Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeira

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask people not offend the religion and culture of others. Based on the nonreligious members of our congregation and what they dressed as for Halloween, it would appear that our community is full of a bunch of racists. 
Please note, though are members are idiots, not all Asians are from the Han dynasty.
 
We have a Canadian that just moved here to get away from antisemitism. We want to commend them on not making Aliyah and taking a chance with their life. Welcome to Topeka.
 
The shul now has Takana decree weddings and Bar or Bat Mitzvahs. Brisses too. Now the most expensive thing at the Simchas is the gifts. The rabbi figured you guys are already very cheap with your gifts. Giving eighteen dollars.
Point is, you still have to pay your dues. There are no Takana dues. Just members we don't like.
 
We are celebrating Mark’s fifty-fourth birthday. How that’s a celebration is beyond us. The office discussed it and we still can’t figure out how that’s something to celebrate. But we have to announce it.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Holiday- How Our Congregants Ruining Halloween By Dressing as Themselves and Scaring People. Why It's Asur to Live in Canada and How Maple Syrup Can Be Found in America. When Takana Simchas Go Too Far- Decree Parties and How The Hundred-and-Fifty-Dollar Band Did Not Practice. Why Nobody Wanted to Celebrate Mark's Fifty-Fourth.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lot has to leave Sedom. He asks to flee to a city where he can be accepted as a decent man... In Birmingham, nobody would like you. Stop that Fruma. Nobody would like you there... You have one friend here. And they think you’re a sinner... Lot doesn’t want to go to the mountain. It’s too much... The angels concede, don't make Lot go to the mountain, and don’t destroy this city that Lot wants to go to. Not everything has to be a fight, Freida...

(Bereishit 19:22) And the angel says to Lot, “Hurry. Flee there. Because I can’t do the thing until you are there...” When has anybody here ever rushed for anything. Waiting for you guys to get an Aliyah is the most painful... And then your Mishebeyrachs. You guys get up there with lists. How many times have you heard me say, “Hurry. Finish your Mishebeyrach. Nobody cares about your family. We can’t do the thing until you finish”?... The “thing” is Musaf. And then the Chazin takes his time.
Move. Sometimes you have to move. Or we can’t get things done... The angels had to destroy Sedom and Amorah... I can't tell you why there's a "G" in Amorah, Alex...

And you guys are in the way​. Like right now. You're in the way of an amazing sermon. Felvel and Sadie, and Rivka, are taking it in. But you all are also here...
Sometimes you can't get stuff done when congregants are in the way. Like trying to wash the Kohen's hands for Duchening... We had to hold off on the High Holiday priestly blessings because congregants were in the way of the washing station... Yisraels can wash in the bathroom. During Musaf, when we're trying to get the Kohens up to the Bima, to do the Birkat Kohanim, so we can finally leave shul... 
You guys hold things back. Good stuff... You fleeing to Birmingham would be appreciated...

We can’t fix it if you don’t get out of the way. This is why we never get anything done. This is why there is still a leak. Bernie just sits there. Why you don't move your seat when there is a leak right above it... Hurry. Flee, Bernie.

Where do you flee to?
Lot wants to thrive. Where can you thrive? Lot thrives where people aren't that good. Which is why our congregation flourishes... Not Birmingham. Here. If you moved faster. If hustled a hustle a bit, here...
You move slow and you ruin everything. The Chazin knows he’s annoying. Which is why he goes slow...
If you got out of the way, at least the shul could thrive. If you hustled out of the way.
Don't think. When you think, bad things happen. That's how we ended up with a board. And that is why we’re stuck here in Topeka... Lot thought and it slowed everybody down. His wife starts to think. Looks back. She turns to salt. Bad things happen when our congregants don't move... Out of town.

Stop thinking and move faster. When you think, you do dumb stuff, and I can't thrive... I am blaming you.

You thought about what to dress up as for Halloween.
And you dressed as Jews... You are Jews. And you still found a way to offend Jews with your dress... Halloween being Friday night was messed up. Coming home from shul, little kids were asking, “Why are so many people dressed like Jews?! That’s offensive..."
Jews don't do Halloween, unless if they're my congregants... Not just that you're bad Jews.
And then you get dressed up, and you mock other cultures... I also don't think it's fine for our kids to walk around on Purim dressed as Chinese from the Han dynasty. Not all Asians look like that. And the pagans are thinking you have to be real offensive to still be dressing up like that in March... Well. That's how our nonJewish neighbors see it. "The Jews are getting dressed up like Chinese and it's not even Halloween"... On Halloween, global Psak is you can offend people.
Why is your kid wearing shorts in shul? Is he dressed like an Apikores?! Or his dad? Oh!!!
You would've thrived if you realized that Jews don't celebrate pagan holidays... Because they're not Jewish. 
The problem is your thinking. Good Jews think, "We shouldn't do Halloween." You shouldn't think.

Canadians move very slow. Which is why their economy is... The problem there is they think. The police are still trying to figure out if the attack on the shul was an attack.
The congregation was attacked again in Toronto... We don’t live in Canada. Everything will be OK. The problem is Canadians sometimes move to America. And if those are the cops that defunding the police gets us, we will never be able to do the thing... The thing we need to do.
The police are not protecting them there. They're still figuring out if a swastika is a hate crime. The problem is they're thinking too much. 
Let us not be Canadian. Let us not have cops who start committees... Because they're not a congregation. They don't need a committee.
You slow down our shul enough...

It's simple. A Takana Simcha is a party where you can't spend more than a certain amount. It's a decree to make the Simchas more enjoyable by not having a carving station... Because they take too long. 
There is nothing to think about. That's the beautiful thing about the Takana party. It's a set amount...
Mr. Bergman. You can't even do a Takana Bar Mitzvah if you guys don't pay... Yes. You have to pay something. It's not free. It's not a Mamdani Simcha... You don't negotiate a decree. The decree is the amount. You negotiate and we can't do the thing... The thing is the Bar Mitzvah. And we can't do it, because you guys are arguing about the set amount. Which is the set amount that everybody pays... Your enjoyment of haggling is slowing down our community...
The gifts you guys give are real cheap. We should have Takana gifts so you guys will give more. The gift Takana is you can't say eighteen dollars is meaningful... I don't care if it's the numerical number of life. The Takana is it has to be at least double Chai to be meaningful. At least give something people want... Like a pledge you'll move faster with your Mishebeyrachs, and you won't bless every cousin by name. 
The Takana is there make it good for everybody... It’s not a Mamdani thing. It’s not about killing Jews. it’s not a Canadian thing where people get to attack Jews in the name of free healthcare...
Dues are Takana. And you don’t do that. You still have to pay for the hall. Just less. It’s not free... Mamdani did not create this. I can't believe I have Jew haters in my shul... I am annoyed by Jews. My congregants are annoying... Then move to New York. Mamadani may give free Jewish weddings. And that’s how you know he’s an anti-Semite... Everything is free but Jewish day schools and Simchas.

Mark’s fifty-fourth is being celebrated because his wife is paying for it. I hope that answers everybody’s questions. Your questions slow me up. Now, I can finish the sermon... Mark. Nobody would care if your wife didn’t pay. We celebrate birthdays in five-year increments till you’re eighty-five. After eighty-five people care every year, a bit. After ninety. Then people truly care. If you don't reach ninety, people won't even know you died...
Nobody cares about your birthday, Mark. Truly. Nobody cares. We really don't care. Nobody wants to celebrate this thing... Mazel Tov. Because your wife paid for Kiddish... There is no Takana for fifty-fourth birthday, because it's not a Simcha.
Can I finish the Drasha?!...

(Bereishit 19:22) They couldn’t destroy this city Lot was fleeing to... Because Lot was there, Sharon. This is why you people shouldn't be thinking. Because you are idiots. 
“So they called the city Tzoar.” Which means small. It was a small city. Lot was asking to go to small place. A place he could thrive... He did not say Topeka. He specifically did not say Topeka. Nobody thrives in this congregation...
Tzoar was the one surviving city. And he had to be pushed by the angels to go. Even though he requested, he needed a little push. When the world is getting destroyed with fire balls it might be a little stifling. Kind of like having to celebrate a fifty-fourth birthday that makes no sense...
Tzoar also means grief. Pain. When you’re the only one surviving, you feel grief. When you’re the only one who has to deal with a shul of Apikorsim, where people get dressed up for Halloween, you feel grief. There is loss.
When tragedy hits, you get stuck. And you need an angel to help you move forward to your place... This isn't an ad for Visiting Angels. But they're good.

You know when else there is grief. When you have to give these huge gifts at weddings. I never felt so bad at a Simcha till I saw how much my wife spent on the vase... Honey. I don't care if it was on the registry list. Of course it was. Nobody wants to spend that kind of money on a cup for flowers. Why didn't we just buy them a house?! They had that on their registry too, honey...

With all that happened, Lot moved to a place of grief. A place of pain. But he moved. He continued.
It's a pain to have to wait for you to walk up to get an Aliyah. So slow. But we go ahead. Even with the pain of you being a member.
To make it through. Sometimes, you have to move ahead. You have to take action. You have to thrive in some way. You can't let it debilitate you, like the congregation debilitates me... You all hold me back. You're painful.
You don't have to climb a whole mountain. You just have to not mess up the holidays for everybody. Maybe to not force everybody to celebrate every single celebration. Nobody cares that you had another grandchild... We have enough holidays to celebrate... Mark. Max turned ninety-four. Nobody said a thing. We need Takana birthdays. Like no forcing the community to celebrate every one of Mark's birthdays... But there is Kiddish...
Move a little. Move out of town. Go to a place of pain. But go there... Don't get stuck in one spot, or you'll end up having to be the rabbi to the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

Say what you want about Lot, but he was self-aware. He knew he was a small-town boy. He wouldn't have joined the board... Because he was Avraham's nephew and he knew he would mess things up.

Rivka's Rundown
Marissa went on a trip to Birmingham. She won't stop talking about it.

The people really do move slow. Everything our membership does is at half speed. Shmuel Baruch pulled out a list of his extended family for the Mishebeyrach blessings. From his hand to his pocket, it took three minutes.

Why Bernie is getting blamed for a leak above his seat that should've been fixed during the week, not explainable. There are other things to blame Bernie for. The rabbi didn't have to focus on the leak. When the rabbi said, "Hurry. Flee. Bernie," he was trying to get rid of him.

I'm happy the rabbi finally brought his wife into the sermon. She deserved a ribbing too. Ever since she paid dues on behalf of the family, she's fair game.

The rabbi said we have to hustle. He got so into the idea of hustling, he said he’s going to coach the shul softball team next year.

On Halloween, they gave the nonJewish kids Paskesz. That's got to be a culture shock. Just hearing "Paskesz" these kids know there's something Jewish about it. There is no more Jewish word than Paskesz.
​I don’t love Paskesz sour sticks. I love Trader Joe’s fish gummies. They taste better. Trader Joe’s gives a good name to the Jews. That's why I give out Trader Joe's gummies for a Jewish Halloween experience.
​Dressing like Jews on Shabbis. It's impressive how they found a way to offend their own people by dressing as them. That’s what non-religious Jews do. They dress as Jews, and it's offensive. 
I'm just offended we have some members that get dressed up for Halloween, but they can't wear a suit to shul.

Canada is bad. Their police need to know too many languages to be effective. Due to French, they're still trying to figure out if breaking windows and doors to a Jewish institution and painting a swastika on a shul are hate crimes.

Due to our rabbi pushing this Takana pay very little idea, we have gotten more congregants. The supporters seem to be the people who don’t like going broke on Simchas. Which I believe is everybody, except for the Hermans, whose daughter is a fan of Miley Cyrus. Bringing Miley Cyrus to a Bat Mitzvah is not in the Takana plan. If they could've just convinced their daughter that Hannah Montana is now forty years old, they might have been able to go the Takana route. It took that little girl years to understand that Hannah is not Jewish.
The rabbi tried the idea of Takana Jewish day schools. Not happening. Nor are Takana dues. Though, with Takana dues we would've gotten a lot more members. And with Takana day school, the day school would've got a lot more students. It turns out that money deters people.
Every wedding is the same. Why pay??? I agree. Keep it cheap. Get it over. Nobody cares about Bracha and Menachem's wedding.

How Simchas are more enjoyable without a carving station, I don't know. I think that's the only issue. Carving stations are a decent argument against Takana Simchas.

I appreciate the rabbi telling us why we’re celebrating a fifty-fourth. It really makes no sense. It’s like celebrating a granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah. Nobody cares. The rabbi made it clear, "it’s the Kiddish."
​Our shul would be much better off announcing Kiddishes and not Simchas. Announcements should be: We are celebrating Mark's Kiddish and the Herman's daughter's Kiddish. There's a birthday and a Bat Mitzvah, but nobody cares.