Sermons of Rebuke V: Shelach

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Women’s salsa dance classes will now be taking place in the shul every Wednesday. Men are not allowed, so salsa permissible.

We commend the old people for coming to shul, even though they have arthritis. The pain you deal with is unimaginable, as we hear you groaning in shul. To quote the rabbi: “It’s not as painful as having you as congregants

We ask that the men are honest and let the Gabai know if they’re too weak to do Hagba.
The women of the shul want the guys to know that they look like a bunch of weak losers. And it looks worse when they can’t open more than three columns. The women have sent a list to the Gabai, letting them know which husbands can’t even bring in the groceries from the driveway. The wives say their husbands are too weak, due to too much use of recliners. It turns out no man in this shul has any strength, or they just make it a point to not help out around the house.

Contemporary Halacha Class: What Is Arthritis and Why Does Every Old Jew Have It. How Hagba Has Caused Many Heart Attacks Among Jews Who Have Watched Our Congregants Lift the Torah. Working Out Is Not Forbidden- How Being Out of Shape and Looking Like a Congregant is Not a Religious Duty. How to Not Help Your Wife Around the House with Mr. Schwartzman.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 14) They're told they are going to die in the desert... Sometimes honesty does not make you feel good. Knowing I have a contract at this shul for another three years does not make me feel good. Having to see Bernie every Shabbat does not make me feel good... Some people don’t like hearing they’re going to die...  Our ancestors wanted to live. They didn’t have congregants...

(Bamidbar 14:40-41) After shaming Gd with the spies fiasco, all the sudden they want to apologize and go to Israel, and Moshe says, “Why are you going against Gd’s word...” All of the sudden they accept Gd can help them. When they're going to die. As the saying goes, "There are no atheists in Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefeilah."
Just like Yitzie Chayim Moishie’s Hagba. Didn’t need help in the beginning, and then everybody had to run to help him...

When they hear they’re going to die, all the sudden, “We’ll listen to Gd now”... Well let’s talk about Timothy’s funeral... Okay. Then let's not talk about Timothy's funeral...

Moshe continues, “And it will not succeed.” It's too late. H' won't help now. The enemies will kill them without H’... Has anything in this shul succeeded?
Sometimes it’s too late. SOmetimes the punishment is there and you have to accept it. We haven’t even started the renovations and it’s too late... Too late to make it look good, because it’s not what H’ wanted... H’ wants an ark and people praying, Bernie. And I am having a hard time having to deal with you as a congregant...
It’s too late when you have a committee making decisions... Once the committee is formed. It’s too late. Gd is not there... Because committees make dumb decisions. They ruin everything beautiful about our religion. They get rid of Kichel at Kiddish... Well. Without Kichel, you've killed tradition. And without a floor in the shul...

You already ripped up the floor to the shul... It’s not helpful, because you can’t start the renovations yet. We are now Davening on a half a carpet... An old carpet is better than half a carpet. We need H's help to succeed, especially when our shul has committees... And I do worry about the Mechitzah Committee. H' is not on your side...

Rashi teaches “What you are going to do will not be successful.” If somebody would’ve just told the board that, maybe we would have a beautiful shul, and Bernie would stop talking. Maybe we wouldn't have a board. If somebody would’ve just told me there is no hope here... If we didn't have a board, we would have been redeemed...

When it’s too late and H’ doesn’t agree with you, don’t do dumb things, because it won’t work out... Then don’t go against the word of Gd. Who goes against Gd???!!! Why are you going against Gd?!!! Why did you get rid of the carpet and Kichel?! You're not the president of the shul...

It’s too late to do what’s right. Now we have Frum women dancing salsa... So now, if it’s a women’s event, it’s fine?! What happened to the "Hora" and "Mayim BSason"? It's Jewish dance class. When did salsa become Jewish???
Salsa??? Are we going to have merengue dance parties in the sanctuary now?... I was against the limbo. First Bar Mitzvah I saw that at, I kicked out the band...
Just because it’s in the women’s section does not make it Mutar. Just because it’s a women’s only event does not make it Jewish...

Do I have to hear you groaning in the middle of my sermon?... Your noise is painful. Just hearing you, I don't feel good... You are painful. Seeing you age hurts...
It’s painful because you’ve eaten like an animal till now. It’s too late for Felvel to be in shape. He has no hope... Yes you have to keep in shape. You just can’t do salsa... Because Jews don’t do salsa.
And now, all the sudden, you ask Gd for help with your arthritis.

And then to have to see you do Hagba. It’s pathetic. He can't help with that much patheticness... You needed the spot. Otherwise, the Torah would’ve fallen when you said “ouch. my back. My back is a goner...” You pulled your hand away from the Torah to clench your back. Pinchas caught the Torah. Saved us from all having to fast... Pinchas is a hero. A Calev...
Does the hand back there even work?! Does bringing your hand to the back stop the pain?!
Half the congregation is too weak to bring out the Torah, let alone Hagba. Pathetic... The Gabai never asks you because you look weak... I know you’ve been working out. You just look out of shape Yitz. No Yitzi has ever looked strong. Yitzi Chayim Moishie. I don't even think the ping pong team would've taken you...
Hagba has looked pathetic in this congregation. We got Shmuly going for eight columns... Looks great until you get all loose. It slacked and it was pathetic. You look strong and then “This guy is a loser. Somebody's got to pick up the parchment”...
Three columns is fine. You may look weak. But it doesn’t look as bad as when the whole shul has to jump to your aid... Why the Gabai is spotting you right away, right after he asked you to do Hagba is a smack in the face... It means he doesn’t trust you and wants you to look bad... It looks almost as bad as Galila. Probably even worse. At least Torah rolling takes some skill. A good tight Galila is respectable for weak people...
Without H’, it’s not successful. If you’re weak and without H’ you will die... The point is something bad will happen if you drop the Torah. Chas vShalom.

Nowhere in the Torah does Gd say he wants Jews to have their bellies hanging over their belts. Even if they do go out for choolante on Thursday night...

Work out for H’. Put in the effort. We are purchasing a weight room for the back of the shul... So you guys can work on your Hagba.
Accept that you have truly sinned and not prepared correctly. That you have listened to the Meraglim and are weak... The board. It’s all the same. If the board would’ve went to spy out the land, they would’ve come back with negative reports about the land and how it needs to be renovated... There will also be a dance studio. A weight room and a dance studio. That's how we'll connect with H'.

(Bamidbar 14:41) “For we have sinned.” All the sudden they say they've sinned. And our renovation committee still hasn't apologized for renovating my seat... You should apologize, because you haven't put on the other cushion. I'm sitting on concrete.
Or HaChaim teaches that their apology was not sufficient because it was not sincere. It was only because of regret that they’re not going to enter Israel.

When it’s too late, we know, it’s not sincere. Sincerity comes when you don’t make dumb committee decisions. When you don't have a Samantha Bracha Tova on the board...
Sincerity. Accept you messed up. Then you can succeed, accepting you’re a loser who doesn’t work out. Then you can succeed with a little three column pathetic Hagba. Accepting that Frum women don’t do salsa. At least you can be a good Jew. Not a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

It’s going against Gd’s word and it will not succeed. When it’s not sincere, it goes against Gd’s word. Like every one of you liars who told me this is a beautiful congregation... Well not anymore. After you finish renovations...

What will succeed? Not messing up everything to begin with. Not listening to Baruch Moishie and Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit... We have the fakest congregants... At least we can see the Botox. Your face is just not you. It's too late to apologize for that.
If you can sincerely see where you messed up on the renovations. The salsa. The Gabai who can't figure out a decent Hagba. Getting rid of Kichel...

Of course. Do Teshuva now. Sincere Teshuva. Timothy is dead... For this congregation it's too late. I don't think I could ever forgive you. It's only because you want me for another three years.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi realized real quick that it wasn’t a good idea to talk about Timothy’s funeral. Nobody showed up. Not even the rabbi. It was a sore subject, especially because people found out later that Timothy had a lot of money.
The rabbi blamed the length of this week's sermon on Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit's name.

I think the rabbi was saying that congregants make him want to shoot himself. He truly connected with Moshe, as he said, "If I was leading you in the desert, I would’ve happily not gone into Israel with you. And I would've hoped the board would've perished." He softened that by saying, "Only because you would've sinned to Gd."

I believe the point the rabbi was making is that Frum Jews don't do salsa. If they dance, they can't do Teshuva. That, and that Geula hasn't happened yet because the board put together a committee who stopped serving Kichel at Kiddish. Which Gd doesn't support. And that is the reason the renovations in the shul are messed up. I believe that summarizes the message of the sermon. Our rabbi is always practical.

They couldn’t afford the office staff and the trainer. So, they got rid of the executive director and now we have Svan running the shul finances. How every trainer is names Svan I do not know.

Everything is a program nowadays. Nothing is holy. If it brings Jews, it’s a Jewish thing for a shul. They had pizza making. How that’s Jewish. No idea. They then had a book club where they discussed Grapes of Wrath. Somehow that’s Jewish if Jews are discussing it. It turned out that what truly made Grapes of Wrath Jewish is that it was Jewish women discussing it.
Anything that is forbidden is fine if it's a women’s events. They even have women singing hip hop and Cardi B in the shul now. Ladies Karaoke Night is Jewish, because it's just women. As long as it’s a women’s event, it’s Jewish. Popcorn and Pickleball is another event the shul started hosting in the social hall. Men tried joining, but they were kicked out for being heretics. Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit said, "Men make it Asur. Pickleball is only permitted for women." Now the women are also having shul pool parties. The men are allowed to learn Torah. That's not forbidden for men.

Our rabbi truly did stop the limbo. First time he heard it at the Bar Mitzvah, he kicked out that band. Then, all the sudden the limbo became tradition, along with the chicken dance. Which I feel is Asur, because it makes fun of chickens.

They grunt all day. The old men reach for schnapps at Kiddish and grunt. You hear a loud “Oy. My back.” Their backs are always going. I think they drink the schnapps to forget the pain.
All you hear in shul is the old people complaining about their pain. It's a competition. Competitive arthritis. Everybody has arthritis. I have no idea exactly what arthritis is. I believe it's any pain an old person gets from being old.
The rabbi explained arthritis in his contemporary Halacha class. To quote, "Every old person has arthritis because they have you as their children." So, I am thinking it's an old person disease that they get for having kids.

I understand strength classes. Habgba just looks pathetic when these guys do it. You see them going full arm out and then it all slacks. You’ve got four guys jumping in to help get the parchment back in place. They have to put it back on the table to roll it. It's a painful ordeal, especially when you have five guy's whose backs all go at once.
We need to get in better shape here. They all talk about security and the need for safety. If anybody came to attack our shul, half the members wouldn't be able to raise their arms. That's probably why they're always interrupting the Drashas. They're too weak to raise their hands with a question.

Men have to be honest and say they’re weak. or they haven’t hit the gym.
With the gym and salsa classes, the JCC is going to go out of business. The JCC has Israeli dance classes. But women's salsa classes are more Jewish.