Sermons of Rebuke V: Korach

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Our Sefer Torahs are now covered for fire and wind. So everybody should feel safe carrying the Torah and reading from it. Torah insurance is important and holy, as Baruch sold it to us. And Baruch gave his word on the Torah that we need Torah insurance for H'.
 
Simcha wants to apologize for taking the Bris leftovers. He thought that since it was there, it was for the taking. He wants the congregation to know that he will not take any leftovers from any more Simchas. You can invite him to weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.
 
Our shul has now decided to say extra Tefillahs for the war. It would be good if you showed up to shul to say the prayers.
Rabbi’s Message: I would not trust any of you to pray for our people at home. Your individual Kavanah, which didn’t help Sharon heal after she got her tonsils taken out, will lead to catastrophe.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Laws of Stealing When it Comes to the Torah Which Says Not to Steal. How Malkie Buys Everything- Is Selling to Malkie Schwartzberg Stealing from Mark Schwartzberg. When Is it Considered Stealing from The Bal Simcha- Is it Two Servings of Hash Browns. Why We Need Communal Tefillah and How to Stop Our Community from Affecting Prayers.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You complain like Bnei Yisrael after Korach gets swallowed by earth... I understand that’s a bit dramatic. Have you ever heard Cindy and Carol whine? Bnei Yisrael was not that high pitched... H’ wouldn’t have heard them... When you complain about the new doorway dimensions, it's at such a high pitch... 
Even after you see I am right, you complain. You ask “why is this rabbi leading the congregation?” Because you hired me!!! You would’ve hired Moshe and Aharon... H’ would’ve hired me.

After Korach is swallowed up by the earth and then more protesting by the Jewish people, there's another plague. Which is the normal response to continued complaining from congregants... I’ve thrown lice on my children... This shul needs a plague. Something to stop the board and the committees... They're a plague themselves. Plagues beget plagues... Maybe locusts at the next meeting...

(Bamidbar 17:9-15) Due to the people complaining after the Korach fiasco a plague begins amongst the people... How often do you have to be wrong? At a certain point, it’s time for a plague. Which is why I propose pinching anybody that asks questions to the rabbi...

Aharon stops the plague with his incense... This is not a sermon against drugs... I’m not pro-drugs. It’s just incense, Bernie. 
He stood among the people with incense. That stops plagues. And the poignant smell of marijuana...
(Bamidbar 17:13) “And he stood between the dead and the living, and the plague stopped.”  You have to put yourself on the line to stop destruction. I have stopped so many people from joining this shul... The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah have destroyed enough lives. I've seen your children...
Our soldiers have been out there, acting on behalf of our people. Saving us. Standing between the dead and the living. Standing there on behalf of our people... Our congregants won't even stand between Lenny and the other kids trying to get a couple candies from a Bar Mitzvah candying... Lenny is quite violent. Our renovation committee has done nothing!!! You can't even save a Torah... Renovations do not help save a Torah.

Rashi teaches that Aharon stopped the angel from his mission from H’. He let the angel know that it is H’s will, as what Moshe says is only from Gd, to stop the plague. You can't argue with that. Yet. I get arguments about the crown molding on the doorway all the time...
Plagues beget plagues. And plagues stop plagues.
Who is standing in between the sinners of our shul and the good people of other congregations? Who is making sure the plague of our shul board doesn’t spread...

A plague will not hit the Torah. The plague is the shul board wasting money on everything...
Fire and wind damage protection on a Torah?! It’s a Torah??! Who brings a Sefer Torah to a bonfire... Then how do you burn it?! Well don’t take the shul’s Sefer Torah on your camping trip.
What about rain damage?! You have wind. What about water? Is this home insurance where you have to pay more for flooding?! Torah flooding?...
How is Torah insurance part of renovations again? Insurance covers the Torah... Have the insurance lady come to our Sofer expo and she will understand that each letter takes a couple minutes, and she will understand why a Torah costs a 100k.
You’re the renovations committee. Not the Torah committee. You don’t renovate a Torah.
You should’ve got letter damage insurance. Torah letter damage makes sense.
Maybe it’s just me. I don’t understand why we need fire and wind protection to read from the Torah. We need Bar Mitzvah boy protection. If the kid reads slow and doesn’t enunciate, we take away his Bar Mitzvah. Baal Koreh insurance so that we don't have to pay the Torah reader if he makes a mistake. We should be yelling at the Baal Koreh more. Gabai insurance... People attack the Gabai when they’re not called up to the Torah. I've seen him limping due to injury...
Who will stop this renovation committee before the shul is destroyed from the plague of lack of money. And the lack of paid dues plague.

Just because Baruch says we need it, does not mean we need it. Who sold the shul the insurance?... Baruch sold it to us??? Of course he says it's good. That Halacha says we need it... A Yarmulke does not make it an honest sale. The beard doesn't make Baruch a rabbi... He grew the beard to sell Torah insurance... When he was a mechanic he had a Yarmulke, because he was in a Frum neighborhood. When he sold chandeliers in Borough Park, he had a Streimel. As an Uber driver he didn't have a Kippah. He wore a turban... Yes. He's just offensive. Baruch is a racist...

Simcha. You apologized because it wasn’t your family’s Bris. It was Nachum and Rebecca’s child’s Bris, and we appreciate that you acknowledged that you are not part of their family, and you will not be paying for their child to go to our Jewish day school. You still took stuff. You saw leftovers and you packed it up... Of course they thought the other side told you to take it, because it’s awkward. Who takes food from another family's Simcha.. I know it was good. That's why Nachum and Rebecca wanted it... You can
The Bal HaBayit assumed you were told to take it. Who would take his leftovers in full tins?! Like it was a soup kitchen and you were feeding the hungry... I get your family likes to eat breakfast too. And there is tomorrow. That is correct. 
Nachum yelled at his in-laws. He thought his mother-in-law told you to take the lox... 
Did you learn your lesson? Other than not having to purchase any groceries, did you learn a lesson?... With your logic, guests will come and take everything. Why not just have a take away Simcha. Like Yossi’s Not Treif Butcher... It’s a take away. A don’t eat here, so Simcha Simchavitz can have more food at his house.
The plague of not enough food at Simchas anymore because Simcha takes it all home. Doggy bags it...

It is incense that takes the lives of the sinners, and it also saves lives and stops plagues. If somebody stood between Simcha and the scrambled eggs...
The money that the committee has wasted, we need to use that to learn Torah. We need to stand between the board and the shul...
We must pray to H’ to get rid of the evil. To stand between the good and the bad.
We have been saying Avinu Malkeinu now that there's more war... It's more war. There is war and then more war... It’s a prayer. We add it. We care about our people... You've been saying it all these years. You sing it on Yom Kippur with such commitment. Because you have no idea what it means... I know it's a great song. The plague of my congregants. Avinu Malkeinu... It means "Our Father, our King." Maybe Gd will step in for us. Forgive us. And get rid of the board...

If we just got rid of selfishness, and the board. And dumb ideas for renovations and extra insurance policies because a guy with a beard sold it...
It all happened because Korach thought everything was his. It belonged to him... It belongs to Gd, Simcha!!! Now I know why you take all the food from the parties. You hear "It's a Simcha" and you think it's yours. 
Simcha doesn’t care about his people. He just wants to eat his people’s food... It was Nachum and Rebbecas. You stole it...
Fire and wind??? Are you blowing on the Torah? Are you reading it and Fufing it?
And the board owes me a nice parking spot. You should renovate the rabbi's spot...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi threw water on people coming to Minyin this week. He thought that if he did that, he would get more people coming. He said the idea came from the concept that plagues stop plagues, figuring this would stop the plague of no Minyin. He even started screaming at the Chazin, telling him he couldn't sing, in order to get rid of the plague of the Chazin. That one worked. The Chazin quit. The plague of candies being thrown at children real hard, to get them to stop asking for candy in the middle of Davening, begot a lot of injured children.

The rabbi did make his point when he said the board is a plague. And this is why he stands between the board and the two congregants he likes.
Once they heard there would be locusts at the board meeting, nobody showed.

The renovations committee said they're saving our community. To quote, "We are soldiers for Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah." The rabbi told them to not take credit for saving our people from Iran. Somehow, they feel they have taken down the regime by raising money for a new floor tile.

The shul understood the rabbi explaining that he works for them because they hired him. The shul didn’t see how that had anything to do with Korach.

The board will spend money on anything somebody is selling. Fire and wind damage on Sefer Torahs seem to be important now, because somebody was selling it. Malka bought tinsels at The Christmas Tree Shop for Kiddish, because they were selling them. I think it also had something to do with her having the shul credit card. And her not paying for it. 
The argument from Samantha was that her house got damaged and they had no insurance. The rabbi explained that the shul is not in a basement. It turns came out that she had water damage. Fire and wind, it turns out, doesn’t cover water.
At first, I heard Baruch say earth, wind and fire insurance. I told him that was a band and they didn't sell insurance. That's why he changed it to just fire and wind insurance.

The board spends money on everything, because it's not their money. That's the problem. I think I'm going to stop paying my dues till I'm on the board. Then, I'm going to do upgrades on my home. Do non-profit renovations on my house.

Baruch wore his Yarmulke when he sold the Torah fire and wind insurance. So, the committee thought it was their religious duty to get it. That was the first time I saw him in shul in twelve years. To sell Torah Fire and Wind.

Lack of paid membership dues plague is a real thing. The board just hasn't figured out that people aren't members anymore. It's the lack of members plague. It's the lack of people wanting to sit at Kiddish with our congregants plague.

Beautiful Bris by the way. Great food. I understand why Simcha took it. Lox, scrambled eggs- the omelettish type where it's fried a little in a big pan and sticks together in big smooth pieces, everything bagels- for everybody. I love the Bris scrambled eggs. Special cafeteria style scrambled. And then bagels for everybody. Who doesn't love everything bagels? It has everything. Even if you like poppy seed, it's there. They even had Danish.
And Simcha was pretty smooth. You take a tin with that much confidence, you ask the caterer for your own serving utensil, you take it, nobody notices. They think it's your Simcha. That or you're working the kitchen.
Nachum and Rebbeca thought the other side of the family told Simcha to take the food. Who would fill up their own empty the platters in the middle of the Bris? And with tins?! And then to tinfoil it?!

Simcha, later in the week, expressed his anger that the caterer didn’t give him the leftovers at their Bris. So, he took it out on Nachum and Rebbeca.
He didn’t even know the kid’s name. When asked why he didn't offer to pay, Simcha said, "It's not my kid." That started a whole ruckus where Rebbeca had the nerve to say, "It's not your food." To which Simcha Was shocked. As he said, "My name is Simcha." 
That's probably where Simcha gets his name. He gets his food from Simchas.
It took a lot of talking to for Simcha to understand that the food at a SImcha is only yours at the Simcha. After he understood this, he started taking as much food as he could at the smorgsboard. And he also loaded from the buffet. Took a tin from the buffet to his table. His family ate well at the parties. He even started fasting for days before Simchas.
Later on, the rabbi said, "It's yours and others as well." That concept didn't compute, as Simcha has made it a point since to guard his plate at all cost. He built a table contraption to close off his area at Simchas now. He puts down his seating card and then places a plastic box over his area. Thus, creating a cubby for his plate.

The fact that Avinu Malkeinu added a minute to Davening, less congregants showed up to shul. They said they care about our people and Israel, as long as we keep Davening to a minimum.

The When Stealing from Bal Simcha Class led to how much you have to give as a gift. Since that class, Simcha has been packaging food at the Simchas and giving it to the Bal Simchas as a present. If it's a wedding, Simcha will package two trays of their food.