Shul Announcements: Ki Teitzei

by Rivka Schwartz

Don’t miss the wine tasting event this Tuesday. Wait to drink till you get there to start drinking, Michel.
Note: This is a tasting. Not a drinking. We know the men in the back left can’t taste alcohol anymore, after chugging whiskey every Shabbis morning and scaring the families.
 
Nobody has to give Menucha and Brian a wedding gift. Their parents have given pathetic gifts to Baalei Simcha throughout the years. They’ve actually given gifts and not money. Their families have given washing cups. We've witnessed it. They don't deserve a gift.
Rabbi’s Note: For people you like, $600 is a proper gift. When at a wedding, don’t think about your mortgage. While eating chicken fingers, think of how you can help with their payments.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Hashavas Aveida. A chance to fulfill the Mitzvh of returning a lost object. We have a lost child because the Schwatzbergs don’t watch their children.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Drink in Shul Like You're Part of a Fraternity- With Michel and the Boys. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Wedding Gifts. How to Not Watch Your Children- An Art Mastered By Our Congregants & A Scavenger Hunt to Find Effy Schwartzberg. Irresponsible parenting in Halacha and in Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
A wine tasting. Do we need more people getting drunk in this place. We have a whiskey tasting every Shabbis morning. No professional is needed for these guys to get drunk.
I have no idea how many times people need to taste Jack Daniels before they realize they like it.
 
These guys come to shul get all rowdy. How many times do I have to hear a fifty-year-old guy scream "Wooh," when I'm picking up our kids from groups?! It's the weirdest thing. They're Layning in shul, and these guys are drinking away their hangover from Friday night. Where do they drink? Outside of the Kinder Service, where the four-year-old is playing Shabbis Abba. And now we have nursery school kids drinking single malt, because they want to do Abba Shel Shabbat correctly.
And now wine tasting. I feel like our shul promotes alcoholism. These guys are crazy. How they're trusted with their kids on Shabbis morning. There should be no drinking and pushing strollers laws. The way they park those things right outside the entrance of the shul, there has to be a drunk idiot saying, "That looks like a good spot for the carriage."
The only positive is that Michel and his buddies don't Daven. They stay out of the sanctuary. The rabbi appreciates not having to see them. Which is why he supports the drinking. I believe the rabbi said, "Drinking in the sanctuary is wrong." That got a lot of people mad. Especially when they were told to not flip over their shot glasses on the Shulchan.
So, I shall not be going to the wine tasting.
We need an orange juice tasting. That sounds more like a shul event. 

Giving gifts is pathetic. If it's not money, you're hiding something. You know they're cheap when they give the gift. Found it on sale. We know.
You have to give something. If you're giving proper gifts, money, you're going broke. We had forty weddings this year. $300 a wedding. We have to take out loans to be a friend. And the problem is, my husband likes being "a friend." He's an idiot.
It’s an Aveira to enjoy a Simcha. You have to go home feeling like you got shafted by a mechanic. $300 in debt.

You give what they give. That's the rule. And I write it down. You're not getting more than you gave us. 
Personally, I like the pathetic gifts. They give me a washing cup, I give them a pencil. I don't want them giving us $500 gifts. Next thing you know, we're stuck having to give them $500 plus inflation. Me and my husband are arguing as to whether we can afford to go to the baby naming. 
That's another thing, they give you $500 for a wedding, and now they want it for the baby naming. We need a gift valuation list.

If you’re the first one giving the gift, set the bar low. Let them think you're bad gift givers. If you're lucky, they won't invite you.
Rules are the gift has to be the same.  If you gave $300 and they give $50. Never invite them to another Simcha. You don’t need friends that are going to enjoy your Simchas.
If you want to throw them off, go passive-aggressive and give more, to let them know they have no class.
You mirror what they do. If they don’t come to your Simcha, you don’t have to go to theirs. And that is the foundation of a beautiful friendship.

Our congregation is so cheap. Thanks to the announcements, nobody thinks they are loved by anybody in the shul. They all give cheap gifts. And this is a good thing. With all the drunk dads running around, we don't want people thinking they're liked.
Since the rabbi's $600 suggested gift for people you like, our members have only been going to Simchas of people they can't stand. And they've been giving gifts. Not money. To quote Herm, "I've never enjoyed weddings like Shloimi and Edith's child's marriage. Those Yutzs, they should go to Gehenim." 

The Schwartzberg child was truly lost. Turns out Effy Schwartzberg's father drinks a lot. And his parents even showed up to the wine tasting. Before Effy was found.
In the end, Effy was found in the Kinder candy cabinet. The sour sticks have not been found since.