Sermons of Rebuke V: vZot HaBracha and Simchat Torah

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask people get their exercise at home. People are complaining about congregants getting in their steps during the silent prayer. It has been reported that Moishie walks very loud.
 
Kids have to be watched over by somebody. We are asking anybody other than parents to help. Anybody other than their mothers and fathers. We have given up on those people.
We will be throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. So make sure they don’t get excited.

Please do not injure children with candy. We are asking for Simchat Torah safety.
We also ask people dance normally, out of respect for the Jewish people and our nation, Israel.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Annoy People in Shul with Walking Groups During Shacharit. How to Not Parent- The Art of Bringing Your Kids to Shul. When Hitting a Child with Candy is Fine- History of the Bar Mitzvah. Dances That Are Offensive to Our People- Merv and The Evolution of a Messed-up Hora. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Chag Sameach My Pupils...
Let us dance with our nation this Simchat Torah. Not Merv. No idea what he's doing with the Torah. He thinks he's doing a salsa out there... It's for our nation this year. So, let's do it correctly. Let's keep it simple and stay in circle form...

We end vZot HaBracha and immediately start the Torah again, with Bereishit. Because you already forgot it... You don’t keep the Mitzvot and your kids are already messing up again...
How do we practice the Torah again? Let's look to Moshe's blessing of Zevulun and Yissachar.
Zevulun and Yissachar had a good relationship. Unlike the Schwartz kids who can’t get along. And run around the shul like a bunch of Vilde Chayas.
They were two brothers who benefited each other. Zevulun provided the money and Yissachar learned and provided the spiritual reward for both of them. And for some reason, Yissachar didn't complain. He wasn't being supported by his parents like Yankel who's now spending time at Yeshivas Shaar Yashuv, due to his complaints about his parents being heretics. Which they are... The shul benefits nothing. Even the last benefit wasn't a benefit. We lost money...

(Devarim 33:18) Moshe tells Zevulun, “Be happy in your going out, and Yissachar in your tents.” Be happy in what you do... Going out means working. It doesn’t mean getting hammered, you drunk...
The answer is to practice with happiness, in your going out. I'm not Rav Nachman of Breslov. Even so, as we learn from his lessons, being with this congregation does not lead to happiness... Maybe, if Nachum wasn't a downer when he's going out with the ladies...
You're happy when fulfilling your role. And our board has done nothing. Which seems to be their role. To do nothing of help... I don’t know what Ben and Simcha’s roles are in the shul. I don’t know what Menachem and Baruch are doing here. Nobody knows how to lead the Davening. Can’t read the Torah. You even mess up the Torah blessings. You messed up an Aliyah... Moishie's role is to bother people while they're Davening. Which is why he's a happy person.
It was their strengths. The brothers were happy with their strengths. Please let me know if anybody here has a strength... 
Zevulun made money and used it for something positive... What have you done with your money other than the membership at the country club?! You haven't even paid your dues... The shul renovations are not positive. And they're not your money. You can't spend the shul's money on the shul and call it your Tzedakah. The shul is now poorer...

Why are we all depressed here? Not happy. Because our role as a community is to be kind. To give. Like Zevulun and Yissachar.
We don’t share anything. You told the guy to leave the shul because he took your seat. You didn't even say, "This is my seat." You said, "Leave." You could've at least said, "Leave. This is my seat." He thought you were a random guy kicking him out of shul. Bullies aren't happy...
No responsibility. This is why you're all depressed. You're doing nothing. You're on the board. On committees... Exactly. Doing nothing.
Can we be happy here? No. Let us explore your roles...

Your role is not to get in more steps during Shabbis Davening... How do you get in steps during the silent prayer. It's the Amidah. You have to keep your feet together. How do you get steps in, standing in one spot?!... 
No walking during the holiday. There's enough walking around on Simchat Torah. You don’t need to get more steps... It's not a dance. What you guys are doing is walking in a circle.
I think Moishie has gotten two hundred thousand of his yearly steps in during Musaf. I know because I hear each one... Fifteen thousand a day. Crazy.
Maybe you'd be happy if you trained other people. Gave them some of your steps...

By the way. On Simchat Torah we will be throwing candies at your kids. But watch them. Make sure they behave.
Make sure your children are not wild when they have all of Hershey's and every gummy of every creature thrown at them... It's not hard for them to not to be excited. Just have them look at you and they will be reminded of depression. I see you at shul and my excitement is gone. I'm not happy anymore. You bring depression to my holiday...
Yes. We are saying you're not good parents... Your child is getting whacked by candy. No helmet. No vest. Just slacks and a button down. No knee pads. You're fine with your child getting hit... You don't even let them eat candy.

Find your rule. Moishie and Rivki know their role is to throw candies at kids and to get in steps...

We read Kohelet last Shabbat. I was uplifted. After seeing the members of this shul, Ecclesiastes was a pick-me-up... If he would've seen our membership, King Solomon would’ve said "there is no time for these people." 
There is a time to walk and there is a time to not walk. And the time to walk is in shul... You don’t walk in shul Harry... There is a time to be with congregants and there is never a time to be here... This shul is Hevel Havalim.
There is no time for Merv to dance. There is never a time for our shul president to be involved. If the board just stayed out of shul decisions everybody would be happy... Your calling is to stay out of shul decisions... Watch your kids too. The time to watch your kids is until 10am and after 11am when groups end...

Zevulun and Yissachar will be nourished by the sea (Devarim 33:19)... I don't know if they liked salmon. I would like to think they did... You eating squid is forbidden. Don't try to use the nourishment argument for sin... Rashi makes it clear that the Torah mentions both Yissachar and Zevulun, because the sea gives them both money in abundance. How is Yissachar benefiting? Because Yissachar receives the money from Zevulun's going out to sea. And the shul has benefited nothing from its membership...
(Devarim 33:20) Gad who is on the boarder, protecting Israel, is living like “a lion.” Not like a middle class family in Topeka... You couldn't protect the shul. The new security team of the aging with earphones... You're listening to music on Shabbis. Might as well be eating squid. Both Aveiras... Have you seen squid? Not Kosher. Doesn't look like sardines. Maybe eating squid is worse than protecting the shul. The point is Gad would've at least had Byrnas... Artscroll teaches that Gd gives us gifts that are “commensurate with responsibility.” Which is why nobody in this shul got anything last Chanukah... None of you live up to anything you're supposed to do.
A responsibility to see how depressing our congregation is. A responsibility to not get your steps in in the middle of Davening. It's Simchat Torah. We have a responsibility to not injure our children, and we are given the correct amount of candy to do it.
And that is what leads to happiness. When we follow our responsibilities. Take Gd’s gifts and use them right... Not Gad. Gd. Oh Gd... You have the gift of candy from Gd. Throw it at kids...
H' provides the nourishment from the sea, because that is what Zevulun and Yissachar needed... Don't blame H' for the board. The shul needs other people...
H' provides. But we first need to know take responsibility.

Maybe somebody can have a relationship with Merv. A Zevulun Yissachar relationship, where they give him dance lessons, and he gives them nothing. Somebody who has the gift of not looking like an idiot when they dance... Merv truthfully has nothing to offer. Just salsa dancing with the Torah. Which still makes no sense... Our new members from Puerto Rico had no idea what you were doing. They thought you were tangoing with it.
May H' provide people who don't look like fools when they dance.
If Merv danced not like an idiot, we would have a chance at communal joy. Somebody just has to take responsibility. Responsibility and blame... It takes two to Hora.

If we lived up to our responsibilities, we could make this a happy congregation...
Throwing candy at kids is how you find joy?! 
Throwing candy at children the way you do it is wrong. It's too violent... Is the Bar Mitzvah boy a child? No. The Bar Mitzvah is a man. Bar Mitzvah. I whipped that sucker at the Bar Mitzvah man!...

And maybe the shul could get some money. How about this? Be a Zevulun to this shul and donate something. You don't learn. None of you learn Torah. Maybe give money so your rabbi can get a raise, and you can be happy too.
And when we have our roles down, H' will provide... Your role is to not talk during the sermon...
You should be Zoyche to live your role. Good luck.

Rivka's Rundown
Getting back the living hostages right before the holiday brought the inner communal Simcha. It added to a sense of not hating everybody in shul.
The dancing was meaningful. We took responsibility to dance for our people. It was beautiful and it brought joy. Still have no idea what Merv was doing.

I am happy the rabbi made it clear that we cannot be happy in our shul.
I think the rabbi's message was take responsibility and you will be happy, which is why nobody on the board is happy. Or the message might have been to be happy in your work and hurt children by throwing suckers at them. Hurt them but don't injure them.
The president talks about the shul's money like it's his. He said he gave Tzedakah to the shul, because he used the shul's money to pay for the new dry wall in the garden. What idiot puts up Sheetrock around a gazebo?!

The rabbi left it at "good luck." He doesn't see hope for any of us.

A lot of walking in shul. That's how they dance too. They walk in a circle. That's it. There is no skipping or jumping, or hopping. Just a walk. A leisurely pace. That's how our men dance. They dance to get in steps.
Moishie took the rabbi's lesson to heart about training other people. Now, he has a walking group in shul.
Seriously. The guy walks around shul. Not even in the back. He goes up and down the aisles now. To quote Harry, “I feel like I get more steps when I go around the shul.”
Moishie truly took that lesson and flipped it on the rabbi. The rabbi is doing what he can to stop the walking in shul. The rabbi is now promoting less health, so people can concentrate on the prayers.

And then all the candies. The kids are filling up huge bags of candy. We're throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. Tons of candies. Anything that can hurt. They've got black and blue eyes from candy whoopings. They're stuffing their faces with the taffy, loving it, and their parents are there. The parents that don’t let them eat sweets.
I've given up on the parents. It's these same parents that don't let them play sports because it's too dangerous. Yet, they bring them to shul to get a candy whopping. I don’t get it.
Candy violence has to stop in our shul.
It was hard to figure out exactly when the rabbi is saying that throwing candies at kids is fine and when it's not. I am guessing that when you're passing them in a car, whipping candies at them is wrong. Even if they love it.
In our shul, candy is meant to hurt the kids. The congregants are fine with the kids getting that sugar, as long as the kid gets hit by it first. The candy committee argued that it's not abuse if it's with Ferrara Pan. I don't know if that is their Jaw Busters ad. But it sounds wrong.

And then everybody blames the kids for being too wild. How we expect kids to be responsible when the rabbi is dropping every candy from heaven.
I'm not going to lie. I get candy thrown at me, I'm happy. If it's candy, I will jump on the floor, kill the skirt. I don't care. I'm happy, even with a black and blue eye and a broken arm. Why they threw the whole box of Dum-Dums. Idiots. But I got the lollypops. Injured, but with some lollypops. Bittersweet moments.

The fact that they need an announcement to watch the kids is messed up. Though the kids are crazy, and I can understand parents being fine with their children running away. That sounds wrong. The kids in our shul walk. They're very out of shape.
The point is, they're crazy. With all the candies, by the end of Simchat Torah the kids were skipping with Harry around the shul.

Bar Mitzvahs do not compare with Simchat Torah. So much more candy on Simchat Torah. I hope the candy added to the meaning of our nation.