Sermons of Rebuke V: Behar-Bechukotai

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask people who lead in Kedusha work on their tunes before going up and leading the congregation in song, so the words fit a little. One note shouldn’t have to carry half a paragraph of words, due to unplanned melody. The "Ze El Ze vAmar" should not have to be forced into a quarter second, just to fit the new "Bnei Bunim" song.
We also ask you don’t do new songs. Nobody wants to learn a song to sing along with that is not “Etz Chayim Hi.”
 
We have a new fundraiser coming up this season. The shul needs to raise more funds. If anybody knows of any dead people, please let us know, so we can put up dedication plaques. Families of dead people like plaques. 
 
The rabbi gave a look of anger to a member last Shabbat. We wish a Mazel Tov to our rabbi who is finally settling into his position.
 
After much discussion, the board has decided the next fundraiser will not be plated. To quote Shaindel, “People shouldn’t be forced to eat the shnitzel with that sauce on it. And I don’t like peas.”
 
Halacha Class: How to Fit Fifteen Words into One Note, With Our Chazin Who Picks Wrong Melodies. What Dead People Give to Our Shul- Thoughts on a Future of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uTefillah Built on Death. Talking in Shul and How to Get Looks from Our Rabbi. A Chazin's Story of How He Ruined "Etz Chayim Hi" with Congregants Who Try to Sing Along.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 25:14-18) Don’t aggravate people in business. You rip everybody off... It's a pyramid scheme. It is called a scheme. Pyramid "Scheme." You scam people. You're aggravators... You aggravate me in shul. I am sure your boss hates you...

(Vayikra 25:35-38) Give people a chance to be successful. “Strengthen” them. Don’t take interest or increase. This shul has not allowed me to be successful. You've allowed me to deal with congregants. You've allowed me pain. You’ve increased the questions you ask...
Because “I H’ your Gd. I took you out of Mitzrayim...” Don’t enslave people. That is the evil. Turning people into slaves. Scamming them. H’ is the Gd. H' doesn't run pyramid schemes. H' doesn't charge 2k to be able to sell Topeka as a tourist destination...
What slaves do you know that are successful?... I don't know how much Harriet Tubman made...
The board scammed me. Aggravates me every day. You’ve enslaved me with congregants... You told me Topeka is a beautiful place... Well. You left out the membership of the shul. It was a rabbi hire scheme...
And I think the jubilee year is coming up next year. Freedom!!!

(Vayikra 25:39-40) If your brother is sold to you, “don’t work him like the work of a slave. Like a laborer, like a resident, he shall be with you till the Yovel...”
Don’t work him like a rabbi. Don’t make him go to meetings. Don’t make him have to deal with this president of the shul who has really dumb ideas... I am not suggesting that relationships should end with Yovel. I am saying that relationships with this congregation should end with Yovel... Because working here is slavery.

Strengthen. That is our job in this Olam. To strengthen people. The congregants should be working out more. Very weak and out of shape.
Bring people up. You enslave people. You think about you and your power. I bring people up. I support untalented people. I make them feel good. The Chazin did a great job Davening...
Kedusha words should not fit. In Naaritzcha, the “Ze El Ze vAmar” should all be in one note. Said quick in one note, to finish the stanza... That's what H' would say. H' wouldn't complain, because He is not enslaving you...
You guys don’t even know the old songs. Why are you doing new songs?... "Esa Enai" by Shalsheles is a new song... Around thirty years old, but new to our congregants. They like singing "Etz Chayim Hi." Just do everything to "Etz Chayim Hi" and "vShamru Bnei Yisrael"... Anything less than a hundred years old is new to our congregants...
It's about bringing people up. Let them feel good. Let them work with the tunes they know. Two tunes is enough...

We strengthen our shul through heritage. Through giving money... This isn't a scheme. This is a shul... We need more money. We need more death. Money is not made from the Simchas... Dedication plaques are key. Dedication stitching are is allowed...
We need to strengthen our shul. We must focus on death as a shul. The average death sponsorship is $180. The average Simcha sponsorship is $18...
Family death is also a very good focus... We have to stop focusing on youth. There is no money on youth. Youth who lost a parent...

It is about not being a slave. We are only slaves to Gd. Your rabbi. Myself. I don’t have to worry anymore. I got a raise. I can say it. I cannot stand you people... Yes. I gave Mark a look. You people are annoying. I can finally say that. I have my new contract. I cannot stand the congregants in this shul. Your questions are annoying... I feel stronger. Emboldened. Empowered. Finally, this congregation did a Mitzvah...

Strength means giving people choices. Buffet... Nobody wants plated dinners.
I like buffet. Plated is good if you like green beans and peas... I don’t want to have to beg for another piece of meat. I like going up when I want another piece.
Why we ever had plated... Well. Class is not appreciated. Class is slavery. Ever heard of the class system?... Exactly. They had plated food.
And then so much wasted food. With buffet, I can eat Shaindel’s portion... Shaindel never eats. Meal is finished and she still is plated... Nobody should be enslaved to a plate...

The fact that everybody here is lazy is a problem. (Vayikra 25:43) “You shall not subjugate him with hard labor,” is talking about slavery. It’s not saying that you people should not help. It’s not saying that you should get plated dinners because it’s hard work to go up to the buffet.
Strength means not slaves. Choices. Buffet.

(Vayikra 26:3-9) Just follow in Gd’s decrees and He will establish His covenant with us. Be strong and be slaves to Gd. Do not listen to the board. They don't even know how to sing "Etz Chayim Hi" right. The board scams people. It's a shul scheme. Don't hold people as slaves to a painful community. That is how you have goodness in Israel...
Gd's decrees allow for enjoyment of life. Simcha. Buffets with as many portions as you want. Getting stronger with a decent workout regimen... Gd's decrees do not have anybody thinking Topeka is a destination...

Rivka's Rundown
And the people of our shul started working out, so they wouldn't be slaves. I believe that's the message the rabbi was trying to get across. I think it was, "Workout so that you can be free people and sing 'Etz Chayim Hi.'"
"Nobody should be enslaved to a plate." Such beautiful words from our Rav.

He considers being a rabbi slavery, because the congregants have really dumb requests. On congregants requested the rabbi move Shavuot to the middle of June. She thought that since there was a Pesach Sheni, maybe we could do a second Shavuot as well. The idea came because the weather hasn't been that good, and she still feels she can get more time out of her lilacs.
The rabbi was lying about the next Yovel. The next jubilee year is in 2028-29. He just wanted to get paid and get out of this job.

The rabbi yelled "Freedom." Middle of his sermon. He was inspired by Braveheart.

The rabbi feeling empowered is not a good thing. He is making every request he can. He now wants to add another Mechitzah, so that he doesn't have to see any of the congregants.
To quote, "I will not feel free free until I don't have to see members of this shul. As long as I am slave to this job, and getting paid, you are all sinning. This is why I shouldn't have to see anybody. I am holy and following Gd's decrees."

Toni got half the shul to sign up for this pyramid scheme, selling Topeka as a vacation destination because it has a park. People bought into this idea of Topeka being a great place to vacation at because it has a playground. The members had to pay 2k to have the right to sell Topeka as a destination with a jungle gym. Now, half the congregation vacations in Topeka.
The people have lost all their vacation savings and they’re now vacationing in their homes. Most of the people thought that it was a shul fundraiser, as the cost of selling the pyramid scheme was so outrageous.

They forgot to announce Yom Yerushalayim and Memorial Day. The announcements never have stuff on time. So, nobody cared about the Holy City reunifying. Many of the congregants were mad they did not know when Marshall's was a having a sale for fallen soldiers. My section of the shul protested the congregation, yelling, "Because of you, we are slaves to retail."
And it is on the backdrop of missing out on the Memorial Day Sale that nobody in our shul feels strengthened right now.

The rabbi truly does bring people up. He's an uplifter. I've seen Bar Mitzvah boys do the worst job, and the rabbi is always there to let the young lad know that it's not his fault he's so bad at being a Jew. He makes sure to tell the Bar Mitzvah boy, "It's your parents' fault."

They're always off. The tunes in our shul don’t fit the words. That seems to be tradition.
You can’t teach an old congregant a new song. The Chazin does an excellent new song and it’s shunned. People are booing the guy. No matter how good the song is, they want to sing "Etz Chayim Hi." They're stuck on it. They truly get into "Etz Chayim Hi." They belt it out like pros. They can't even take out the Torah right. They sing "Etz Chayim Hi" when taking out the Torah. That's our song. We know it. We sing it. Nothing else has made into our shul lexicon of singing to Gd.

Our shul truly capitalizes on death. They send Kaddish letters. The last one I got said, "We wish you well on the loss of your mother. Here is where you give the money."
They even have death sponsorships. You can sponsor Shalishudis, Kiddish or death. Most congregants didn't want to sponsor death. They said it was self-incriminating.
They’re still sponsoring sermons though. Such a scam. The rabbi gets a salary and the one thing he does is sermons. I think some of that money is going to Toni's pyramid scheme.

The rabbi bringing up the idea of youth losing a parent was not well appreciated. The rabbi later said he was talking about divorce. That got the support of the congregants. It turns out the people in our shul don't like their spouses.

The rabbi settled in finally. He gave an angry look at Mark for talking. I've learned that when a rabbi starts to express his hate for the congregants, he is comfortable with his position. The last rabbi used to curse at the members. Instead of wishing them a Good Shabbis, he would wish them Gehenim.

I don’t know anybody that likes plated. You feel good for a minute, and then you realize there is other food you wanted. Not peas.
Buffets are better for the health of our shul. The movement keeps you more fit. The only time I've seen another member of our shul walk is to the buffet. When it's plated, they just sit there.
Buffets are also good for my steps on the way to the tacos. I need steps. Our membership needs more steps.