Sermons of Rebuke V: Ki Tavo

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The world lost a righteous man this week. A man who stood up for Israel and moral values. Unlike our congregants who have a hard time eating falafel in a pita, without the tahini getting all over their shirt.
 
The commemoration of Nine-Eleven ceremony will take place this coming week on Nine-Eighteen. Nobody realized it was Nine-Eleven until they saw the screen on their computer, which had the date in number form. We ask from now on, everybody purchase calendars without names for months. Just numbers. This will also help when reporting your birth date to the office.
 
We will be singing "Acheinu," the song of brotherhood, all week long. Until you get it right. And sway together correctly.
It is the new song of our people, because nobody knows the words to Hatikva anymore. So we’ve given up on that.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why It’s Fine For Liberals to Laugh at the Death of a Man Who Talked- The Forbidden Nature of Talking to People. Numbers in Month Form- A Seminar on What Numbers Correspond With Which Months. How to Sing Without Messing Up a Song- The Art of Saying NayNayNay.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Moshe talks of going into Israel right after he speaks of Amalek... He didn’t have you as congregants. He had Amalek.
Right after Amalek, Moshe talks of going to Israel. You have to keep in mind those who want to kill us. That’s why we have Israel. And for good Kosher falafel.
With the basket you bring, the Bikurim, you bring up Egypt and thank H'. You speak of how H’ saw our suffering and redeems us... Israel is what Gd gives us. It’s our safe place. And we have abandoned that by not being thankful... Yes. You can say what you want in Israel. It's a safe space for Jews.

Gd brings us there, but we have a side of the covenant we must keep. And I know that responsibility bothers you all. Which is why our Chazin will be doing all of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur Davening, as well as opening the Aron himself...
(Devarim 27:1-4) When you get to Israel, “set up great stones and coat them with plaster.” The commandment isn't to do renovations on the stones. If you were doing renovations on the stones with a committee, they would've never got plastered... I don’t know. Weather ruins things. Weatherproof the stones.
“And you shall write on them all the words of the Torah when you cross over.” It’s there for Torah. Israel is there for us to practice the Torah. To read it. To preserve it. Preserve it with plaster... We’re not putting plaster on the scroll over here. It costs too much... They didn't have Sofrim charging 150k back then. That's why some of the rabbis say they didn't write the whole Torah on the stones. With the scribe fees, it would've cost the community too much...
The stones are our foundation right when we get to Israel... If you would've put in a decent foundation on the Sukkah, it wouldn't have blown away last year... Are you protecting the Torah. The covenant of Gd that we must keep safe, so that we are safe. Are you protecting the foundation. If you would've plastered the walls of the shul correctly, we wouldn't have water damage...

What makes it our safe place is the Torah. Is our guarding and protecting the Torah.
We have to waterproof it, because we need to guard our will. Amalek, the Egyptians, those who attack us and our supporters, attack our will. Like the board, who attacks every decent Torah idea. Such as learning. The board decided learning Torah wouldn't raise enough money, so we don't learn in our shul... The Torah idea was to learn Torah. I understand that's too simple for a committee to discuss. So, it didn't happen. We should plaster "Learn Torah" on the walls of our shul... Because, it's a simple idea, Bernie. And it doesn't change...

You should be in Israel... I’m not there because I have a job.
Israel protects us and we must learn Torah there. We must practice Mitzvot. It is written on the foundation stones to remind us of morality... Because it's plastered. And they had decent masons working on the stuff. Not a millennial who...
Are we preserving the Torah? Are we fighting Amalek? Are we truly thanking Gd with our gift baskets? If the Purim Mishloach Manot I received from the members of this shul is any sign, we are not doing a good job.
Israel isn't complicated. The Knesset is complicated. However, the Midot, the traits of Israel are simple. Be good. Fight evil. Get money from tourists...

Israel is about morals. The Olam lost a righteous man this past week.
What do you stand for? What are your morals? How are you going to continue his legacy? Are your Jewish kids safer on college campuses now?... Because they're not plastering the Torah on their walls. Because the college life is based on immorality, one cannot be safe.
They have pictures of Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar... I don't believe they were what Moshe was talking about plastering. And that is how you lose morals. It's what you plaster on the wall. And at this shul we're using Sheetrock. Drywall does not represent morality. Neither does hip hop or the Swift family. Nor does a poster of A Minecraft Movie. Building an immoral society with nothing on it's foundation stones...
Laughing at a Tzadik’s murder??? Your sense of humor is off... Things to laugh at would be the board's choice of wallpaper in the social hall.

Charlie saw the immorality in America and attacked it. He was trying to plaster truth on the walls.
What moral values do you fight for?... Giving tips at Flavor Cafe is not a moral value. Fifteen percent does not make you a person with scruples. There's no Mitzvah to be a big tipper... You haven't given Tzedakah in years... Tipping is not charity. And the fact that you gave your Mayser money, your tithe, to tips... A tithe is a tenth. One tenth. Not one and a half tenths...
We must talk things out. Plaster the holy words of H' on the rocks. In his way, Charlie Kirk tried doing that on the campuses... I am not suggesting graffiti. 

The Torah reminds us of history and our hardships. The Torah we practice is in the face of evil. We preserve it in the face of the board and our synagogue committees...
Commemorating those who have gone is important. Which is why we have memorial plaques, plastered on the wall of our chapel. And you can donate money in honor of your loved ones who've passed on...

Morals are based on them. Moral acts we preserve, the Torah, is all based on how we treat death. The past. Chesed Shel Emet. Kindness of truth. And our will to live by Torah even when we’re under attack.
How we commemorate... The problem is we called it Nine-Eleven. If it was called September 11th, everybody would know when that is... Calling 911 is not the right thing to do on NIne-Eleven. You do a moment of silence. Prayer.
Commemorate it. Torahify it. Maybe fight terrorism.
Have we waterproofed our Israel?!

We are going to be singing Acheinu all week. It’s for our people, and we're going to sing it all week. At least till you get the song right. You guys mess it up every time. How do you mess up a song of brotherly love so much?!... It's because you don't love your people.
The song makes me cry every time I hear it. How all of our people come together and sing. How you all sway and sing off tune.
Your harmony is so off... Well. Then you're singing a different song.
Didn’t even repeat the verse. You repeat verses in Jewish songs. Always repeat the verse... That's how you make sure the song rhymes...
Of course "Acheinu Kol Beit Yisrael" are the lyrics. We have good lyrics written 2k years ago. We don’t change them, Chaim. It was in the Machzor Vitry. We sing that... We’re not singing Yanky’s new song. I don’t care that it was inspired. And we're not singing Taylor Swift.
And now your swaying is off.
We are going to plaster the words on the wall... So you remember them. Or at least look at them and don't mess them up... I know it's written in Hebrew. Learn Hebrew. Those lyrics protect us.

If you all understood the idea of brotherhood... And sisterhood. I get it Rachel. You would sing together... Let’s sing now...
The way you're singing now promotes brotherly hatred.... Sisterly hatred. Sorry...
OK. You’re right. There are other songs for our people. We’ll also sing Kol HaOlam Koolo and Am Yisrael Chai... And Hatikva. It’s our national song. The fact you guys don't know it... 

Will we remain stalwart?! Are we plastering the cornerstone of our religion?!
And now it’s offensive and bothersome to say we lost holy brothers in Israel this week?! Acheinu. Our brothers... And sisters. Exactly Rachel.
America is not a safe space without Israel...
H’ Yismor. Plaster that on our wall.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got into the singing. He turned his sermon into a Kumzits singalong. Once he got into the songs, he started crying, because Bernie and Ruchel were so off tune.

Nobody wants Mishloach Manot in our shul. I understand the rabbi. If the Bikurim baskets were anything like what I got for Purim, it would not be thanking H'. I can't imagine that people were bringing Gd poppy seed Hamentashen.

Due to the rabbi's message of waterproofing Israel, our membership started a campaign to raise funds to purchase wood stain and sealant for Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.
Jerusalem claimed the stone is already waterproofed. By design. As a board said, "That sounds biblical."

Committees in our shul need something to discuss. At the last meeting, the renovations committee discussed the idea of if Torah is important to Judaism. It was a committee. It was a discussion they had to have. They had a meeting already planned. They had to discuss something. It would appear that Torah is not important to renovations in our shul.

The rabbi made a beautiful point about antisemitism and Israel being our place to live. Nobody cared. They claimed the flights to Israel are too expensive, and the real Amalek is EL AL.

The congregants were mad the rabbi could say such a thing about Charlie Kirk. One member screamed out, "How dare you say he was a decent human being?!!" 
It turns out our congregants hate Israel and Jews. They also hate morals. Some of the left-wing of our shul, at Kiddish, started laughing about Charlie Kirk's death. It turns out that they’re against guns, but pro-gun violence
Now the liberals in our shul want to kill any child who talks. To quote our left-wing Kiddish table, "If they talk, one day they might debate. The decision is easy." 

The most moral thing one of our members has done is to give a big tip. "A big tipper." That's a Tzadik. "She gave eighteen percent. She has a place in Olam Haba." Yet, they steal pens at work.
The rabbi ended up giving a whole mathematical explanation of tithing. From then on, Chaim only tipped ten percent.
The left-wing table claimed Charlie Kirk never tipped well. A Rasha!!!

The rabbi saw an opening when he mentioned the plaques for family members who passed, and he started going into an appeal. He's warmed up for the High Holidays. He's good.

The rabbi started a statewide campaign to call it September 11th, so people would remember the date, before seeing the bottom right of their computer screen.
Every year, we miss Nine-Eleven. We need a ceremony to commemorate it.
We need another name for it. Not to get rid of Nine-Eleven. Just to change the name. Because they are not good at reading dates, some of our congregants commemorate it every day. Every time Bernie looks at his clock when he gets to shul, he mourns.
The moment of silence was not a meaningful idea. The rabbi is always asking the congregants for a moment of silence. He just wanted the congregants to shut up.

Many congregants were offended by the concept of fighting terrorism. To quote, "Terrorists have a right to be who they want to be. If that is how they identify, we have no right to stop them."
They congregants have also been through a lot, dealing with violence in the shul. They had already dealt with Simchovitzs’ Hagba fiasco where he took Galigla from the kid. The anger expressed when the kid didn't wrap right. They're still talking about it. Some claim the look was a terrorist act, perpetrated by somebody who doesn't identify as a terrorist. Which the left-wing table said is wrong, as "that's misappropriation."
It turns out that looks can be terrorism too. "A terrorist look." And that is more offensive than killing people. I think that is the congregation I belong to.

Due to the suggestion, we are now singing all four songs after Davening, every time. Not just Acheinu. And the rabbi has also insisted on the NayNayNay parts, adding an extra five minutes to each song. As he says, "That is the one part all the congregants know."
Such bad singers in our shul. The rabbi required music classes for all. The rabbi also brought in a dance instructor to teach us how to sway right. He said the classes were for all the victims of having to be members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. And to honor the victims of Nine-Eleven, whenever that is, by not ruining more Jewish songs.

After all the talk of hardship, death and commemoration, everybody had a great time at Kiddish.

The connecting numbers to month names seminar lasted three days.