Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYeshev and Chanukah

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The community lighting program will take place in the park. Chabad is taking more chances this year with the fire safety laws. They decided that the rabbi carrying torches on scaffoldings is not dangerous enough. They want trees around.
 
Marty will be drunk at the community Chanukah party. Thought it would be good to announce that. This year he will be drunk too.
There will be a bouncy house. It’s a Jewish holiday. Tradition is very important. There will be a bouncy house and drunk Marty.
 
No more family pictures are allowed to be shared by our membership. This is a Psak from our rabbi. You all look bad. When your families get together and smile, it’s a horrific experience for everybody. To add, nobody wants to see your family smiling. Nobody wants to see your family happy. The rabbi has forbidden the posting of you and your family having a good time on social media. This holiday, keep your pictures to yourself. Nobody wants to see that you were down in Florida. And nobody wants to see you in sweaters.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: At What Point Is It Pirsumei Nisah- The Yearly Growth of the Community Chanukah Menorah. The Mitzvah to Get Drunk on Purim and How Marty Thinks Every Holiday Is Purim. The Mitzvah of a Bouncy House at Every Shul Event. How to Get Other People Mad- The Art of Sharing Pictures of Your Family on Vacation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Happy Chanukah. Bert went down to Florida last week. B"H. It is a Happy Chanukah to all...
(Bereishit 38:7) Yehuda's children get killed for spilling seed... It’s rude to drop sunflower seeds in Israel...

We’re talking about vacation and sexual promiscuity. Not following the proper way of intimacy. And people like Tamar remind you. It will catch up to you... Women can be evil. Just like Larry. He went on vacation. Met a woman. Got married. And now he has a family. Vacation will mess you up.
Bad things happen on the road and they stick...
(Bereishit 38:25) As Tamar is being brought to be burned, she sends word to her father-in-law, Yehuda, “I am pregnant by the man to whom these belong.” Now. All the sudden. Nobody has a signet ring. In all of Israel, not one signet. Amazing how everybody is quiet about the signet when there's a child.
And she adds, “Whose signet-ring, cloak, and staff are these? Please acknowledge that you are the father.”
Catch this. It was Yehuda’s ring and cloak. And like a kind man, he decides that they don't have to burn her... Women will remember stuff. That is the lesson...

Acknowledging you are the father is a hard thing in this shul. We all see little Yanky. An embarrassment. I get it. None of you want to acknowledge these are your kids. They’re messed up.
(Bereishit 38:26) Yehuda says it is his. And the twins that come out don’t die so quickly by Gd, like his first ones...
No apology. They didn’t say “I’m sorry” back then. They gave cloaks.
The lesson from Yehuda is to be honest. And never give up your signet-ring, cloak or staff...

Your bad catches up with you. And that is why you shouldn’t have fun on vacation... On vacation, you should be learning Torah.
You go to Disney World. That’s how you celebrate Chanukah. Now you're paying two-hundred dollars for a picture with Minnie Mouse... I am trying to say, as you go on your vacation, do not enjoy it.
I came out here. I thought the job interview was a bit of a vacation. Now. I’m stuck... You pay for your vacations.

You get caught when you take things for granted. Yehuda's kids took their progeny for granted, as did Yehuda.
When you take your responsibilities for granted and don't take ownership of them, that is when you are cursed. When you don't fess. I have not seen any fessing around here... You need to fess more...

Chabad takes responsibility for lighting huge Chanukah Menorahs...
It’s fine to light with a candle, unless if you’re Chabad. It’s Chabad tradition to use torches and bonfires in the Chanukiah. They have more faith than you...
I know lighting Chanukiahs around trees is dangerous. But Chabad is spreading the light of our people. And for that the Chabad rabbi take chances. They take chances for what they believe in. Something Yehuda didn't do. And he was brought to justice for it... I know he’s not a builder, but he was up in a scaffolding lighting last Chanukah...
The Menorah is now up to forty feet tall. It grows around a foot every year...
Of course we can find the Menorah. It's huge. We know that belongs to the community... Don't give anybody your Chanukah Menorah, or they will claim it is your child.

Being drunk is where it starts. You’re drunk. You make a mistake... Dumb decisions. Like our sisterhood serving potato waffles... It's pancakes, Sharon. Latkes are potato pancakes. What happened to tradition in this place?!... I need to be honest, so we can have some morality and a future of good children. Like Peretz and Zerach... Not kids in our shul. Yehuda and Tamar's kids. Has anyone in our shul named their child Peretz or Zerach?... Exactly. That's why things are messed up here, and nobody takes responsibility. And the kids don't clean up after themselves...
Well. That's the party. That’s the shul Chanukah activity. Marty being drunk... Marty being drunk is shul tradition.
There will also be prizes for the kids... OK. Call it Chanukah gifts. I don’t call the Chinese finger lock thing a gift. It’s a prize... You give somebody a finger cuff thing and a fake nail through the finger, or a kazoo as a gift, and they will not want to be Jewish. They will convert to another religion for the holiday. One that gives better gifts... Of course there will be a bouncy house. It’s a holiday. We have tradition here... We cannot keep Marty out of the bouncy house...

Then you share your vacation pictures. And people hate you... Vacations are an issue. You see what happened to Yehuda... Did he share pictures of his signet ring?!... There would've been more problems for Yehuda if he shared signet pictures.
No family pictures anymore... You all look off. People see pictures of your families smiling and... Nobody wants to see your family happy, Chani... If you’re always so happy, why is it that you’re always screaming at each other at shul...
You bother people with your vacation pictures.
Take responsibility for being decent to others, and not posting your family smiling in the "Schwartz" T-shirts...
Marty in the bouncy house is a mistake. And taking a picture of it ruined our shul's reputation. It's the signet ring our shul doesn't need. But we have to take responsibility for our members...

Bracha happens when we take responsibility. Raise our kids right. Which is why there is no Bracha on the board.
We have to take care of the next generation... Not with bouncy houses or drunk Marty. Not with annoying pictures... A nice Chanukah candle lighting in the house is a good way to do this.
See the importance in your progeny. Take pride in your work. And get them off the Bima for crying out loud. I'm giving a speech. Whose one is this one?... Pick her up and take her out... Yes. Not having your four-year-old in the sermon is the proper thing to do. And no pictures... I don't know if you take Shabbis pictures. A bunch of heretics here...
Acknowledge your mistakes. Take responsibility for Yanky... It is then that we can have redemption. That people can be saved from evil.
Once you are honest. Acknowledge how you've wronged your rabbi...

If you don’t, the women will remember what you did. They’ll remind you.

Point is be careful on vacation. You might have kids. And you might have to acknowledge they’re yours... You can’t run away from them at Disney World. They have cameras...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got out a lot about his wife in the Drasha. Yet, he then thanked her for making him accountable. And as he was accountable, they went on a vacation together for Chanukah. Got out of town. Took his family to Disney World. Took pictures. He said she made him.

I have never seen somebody so happy to not see Bert.

After the sermon, the rabbi had to explain to everybody that learning Torah is fun. To quote the rabbi, "I was just saying you guys don't find it fun... Then have your face show it. Maybe smile every once in a while."

There was something in there about baby fathers and Yehuda living in a low-income community.

The rabbi tried bringing the idea of vacation into shul, so people would be happy. He called it "Shacharit Vacation." You come to shul on Shabbis morning as a vacation from your regular life. It turns out there is no sun in the shul in December. And it turns out, nobody posts social media of themselves at shul. Why? Because their families don't smile at shul.

The rabbi made us have a second Chanukah party on Sunday to redo the depressed shul feeling. It was really just a meet up for a shul portrait with some Latkes. Everybody had to line up at the Chanukah party, standing sideways and smile. It was not easy. Our congregants are not good at standing sideways. We're the only Jewish people in the world that take Simcha pictures standing straight. Looking straight at the camera.
You could see how awkward it was. The board made an executive decision to not post the picture. To quote, "I have never seen such unhappy people."

For the next shul party they've decided to bring in a beach. After researching the social posts of our membership, they said the bouncy house is fun, but the beach seems to bring our congregants smiles.
They're going to have the bouncy house on the beach next time. They just haven't thought it through yet. Always need a bouncy house. It’s part of Jewish tradition for every holiday in our shul. Latkes and a bouncy house. Purim is Hamentashen and a bouncy house. Sukkot, the Sukkah is a bouncy house.

The shul Chanukah party is not a place I would take the family. Forget about Marty being drunk. The gifts are so bad. I got a bathroom spray and shampoo. It's not gifts. It's prizes. I think the flyer should say that. Like the rabbi said, "Prizes... and your children won't want to convert." If it was prizes, I would've enjoyed it. Gifts are a gesture I have to repay. Something somebody put thought into. If they put thought into a nail through the finger, I am not happy. I get a nail through the finger prize, I'm good. It's like a trophy. A very cheap trophy.

I’m always worried about our community Chabad rabbi when he lights and takes chances at such extreme heights. Four years ago, he lit on a tightrope. Walked on a tightrope to the Chanukiah, holding a torch. It was definitely a community miracle, as our Chabad rabbi is now eighty-five years old and uses a walker.

So, the rabbi Asured vacation. He said his trip to Florida is not a vacation, but a necessary tour. He even called it a "furlough." He views his job as a military operation. His assignment is to stay away from congregants.
Nobody can stand the happy family pictures. It’s the worst part of the holiday. “Look at them. On vacation. No wonder we didn’t see them in shul."
We are now teaching our children to keep their pictures to themselves. They are attacking each other. But at least they're not sharing their pictures on Instagram.