did to prepare for Rosh Hashana. The Boys Club drank bourbon. The Schwartzmans asked people to forgive them for anything they "may have done." And then they listed the stuff they might have done, and they lost all of their friends. The rabbi asked for another raise. Malkie and Surel put down a down payment on new home. The price for seats has gone up a lot.
Other than the Schwartzmans, nobody did Teshuva. They realized that if they did repentance more than ten days before Yom Kippur, that would leave them with way too many days where they had to act right. Simcha is waiting till a day before Yom Kippur to start repenting for being a jerk. Simcha insists, "If I have to try to sell Gd on me being a decent human being for more than two days. I don't have the stamina for that. And let's say Bracha starts talking. Let’s say the rabbi brings out the sardines with the skin... I can’t do it. This shul makes me want to be a worse Jew."

The Boys are fighting for Rosh Hashana Shofar drinking. To quote the president of The Boys Club: "The Shofar makes a perfect funnel for the beer."

“And so, we come together as one community, one people, brothers and sisters, to ask H’ to forgive us this Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.” That’s how the rabbi finished his Drasha. And then he ended again with, “I can’t stand this place. I pray I don’t have to do another year of seeing you people." "People" was necessary, as the rabbi wanted it to be clear that he cannot stand anybody in the congregation. If he would've ended it on "you," the congregants would've thought the rabbi was talking about the Gabbai.