She Just Became Religious: Bad Date with a Bal Teshuva

by David Kilimnick

How my date would've looked if romance wasn't forbidden. (Sawyouatsinai.com used that photo- and they claim they're helping religious people get married)

Tu BAv, the holiday of Jewish love is upon us. So, here's another recording of a bad date.
I was dating this religious girl who just decided to became religious. That was it. She had a bad day, broke up with her boyfriend she was living with and decided she was a Bal Teshuva. She said, 'I don't want to have fun anymore.' She found out she didn't have to pay for Kiddish, and that was it. She was a Bal Teshuva, a returner in penitence, also known as a Chozer BTshuva or somebody who ruins good times.
She just started being religious, which means that I was a heretic, as I was religious my whole life. Let me chronicle this experience so we can learn from it.

She Judged My Blessing
The whole date she couldn't get over the fact that I didn't have enough Kavanah (proper intent) when saying the Bracha. I made the blessing. I thought that was enough. To this day, I still don't know the requisite amount of Kavanah involved in eating a french fry.
She didn't stop. She said I didn't close my eyes enough, and that my Bracha was illegitimate. It was then that we moved onto the conversation of her two kids she had before she decided to become religious. It turns out she now needed somebody to pay for her children to go to Jewish day school. So, she needs a religious man who will commit to this relationship thing.
As soon as she started telling me about her religious journey, I fell asleep. At that point she said, 'Now, that's Kavanah.'

Where Was the Date
I thought a restaurant would be nice. She wanted to go to a Shiur. A class. We showed up to the class. The rabbi sat the men and women on different sides. That was the only part of the date that went well.
It was after the class that we went for dinner. The Hashgacha wasn't good enough at the first restaurant. It only had one rabbinic certificate. She wanted at least four. She said that no restaurant should trust the rabbi giving them a certificate.
​We ended up at a nice dairy cafe. Yankel Mendel's Cafe. She said the name sounded religious enough. She was fine with the three Hashgachas. He had one for dairy, one for meat, and one that said Yankel in Hebrew that she said was a Hashgacha, as it was in Hebrew.

I Asked Her Story
I asked when she became religious. She told me she had an epiphany three weeks ago and told her rabbi that she didn't want to enjoy life anymore. Her rabbi said, 'I think you're on the right path.' And she became religious.
She then told me the whole story of how she became a Bal Teshuva by by telling her parents they did everything wrong. I asked about Kibud Av vEim, honoring your parents. She said she never heard of that commandment.
I asked her what she liked about Yiddishkeit. She had no idea what that meant, and she told me that's not a Frum word. She just knew that she was better than me and her parents.

She Is Now Shomeret Negiah
She told me she wanted to stop touching guys. Now. With me. For religious reasons. I explained to her that this was not a good way to inspire other people to become religious.
I asked what happened with her last boyfriend. She said, 'I just moved out. We broke up and I felt it was time to stop living with him.' It turns out she was partying and touching every guy she could for the past thirty-eight years. As a religious man, I was bothered by how many hands she shook.
Her only focus on the date, other than telling me I'm a bad Jew, was to not touch. I started eating, she was shocked that I touched the cannoli. She said that's not allowed. 'You shouldn't touch. Touching is forbidden.' And then she told me I ate french fries not religiously.
She told me men and women shouldn't be talking. To quote, 'Good religious men don't talk to women.' I had no idea how to respond to that. I sat for a minute in silence. I actually enjoyed that minute. At that point I ended the date. I didn't tell her I was ending the date. I thought getting up and leaving, and not footing the bill, was what a good religious man would do.
So, I got up and devoured that cannoli with the a passion that could only be seen by a man who hasn't touched a woman since second grade, when he danced the Hora, not knowing that was a sinful act.

In her religious journey, she learned nothing about honoring her parents. But she did learn touching and talking to men is forbidden. And she has to go on dates. She learned how to go on dates and tell the guy he is a heretic.

I called off the second date and spent that time with my Musar rebbe, who also told me that I need more intent when I make a Bracha. He said, 'It's a french fry. It comes from H'. A good one has that crunch. You know, the oily ones that went back in the deep fryer. You have Kavanah! For crying out loud! Kavanah! That stuff is good. Then you dunk it mayonnaise or ketchup. Put on a few pounds...' I had never heard somebody go off like that, on love of french fries and Gd. After the french fry speech, I got a call from her rabbi saying he was very disappointed in me. He never met me, but he heard I was touching stuff on the date. I felt so bad when he asked, 'Cannolis?!' I felt like a sinner. That date ruined my chances with any girl from Neve Seminary.
I didn't do anything right that date. It felt like I was having dinner with my family.

Next time I went out was with another Shomeret Negiah girl, she said we can't touch until we get married. I proposed the first date.