Sermons of Rebuke V: Ekev

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask mourners not be selfish. The Davening leader should be the person with the highest level Chiyuv requirement on the chart of tragedy. A fisticuffs shouldn't break because Steve's father passed away last year.
We understand that nobody wants to hear Felvel lead. But he is going through Shloshim. Being that it’s the first thirty days, he leads, unless if somebody has Yahrzeit. So please be sure to be here for your Yahrzeit, so we don’t have to listen to Felvel.
 
The rabbi is on vacation. The Chazin will read the Drasha. The rabbi wants everybody to know he feels it necessary you all hear a sermon, as you’ve all been sinning this summer, and you’re bad congregants.
 
The rabbi forbids Malkie’s Fat Loss Clinic. You can’t be a Frum Jew, and get thinner, when there’s Shabbat... Vegan Shnitzel is forbidden.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Offend the Death of a Parent By Not Sharing the Amud and Praying in with Our Congregation of Heretics. Leading Davening Not Like Felvel So People Want to Stay Jewish. Healthy Diets H’ Hates - Because There’s No Kishka. What Makes You a Sinner- A Look at the History of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

Rabbi Mendechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 7:20) H’ will send the hornet swarm to get the hidden enemies. But that’s if you listen and do the Mitzvahs... The military plan doesn’t work if you’re all sinning. You have to keep Shabbis for it to work.
I tried getting hornets to go after the board. A bunch of sinners... The idea is the hornets go into the tunnels, and they run out. I’m not a military expert, but it works, Bernie. It just works...

Moshe fights for everybody, so you are still alive and H’ doesn’t kill you... He fights with prayer. It can work. I have seen the way you guys attack the Gabai.
You're alive, not because we had our first decent shul softball game on Sunday. And you are only going into Israel because the other people are so bad. The Amorites and their cousins, the ites, are just sinning more... Basically. You’ve done nothing, other than get Gd mad. But Gd is madder at them... I know this, because I've been around this congregation for a very long time, and I've seen how Jews are when they're on a board. If it was the board making decisions, we would've never made it to Yericho... Exactly. The shul trip to Israel hasn't happened for four years now. Because the board is involved. Sinners...

(Devarim 10:11) H’ tells Moshe, “... let them come and possess the land that I swore to their fathers, to give them...” Earlier in the Parsha we see that we'll get kicked out of it. Because we're going to mess up. Ruchel will get involved as board president and she'll mess up the finances... The rebellious people that we are, we don’t necessarily deserve to go into the land. We have to go all the way back to our forefathers for a reason for Gd to like us. Which is why we have plaques in the shul. To remind Gd that at some point there were decent Jews here. Jews who paid dues and didn't mess up the finances and ruin the rabbi's contract...

The Levites get nothing. The Leviim don't get any land. Does that sound fair?... Well, it’s fair. I'll answer the questions I ask here. (Devarim 10:9) They have H’... Stop blaming the Levites. I know they do a bad job of handwashing in our Shul. But they're not the reason. They’ll be fine doing Gd’s service. We are talking right now about you guys messing up everything that your forefathers worked for... Let’s see. The Leviim didn’t ruin everything with the Golden Calf. Or a new Torah crown without silver. They're not a reason for us to not be in Israel. In our shul, they're a reason to think that maybe the Levites shouldn't be the ones singing Tehillim on the steps of the Temple. You all have just as bad of voices as the Chazin...
I have to explain this. This is why we have sermons. Leviim don't need a physical heritage. They have Gd.
Can you get over the fact the Levites don't get land. It's not a punishment. Smirking in the back left. It's called spirituality... Yes. It does make you feel better to have Gd when you're broke...

The point is you can't do anything good. Our congregants are not the reason for anything positive. Even so, as I've witnessed, you are very good at messing things up. Like Torah reading...
Don’t mess up everything. Gd is doing a favor to our forefathers and me, letting you into Israel... If you moved to Israel, Topeka would be happier. Stop blaming the Levites. They're not the reason. They have Gd. You. You. I'm talking to you. You don’t mess it up. 
Once you understand you’ve done nothing good, your heritage will be there. It will be protected, even through hornets... Your kid getting bit up at camp was your fault. The Torah does not say to not spray your child.

Just don't do anything and your heritage will be fine... No Bernie. Just stop. You're bothering everybody.
Mitzvahs. Do Mitzvahs. Everything else will be taken care of.

There are things we have to do. Leading Davening should be done right... You want hornets on us?! Then don't mess it up.
The rules are. To lead the Davening, you have to have something awful happen to you?! If nothing awful has happened to you, you can't lead services. That's what a Chiyuv means. That or a Bris... I have had to deal with you. That is why I lead services sometimes. It's a deep pain I feel. A loss of joy...
If somebody had something awful happen to them, let them lead. Don't be nasty. There shouldn't be Amud, prayer leading fights...
You’re selfish, Vitaly, when it comes to Kaddish, never joining the community tune... You are so off beat. And this is an Ashkenazi shul. You’re stuck doing this fifteen-minute Edut Mizrach Kaddish. Nobody knows when to say Amen...
We're asking you to not mess up the decentness your ancestors gave our community. Don't mess with plaques. They're the only good thing we have left in this shul. To not cause more Galut.
We are asking mourners to be considerate of other mourners. To not be selfish mourners... Felvel. You're not the only one to lose somebody... He said, “I lost my dad last month.” Your response, “Then I should be leading. Yahrzeit trumps Shloshim.” There were no condolences. No LAliyas Nishama. No Hamakom Yinachem. You told him to leave. That is not comforting...
And then a fight with Steve. You got mad at him because he had a Yahrzeit. The day his father died, and you want to throw punches... And what’s a fisticuffs. Are you fighting 17th century style? Is this one of those things where you start hitting each other and nobody ducks the punch?!

And stop singing. We are going to ask the Chazin to stop singing. His voice is off.
If the Jews sang like this in the desert, Moshe's prayers and calling on our forefathers to help with H' wouldn't have done a thing.
Come to think of it. Nobody leading Davening at the shul would bring redemption. You are all so bad at it.

I ask that you all be better Jews. There is no way a good Jew can take off weight during the summer. With late Shabbis, you are eating till 9pm Saturday night. From 11am to 9pm. That is at least four pounds of babka. Shnitzel for. A popcorn machine. And Rose finally is making good Shnitzel. So, you are eating that... Kol Hakovd Rose for finally having a decent recipe and not messing it up. A thing that somebody didn't mess up. Rose is not the reason we are living in Galut. With her amazing new Shnitzel we would be in Israel. It's the board...
And then you need a Melaveh Malka. That means Saturday night pizza. If you were decent Jews, you would've put on at least eight pounds this summer. So far.
And what is vegan Shnitzel? Are you even Jewish? Vegan is not Jewish. Pareve is Jewish...

The idea is to bring spirituality. To be connected to the elevated Leviim. To eat more Shnitzel. This is our way of being connected to Israel, where we can't afford homes... You're poor, because you messed up your ancestor's inheritance. 

The Levites get nothing. Are they part of this?
(Devarim 10:8-9) The Leviim are commanded to minister to H’ and carry the Aron. A spiritual bunch. “Therefore Levi doesn’t have a share and heritage with his brothers. Gd will be his heritage...” Don't worry about the Levites. Worry about famine. When you're connected to Gd, there is good. You don’t need land. The Levites are good Jews. They put on weight every Shabbat... You don't lose that heritage of Gd when you eat. If the people don’t kill everything, the Levites will be fed by the tithes. And they'll have homes based on what they receive by the people not sinning... 
The problem is they're connected to the people they minister to. If there's a famine and no tithing, what do the Levites eat?
And this is why my contract is messed up...

The military plan is to keep the Mitzvahs. It’s to not do anything stupid. That’s the plan. Mitzvahs. And it will help run Kosher Mart better too. And it will help with Davening. Keeping Mitzvahs will have you leading prayers faster, because you will think about loving your neighbor, and you will do it fast.
And where is the name Kosher Mart from? Is it named after a family member?...

The Levites got this. And they got their lot with H’. Because they wanted that. They didn't mess up.
If you don't mess everything up, we should merit Israel and hornets. Celebrate your ancestry... And they will not eat the plaques. And get some bug spray for your kids already...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi spent half hour explaining military strategy. It came down to, pray to H' and show up to shul on time.
And that leads to safe living in Israel.

So heritage means you've done nothing. And that is a good thing.
The redeeming lesson is that we might have a chance to not mess up things more than we have. And that is a win for our congregation. Everybody felt inspired after the sermon to not mess up more than they have.

I’ve ran into some nasty Kaddish guys. Especially from the women’s section. When a woman is saying Kaddish and the woman is on tune, they can't deal with it. They They go off beat even more.
These guys are vicious when it comes to leading services too. Ralph says” It’s my Minyin.” Like the guy owns the Minyin. Like he's the best guy for it. Ralph hasn't even paid dues. To be honest, everybody hates Ralph. And he runs up there. He gets there early just make it uncomfortable for the mourners to kick him off the Bima, so they can rightfully lead. Felvel has to go over to him every day. “I lost my mom.” And then Ralph gives no response. Just a nasty look.
And Ralph is worse at leading than Felvel. He runs up there because nobody would ever ask him to lead Davening.
No matter what, he's leading. He considers his birthday a Chiyuv. This guy always leads.
After this whole violent ordeal, Michael was looking to purchase a pair fisticuffs. He was bothered that he lost his last pair of cufflinks.  

"Get out of here" is how the men in our services comfort the mourner. 
And that announcement. "Be sure to be here for your Yahrzeit so we don't have to listen to Felvel lead Davening." It was like the shul was hoping that more congregants would experience more family death. Just so that Felvel doesn't lead. It's like he's even worse than the Chazin.
I think mourners should be a little selfish when mourning one's parent. It shows Kibud Av vEim, honoring parents, when you're a jerk to others, in honor of leading people for Chiyuv.

Faster Davening, and not having to listen to these people lead, is the greatest Mitzvah. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Seeing the anger expressed when other people lead, it is true. 

The rabbi left for the week and he still had a Dvar Torah. I think he just gets out his anger on us. It was inspired. He even threw in the how annoying Bernie is. He knew exactly where they wouldn’t shut up.
The Chazin having to read his own voice is off. That hurts.

Rose's new Shnitzel is amazing. I agree that she should be praised, as she is our only hope for redemption as Jews.
I agree with the rabbi, our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious.
Malkie is taking off weight. I don’t think she’s keeping Shabbis. Keeping Shabbis during the summer means ten hours of eating on Saturday. You can't take off weight sitting at a Shabbat table for that long. 
What else do you do with your Shabbis? Talk? While you're talking, what do you do? Eat.
I never understood eating on Saturday night. After eating for fifteen hours on Shabbis you have to eat more. Are there any Mitzvahs that aren’t eating? I should ask the rabbi.

When he got back, the rabbi ended up making all the vegans in the shul bring proof of Judaism.

The rabbi being away, nothing changed. They all still talked during his speech. Which was really the Chazin's speech. Very confusing. Especially because in his speech he said we don't need or want a Chazin.
He got back for his class later in the week because he didn't trust that the vegans were Jewish.