Sermons of Rebuke V: Emor

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months.
 
Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it.
 
We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year.
 
Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven...
You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow...
You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people.

(Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that.

What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens...
Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up...

Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people...
Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?!
You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford...

Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact...
A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul.

You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it.
Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong...
So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made...
You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day.
Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness.

Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent.
Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong.
I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?...

We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph.
The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better...
They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house...
We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do...
This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma...

You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave....
There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul.

Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???!

All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens...

I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom...
From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything.
But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple.

Rivka's Rundown
Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy.
The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy."
The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise.

The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows.
I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each.
Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore."

The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone.
They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.”
It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330.
Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across.

And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most.
Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k.
By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar.
Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar.

That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact.
The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi.

Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves.
The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye."

The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral.

Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper.
The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed.
And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up.

Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest."
Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up.
The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu.