Shul Announcements: Behar-Bechukotai

by Rivka Schwartz

We will have a Mother’s Day Kiddish in honor of the Mothers. We want to thank all the mothers who are preparing and paying for the Kiddish, to show their appreciation.
 
If you’re having a Yahrzeit, please donate Kiddish or something to the shul. You want your loved one to stay in heaven.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Malkie needs help with her kids. Please volunteer to walk her kids, cook for her family and drive them.
 
Mark Schwartz smells disgusting. Nobody wants to tell him and embarrass him. The board felt the best way to handle this was to put it in the announcements.
 
Halacha Classes: Mother’s Day and the Chiyuv on Mothers to Make it Meaningful. Follow-up Class- Children and Their Lack of Appreciation and Why It's Annoying to See Them at Shul. Donating Nothing in Memory of Your Loved One with Our Members. Lack of Kiddish and How to Have Nobody Pray for Your Loved One. How to Not Pay for a Babysitter by Calling It Chesed. The Art of Telling People They Smell Bad and How to Make Friends. Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The mothers have to run the Mother's Day Kiddish if they want anything for Mother's Day. Nobody cares. I have never heard any of the kids in our shul say "thank you. I appreciate that Mom. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You gave up all your dreams of enjoying yourself for me." 
These little balls of Nachis are the least appreciative things I've ever seen in my life. That's why I don't give them candy. The candyman is now a bitter old man. He snarls when kids take the cany. I don't think he's gotten a Thank you in over thirty years. Just a lot of Paskesz and no thank yous.
How the parents in our shul can have Nachis is an anomaly. "I Schepp such Nachis from this one who is very good at taking things. So focused on herself. We're so proud."
 
The staying in heaven announcement was brilliant. They should use that for all donations. “Give more to the appeal or your loved one is going to hell.” That’s how you run a business.
They are trying to get Mashka to dedicate something in her father’s honor. Those people will give nothing to the shul
Last Shabbis was Mark's dad's Yahrzeit. People spat. No Kiddish. No Shalishudis. They heard it was Mark's father's Yahrzeit and they cursed him. That's what no Kichel will do.

Malkie moved to our community to have child walkers. They’re like dogs. They need people walking them. So, she gets people in our community to do it. Guised as Chesed, she doesn't have to pay them anything.
That's what Chesed has turned into. The Mitzvah of kindness has turned into helping lazy people.  
She’s just taking advantage of the Chesed. Chesed is letting Malkie relax on her couch and to catch up on a good series.

Nobody could tell Mark he smells disgusting. Everybody feels too bad. They don’t want to embarrass him. They just stay away. I haven't seen anybody say "Good Shabbis" to Mark in the last two months, afraid that by exhaling the words they might accidently breathe.
Thank Gd it’s in the announcements. Like he couldn't tell when everybody shifted to the left of the shul.

And for Mother's Day the mothers got no "thank you" for the Kiddish. 
As I found out later, Mother's Day is Asur. Part of the Mitzvah of honoring your parents is not showing appreciation.
I think Mark got the message with the class "Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day."