Sermons of Rebuke V: Yitro

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The rabbi said the Gabai is not allowed to call up relatives for a first birthday party. To quote, "A child turning one is not our problem." Kal VaChomer, even more so, a two-year old’s birthday party.
Your family coming in to celebrate is great. It’s not a Simcha, even if Malkie's parents think it’s important. The shul can care less.
And nobody has to give gifts. We want to make that clear. Don't feel the need to buy the little one something pink.
 
No more dried fruit are allowed in our shul. Tu BShvat was a beautiful holiday last week. However, our congregants do not have the stomach for figs and not salted almonds.
 
The Torah holder has been fixed. They are there now. From now on, following Hagba, the Torah will be able to be placed in the holder.
This is about Kavod and future respect shown to people who are not as weak as Yankel, who can barely lift a Torah cover. We as a congregation want to apologize for giving Hagba last week to Melech Simcha. It was disrespectful. Making him sit there for forty-five minutes. He thought it was a Kavod. That changed very fast. Somebody should’ve done the Torah take away, and handed the Torah to the Galilah guy that nobody respects.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Parents Who Celebrate What Nobody Cares About- How Malkie's Birthday Means Nothing If She Won't Remember It. Tu BShvat Stomach Aches- How Our Congregants Find A Way to Complain Even When They're Not Saying Anything. When Hagba Turns Disrespectful- A Kavod That Turns Into a Forty-Five Minute Ordeal.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 19:4-6) After leaving Egypt and seeing all the miracles, H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. “Now. If you listen, listen, to My voice and guard My covenant, you will be a treasured people from all other nations, because the land belongs to Me. And you will be a princely people. A holy nation.” Listen. Not one of you listens... That's why you're not a treasured congregation. You're a treasured people with a very poor board who wastes a lot of money.
"If you listen." You have to listen... If you don't. You have our congregation. You have our membership. And you have people who don’t know when to stand for the Amidah... Listen. For crying out loud. The one thing you're asked to do as a treasured people. Listen. And I have to deal with a people that has ADD. The Gabai makes the announcement every Shabbis. Every single time. “Page 368”... 

You have to be a holy nation. We are called on to be this. You have to work at it. You do this by listening... I have to repeat this?! Again. I always have to repeat for your guys. Listen. 368. Musaf begins on page 368...

Listening is an action we're called on to do. Mitzvahs are a actions we're called on to do. Renovations is not the action we're called upon to do. And the board has been very good at not finishing them... And losing our money. The shul treasury is gone...

You think I know what a covenant is? I don’t have that good of a vocabulary. A Breet, I understand.

‘Now.” Why now? Why after the miracles? Because you people are impossible to convince. Even once you listen, you start asking questions, like, "Is there really going to be chocolate mousse at Kiddish?"... There isn't. It's just an example. You don't even believe when we have the enhanced Kiddish... I don't know what that means. I think they just enhance the choolante with paprika...
I couldn’t even convince you to get a new awning for the shul.
That’s why H’ has to say listen twice. Has to make sure you're listening, so He doesn't have to waste His time convincing you again. "Listen. You just saw Me split the sea. You saw Me place boils on everybody. I turned water into blood. The sea. I split a sea for crying out loud, and I still don't have your attention. Water from the rock. How about that one. Now are you convinced? Will you listen now? Do I need to get David Copperfield for showmanship?! Like the Manna and quail was not enough?"
You guys don't listen. If this was Simon Says... ​We played Simon Says. He said it and... You argued he didn’t say to touch your toes. You didn’t listen...

Rabbi says listen.
Now. Let’s talk. That's what H' is saying. He finally got their attention after fifteen national miracles and holding a mountain over their heads... No. Listen. I will not repeat this. 
We are going to make a Breet. To work on... OK. Want to call it a covenant. OK. Just listen. No more renovations. You're going to do Mitzvahs right. You're going to wrap Tefillin on your arms... I thought the lace boot was a Tefillin strap...
Rabbi says to listen...

Birthdays for little toddlers is not in the covenant... Breet is covenant. That’s what Bracha says it means. 
Gd did not command us to take pictures of kids that can't place a piece of cake in their mouth. There is not Mitzvah to take a picture of a child that messed up and got frosting all over their face... It's embarrassing. 
Expecting family to come in for a two-year old’s birthday is not fair... It’s not a Bar anything... I know it’s a girl. It’s not a Bat anything. It’s not a Mitzvah. It's you trying to get out of having to pay for onesies... We celebrate twelve, because she'll remember that. She'll be able to listen at that point...

If you would’ve listened and not eaten two pounds of dried figs...
You spent the week after Tu BShvat complaining to H’ that His creation gives you stomach aches. The worst celebration, because you didn’t listen to my advice. Now you’re a constipated people...
If you were Israelis, you would appreciate it. They can handle dried fruit and nuts. They start their toddlers on peanuts, cashews, almonds, sunflower seeds... This way, they can enjoy Tu BShvat... They’re called Pitzuchim. Israelis celebrate Tu BShvat all year... Because they have the stomach for it...
You are not supporting the JNF by eating dried fruit. There are no dried fruit trees...
I have to convince you of this?! Meredith has been puking for the past week. Now do you believe me?!...
Rabbi says to eat in moderation on Tu BShvat...
​
The rabbi didn't say to give Beshalach Hagba to Melech Simcha...
You got Hagba because the Gabai doesn't like you. It was disrespect. We don’t have our Torah holder. The holes need to be fixed in the holder. It's disrespect... That was rude. Giving it to Melech Simcha. A good guy. Should’ve given the long Hagba Torah hold to Pinny. Melech Simcha is a good guy... Chas vShalom. Bernie can't even hold himself up...
And it was Beshalach last week. That was like five Haftorahs. Boy. That was long. I timed his sitting with the Torah at forty-five minutes.
Didn’t even do the Hagba to Galilah switch. Usually, the Hagba guy bullies the Galilah loser.
Melech Simcha thought he was getting a Kavod, and then he had to sit there for the longest Haftorah... Should've broken that up. The rabbis did that to get back at somebody in Babylonia. And then the Chazin sang. He was doing tunes for Av Harachamim. Who does that?!
The Chazin and the Gabai have to ask Melech Simcha for forgiveness... The rabbi says so...

I have to repeat this?! I said I wouldn't repeat it. You didn't listen again... Don't give Hagba to people you like, until the Torah holder gets fixed. You don't do that to treasured people...

It’s Segulah. Treasure. Not chosen. What is this chosen?... We were chosen yes. To be an Am Segulah. Treasured to listen to Gd and to be hated by everybody. And you never listen... I can't stand you because you don't listen... You were not chosen to not listen. Listen. I will be repeating this sermon. If I ever witness the miracle of you hearing the sermon... The congregation is hard of hearing. Bernie and Merv are aging. Sadie is ninety. If somebody would have told me. I'll talk louder...

So, what does Am Segulah mean? People hate us. That's the translation...
You give somebody Hagba and you make him hold the Torah, they hate you. You get all selfish and give Hagba to Melech Simcha. Now he’s never coming back.
A treasured people to get stomach cramps from dried fruit. A holy people with acid reflux. A treasured people who can't hear and doesn't listen. A princely people...
Treating the two-year-old like a prince. That's annoying. A reason to hate the Feldmans...

Now. Again. Page 368!!!!! Rabbi says turn to page 368.

May we merit to listen and be a holy treasured people... Page 368!!!!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi started a new game called Rabbi Says Listen. The idea is for people to listen to him and not argue. That's the game. He said it's a lot of fun. 
We once had Simon Says. It was pathetic. Simon left mid-game. He yelled, "How can I do this game if nobody listens. Do I hearing test before you bring Simon back." And then he ran. Simon talks about himself in third person. 
It was interesting that Simon was running Simon Says. He felt pegged as a child. Other kids in his class went into tech because their parents named them Alexander and Sandra.

Nobody listens. Gabai announces the Kedusha pages. We have to do it again. Never listen. They never listen. Sermons would be so much quicker if the congregants listened.
I believe I caught the sermon. Segulah. Chosen. Treasured. Hated. Rabbi hates our congregants.

So. Breet means covenant.
The rabbi made a covenant with the congregation that he can't stand them. And they have to listen.

These enhanced Kiddishes add nothing. They enhance the amount of people that show, and then I get less food. So, they add Kugel, and it's gone.

Haven’t finished renovations. We are not good at the actions. We talk about doing stuff, but we don't do. We're very good at talking. We're not good at listening and making things happen. 
The shul is now broke, because they thought the paint job needed to be done by somebody who was from the treasured people. It turns out you have to pay Feivel Moshe more when he paints.
Somebody brought up the idea of using Tim, is not Jewish. That would've been cheaper, but nobody listened. And now we're broke. And that’s why our members didn’t understand how they are part of the treasured nation.

They wanted gifts for Becky’s party. Two years old. The gift is for the Feldmans. What are they going to do with Onesies? Show up to the office in a Onesie. Messed up.
I think they wanted to save on clothes and toys for the little one. Thus, they had a party for the little girl who couldn’t even figure out how to blow out the candles. That was pathetic. We had to sit there for ten minutes trying to explain to her that she has to blow. She burped. That was it.
The rabbi now refuses to announce birthdays. He said, "We have too much to care about. I can't afford another gift." It's messed up. And you can't give used gifts when it's a party. So now, our congregation has an overflow of pink headbands with bows.
Going off on Av Harachamim, the Chazin was rubbing it in, mocking Melech Simcha. He knew Melech Simcha was sitting there, trying to hold the Torah with all of his Kavanah, trying to pretend like people aren’t laughing at him. Such a selfish showoff. The Chazin honestly has no Midot. Here, Melech Simcha is sitting there, looking like an idiot, and the Chazin is putting on a show. I’m just worried Melech Simcha will never be respected by his kids again.
In school, the kids were all talking about how strong their dads were. Melech Simcha’s kids always won, talking about their dad and his Hagba skills. That argument is over. Now Pinny’s kids are like, “My dad did Galilah. Made your dad do Hagba and sit there. Your dad works for my dad.” And Melech Simcha’s kids just sat there. Like their dad. He can’t come back to our shul after that.

Sitting next to Fran, she lets loose even without dried fruit. The dried fruit made it so bad. All of Shabbis, I had to hear it.
I went to sit on the other side of the shul, and people were asking why I moved. I told them, "Tu BShvat. Fran had Tu BShvat."
I hope Tu BShvat goes away by next week. Tu BShvat in our shul is a kind of stomach disease.

Punished with Hagba and no Torah holder. That was rude. They raise his hopes. He thinks he's important. And then everybody's looking at him still sitting there, like him like he's a loser. 
They have you sit there. Just holding the Torah for half hour. Whole time you’re thinking, “I hope it doesn’t drop.” They should just put it back right away. It's a punishment. They sit you in the corner and tell you it's a Mitzvah. They're all going out for schnapps, and you're stuck there holding the Torah with a hangover.

Rabbi started a Simon Says Shiur. The Rabbi Says Listen. He told them to follow in the Chumash. Not one person did it. He had to kick everybody out.