Shul Announcements: Nasso

by Rivka Schwartz

Youth Services are starting up again this week, so we don’t have to see the kids. B”H.
 
Our membership is excited about the Memorial Day sale. Our shul is giving off on membership to those who never served their country. Two Aliyahs for the price of one. That’s what those who gave themselves for our freedom would want.
The Koplin Mishpuchi want to thank those who gave their lives. They got a really good deal on a tool bench at Home Depot this week.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Turn on the air-conditioning. Merwin is sweating in shul from standing. He is standing wiping his forehead from standing. 
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Kids and How They Ruin Shul for Everybody- A Look into the Lack of Parenting in Our Community. Appreciation For Those Who Served in The Armed Forces and Deals on Slacks at Marshalls. Is It Mutar to Stand on Shabbat If You’re Going to Sweat and Other Responsa about the Out of Shape Members of Our Shul Who Sweat During Davening. How Disgusting Our Members Are. Do You Need a Shul When You Have the Mitzkin Family's House for Shavuot Learning.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
The Shavuot learning program was at the Mitzkin home. Pathetic. Yes. And I ask why we still have a congregation. We should change it from Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah to Beis Buddies of the Mitzkin Mishpuchi.
Turns out most people had no idea where it was, because they're not friends with the Mitzkin family. And the Mitzkins don't list their address. 
Our shul has turned into a Shabbat dinner at somebody's home. Yet, we are still doing renovations on the building. I'm guessing if we got rid of the shul and listed where the Mitzkin house is, dues might come down.
 
Thank Gd for youth services. It feels like a real community when you don’t have to see the kids. It's so great to not see them at shul.
 
We have two members that served in the American Armed Forces and that was eighty years ago. How do we know they served? They wear the hat.
The only thing our congregants have done for our country is find out where the decent sales are.
The Mitzkins did not serve our country. However, I heard they served cheesecake on Shavuot night.
 
That’s how out of shape Merwin is. Davening is exercise for the guy. He gets exercise by standing. He's disgusting. He sweats when he sits. The action of not expending energy is a workout for the guy. I can't watch it. He needs to bring a towel to shul.
Truth is, we need air-conditioning. I'm sweating right now.
 
The class about the kids coming to shul was met with a protest by the parents who made it very clear that they won’t come to shul if they have to watch their children. To which the rabbi said, “Great.”
All were encouraged to go the Mitzkin home. And that is how the breakaway Minyin started.