Sermons of Rebuke V: Beshalach

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
All Minyins will be in shul. Even when it’s snowing outside. The rabbi says Zoom is not considered a location. And thus, we cannot have a Minyin there, even if Rebecca says so. To quote, "The cyber universe is not a place, even if there are cyber planets within. The Torah was not given to the cyber people. Thus, we will not be having Zoom Minyins. To note, we also don't count bots for a Minyin."
 
Due to Rebecca, the rabbi has Asured the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah WhatsApp group. To quote, “Our congregants are idiots.” It is also forbidden to post on any community thread about Jewish stuff until you check with the rabbi that it is Jewish stuff. 
 
Everybody is still getting used to Harold’s mustache. We want to commend Harold on not giving up and keeping the thing. We have counted, and there have been upwards of twelve-hundred comments about how that thing looks like an animal on his face.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Counts for a Minyin- How Missing Shul and Turning on Your Computer Was Not Commanded in The Torah. Why Nobody Should Listen to Rebecca- How Your Opinions Aren't Jewish. Harold’s Mustache- A Study in Awkward Hair Growth on His Face in Halacha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
My friend asked me if they sang in Israel this week. And of course they did. The final hostage is home, and a song of unity...
Yes. They asked Moshe if there weren’t enough graves in Egypt... We have graves here in Topeka. There are graves everywhere. I don't know if the Jews thought that the rest of the world had no graves.... Yes. They were being sarcastic. Anything in question that doesn't have a question mark is sarcasm. Do I enjoy being here... Do I enjoy answering that question. Bad grammar is sarcasm... 
My friend's question was a real one. And they sung Acheinu...

(Shemot 14:24) The Egyptians said, “Let us flee from the Israelites, for Gd is fighting for them against Mitzrayim.” Not a fair fight. I know... Why does it have to be fair? The question is what is right. It's not fair that I have to deal with your questions. Your dumb questions, and they're not even sarcastic. And your off tune singing. It's not fair...
If H' is stepping in, maybe you step down. You let don't let your ego get in the way. Even the Egyptians knew when to stop. You disband the board... And they didn't stop and they went in the sea and died. Like our membership, who has killed fun and connection to Gd...

(Shemot 15:1) “Then Moshe and the children of Israel sang.” “Then.” Were they not singing before?... No, they weren’t. Pessy. They were suffering enough. They didn’t have to hear congregants singing too. The worst voices in this place... I am thinking we should skip Kedusha... It’s not OK to skip Kedusha Rebecca. There she goes again. I am talking about having to hear you sing Kedusha. Our shul should just say stuff. No singing. Put the Torah back in the Aron and say Etz Chayim Hi...

(Shemot 15:21) Miriam tells the women, “Sing to God for He is most exalted; horse and rider He cast into the sea.” She didn’t look to the men of our shul to help out... Because that’s not redemption. That would be a curse. She wasn't trying to make things sound worse. She was trying to drowned out the men. If they sounded anything like the back left during Kedusha...
When we overcome. We sing. When it’s over. When we feel that pure connection to Gd. Not tainted by the enemy or bad harmony. We can sing. We are now free... We are free because I don't hear any of our members singing right now...
They sang. They didn’t ask questions about graves then. Moshe didn’t have to deal with questions for a day... And he sang too. He had freedom for a day. Yes. Moshe had an excellent voice when he sang. He wasn't a great talker. But his singing voice. Great range...
Miriam’s song was responsive. Because women sing better than men. They know how to listen before they harmonize, unlike the men at our Minyin...
Ran Gvili is back. Our nation can sing today...

You all want fairness and equality. Not one of you want moral. Like the Mitzrim. You follow your feelings. Blasphemous feelings about Zoom Minyins... Even your Minyins aren't from Gd. How can you do a Minyin and still be anti-Gd... Rebbeca. Exactly. That’s how you end up in the sea. Are there moral people here... That was sarcastic... The question is when will there be truth. When we're not clouded by darkness and we can see Gd, we can sing...

We can’t sing on Zoom. There is a lag. It doesn’t work. The harmony is worse than shul. I didn't think that was possible...
So now snow ended Yiddishkeit? Is that what I’m seeing on the group chat?!
Minyin has to be at shul... Why is Rebecca on the thread anyways?! It’s a Minyin thread and... You don’t count for Minyin either Rebecca. Even if you suggest it...
Rebecca. You also suggested to drive on Shabbis. And then you suggested that men and women sit together. Do you not know this is an Orthodox shul... I understand there are a lot of heretics here. But we follow Halacha. The congregants don’t. But the shul does. It's a Halachik shul of people who don't follow Halacha. And that is why we have the board making decisions... That was sarcastic, and it wasn't even a question...
To quote the rabbi emeritus, "Until Zoom costs three million dollars, and Sadie Feinberg dedicates it, it's not a place to Daven. When Zoom has a board, you can make the decision then..." 
You can see Gd when it's snowing...
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No more groups. No more community groups. No more social media... We are going to learn Torah from Sefers. From books... Because when you do something online, the next thing you know, our sanctuary is in somebody’s living room. And we’re having Minyin while Shloimi’s wife is telling him to take out the trash. Because Rebecca suggested it... If we could get Shloimi to take out the garbage before Minyin, maybe we could think of having a Zoom service... Services are not Minyins. They're prayers for not religious people...
The lesson. Never listen to congregants.

The one thing people should listen to is congregants’ comments on Harold’s mustache...
I commend Harold. Kol Hakavod. I wouldn’t be able to grow one of those. I don’t think I could weather an eight-month storm of comments about my face. I'm going to keep the beard... Because nobody comments on beards. They just say, “I didn’t know you had that.” They don’t say, “Are you living in the ‘70s?” “You’re like Tom Sellek if women were not attracted to him.” “Did a gerbil die on your face."
I'm not shaving my beard. The double chin...
If Rebecca said “you shouldn’t come to shul looking like Harold” OK.

Rashi teaches Az Yashir, “Then, when he (Moshe) saw the miracle, it entered his mind that he should sing... And he sang.”
You have to see the miracle. I see a miracle when I have congregants that think Zoom is a place... It would be a miracle if Zoom was a shul... Because it's impossible, Rebecca. Like it's COVID... You won't catch COVID from Bernie. You'll catch an annoying conversation and bad jokes. If you come to shul, you'll catch a lot of really bad voices...
The crazy thing is they’ve been singing in Israel even when dealing with our enemies. "Am Yisrael Chai." That’s how strong our nation is now. We sing when being chased. Because we are in Israel. Once you’re in Israel, you are free... Stuff is very expensive. But you’re free. Why I had to answer that.
They sing all the time. We are living in the "then." We are past Zoom. And they complain about the price of cottage cheese...
You people should never sing. You’re not in Israel. There is antisemitism. And you have bad voices. And you can’t harmonize...

(Shemot 15:26) “If you listen to Gd’s voice...” Gd's voice is beautiful. The reason you people get sick is you’re a bunch of sinners. And you sing bad... And you complain...

Oh. After the song and the miracle, the Jews complained right away... Why. Because they couldn’t find a decent water filter. Is that not like our sisterhood...
I understand Miriam led the women in song… No, Rebecca. Women cannot lead services. We are an Orthodox shul. And Miram was Orthodox…

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi turned that singing lesson around real fast. I think he manipulated what we learn from the splitting of the Sea because he didn't want to hear us sing.
The rabbi complaining about us singing is tantamount to the Jews complaining about dying in the desert. That's the main lesson of this week's Drasha.

Our congregants connected to the Jews complaining at the bitter waters, right after the Egyptians drowned. They complained right after the sermon.

I'm getting the feeling the rabbi’s whole sermon was sarcastic.
Maybe not the whole sermon. The not singing was straightforward. How bad we sound wasn’t sarcastic, until he asked Merv if he would like to lead Adon Olam. Suggesting Merv sing anything and it not being painful is sarcasm.

"'Then.' Were they not singing before." That delivery. Perfect sermon delivery. Only our rabbi. So brilliant.
He asked that question without a question mark. But it was not sarcastic, which was confusing. All the congregants could talk about during Kiddish was which stuff was sarcastic. What was a real question or a sarcastic one. I don't think they heard anything else during the Drasha. Just questions without question marks. They couldn't figure any of it out.
And that is where it gets hard for our Rav. If you have a brilliant rabbi and fools for congregants, the sermon doesn't get heard.

Ran Gvili being home. Buried in Israel. It means everything to our people.

We never see the rabbi emeritus. Yet, the rabbi quotes him all the time. Whenever the rabbi wants to say something and doesn't want an argument from the board, he quotes this rabbi emeritus. I don't think he exists.

Rebecca is a fool. It’s complicated when you have to explain to the MInyin what a Minyin does.
I think the rabbi likes the members that don’t keep Halacha more than the members that are Shomer Shabbis. However, when the nonShomer Shabbis members show up to shul, he likes them less. I think the rabbi just doesn’t like seeing anybody at shul. If they don't show to shul, he loves them. If they're Shomer Shabbis and don't come to shul, he loves them.
Point is shul is the place where the Minyin meets. Not Zoom. And not Michael's game room. He thought it would be good to have Shacharit and billiards. Everything to these people is a program.

I am very for no more WhatsApp group lists. This way I don’t have to show up to anything, and nobody can blame me. I can just say, "Nobody reminded me.”
With all the group reminders, you have to show. If you have an excuse, you can get out of it. But I haven't figured out how to use my lack of wanting to see the people during the week too as an excuse yet. I've tried telling them I don't like seeing them on Shabbis.
The rabbi is right. Congregants should not be allowed to post ideas on social media without his approval. I listened to a congregant say that, because of that impossible to open renovated door, to get into shul we have to go through a different door. I ended up in the Mikvah. Not one of them said, "We should fix the door." That's a post that would've made sense.

The shul gave an award to Harold for not giving up. The Persistence Award in the Face of Looking Like an Idiot. He kept the mustache. Listened to nobody. And now he looks like an idiot.
The rabbi is definitely self-conscious about his double chin. You can see it through the beard.

After dealing with all the congregants and hearing them complain again, the rabbi had second thoughts on turning our shul not Orthodox and having services on Zoom. As the rabbi said, "You can't have a Minyin on Zoom. You can have services on Zoom, because not religious Jews have services."
I can see the rabbi giving into Rebecca if she pays extra money. The rabbi would lead a Zoom service if he got a raise. He would be fine leading a service. He would turn off the video, sit in bed with his long johns.
Watch this, next week he's going to start Zoom classes. Once he realizes he doesn't have to see the congregants in person, he's going to love it. He'll find a way to do everything on Zoom. He'll bring COVID back.