Sermons of Rebuke V: Pinchas

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
No Simcha Kiddish this week. It’s the Three Weeks. We understand how happy you are, living in America. Nonetheless, it was your lack of decent Kugel that destroyed the Temple.
 
From now on, congregants should not pass by people’s homes without knocking on the door and saying Hi. It’s offensive. Like you don’t want to see them. Like you are protesting, letting them know you don't want to see that family.

We want to commend the Berksteins on their family’s ability to look depressed and not happy. You are greatly spiritual in your depression.
 
The Tisha BAv program this year is the movie Happy Gilmore. As it is tradition to screen a movie on Tisha BAv, we shall continue that tradition.
We also want to thank the greater Topeka Jewish community for organizing the Jewish Film Festival during the Nine Days. If we didn't have some decent Jewish romcoms, we might have been a little down, due to the destruction of the Temples.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Be Happy By Joining Our Shul- Lessons in Spirituality and Hatred of Members. Mourning By Having to Deal with Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah- After the Nine Days Should the Rabbi Still Have to Deal With You. How to Knock on Doors and Bother People When They Don’t Want to See You- Board Advice. How to Keep Chipper During the Nine Days By Watching Movies about Family Trips. How Our Synagogue Turned the Berksteins to H'.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
I don’t know why nobody names their daughter Chaglah. Noa, Milkah and Tirzah. I’ve see those. Even Machlah gets a name. They'd rather name their daughter “Disease” than Chaglah...
(Bamidbar 27:6-7) H’ says to listen to the daughters of Tzalfchad and girls should receive land if they have no brothers... Brothers do kill everything. Look at Junior Congregation. The Plotnik kids... We listen to women when they complain. But not the sisterhood, whose only goal is to not have an enjoyable Kiddish...

But it’s more. (Bamidbar 27:8-11) There is a list of the tiers of who gets the land of inheritance, and it ends with the closest thing to family.... You're not considered the closest when you get them to sign over their bank account to you. Good question, and reason for loving your parents... And you don’t even show up to funerals. You can care less about previous generations. You just want to take.

We don’t just pass on the land to the next generation. (Bamidbar 27:15-17) Moshe is going to die. He asks H’ to ensure there will be a leader... Yehoshua. Sorry, I didn’t want to give away the story... Well. Yes. You should know that Yehoshua is the leader after Moshe... Then read the Torah in English. There is a whole book in Neviim about Yehoshua leading the Jews... Ruchele is a decent leader. I do not believe H' voted her in as president of the shul... Our shul is not divine. I did not say, "H'. We need a new president..."
Our congregants don't learn the tradition, and you have ruined every old house. Every decent home is now infested with this generation... Of course there is no foundation, you don't even put in new gutters. The water... Yes. The water of strife is killing your homes. Fighting over who the house belongs to... When there is no tradition, you fight and you get a house like the Finkelmans, all infested...

Moshe is thinking of his people. Not the money... It’s amazing how our previous generations thought about how they will pass on the tradition. Our peoplehood. How to ensure that at the least, their future generations will have a decent Kiddish.

We pass on tradition... Sometimes through land. You wanted your parents to go so you could inherit... I don't think the laws of Yerushah hold the same weight in Topeka.
Progeny is about understanding our past and what we come from.... You don’t just take the land. You remorse. You mourn for our loss as a people. You think about how we ended up with members like Bernie and... The Beit HaMikdash was a loss. And I don’t think it was because there were no Chaglahs...

This is why the one time of year of mourning, and you're all having a blast. I've never seen you guys so happy. The only time you want a Simcha Kiddish is now. The only time you celebrate is when the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed... “Our people are being massacred. Let’s celebrate now”...
Stop it Shmuli. You wouldn’t even sponsor Kiddish if we had it. Stop trying to look good now, Shmuli... All the sudden Shmuli is willing to throw a huge party for the whole shul, for Tisha BAv. You wouldn't even spend on a Kiddish. Not even Kichel... If Mashiach comes, you will find a way for him to cover the Kiddish...

Tradition is not to speak Lashon Hara... I know your parents and your parents' parents spoke Lashon Hara. Tradition is to get along. To be kind... Well. Then sometimes we're not supposed to follow tradition. Point is the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed because we didn't get along and you're all passing the Feldowitz home...
You're offending the Feldowitzs. You all walk past their house and they think everyone is mad at them... Well that's what it looks like... Then at least wave.
Do not knock on my door. The rabbi doesn’t want you knocking on his door. I am not offended when you don’t stop by my house. I am bothered when I have to see you...
So nobody wants anybody at their home?! I'm the rabbi. For me it's a job to have to deal with you. Very painful...
So nobody wants anybody in their home. Hachansat Orchim is off in this congregation. Walking past the Feldowitz house has killed the idea of having guests. It's the board's fault. Making that dumb announcement of stopping by the Feldowitz Mishpuchi, who doesn't even offer coffee.
Worst advice. Knocking on People's doors. This is what we deal with in board meetings. Dumb ideas. And then they turn into programs and people moving away, just to get away from our membership. Worried they'll have to see our members during the week...

Again. No brothers. No understanding of progeny and getting along. No understanding that Yerusha, inheritance, is something people want to keep for themselves...
The Berksteins are closer to H’ than you all. They are more devout.... Because they do not smile. They did not get any Yerusha... Looking down means you're closer to Gd...
They used to smile. And then they started coming to shul. They saw the kids at Junior Congregation and the Feldowitz family. They had Kiddish put together by our sisterhood...
Spirituality is when you are not happy. When you don't have parties during the Three Weeks. When you don't have movie-a-thons during the Nine Days.
If you were spiritual, you would also not look happy... One day to become more spiritual is to have more of our members pop over and knock on your door to say Hi...

It’s about respect. Doing things the right way. The way our ancestors did it. Delis. Not smokehouses... That is when we’re deserving of...
I understand we’ve shown movies every year on Tisha BAv, but Happy Gilmore... I know Adam Sandler is Jewish. And we can mourn intermarriage... But it's always been a screening of Schindler’s List. It’s not any movie you see on Netflix... The fact that you all walk out saying, "It was such a good movie."

You're loving the Three Weeks... It's between the bad times. That's what time it is. I know Shabbat with you all is not good times. The days between Shabbat in this community are between the bad times... Shabbat is great times, when you are with a sisterhood that makes a decent Kugel and people aren't all knocking on the rabbi's door... The Three Weeks is the national bad times. And our board would've destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. Our Jewish Community Committee would've also... It's the bad times, even with Happy Gilmore and a Simcha Kiddish...
Don't get me started on the film festival. What idiots. Organizing it during the Nine Days. Any excuse to not mourn. The greater Jewish community of Topeka now does Shivas as a program. One day. A Seven Minute Shiva...
All selfish. All about your own enjoyment.

Moshe wants to ensure the people don't enjoy too much... Because then you get kicked out of the land, Bernie. The reason I'm still here is I do not enjoy it.
Moshe appoints Yehoshua in front of the people... Because you people question everything. The board is still getting questions as to whether or not I was hired. I had to post the contract on the shul bulletin as proof...
(Bamidbar 27:23) “And he put his hands on him and commanded him, as H’ had spoken through Moshe”... H’ did command Moshe to put the hands on Yehoshua...
Yes. Moshe put his hands on Yehoshua. He didn’t smack Yehoshua. It wasn’t a fight in front of all the people. He leaned his hands on him. That is Smicha... It wasn't like Mr. Feldowitz, when he ran after Gershman to whack him for passing by his house...
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that hands on a head force one to lower their head. A student has to follow his rabbi, therefore the head is bent. It is the bending of the head that symbolizes following. Rabbis have to be subservient to their rebbes’ teachings. And I believe Rabbi Feinstein said this to everybody who got Smicha from him... Be subservient to Torah. Tradition... Moshe's last name was not Feinstein. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein did not lead us out of Mitzrayim. Moshe’s last name was Son of Amram... They didn't have last names back then. You had to describe, "Oh. The Moshe with the curly hair. The one that wears the pleated pants. Yeah. That one." “You mean Amram’s son.”

It is the passing of tradition. That's why you keep a home in the family... Portion. You keep the portion in the family... Not cake. A portion... And this is why it is so important that land remain with the families, even if girls asked.
Reading the Torah and knowing who Yehoshua is part of that. You should not get your parents' stuff without knowing who Yehoshua is...

Rivka's Rundown
You have to be an idiot to ask our rabbi what he meant when he said Yehoshua. Every sermon has the lesson. You have to follow Torah, and this shul is full of a bunch of fools.
And the Tzelafchad explanation. They should've never asked the rabbi to explain what the daughters of Tzelafchad wanted a portion of. The rabbi trying to explain that the portion wasn't a bigger serving of soup, added an extra twenty minutes to the sermon. It then took another thirteen minutes for people to agree on how to spell Tzelafchad. Which ended up on them deciding to spell it in Hebrew.

The women started complaining about the rabbi saying that we learn from the daughters of Tzelafchad that we listen to women when they complain. The rabbi was in a catch 22. He had no idea how to respond to that complaint.
I think the rabbi said that even Gd didn’t want to hear the girls going off. He gave in just to not have to hear them anymore.

The rabbi started giving Yerusha tests, to decide if people should receive their inheritance, due to connection to our past. People ended up finally learning Torah in our shul. All it took was inheritance. 
To note, we did a congregational study. It turns out that once people receive their inheritance, they stop coming to shul. This is why parents don't give the Yerusha to their children while they're alive.

Our congregants have the worst timing. The fact that they're planning a shotgun wedding for Michael and Sarah before Tisha BAv is crazy.
The rabbi is correct. It’s all the people who never sponsor Kiddish that are screaming about it not having the Simcha Kiddish now. Because they know it won't happen, they are saying they're willing to pay for it. It was the same when it came to paying for day school. Every one of our members was willing to pay full tuition to the Jewish elementary day school when their kids were in college. Somehow, the day school did not accept university students. To look good, some of these shnurers even complained that their kids were qualified, and would do well in the fifth grade.
Now everybody is praying for Mashiach, so that we will have a huge Kiddish they don't have to pay for. This is what our congregants have been pining for. Choolante that is covered by Gd's messenger eternally.

The rabbi maintains that if the sisterhood made a decent Kugel, the Beit Hamikdash would've been rebuilt.
What respect for progeny and tradition has to do with people walking through my house, I do not know. I would also rather see families walk by.

The Feldowitz home is in the wrong spot. They can see everybody passing. You can’t read into everybody walking by your home. Now, you can’t go for a Shpatzir without the Feldowitzs feeling slighted.
The truth is that everybody goes to the Hermans. They walk past the Feldowitzs to go to the Hermans. The Hermans give you coffee and Danish. People don't like the Feldowitzs. I don't even think they like the Hermans. But they do like a decent cheese Danish and coffee.
Now people walk an extra half mile to get to shul, so that Simi Feldowitz doesn’t get offended.
People ended up moving away because of the board’s ordinance of friendliness. It turns out most people don’t want stop bys. Other than the Feldowitzs, people appreciate seeing people pass their home. It turns out that people have anxiety attacks and worry that they might have to see other members during the week.
Petitions were signed. Now there is a list of people you can’t say Hi to. People you have to stay away from due to the threat of you waving at them when passing their homes.
There were restraining orders. People now don’t have Shabbis guests.

People have now started hiding when people passed their homes. Hiding when I'm passing your home is more offensive than not stopping in. Seeing them through the window, shutting the shade real fast because they see me. That hurts. I am going to propose the no shutting shades ordinance next board meeting.

The Berksteins don’t smile. They are truly devout. I see them with their eyes closed too. They squint a lot. Very devout people. They must walk like that.

The rabbi hates the greater Jewish community more than our shul. He said that to some of the people after services on Shabbis. Those were the kindest words the rabbi has ever said to our membership. It was touching. I think the exact words were, "I couldn't believe it. Topeka has greater heretics than you."
A Jewish Film Festival for when Jews aren't supposed to watch Films. The federation is saying, "That's makes it Jewish."
It was the timing of the film festival, during the Jewish mourning period, that triggered the rabbi. He stood outside and let everybody know how wrong it was. He even protested the Israeli movies. That just looked bad. The Hamas supporters started hugging the rabbi, thanking him for helping in their cause of BDS. The New York Times somehow got hold of this, and put our rabbi on their cover.