Sermons of Rebuke V: Ki Teitzei

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We’re sorry that our announcements are going backwards a month to September. We thought August was October. And thus, they were written as October. Our secretary is from Florida. She’s used to hotter weather in the summer. She thought it was already winter.
To not worry. The Shabbat handout will have October after September as well, when it's October. It turns out there is another October then too.
We will not be celebrating Menachem’s Bar Mitzvah again. The Kiddish the first time was Shvach.
 
The rabbi says everybody has to go to Israel. He does not want to see you in our shul. Israel needs volunteers. To quote our rabbi, "The shul does not need volunteers or congregants. Hopefully you don't ruin Israel to."
 
The rabbi suggests everybody purchase new Kippahs, because the shul membership looks like a bunch of Apikorsim. You all look like heretics with the silver tinted satin Yarmulkes, doubling as safety reflector Kippahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Miss School and Holidays by Listening to Our Board and Reading Our Shul's Announcements. How Long to Spend Trying on Kippahs for Purchase- The Art of Not Wearing Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke as a Style. The Chiyuv of Moving to Israel and Away from Topeka- An Obligation to Not Be a Congregant in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Help people... Yes. The Parsha says to be useful. There's a Mitzvah to help. The Parsha does not say to be a congregant of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah... Forget about a horse. You didn't pick up Bernie's phone. He dropped his phone and you left it. You said, "There goes my back. I don't have to keep Mitzvahs"...

(Devarim 23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Have you seen the kids at Camp Rachok MeiHorim? Little devils. There's not even a war...
We learn that this is for those going out to war. Rashi teaches, “Because the Satan goes offensive at times of war.” You think you're fighting the Canaanites and the Amalekites. Next thing you know, you're fighting Satan. You have Ruchel coming at you from one side. And the shul renovation committee coming at you...
I've always been against Color War. Color War also brings out the worst in people. They go to battle, they start singing "Bang Bang Clap B-Bang B-Bang Clap Clap" and it turns ugly real quick. Evil overtakes. Next thing you know, they’re never wearing blue T-shirts again...
The blue team was the Amalekites. That's what my kid at Camp Rachok MeiHorim said...

It’s easy for those in battle to sin. As the Ramban talks about the stress. Color War is a curse. And then that capture the flag thing. Like taking captives and sinning... It's all stressful. Losing at the wheelbarrow and egg on a spoon race is very stressful.
It's our homes. Our neighborhoods. When people are out, we have to keep our camps holy. Those left in the camp have to keep it going. That’s the task of the non-warriors. The shopkeepers. Not to try to steal when war brings their business down. To keep the business going when nobody is buying anything. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are excellent at being unsuccessful...

Morality can get lost when you’re dealing with chaos. When people are far from home. This is why I tell you to not go on summer vacations... You go on vacation. Nobody is taking care of the shul. And then you can't afford dues.

Have we kept our camp holy?! In this time of war, have we guarded from evil?!
It’s easy to lose a sense of morality when something so serious as war is going on, and when you have a membership like ours. The Mitzvot of acting right. Helping others with their animals. Not acting perverse like Shmuli who tells the dirtiest jokes... Not in Shul, Shmuli. The one about the priest and the imam has got to stop. We're in shul.
Do you know how easy it is to tell dirty jokes in times of war...

And so many things went wrong due to you all losing sight. We can’t let Satan have us lose sight as to what’s important. Even in times of war. And that is a decent Kiddish.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was awful. Kichel?! Gefilte fish balls?! It's a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish. At least have loaf fish...

When you go on your vacations are you wearing Kippahs... Yes. You should wear Kippahs in war too. How war and vacation are the same thing is baffling. To this American congregation, going to war is making sure you don't get cut off on line at Disney World. Battling to keep your spot at the Snoopy Roller Ride... 
In war, you camouflage. You don't wear Menachem's Bar Mitzvah silver foil reflector Yarmulke...
Trying on Kippahs from the Bar Mitzvah Kippah box is messed up. HaKipah is a brand. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah- October 18th 2025, is not a brand. And it was August 18th 2025...
You look like idiots. Like Satan got into your Kippah. Guard against looking like an idiot. Satan is in your Satin...

The board went the whole month calling August October in the newsletter, and nobody said a thing. Is that Satan?... I understand it's the board. Same thing...
Nobody reads the Shabbat announcement. Nobody said anything about the fact we missed Rosh Hashana in August?!...
Nobody reads it Ruchel. I don't know how you can call it announcements if nobody reads it?... Announcements to nobody. "We are announcing the Shiva to nobody." That's why nobody shows up. Because they don't read it. 
Maybe if you made announcements like normal people, with the correct month, people would show up at the right time... I don't know what we're going to do with all of Mencahem's friends and cousins who are planning to come in October...
Wherever we are. Whatever we do. Even if we're showing up in the wrong season, because of the board. We have to be strong in our convictions of following the Mitzvot.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was evil. It had people fighting to try to find decent food. It was a Satan filled Kishka...

Nothing is the same as being in Israel. Keeping the Israel camp in Israel... Camp Rachok MeiHorim has a Hebrew name. But it is not in Israel... It's not keeping the camp of Israel holy... No. It's not a summer camp. It doesn't cost 12k. It's our people-hood. Where we're supposed to live... You talk about it. You send stuff. If you’re not there, you’re not on the front lines. You're immoral. You're not keeping the camp from evil... You can go to Israel now. You can leave our congregation. There is no COVID... OK. So there are missiles.
Satan keeps you from helping your people with missiles. You are letting the war keep you from what is right. (23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Which is why I'm trying to get you all out of here...
Don't let war take away your moral compass.
That is Israel. Israel is our camp. And it's cheaper than Camp Rachok MeiHorim.

There's a war going on. Go to Israel. Volunteer. Help... I am not telling Nachum to go. The guy hasn't helped with anything. He will just bring dumb ideas with him. He will hurt Israel. He'll probably start a committee...
The Mitzvah is to help fight evil. To help your people remain strong. The Mitzvah isn't to go to Israel to complain about your back...

You have to purchase the Kippah correctly. You don’t just take one. You fit it. See how it hits the back of the head. You take two mirrors...
You guys just slap the thing on your head. It looks pathetic.
And you don't even pass on morals to your children. I saw you drop a Kippah and you didn’t pick it up. Your child didn’t help. There won't be morality and Mitzvahs in time of war, if your camp is already not Mitzvahdik... Your home is the camp here.
You have to guard something from evil... It's not your new wall to wall flat screen. It's Mitzvot...
I understand the Kippah was ugly. I know. I saw it. Guarding your reflector satin thing perched on your skull is maybe not something important to you. Make sure you have something to guard, other than a decent TV. You don't even have Max...
Give them values to guard. Your child didn't help pick up the Kippah because they have no values. That’s what they teach these kids at Color War...

Acting with purity, even in times of war.
(Devarim 23:15) “For H’ your Gd walks in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. And your camp will be Kasdosh. And He will not see a shameful thing in you and turn away from behind you.”
When H' walks in the midst camp. You have to guard that. Why this shul has so much security now makes no sense... What are we guarding? The new quilt you put up on the wall?! It's not holy... It's not even a community quilt. Brenda donated it because she had to get rid of it. She put it in the laundry and brought it. For some reason, the renovation team decided to hang it up... Not all quilts bring community together. She didn't even bring the duvet... I know. You would've hung it up if she gave it.
The quilt is shameful.

It’s about holiness. Even in war. Keeping the Mitzvot in the hard times. Not messing up August for everybody. Having them worried about snow days at the end of summer... Something to guard. We have to create something to guard. Something worthwhile to keep Satan from it...
Is it in the camp that we must guard, or those who are out to war?! I propose it is both. We must guard against board members everywhere...

Our holy people of Israel have acted properly in this war. Keeping Mitzvahs.
Tefillin... Don’t know if you're supposed to lay Tefilling while being shot at.
They wore their Kippahs correctly in Gaza. Not shiny Yarmulkes. 
Also, in the communities. They wore their Kippahs proudly. Everywhere except for Topeka.
Their kindness was guarded. Quilts were donated. Not by our community... Why we put one up on a wall, when kids can be sleeping with it.
And in our camp of Israel, everywhere, we kept it good. We still saw H'. A holy people...

When we are weakest, the Satan is there for us. Be it temptation. Be it war. Be it Nachum’s back... We must keep morals no matter what. For Gd. Even at the worst of times. Even in battle. Even at Menachem's Bar Mitzvah...
We have to keep whatever camp we are in holy. To guard against our evil at home. And that is the board. We have to do something about the board. Maybe get them to move to Israel... 
We have weak kids. Not one of them made the high school football team. Evil is in that camp. There's too much arts and crafts going on at Camp Rachok MeiHorim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi blamed the problems in our congregation on people too focused on vacation. Our congregants can care less about war. They forget about Gd when they're on vacation. To quote Nachum, "It's a battle every time we go to Orlando. It's so crowded."

Our Jewish people have been an Ohr LGoyim in this war. A light amongst the nations. And Israel has gotten blamed for it too. Israel has fought off Satan. As the rabbi said, "Some of our members visited Israel, and Israel still survived."
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was not an Ohr LGoyim. If nonJews start serving post service refreshments like that, people will leave their religions.

I agree with the rabbi. The things that go wrong in Israel are because our membership makes dumb decisions. I believe he called the members of our shul Congregites.
Here are things that go wrong: Kippahs. Messed up Yarmulkes that shine. I can't Daven in shul with the glare coming off the Kippahs, hitting my Siddur. The wall hangings. They should be meaningful. Not somebody's bedding. I thought community quilts were made with meaning. Not slept in. Kiddish without loaf fish and schmaltz herring. They served the salty water herring. Taste buds have changed over the past hundred years. Our board. Committees. People showing up to shul. Everything goes wrong. And we wouldn't even know when it went wrong because I think we're in November now.

Our congregants are just not helpful. They sin even without war. Our kids won't help if somebody falls. I believe Nachum said, "If somebody lost the shirt off their back, I wouldn't bend." It might have been, "If somebody needed a shirt. I would give them a decent place to buy one."
Maybe blaming our members is a myopic view of the world. But at least it gives the rabbi and me somebody to blame. Somebody has to be blamed for the messed up Kiddishes we've had lately.

I can’t believe I missed that they were calling August "October." I just thought we were having a very hot October this year.
The leftists in our shul used the October mistake to prove their argument of global warming. The rabbi argued, “You can’t argue global warming is happening because our board is a bunch of fools.

Brenda's community quilt for Shalom was worn out. It was an old blanket with fraying corners.

The rabbi got many congregants to go to Israel. They all felt good being in the Holy Land after five years of not visiting. COVID, the war, and Yankel the tailor who wouldn't stop talking about how the price of flights to Israel right now, kept our members from visiting for a while.
When the rabbi suggested our volunteering in Israel to our members, he was hoping they would volunteer to move there.

The members were mad the rabbi said there was no COVID. That was more controversial than rockets hitting Israel. They wanted more COVID. One congregant yelled, "THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE MASKS, RABBI?!!!"

The guys in our shul truly look like heretics, walking around with reflector Yarmulkes. What Menachem's Bar Mitzvah with the free Yarmulkes did to them. They're messed up Kippahs.
Due to the need for non-reflector Kippahs, so people don't get blinded when Davening, the shul purchased new Kippah box Kippahs. There is now a Kippah policy. We used to make everybody wear jackets for Davening. Now, they need to wear normal Kippah.
As the rabbi taught, if you're Pinny, you might want to spend more time trying on Yarmulkes "because you look like a fool."
I think the real message of the sermon was "Satan is in your Satin."