Sermons of Rebuke V: Shoftim

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
​We commend our clapper. We want more people in the shul taking after Ruchel Tova and expressing themselves. Even if it is not to a beat and it throws off the congregation. We support the Carlebach inspired clapping, even if nobody in our shul is singing.

The board has decided it’s too dangerous for our older members to dance. So, we shall not have a Carlebach Minyin. It might cause them happiness and that will lead to a heart attack. Our membership is not used to smiling.

Support Israel. Visit. The rabbi has proclaimed that walking for Israel does not have the same effect as walking in Israel. Though, there is a nice breeze in Topeka.

Kids are back at school. And they are back at shul. H’ Yishmor.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Support Israel by Never Visiting- Israel Thriving Without the Members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Carlbeach Minyin and How to Get in Shape for the Necessary Jump Dance and Walk Around the Bima. How to Walk in Jerusalem to Get in Shape and to Not Have to See You in Our Shul. Additional Prayers for Dealing with Your Kids.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Leviim do get something from the sacrifices... Because they have to deal with you. They deserve something with you and your questions. “Why do you slaughter with your left hand? Why not use a steak knife?” They should get more sanctified animals for having to deal with you... Why are you so against religious leaders not starving?!… I can use more money.
 
(Devarim 18:13) “Be Tamim with Gd your Gd...” Well. Gd is your Gd... “H’ is your Gd.” Is that better?... Well H’ is Gd, so He is your Gd. That’s Gd. Gd. Do we understand Gd now, with all your questions about Gd’s phrasing... Tamim means pure... Not Tahor pure. But complete, sincere. Like a wholehearted pure individual that you can trust. Not like Cindy. Very fake. Not like Baruch either. We have very insincere congregants… If you paid your dues and didn’t talk about how you're going to pay your dues, maybe there would be sincerity. I’m just going to talk in Hebrew from now on, so I don’t have to explain anything... Exactly. Because you won’t understand it...
Rashi teaches this means to go with Gd in Temimut... It’s better you don’t understand, as that is simple purity. That’s how you should go with Gd. Not understanding a thing. Like when you’re Davening in shul. “Rather than investigating the future. Instead, whatever happens to you, accept with Temimut, and then you will be with Him and be His portion.”
You worrying about the renovations does not make Gd like you.
The point is to not ask questions. “Where do we put the ark?”… Well, thanks to that question, the Aron is on the west side of the shul. So, we have to turn sideways like idiots to bow east… Because you ask questions instead of just doing the right thing. Be Tamim with Gd. 
The shul has no portion right now because the board made a dumb decision. And then they investigated it. And even after meeting with the architect they did it. And now we're broke... Broke because idiots investigated. Had meetings. And why did you decide to do it wrong?!!! What part of the research told you, "The wrong way is the best way?!"
What good has ever come from you thinking about something? What good has ever come from your “creative approach” to synagogue living?…

You can’t be in a relationship if you’re constantly investigating. You saw what happened with the Himelstein family. It killed that marriage… If there was no investigating, nobody would’ve known he was cheating.
Investigations kill relationships. You need trust. You need to trust in H’… Yes. That’s Gd. Your Gd. I can’t explain this anymore. I can't explain death. Asking me about death when you don't even purchase plaques... You discuss buying plaques with your family. It doesn't happen. Because it's not Tamim... I’m done. And I don’t trust you… I don’t trust the board. Which is why I didn’t marry any of our membership.
Don’t cheat on Gd.
Point is your questions kill Judaism for me... Just Daven. Stop asking me why we pray. Just do it. Stop asking me what the prayers mean. The more you know the meaning of the Tefillahs, the longer Davening takes. And nobody wants to be with Gd, waiting for you to finish the Amidah...
 
Be simple. Be pure with Gd. 
Thinking about the future??? The Siddur Emergency Fund for Siddurs that go bad. What's bad is the way you guy's Daven with no excitement. No simple enjoyment of praying to Gd. No clapping. Just clap and be with Gd… We need to have more tuna and peas and carrots cans. That’s what Gd wants if there’s an emergency. The point is you think too much. When our membership thinks too much, bad things happen, like committees…
You worry about everything. How about you just do good and worry about Levites eating a decent sacrifice...
Just be simple. A simple man... Lynyrd Skynyrd’s mom knew what she was talking about. Be present in your service of Gd. Present and offbeat...

Why is Ruche clapping now? It’s the sermon. I am speaking. What tune are you clapping to?... Extremely offbeat. Beautiful in your Tamim expression of love, but offbeat. At least Ruchel Tova is excited...
Ruchel is simple. She's in the moment. She hears a song, and she claps. I commend your excitement, Ruchel... So offbeat. Now isn't the time to clap. This is not being in the moment. This is after the moment for us. In her mind she's in the moment. She is serving H’ Tamim...
Let's try to be Tamim at the right time, Ruchel... Because it’s off. The energy is off. Carlebach didn't have people clapping during his sermons and jumping up and down to a NayNayNay when he was talking. And I understand the harmony in our shul is off as well… They’re only three seconds off the melody. You’re fifteen minutes off…

There’s a point where self-expression throws off the Chazin. He jumped to Anim Zemiort... That’s where he thought your clapping was. It was that offbeat.
We are not a Carlebach service. Have you ever seen anybody in this shul smile?!
Do not try to get us to dance. We shall not dance... We are not in Carlbeach Minyin shape. You have to be in jump dance condition. Our congregants have heart conditions.
Ruchel Tova is living with H’. Not like Bayla and Nachum, sitting in the back of the shul working security… Most messed up security team. What committee meeting led to ninety-year-olds being the ones to chase away terrorists?! 
Ruchel is definitely not thinking. And that is why you’re our best congregant... The rest of you judging. Not with H’. Not going Tamim with Gd. Making dumb renovation decisions. Dumb security decisions. Dumb education decisions… When you make decisions, they’re dumb…
 
You trying to understand. Stop. Do. Be in the moment
Everything you do is in support of Israel. It helps just as much as your harmonizing to “Etz Chayim Hi”… Your shopping at the Topeka Center Mall doesn’t help Israel. Stop lying. You went out to dinner last night for yourself. Eating a hamburger “in support of Israel” somehow doesn’t help the food shortage in Haifa.
You didn’t even say Birkat Hamazon…
How do you support Israel? You visit... Not Florida. I know Israelis live there.
All you do is think. You over-think. You thinking is over-thinking. Because you have dumb thoughts… I’m saying you program too much. Just do a trip. Stop planning it. Go to Israel. Stam. It’s an easy decision. Just be there… The last shul trip that went. That was twelve years ago. Would have been a great trip if you didn’t ruin every day with programs. If you just let people do what they wanted… They wanted to not show up to programs. They wanted to walk around, shop, support Israel… Exactly. We haven’t had a trop since then, because you all organized trips every year. If you just didn’t organize the trips, if you didn’t prepare for Israel, we would’ve went…
Your money support isn’t enough. I’ve seen your donations. This is why we’re worried about not being able to afford Siddurs...
 
Kids are back. We’re going to say Tehillim so that we can deal with them…
Your creative approach to childhood education is how we end up with your children. And Sarah Malka gouging out eyes in the middle of Ashrei… I understand the chant bothers her… It’s a chant. A chant tune. If you want it to be a tune, that’s fine. But it’s a chant... We could have a funkier Ashrei tune. A funkier chant, if that exists. But then Ruchel Tova would be clapping even more. How she claps for the Ashrei chant now…
Be Tamim and your kids will end up normal. They end up loving Gd… I get it. In our shul loving Gd is not normal.
 
The point, deal in the now. Show respect for people in the now. Support Israel now… Fly there. Support by being there. Donate yourself not talking. That would help our people. Bernie not talking…
Thinking about it?! Investigating it?! You're not with Israel. You’re not doing. Just be Tamim with it. If you think about Israel and the EL AL price gouging, you won’t go… Sarah Malka at least does stuff. She’s committed to her eye gouging.
Somebody thought about it, privatized, and realized you can make good money off antisemitic airlines… I don’t know who hates Gd more. All the airlines not flying into Israel, or quadrupling the cost for me to visit my sister. They all thought about it…
Cindy and Baruch are always trying to get something. Not Tamim. They don’t even look at you. They’re thinking what they’re going to get out of the conversation. That’s not a holy relationship. A holy relationship is where you clap for no reason. Ruchel is still clapping…

(Devarim 18:9) “Don’t learn the abominations of the other nations to act like them.” Because that’s not being Tamim with H’. You don’t learn. What Torah have you learned… If you showed up to one of my classes, Mark. If you were Tamim… Going to the Baha'i revival class…
That’s not supporting Israel. You don’t pass your kids through fire to support Israel... You really have to stop saying you support Israel. Your going for a Shpatzir in Topeka is not supporting our Home Land.
 
You cheat on Gd by not being in the moment with H’. By not supplying the Levites with food. By learning about the forms of idol worship and splatter painting. You cheat on Gd when you listen to the dumb ideas our board brings up. When you have meetings, you end up with the youth that is screaming in the halls right now, missing an eye. When you show up to committee meetings and talk about renovations, you're not with Gd… Because at Gd’s committee meeting, He didn’t say to put the Aron in the wrong place…

And it’s because of your dumb questions. It’s because you talk. If you didn’t talk, I would be able to serve H’ Tamim…
 
You’re the only people who I think it’s maybe better you don’t visit. Israel. Just this shul. Now that I thought about it and investigated our congregants, it’s more supportive of Israel for you not to be there…

Rivka's Rundown
At least the rabbi was clear. Don’t be like Cindy or Baruch.

They thought about it, investigated the best option, and decided to put the Aron in the wrong spot. 
The congregants thought about the rabbi’s sermon, and they forgot what he said.
 
Don’t cheat on Gd was such a profound statement. 
This sermon broke up the Himelstein family. His wife had no idea, until the rabbi told everybody. But it was a beautiful lesson.
Himelstein tried keeping his marriage intact by telling his wife he never cheated on Gd.
 
Ruchel being in the moment is Ruchel being in the moment later. She’s more offbeat than the harmony coming out of the men’s section.
She clapped mid-sermon. Might’ve been her Hodu prayer song clap. Might have been a song that was going through here head yesterday. The inspiration just finally hit her. Middle of the rabbi’s speech.
She’s very inspired. She went to a Carlebach Minyin once. Been clapping ever since.
At work, they’ve kicked her out of the cubicles. Her co-staff at the call center said the customers were wondering what the applause was for. Her boss said she was clapping to Ashrei.
Now Ruchel wants people to dance. The rabbi told the ninety year old security in the back of the shul to kick her out if she dances in the middle of his sermon.
 
The rabbi is just mad he has to spend so much on flights now. That’s what inspired his anger today. He hates that new owner of EL AL.
The rabbi went off on the Israel programs in the community doing nothing for Israel. To quote, “Eating falafel balls from Costco has not helped the Sderot community. It did not boost the economy in northern Israel. And somehow, it didn’t stop missiles from the Houthis.”
The rabbi’s point was that being in Israel is how you help Israel. “Saying, ‘This is in support of Israel’ does not support Israel. Even if the hamburger at Deli Kasba Kosher Grill was amazing.”
 
The rabbi is very against Rachmanis. Israel doesn’t need sympathy. It needs our community suiting up and going to war. And it doesn’t seem like Ethel and Bernie are going to do that.
The membership hasn’t gone to Israel in years. But somehow, they support it. They “think” about it when they’re at TJ Max. To quote Nachum, “My thinking of Israel is Israel advocacy for my mind. It’s Hasbara.”

I’m happy the rabbi is calling out this fake support of Israel.
The local Israel fundraiser day pulled in three million dollars less due to the rabbi’s speech.

Some members even flew to Israel to show support. But they didn’t go out to eat or spend any money. The EL AL flight was too expensive. They flew to Israel and had no money to support it.
We’re still trying to figure out what we should do as a community. The rabbi’s class sold us on not going to Israel to show support for Israel, because we make really dumb decisions with shul renovations.
 
They actually said Tehillim to help the community deal with the kids back at home. Stopped saying Tehillim for Israel. But they said the Psalms for camps to last through the school year, so we don’t have to see the kids.
Mark made a Mishebeyrach for his kids to get out of the house. “And they should all have a long life away from me.”