Sermons of Rebuke V: Behalotcha

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
It’s Father’s Day this Sunday, so remember who to blame for messing you up.

After the board’s investigation, we want all to know we don’t have any Sotahs in the shul. Nonetheless, Mrs. Bergenfeld is not trustworthy. We don’t suggest you trust Mrs. Bergenfeld with your plate at Kiddish. She’ll swipe your Kichel.

If anybody wants to keep their donation that they donated already, as donations, now is the time to donate more money. 
As a new fundraiser, the renovations committee has decided that any donations made in the past are not donations anymore. Nobody cares about Freddy Markowitz dying eight years ago. To quote the President of the Board: "We already got the money from that death." But we will care about Freddy again if you donate another Parochet, curtain, for the Aron.

Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up Your Bar Mitzvah Parsha Because Your Dad is a Sinner and Never Around. The Obligation of a Shul to Not Care for Your Loved Ones Who Have Passed Without a Donation. Women You Shouldn't Trust in Shul and What It's Like to Be on a Committee with Mrs. Bergenfeld, Even Though She's Ninety.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 8:22) “After this, the Levites came to perform the service.” They prepared. They didn’t just show up, like Yankel for his Bar Mitzvah... Worst Layning I've ever heard. Did Yankel even know it was Behalotcha?!... If he listened during Hebrew school classes, it would've been better. Still would've got it wrong, but he would've been reading Hebrew... Yankel. The Torah was not written in Sanskrit.
When you have a Gabai that puts no effort into anything, you get Shavuot with no flowers on the Bima. There wasn't even a dandelion... Well. Putting together a flower committee was the problem. A committee of dads. Have you ever seen a father in this shul help?!... They’re always running around. Working. Not helping Yankel... They run to not help.
Without preparation the service gets messed up. You end up with a Chazin like...

(Bamidbar 9:2) “The Pesach sacrifice at its time...” Have we ever started Minyin on time? There’s a time for Minyin. Not a half hour late. It doesn't say in the Torah to start Shacharit half hour after it's Zman. "Make sure to Daven to H' at the wrong times."
Things were at times. When you’re running... I understand you want to get away from the kids. Then, tun to Minyin...
You prepare in order to do things at the right time. Our shul prepares to do things late... The dinner last month started two hours late. And that was prepared. Even the caterer starts stuff late at our shul... Sean Christopher Catering is not a member...

When did they serve? Good question. Well let me tell you... The Pesach service was on Pesach. "at its time"... The Pesach time is Pesach. Not during Rosh Hashana...
(Bamdibar 9:19) When the cloud was there for many days “the children of Israel kept Gd’s shifts (Mishmeret) and didn’t travel.” You can’t keep Gd’s shifts on the road with Hells Angels. The Levites weren't ride or die... I understand you like to ride and get away from your family for Father’s Day. We all deserve that gift. I want to get away from this shul... There should be a Rabbi’s Day. A day where congregants hold off on asking dumb questions... You can’t do Gd’s Mitzvot of raising a good family in a biker bar...
You can’t accomplish on the move. When you’re on the road, you’re stagnant... I know you’re moving, but you’re not... Travel is when you accomplish nothing, other than getting away from your family. Which I understand has value. Travel is why your lawn looks disgusting... Mow the thing before your trip then...
You have to be in one place. That is how you serve H’... You’re not doing shifts when you’re out fishing in Vermont.
You’re all always running. Trips, vacation. The only place you’re not running to is shul.... How much do you do in Disney World... I know the Epcot is cool. Is there a Tabernacle there?

When is the time? When you’re still. Inertia... The laws of inertia are objects in motion accomplish nothing...

You have to prepare. But once you have it all down, you stay. If you want to accomplish, if you want to serve, you stay in the same spot...
I'm not saying that everything accomplished is good. See the youth of our shul... Somebody messed you up. You don’t end up like this without nurture...
I called the day school. They said it’s not their fault. I spoke to the athletics department at the JCC. They’re not taking blame. You can't blame them. Blame your dad. It’s your dads' faults. Because they're around... Your dads mess you up. Sometimes, being present doesn't help...

Yankel's dad should've been around. That kid needed somebody to help with the Layning.
Last week we learned that we do not have any Sotahs in the congregation... Dad is always traveling. That’s why there are the Sotah accusations. You can’t serve your family when traveling... Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here... We also did Nida checks...
You still have to honor your father. You do that by not running around. Going to Guatemala is not how you honor your dad... We all know Yankel’s dad messed up. If Yankel’s dad wasn’t always running around, his Layning would’ve been decent... At least he would’ve felt guilty enough to practice...
A male Sotah. Traveling for business?!...
Stealing is still wrong Mrs. Bergenfeld. Even if it’s off somebody’s Kiddish plate, it’s still Geneyva... It doesn't make you a Sotah. Even so, you are not to be trusted...

It’s about Kedusha. We have a shul in place here. It’s in one place. We should be serving Gd... The whole idea of the traveling shul, what you guys call engagement, is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. "Let's have a shul in different houses every week, so that people who don't go to shul will come to shul..." Well. They're still not going to shul. They're popping over to Ruchie's house... 

The cloud was lifted a long time ago. But you are still here in the shul. So. I have to deal with you...
Prepare and serve. This Tabernacle was already built. We can serve here. In the shul. Now... Don't need to have Shabbat Minyin on the golf course. As engagement... 
It has all been prepared. Donations have been given to the shul. It has been built. We are here... So. What you have decided are donations, are worthless... Getting rid of donations brings in new donations?! I don't understand. It's as if you want to move out all the dead people and bring in new ones... Well, whose name is on the Torah cover?...
How are new Torah covers and Parochets, curtains, part of renovations now?... But people donated those. It was prepared. It is now up to us to serve Gd with them... That is an actual message, Bernie. Dealing with what we learned in the Parsha... I know that was meaningful...

Shul is about tradition. You don’t just get rid of stuff because the donation is over. Donations are how we prepare. We prepared... They didn't renovate the Tabernacle. It was built, and that was how it stayed until they had to move. You prepare and you serve while there... I have suggested moving the shul to Israel. Or at least paying me to live there...
You have tagged the Torah cover. I would be perfectly fine if the Cornblooms took the board out for it. This is donation Gangland you’re creating... Well, the Cornblooms' grandfather also died. And he died before yours.
Tradition has everything to do with donations from the past... Now you’re giving away Max’s seat??? It was a lifetime seat... He’s still here. He paid for it. But now he has to pay again, as part of renovations... So you have renovated his donation to the trash.
So, we’re taking down the Markowitz Parochet and putting up a new Markowitz Parochet... Again. Moving things. That is when you're not serving Gd. Even if there is money involved... Shul is not just about money. It's about commemorating the dead for money...

(Bamidbar 9:23) “At the word of Gd they encamped and at the word of Gd they traveled.” There are times to travel. But that is according to when Gd tells you to. Not when you feel a draft... I understand you like to go down to Florida. But a wind comes through our town and that next day you're on a plane to Boca... It's June. It was a breeze. Topeka has fresh air. It doesn't kill you. Even if you feel it... You can call it a draft and it still won't kill you.
We didn’t leave until Gd said, “Now it’s time.” He did that by bringing up the cloud a bit. Gd did not say to change the Parochet. He didn't say that donations of the past mean nothing. He also didn't tell Tzachi to ruin his marriage. He didn't say, "There's a breeze in the desert. Now it's time to take the Tabernacle to Fort Lauderdale." He didn't say, "Go to Florida and leave your family." If H' lifted the Torah covers, I would understand that we need to renovate and change.
Then we pulled out silver trumpets... We celebrated it, because Gd told us to. It had reason. Nobody is celebrating the renovations in this shul and forgetting their grandparents... Your band is not heavenly. There is not trumpet. Gd doesn't appreciate kazoos... 
And they finally settled in Israel... Every time there is a storm, we don't say, "Now it's time to move." We didn't move the Temple from Jerusalem to Bat Yam, because there is less of a breeze there.

You do things in their time, with preparation. But you have to be there to do them. You have to be present for Gd to tell you. This is why we have Pesach Sheini... Because you guys mess up everything, and you're not around. And that is why your son can't Layn. A Busha...

Rivka's Rundown
A beautiful message to the dads for Father's Day. Our rabbi always knows how to bring meaning to our celebrations. 

Shavuot was pathetic. No floral arrangements. Ended up having to have kids cut flowers. Turned into a paperchain. I thought they were celebrating Sukkot in the sanctuary.
Turns out anything our kids do turns into a paperchain or paper mache.
Last resorts always end up with the kids. It goes from committee to “let the kids do it.” That shifts all blame to the little ones. According to the parents, the children of our shul can’t do anything wrong. The rabbi disagrees. And the rabbi made a point of saying he doesn't consider paperchains art, or flowers. He sparked a whole debate in the shul. Fights were had and the result is the Shavuot committee has decided that whatever kids say they did is true. So, paperchains are not considered flowers in our shul.

Our congregants are messed up. And I would say it’s the parents’ fault. We have to blame somebody, and the rabbi is not willing to blame himself.
"Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here." I am not sure what the rabbi was trying to say. I think the rabbi was promoting divorce. At least getting rid of the husbands.
​The rabbi truly ripped into Yankel's family. His Layning was off. Truly off. To quote the rabbi, "Off. Like his dad."

Our congregants are always getting away. Their goal is to not be in Topeka. They live here to not be here. That's their reason for living. They run. They pack for their trips. They never mow their lawn for their trips.
It turns out our shul can't accomplish a Minyin when people are not around.

The rabbi actually checked if there were Sotahs. The rabbi generally helps with Nida checks, though he’s colorblind. This time he did the regular checks and made every Nida drink seltzer.

Mrs. Bergenfeld swipes everything. She’s eighty-eight, yet a very aggressive Kiddish eater.

The rabbi is so against this whole new idea of what the board calls "engagement." The idea is you reach out to people where they are at. So, you go to the bar, the sports club, and you don't go to shul. The engagement committee said we have to go to the bar more often and have services there, while getting a bit drunk to connect better. That idea was brought up by the Kiddish club. It is the one program in our shul that is well attended. The only Minyin that people show up early to.
Everything has a committee now. The engagement committee, the Shavuot committee, the Layning committee which kicked Yankel out of the shul. We have at least fifteen committees. I think the same people are on each one, as each committee ends up doing the same thing. They talk for a few minutes about their kids and they do nothing.

The rabbi is so correct. I am not donating anything. I'm not even donating Kiddish. Watch this. I will donate Kiddish on Shabbat, and then somebody else will donate it too, and my name will be off it.
I heard that the office takes double Kiddish donations, sometimes triple, and they charge everybody fully. It's a scam. 
I think I saw the secretary once take down a plaque in front of the library and put up a different one for dead person photo op. I think the families are giving the money. The dead person's name gets put up, but the family flips the bill. So, they take the picture of the dead person's name and send it to the family. Conclusion, when you give a donation, it's for the picture of the plaque.
The shul has pulled over 100k on the Markowitz Parochet. Taken it down and put it back up around eight times. Each time, the Markowitz family gives more for the curtain, to keep that name on it. It's donation extortion. 

The board is now arguing that tradition in a shul is not important. They had a meeting and decided that tradition counts if it raises money.

The board has decided that everything is part of renovations. They even got a new strainer. The Maurice Landsfeld Strainer.
They started the renovations two months ago. They have now renovated a Torah cover. Renovated the Simchovitz family off it.

The renovation committee is doing what they can to get rid of drafts in our town as well. They want the shul to be more accessible for older people and people with disabilities, such as age. The idea with the renovations is to make shul wheelchair friendly and free of drafts. 
One member mentioned beer at Kiddish and some of the older people freaked out when they heard they might bring draft. I thought that was funny. I came up with that joke. You get it? Draft beer. 

The Mrs. Bergenfeld class title was the longest class title we ever had. I think it was a statement of anger. In the class, the rabbi addressed the contemporary Halacha of stealing his choolante meat.