Sermons of Rebuke V: Vayikra

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Kroger has some good deals on Pesach food. Only fifteen dollars for a bottle of Kosher for Pesach mayonnaise. Kosher for Pesach lettuce is also on sale for just a little bit more than twenty dollars a pound.
 
Our prayers are with the US and Israeli armies. We apologize if that offends members of our shul. The board discussed it and with a vote of six to five, it was agreed that it is fine to pray for people who are protecting us and Israel. Even if it offends Jews in our shul, to pray for the protection of Jews is also fine.
The rabbi says you can support our soldiers, even if it isn’t an American thing to do. The board also voted you can’t blame Israel for everything, even if you are left-wing. Except for EL AL overcharging.
 
No outdoing the Chazin‘s singing. We know people like to sing and bother everybody. You are not allowed to out-singing the Chazin. The Chazin is loud enough. Children are scared, and we're losing congregants due to fear that Davening might take longer.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Save on Pesach Food- A Crash Course on How to Spend Only Thirteen Thousand Dollars on Pesach and Other Great Deals. The Art of Blaming Israel and Somehow Thinking You’re a Good Jew- With Our Congregants Who Show Up for Kiddish. How to Be a Chazin Without Being Asked to Be the Chazin- Shlomi and How He Sings Very Loud.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You bring a peace offering for peace. For H’s sake. Shlomo...
Sforno teaches the peace offering, the Shelamim, is brought when one recognizes Gd’s goodness. This congregation doesn't even recognize when they find a deal on Kosher for Pesach chocolate covered almonds. How can you recognize the gifts H’ gives you when you can’t appreciate finding a bag of almonds with chocolate on top for twelve dollars?! How can you appreciate Gd when you can't appreciate a sale on Pesach treats?! If you can't see H's miracles, how will you see his goodness.

Rashi teaches that it brings peace to the world. The Karban Shelmaim has a part for the Altar, a part for the Kohen, a part for the owner. Since everybody is satisfied, peace. Shalom.. I’ve never been satisfied after eating at the Minkowitz house. The portions are tiny. Everything is served on a teacup holder plate. And that is why there is no love in that family...

I don’t know if Shechting cattle in the Beit HaMikdash would bring peace to the Middle East. Slaughtering a cow will help with dinner. It would bring brisket to the Middle East. I don’t know if it would end the war. We’re just learning Torah... If you leaned Torah and shared a good Yapchik Kugel with a lot of meat in it, that would bring peace...
If we had the Beit HaMikdash would that bring peace? Don’t get me fired for sharing Torah ideas...

Rabbi Hirsch teaches that that the Shelamim sacrifice is called a Zevach, which could also mean a feast, because “during the eating of a peace-offering’s flesh, the owner would invite the family, friends and acquaintances.”
Again. Sharing. Sharing in praise of H’. You share H’s kindness, that brings peace.
I don't want to be invited to the Minkowitzs... Nobody breaks bread there, because they barely have any bread. Maybe a pita... People don't break pita. They rip it.
Again. Sharing. You share a feast... The Minkowitz family doesn’t share a feast because they cook barely anything. It’s like they’re hosting a rabbit for dinner, with the vegetables and no meat... Carrots in the choolante? Is that a Tzimis?! Nobody likes Tzimis...
Yes. I got it all from Artscroll. Does that mean it’s not correct?! Idiots.

Sharing... Sharing. Giving. It’s the same thing. Unless if you’re Ami, who takes. That’s what he does in the sharing process. He sits there and takes.
Recognize and share something that brings satisfaction...

Do you believe in H’? It’s Pesach. You’re supposed to spend money. That's how you bring H' to the world. That's how you share a feast. You spend a lot.
The miracle of Pesach is that even when you spend all of your money, H’ will provide... You spend money. You share the food. You have Shalom. The people that didn't pay for the Seder are happy... Your guests are happy. Unless if you're the MInkowitzs.
That's how you recognize H's goodness... It's a Mitzvah to go broke...

I understand there are people that want us dead. That’s why we pray for the president... I said it. Yes. We pray for the leader of our nation to have peace, to bring peace... He doesn't want to eat with you.
We thank H' for the blessing of life. We recognize peace... At least come to shul on time and Daven. Pray a Bissel.
And yes. We pray for Bibi. The leader of Israel... Israel is our homeland. Yes. It is. Always has been. Please let the board know, I apologize for letting Jewish people know that it's OK to pray for the Jewish homeland. I didn't mean to offend the Jews with talk of being part of a Jewish people... And we pray for the soldiers. I’m praying that I don’t have to deal with congregants.
And although it’s not American, we pray for America... This congregation turns me into an anti-Semite. I am getting to the point where I can't stand Jews... Because your political correctness is anti-Semitic. Your not being allowed to hate anybody somehow allows you to hate the Jewish people. And therefore, I hate you. I am starting to think that this thought I am having might bring Shalom...
Praying for Jews as Jews is fine. Jews being safe is part of Shalom. Peace.
Do you see the H' watching over us.  Can you feel it... I understand the board ruins recognition of Gd, and renovations...

Jews do something good, we get blamed... Israel leads an attack on a regime that’s been trying to kill us for forty-seven years, they get blamed.
If Israel doesn’t attack, they get blamed. I think they're confusing Israel with President Trump.
We’re still getting blamed for a genocide we didn’t do. We get blamed for stuff other people are trying to do to us. Kind of like what I have to deal with when it comes to the cost of Macaroons... I know they're expensive. I didn't do it. And yes. You are correct. Manischewitz are the ones targeting civilians...

What are we inviting people to share in? If it's not something enjoyable, that doesn't bring good. Hearing Shlomi sing, that doesn't bring peace. Hearing Shlomi overriding the Chazin doesn't help anybody recognize Gd during Kedusha. Nobody wants to join in that sacrifice of hearing his harmony...
The Chazin is painful enough. We don’t need you too. Nowhere in the Torah is there a suggestion to bring a voluntary offering of peace with Shlomi singing... Because that would chase everybody away from the Temple. Your harmony slows down Davening. And you can’t call it harmony. You’re louder than the Chazin. The Chazin is singing the song to your harmony. You threw him off. He thought you were the melody. That's how loud you are... Because you were louder... Melody is supposed to be louder. It’s not called melodizing. It's called harmonizing... You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you...
Sometimes it's sharing food. Sometimes is sharing a good song that brings peace. Sometimes it's Shlomi not singing...

The congregation wished you a Yashkoyach. Because they thought you were the one in charge. Sitting in your seat and running the Davening. Some even asked the Chazin to stop bothering your singing. They said he was rude for leading Davening.
You're not sharing your voice. Nobody wants to hear your voice. You're taking... Then you're sharing your voice too much. It's like overstuffing us with your sacrifice. It kind of turns it into us having to sacrifice for you. We don't feel the peace.

Ramban teaches the Karban Shaleim brings peace because of the wholeness of it. The one bringing the sacrifice is motivated not by a need for atonement but by a sense of wholeness.
It's pure praise. Pure wanting to give back. Something nobody in this shul does... It’s the full connection with H’ in the form of giving that brings peace. What it would be like to have that serenity of wholeness. A whole vacation away from here. Without having to deal with the board... The sisterhood giving back is a different conversation. It's almost as bad as Shlomi giving of his voice during Davening...

You give. You sacrifice. That brings wholeness. It brings all godliness together.
Shaleim, whole, is H'. Shalom. Karban Shelamim... It's not a pun.

When you're whole you can recognize Gd. And that comes from connection with others. Serving H' together. Without the Minkowitz family... And I understand if you don't want to connect with the other members at Kiddish. I hate our congregants too...

It’s the Minkowitz's fault. Probably bringing a turtle dove to sacrifice at the Temple... You can’t share a turtle dove. Maybe the Minkowitzs would find a way to split it up onto five teacup holders... A Shelamim has to feed people. It can't be a bird. You don't satisfy a community with a Cornish hen...
If the Minkowitzs gave us some chocolate covered almonds, we would find peace. Even if they got it on sale at Costco. That would bring recognition of H'... 
Chocolate covered almonds could bring peace to the Middle East... I know it costs a lot. If you stopped thinking about your money, and purchased everything for Pesach, there would be peace...

Rivka's Rundown
And we learned how peace works. It comes through chocolate covered almonds on Pesach. It is through chocolate covered almonds that we may recognize H'. And not through people singing in our shul. Not having to do the Musaf prayers with Shlomi and our Chazin brings recognition of H'.

The rabbi said he wasn't going to talk about the Third Temple, as he doesn't want any of our heretic members to tape him. To quote, "I don't want to end up on Tucker Carlson for loving H.'"

I’m just happy the Minkowitzs never invite me. I don't need to be invited to not eat. I'm a bad enough cook as it is. I don't have to go out to eat nothing.
The rabbi is right. If we had a good dinner, there’d be peace. If somebody made a decent couscous.

Now we know why you're supposed to lose all of your money on Pesach to food. It brings Shalom.
I am going broke just on the Matzah. Ever since our rabbi said we had to get the Shmura Matzah, I can’t eat anything on Pesach, other than Matzah. It turns out I don’t eat Gibruktz because I don’t have the money to make Matzah balls. After the Shmura Matzah purchase, I couldn't get eggs. Gibruktz is adding liquid to Matzah. I can’t afford the water bill.
I’m not looking forward to Seder night. People are always talking about how good the Matzah is. And it is, because people talk so much at the Seder, we’re starving by the time we eat it. I’m just thinking, about the Mitzvah of Matzah and how it bankrupt my bank account.
Matzah is known as a poor man's bread and I am extremely poor right now.

It seems like we have congregants that want Americans and Israelis to die. They want Sharia law for Jews. They feel that as Jews it's more important to keep Ramadan than Shabbat. I'm of the feeling that if they were worried about being hung for not following their Jewish laws, they would all keep Kosher.
They are offended if you say you’re Jewish. We have members of our shul that apologize for being Jewish. I was told, "Shabbat Shalom. I'm sorry for saying that."
I can’t even go to the grocery store without getting blamed for my Jewishness. It's like a sin. "What did you do? You're Jewish." I have to stop walking around with my half foot diameter Jewish star necklace.

"You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you." That hurt.
Shlomi was loud. It's true. I said "Amen" to him. Not to the Chazin. I even told the Chazin he was interrupting. I genuinely thought Shlomi was leading.
He said it was harmony, but he was louder than the Chazin. I think the rabbi was right. When you can't hear the melody, at that point, you're melodizing.