Sermons of Rebuke V: VaEra

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask our congregants to calm down with their Shtenders. We cannot have everybody bringing their own Shtenders. The uniformed look of our shul has brought down the value of our sanctuary. We don’t feel it has helped with the renovation process.
 
Stuff is happening this week. There is weekday Davening. Then there will be Shabbis. And Shalishudis. There will be Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Probably weddings. And Classes Happen. You should show up.
 
The rabbi is now allowing people to post Simcha pictures, as annoying as your family looks. Rule: All pictures must have club style pull up signs.
The rabbi does want everybody to know that your social media pictures are still annoying.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How a Shul Can Waste Millions on Renovations and Still Have Every Congregant Show They Disagree with What They Agreed On- A Shtender Protest and A Halachik Look into Community Decisions. Our Shul’s Announcements and How to Make Announcements Like Our Board Who Gives No Details- Vagueness and Why Nobody Shows Up When They Don't Know What Is Happening. Follow-up Class- Dealing with Idiots. How Congregants Can Be More Annoying When You See Their Pictures on Instagram.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When your snake staff gets eaten by somebody else’s snake staff, you listen. That's a life truth. A credo...
Paroh was stubborn like the people of our shul who think it’s important to post their family vacation pics. Being happier than everybody else’s families... Nobody cares about the Simchovitz family Florida trip...
(Shemot 7:22) Paroh sees that his necromancers do their thing and also turn water to blood, like Aharon just did. “And Paroh’s heart is made strong and he does not listen to them...” "Them" is Moshe and Ahron. It was not Yanky and Rachel. If Paroh had to listen to our board, Paroh would’ve let our congregants leave. He would’ve thanked H’ for getting rid of our members.

When we think we can do stuff, we choose not to see H’. Yes. Many of us can ruin water. I have been to many of our congregants for Shabbat dinner. You can ruin that too... Very bad Kugels.

See Gd. That's the message. See Gd and you won't mess up everything in our shul... Nobody wants to see the Simchovitz family vacation in swimsuits. Even necromancers couldn’t create something that horrific. If there was blood in the water at the Bahamas. If we were just so lucky that you couldn’t go into the water on your vacation...
That’s what he saw. You see what you want to see. This is why Sadie loves this shul. She can’t see the bad. That’s her shortcoming... How his sorcerers change the water to blood when the water was already changed to blood, I don’t know. That’s what he saw. That’s what he chose to see.
I choose to not see the Simchovitz family vacation picture. And that helps me see Gd better.

We have to choose to see that we can't do sometimes. That H' is doing... Because when you think you can do stuff, we end up with members. Committees. Bernie and Fran.
See stuff for what it is. See H’ in what is. And see how our congregants mess it up.

Let’s see the Shtenders. This is the most ununiform congregation. Like Ramot Polin. The ugliest thing I've ever seen... Because I see the Shtenders.
Chairs are in their spots, like the renovations called for. But now we have Shtenders everywhere. Different Shtenders. They would’ve never done this in the Temple... Shtenders are great for a Beit Midrash. We’re talking about a shul where people can’t read Rashi.
Now with your Shtenders, shul capacity is down from 200 to 80 people... In the Third Beit Hamikdash they will not allow Shtenders... The Kotel is different. You can have Shtenders at an open shul... If you would've had stackable plastic chairs in the sanctuary plans, like the Kotel, Shtenders would make sense... Keter chairs do not cost five hundred dollars apiece.
The construction team didn't take into account Yankel's Shtender with the wood and the metal piece. They didn't take into account all of your Bar Mitzvah gifts, Yankel... Why didn't you bring it up at the meeting. "We need a bunch of chairs that cost five hundred dollars each, and Shtenders that come with the chairs for an extra two hundred dollars. And then I'm going to bring my own Shtender..."
Shmuli Pinchas didn't bring up his six-foot tall Shtender either... You're the only person who looks up at his Shtender... Nobody can see the Aron over your Shtender. Because of your Shtender, you can't see Gd in this shul...

Show up to what? There are no specifics and no times. We saw nothing in the announcements other than "stuff is happening."
We want to thank our office for being very not specific with the announcements... I don’t know when Minyin is either. The board is fine with just putting it out there that there’s Minyin... The announcements say "Minyin. They will happen at some point. Probably at another shul."
We all see it. We don't need a committee meeting. We need normal announcements that tell you things. Announcements need to tell you where stuff is... When is also important. Very good Chaim...

H' doesn't want to see your family pictures. It's like a plague of not happy families... There is no way that teenage girl of yours was happy. She smiled because... That was not a smile. There is no way she was smiling. It was a smile but not a smile...
Your family celebrating brings no Simcha to anybody. You look like a bunch of losers. But if you want to post your sideways standing pictures, we will allow it... Your family is heavy. The forty-five-degree angle didn’t help. Nor did the buttoning of the suit jackets. They were portly jackets. Your jackets were fat...
Retractable banners make it clear that it’s a Simcha. When we see “Chani and Moishie’s Birthday Bash” we know it’s Asur. Birthdays are not Simchas. Nobody cares about Chani getting older... We have to see things that are godly. Weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, Bar Mitzvahs, Brises, kids leaving for college... We as a community celebrate that.
I’m allowing it only if its Simchas. But your pictures on social media are annoying...

You choose to see or not to see. I choose to not see the back left of the shul. Can't stand them...

(Shemot 7:22) Paroh didn’t listen to Moshe and Aharon “as H’ had spoken.” When you don't see H's work, you don't listen to His word. Everybody in the back left, listen to me... H’ knows the ways of the evil. The "it's my Shtender generation."
Might have Shtenders. That's a good creation. But it's not H's way. H's way is sharing. Do you share your Shtender, or is it yours. Is it all about your power?!

And Paroh’s heart is made strong. A strong heart is good when you’re a congregant who doesn’t do stupid stuff. A strong heart is good when you need to run a marathon. A strong heart is good for pumping blood...
Paroh had a stubborn heart. That was his strong heart. It was hardened. Evil. Like the heart of the Shtender mob... That is evil. Like the board.
The hardened heart causes one to not to listen to the sermon. To the words of your rabbi... Don’t let your Bar Mitzvah harden your heart. Even if the pictures are messed up. Find that smile. That godly smile.
See H' and show up to Minyin. Whenever that is. No one would know because the board doesn't have the heart to allow us to see the times...

If your hearts weren't hardened by the board, you would have not wasted money on chairs. You would've went with Keter plastic chairs. And nobody would've posted the Simchovitz family pictures online. Forcing us to see that...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi and Simchovitz family got in a debate about what is actually smiling. The rabbi contends that if you smile because your parents make you, it's not a smile. "You have to smile from within." The Simchovitzs contend that you can't see a smile from within, "as the mouth is on the face, on the outside." I contend, I don't need to see the Simchovitzs smiling in their bathing suits.
The whole Kiddish, the members were discussing the philosophy of smiling. And not one of them smiled. It turns out that our congregants only smile for pictures. It's a quick reflex. They hear "cheese," they smile by accident, realize they smiled, and then stop.
I feel like families smiling and posting it is a way to rub their vacations in your face. Their Yeshiva week trips. It's also a chance for annoying people, that think the Simchovitzs have money, to tell them they all look "so good." I don't see it. H' doesn't see it. H' sees the smile within, and how annoying teenagers are, and how the Simchovitzs have to join a gym.

The rabbi truly defined the people with the "it's my Shtender generation." Perfectly defines our children. Especially when they get back from Israel. Selfish.

Shmuli Pinchas' Shtender is taller than the Bima. It's messed up. He's got this Shtender ego. Carries it around with that Shtender pride. Parading the gold writing on brown and navy-blue book covers.
The Shtenders look awful. Everybody brings in their own style of Shtender.
We got standing ones. We got the ones that open up from flat to a simple angle. We have the robotic Shtenders with five positions, so people never have to bend.
So, they spent two million on the shul renovations, and everybody decided to bring in their own lawn chairs. That’s what it looks like.

Announcements never announce Shabbat times. This is why nobody shows up for Minyin when it starts. They never tell us when Rosh Chodesh is. Which isn't the worst thing. You save on Hallel and Musaf. That cuts twenty minutes off Davening. They never announce holiday times. Or even weekday Zmanim.
The announcements focus on Sadie’s new hat she bought last week.
We don’t even know who’s getting married. Or if there is a Bar Mitzvah. I forgot to wish the Kallah a Mazel Tov last week. Had no idea she got married. I thank them for not announcing it. I saved on that gift. The problem with pregnancies is it's hard to avoid not knowing.
The real problem is, our idiot members don't get Jewish calendars. The funeral home doesn't feel our membership is wealthy enough to waste their time on, by giving us calendars to mark our planned deaths in. I think that's why they give the calendars, so you can think about what day you want to die.
I hate to say it, we need a calendar committee.

The rabbi said no pictures last week. But now he allowed Simcha pictures back into the community.
Social media pictures are still annoying. So, you can only gloat and put your Simcha pictures on Instagram or Facebook. You can put them on LinkedIn as well, but you'll probably lose your job for looking like a fool.  
The rabbi came up with Simcha stipulations for pictures. And this is what the picture committee came up with. Basic rule is that if the whole family is turned sideways, it’s a legitimate Simcha picture and can be taken.
Everybody in our shul has been standing sideways now. Some even walk sideways, just in case somebody gets a good inaction shot. It’s a loophole for Mutar social media posting.
Now, some are carrying pull up retractable banners. They have pull ups with Caribbean background scenes now. Wherever they go, they have a Caribbean background. They took a picture in the mall, in front of the Apple store, with the Caribbean in the background. They were at the waterpark. Pulled out the banner. Edwin's first baseball game, they pulled out the Caribbean pull up. 
The sideways standing truly doesn't work. They all look heavier with that side shot of the heavy. And then the suits make it look worse. Portly just makes everybody look fatter. I left that out. The other stipulation is you need to be wearing a suit or an evening gown. That suit made Edwin's first baseball game, at six years old, a bit awkward.

They are now known as the Simchovitz pictures. An episode our congregation does not want to remember. The rabbi is right. Those vacation pictures are evil. They're a plague. A plague of horror to those who see it.

People didn't show to the classes this week. The topics were way too long. The congregants didn't know if those were the names of the class or if the rabbi was making a statement of anger. They also didn't know when the classes were. The announcements didn't say.