Sermons of Rebuke V: Chayei Sarah

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We’re having a blood drive. We don’t know where the blood drive will be. Due to the Red Cross' stance on Israel, members are worried the blood will be earmarked to terrorists. The board discussed it, and they’re trying to figure out if lives should be saved. The board definitely does not help the shul.
 
There is a Kiddish thief going around after Kiddish, or a fool who is throwing out the pastries. Are they being stolen and taken home by somebody who is enjoying local baked goods from Latkas, at five times the price of Stella D’oros. Please call the office with any leads.
 
Please make your decision as to whether you want a Mishebeyrach blessing for your relatives before your Aliyah. If the Gabai starts the blessing, we will consider it a business transaction and charge you. Even if you back out.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Feel Good About Not Saving Lives - A Congregation of People Who Has Anti-Blood Drives. How One Can Steal Food That Has Been Given to Them for Free- The Case of the Kiddish Burglar. Mekach Taot and How Our Gabai Sells Aliyahs Under False Pretenses. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Avraham tells Eliezer to find his son a wife... Not from Canaan, Bernie. Everybody knows you don't take a Canaanite wife. There's something off with the Canaan girls. You marry one of those, you're marrying their family. Very annoying mother-in-laws. They even have jokes about them. "Take my Canaanite mother-in-law, please"...
Eliezer was sent to find a girl from Avraham's family. Avraham says she also has to move to them. And people say Chaim is picky.
Eliezer goes on the mission and finds a good woman. Rivka... She happens to be the sister of Lavan. Don't blame her for her brother. It's not one of the Lefkowitz kids.
Lavan sees that Eliezer has money, and like Baruch, he goes over to welcome Eliezer and offers him food... Baruch. You only talk to people who have a gold collar on their Tallis. Oh!!! That was a good one. That was a zinger... I'm just telling the story. Can I continue...
(Bereishit 24:33) Eliezer insisted to not eat or drink until he spoke his word of Rivka and how he asked Gd, Who answered his prayer. He wants to know if Rivka is going to go with him to Israel... I know Israel doesn't exist yet. But it does. I have to deal with Jew haters right in the middle of my sermon. I don't even live in Israel and they are protesting me... The mission comes first to Eliezer. He doesn't want anything to get in the way. Lies happen when people try to butter things up with small talk and food. Which is why the board meetings always have refreshments... 
Did you ever have a business meeting with Mechanic? No food. Exactly. It's clear they're ripping you off.
Let's not let food cloud our judgment.

Eliezer recounts the story. Eliezer wants it to be known that Rivka is a good person... He doesn’t just look at "her figure," Chaim. You sicko. He's not shallow. Who even uses that language anymore?... Other than the Shadchans at our shul.
She brings the camels water too. That's all he wanted to know. That she thought about other living beings. Didn't need somebody telling her what to do to be kind... You guys need a sermon.
When speaking of the experience with Rivka at the well... Yes. That's how you fall in love Chaim. At wells. Eliezer says, (Bereishit 24:46) vAysht "And I drank." The same word for drinking here is the word for a wife. The one who cares. A true Eisheit Chayil worries about people's wellbeing. Their life. Water. They think about others. They ask why the Chazin takes so long. Why does shul have to be so painful?!...

Hearing this, Lavan gives in. He understands it’s the word of Gd... Hearing about Rivka and how she acted. Not about our Chazin and messed up Gabai who still can't figure out how to call up the right person... It's a Simcha, Shmuel. You call up a family member... A family member of the people celebrating. It's not hard. The fact I have to tell you is because you're not a Rivka...
Lavan then says, (Bereishit 24:50) “We can say to you neither bad or good.” He knew at that moment Rivka must go.
When it’s Midot, it’s Gd’s word. When it's Mitzvot, it's Gd's word. When it’s Gd's word, it’s not good or bad. It’s right. You do it. What is bad is our membership. Which is why I don't listen to the board or take requests... The back left of the shul. All the sinners want Kiddish right now.
Our first responsibility is making sure we take care of what Gd wants. After that we can eat... We are not going to Kiddish until this sermon is over.

Don’t let money and food get in the way of what is right... And I know our congregants are very good at not giving donations.

Let's not butter things up. Let's just get into it. For Gd.
What is Gd's mission? And if it is from Gd, it is, let's do it...

Not knowing where the blood drive will be is not a safety concern. The Red Cross are a bunch of terrorists. We don’t support terrorism. Therefore, we don’t give blood... 
We give blood to the Red Cross, next thing you now, they’re hiding Jewish bodies with it... They will use it to shoot bombs into Israel. Very good point, Hadasa. Finally, somebody in this congregation says something that makes sense. They will be shooting blood over from Gaza and Yehuda Shomron... Blood bombs. The bloodiest type of bombs.
The Red Cross offers us gifts. Before we get the gifts, we have to understand if it’s proper to give blood. We all love the towel with the red cross. Love it. Excellent thread count. Get the bag. Maybe you get that Amazon $10 gift certificate. Makes you feel good. Ten dollars off on fabric softener. And then they try to kill you... Saving lives is important. Giving blood is very important. Sometimes. I am not sure... Well I don't know where else to give.
I understand these questions aren't comfortable. Which is why we deal with them like Eliezer, before we eat with the Reshaim...

Kiddish is important. And the sisterhood feeds you without you asking. The only righteous people in the shul... Because they force-feed you. That's what Rivka would've done.
But what is the mission? With our membership, where is the holiness? And where is the food. Last week there was no leftovers. But there was leftovers. What has happened to the Kiddish food from the Bat Mitzvah? Are people throwing it out, or taking it?! Does our shul have a bunch of Kiddish thieves?... Let us deal with it before we eat. You don't eat with sinners. You first work through the issues. In other words, our membership...
Who throws out the pastries from Kiddish?! Who is taking all of the food?! Which one is it?!
Latkas Bakery is expensive. We know it. One cookie is a full Stella D’oro sleeve. And they deserve that at Shalishudis... Yes. That was the discussion at the third Shabbat meal, at shul. They couldn't figure it out. Yet, I know that nobody would do Bal Tashchis to Latkas baked goods. They're too expensive to throw out...
We will get to Kiddish. But you can’t eat if people are stealing and not following Gd’s word.
Let’s first find the Danish cookie thieves. Taking black and white cookies.
The real question is who would buy from Latkas when you can take it from the shul...

The board can help. If they stay away from the shul, they will be very helpful...

We need commitment from people. You decide what is right and do it... Because H' said so. That means that if you decide a Bracha is correct, you go with it. Even Lavan would do that...
MidBracha you backed out. You basically said, “I don’t care about my family that much. For anything more than a dollar their memory should be for a curse”... I understand you weren’t in the will. But it’s a matter of our responsibilities.
Know what you are getting into. Then you do it. And then you feel decent about yourself and eat... You're not hungry, because you're a sinner, and you are not following in Gd's ways.

Eliezer took responsibility first. Wasn’t going to eat until he knew if Rivka would be a wife to Yitzchak.
In life. We have to take responsibility. That means not throwing out Kiddish pastry... Because it’s good.
And giving blood is important. And there is a responsibility to not give to the Red Cross.
And if we don’t first take responsibility, we can’t eat...

But he drank right away with Rivka. When she offered him the drink, he took it right away. Because she was a Tzadeiket. When it comes to Tzadikim, you don't have to wait for a conversation to drink. You can drink right away... For health reasons, drinking right away is also important. Why Eliezer was traveling without a canteen is an excellent question. A water bottle would've been called for.
When you're with a Tzadik the mission is complete. You know Gd is already there. You can eat and drink with them. It's already holy. With a Rasha, like one of our congregants, you have to first talk Torah. You're not sure Torah and Gd will make its way in, unless you do that first. Which is why I have to give the Drasha before Kiddish every Shabbat. And this is why I don't eat at your Simchas... And I don't trust the Hashgacha.
With Reshaim you need Tanaim. You need stipulations. Like Gd. Which is why we have Mishebeyrach agreements. Which is why we have to put together blood drives... Because you people wouldn't donate a thing without it.
A Tzadik truly cares. They make sure you drink. And they want nothing in return. You already know you're with the right person. There is no need to know anything else. You marry that, Chaim. You have a relationship with that...
Whatever you do, make sure Gd is there. And I don't think Gd is stealing Kiddishes.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi went off on Canaanites. Many of the more liberal congregants were very mad. They found it offensive on behalf of their Canaanite friends.

To be clear, the rabbi was talking about Rivka Imanu. Though, he knows I'm a Tzadeket, as I do help out the sisterhood. And I do force Kugel on people. I am in their face if they finished their Lukshen Kugel, scooping it onto their plate.

After the sermon, the board reminded the rabbi that they can fire him. So, he agreed to give classes and talk to the membership again. His contract said that even if it's not Gd's word, he still has to listen to the members complain about how they messed up.

"Because H' said so." You can't argue with that.

I think the rabbi just doesn’t like giving blood. That was the reason for the Drasha. It makes him woozy.

We are the only congregation that put together a program to not give blood. We held a blood drive pass-by. A blood donation protest. And yet we are a pro-life congregation.
So, now we don’t help save lives, because of terrorist blood banks. The Red Cross supports the West Bank and Terrorist Blood Banks.
In the middle of the week the congregation changed its mind and decided that giving blood was important again. Nobody said "important again," as they would've been branded as Trump supporters. Even though they support Trump, they said that being called a Trump supporter is a curse.
The rabbi didn’t know about the hospitals. There was a lot of discussion in our shul, as people don’t want to learn Torah. They feel the Mitzvah they can do is giving blood. So, we had our drive at the hospital. We filled up the emergency waiting room. Just to get a person into the drive took two hours of waiting. We are going to try to get an ICU waiting room next time. The emergency room moves real slow. One guy had blood flying out of his arm. They had him waiting three hours in the ER. They should’ve used his blood for donations. Somebody should be in the emergency room taking blood to give to people.
The ER is for very slow emergencies. Like for slow emergency death. They're very helpful when you have a good half a day to wait for your emergency. They have the waiting part down. 
The rabbi acquiesced that giving blood is a big Mitzvah if they’re not using it to kill Jews. We have to give blood. Saving lives is a Mitzvah. A huge one.

Somebody took the Kiddish leftovers. Everybody knows, Kiddish leftovers are from Shalishudis. One idiot asked, "Aren't you supposed to throw out stuff that was taken out of the kitchen?" This isn't a restaurant. This is shul nobody cares about health. We also donate that stuff. Out of the kitchen ten times, that's when the food kitchen gets it.
Nothing to eat at Shalishudis is a crisis. The Kiddish cookie fiasco was messed up. They had some food at Shalishudis, but no cookies, and no egg salad. By the way, the egg salad is still disgusting. The sisterhood still can't figure out how to sprinkle salt. For some reason, even with the extra salt I pour on, it tastes disgusting. The egg salad is a curse, and I think it's because we have a lot of sinners at shul.
Some people think you don't need that much for Shalishudis in the winter. With short Shabbat, they finish lunch at 3:30pm, and they are hungry at 4:40pm. It's over an hour. They need the food.

The case of the Kiddish Pastry Thief is a real thing. The office got a lead on Ephraim who put on eight pounds. They're checking into it, and forced him to come for a daily weigh in before Shacharit. To make it clear, this was not a boxing match, he kept on his clothes.

He went up for family Mishebeyrach for a dead relative. Might have been the Kel Maleh. The rabbi put in “in order that he will give Tzedakah.” Right there, he took back the blessing. Got mad at the rabbi, and yelled, “You threw that on me. That was a Bracha and switch."

I am no giving blood to the Red Cross. I know they're earmarking it for terror. Terrorist blood.