Sermons of Rebuke V: Bamidbar and Shavuot

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The board would like to apologize for not mentioning Memorial Day last week. To Quote: “We take the blame for you missing out on sales. We still thank those who sacrificed of themselves for us, even if we missed out on the deal at Marshalls.”
 
Yom Yerushalayim was this past week. We want to apologize for missing that too. Again. The shul decided, after a committee meeting, the office should have a Jewish calendar. Till now, the shul has been working off the Gregorian Calendar given out by Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. It turns out Tony does not celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. We are going to make sure we get the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar.

Shavuot is this Sunday evening. You may want to learn something.
 
The shul has all night learning. The rabbi won’t be there, so don’t worry about anybody answering your questions.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Appreciation For Those Who Gave Their Lives For America and Retail. How to Get Nobody to Show Up to A Holiday or Event By Not Letting Them Know About it Till Afterwards. How To Learn Torah - Something Our Congregants Don't Do.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 3:5-9) H’ tells Moshe to bring the Levites “and stand the tribe before Aharon the Kohen and they shall serve him.” The Levites serve Aharon. There is blessing in serving. If the reason is for Gd, it's a blessing. Serving on the board and the renovation committee... Where in the Torah does it say "The Levites should do renovations in Topeka?"... It's not a trivia question, Bethany. There is no commandment. The point is serving this congregation is not likes serving the Kohens... The Kohens are serving Gd. The board is serving Bernie's needs for heat in June. The guy always feels a draft.
“...They are given to him from the children of Israel.” The Levis are in service of Aharon and the Kohens. It sounds so demeaning. And that is true, when the job is not done for Gd. Like the office who seems to think the Kohens worked according to the Gregorian Calendar... We are not Gregorian, Samantha. We are Jewish.
When it’s a commandment, when it’s a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod. An honor... The way your hedges look, Nachum, it's not a Mitzvah. It's a sin. It’s demeaning to the trees. Do a decent job and don’t worship idols and it won’t be demeaning. You’re embarrassing the shrubs... Because you don’t take pride in your work, Nachum...
Serving this shul board is not a Mitzvah... Serving the congregation is questionable. There’s no commandment to show up to Sheindel’s daughter’s fourth birthday part... Great girl Sheindel. I just don’t know why you had to bring a rabbi. You could’ve hired a clown...
It’s an honor for the Levites to serve. To carry the Tabernacle. It's not an honor to join a four-year-old birthday party and to have to do renovations on a bookcase... Why you even call it renovations. It's sticking shelves on pegs. The IKEA catalogue shows you how to do it. I do not believe the IKEA instructions insist on a committee... Because it would never get built that way. And then IKEA would get more complaints about their poor directions.... You think the instructions on the Tabernacle were easy??? If you think IKEA is hard...

It’s an honor to serve. Appreciate Aharon. Don’t be a Korach. A bunch of Korachs here...
(Bamdibar 3:11) “I have taken the Levite from among the children of Israel, in place of every firstborn...” The firstborns that are Gds, don’t get the right to serve Aharon... You lose that honor when you worship golden calves. When you mess up all night learning, like the board. When you mess up a bookcase...
The board is a like a golden calf... Having meetings. And the head of the board is a Bachur. A firstborn. And you wonder why it’s messed up. Get a Levite to serve as the head of the board, and they’ll help out... Because Levites are helpers and firstborns are bullies...
Do your job and be happy you’re working for somebody. It’s an honor. When the job is well done, unlike the board and Nachum’s yard, you take pride in it. It’s Min HaShamayim. From Gd.
Appreciate the Levites. And Levites, appreciate the Kohens. And get rid of the board. And everybody appreciate Gd...

We must appreciate Gd. When doing Mitzvot for Gd, there is reward. Not destruction, like in the shul's office. If our secretary did his job right, it would be a Mitzvah. We would hear about the holidays on time... It's not our job to get a calendar. It's the office's job.
Everything late. You don’t serve on time. The Levites didn't erect the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, a day late, because they were using the Gregorian Calendar. 
Does our office even use a calendar?... Definitely not a calendar with Jewish holidays. It's like a golden calf calendar...
The only thing you don't forget is the sales. You could think about those who gave their lives for our country on Memorial Day. Those who served our country... Our country serves Gd. It's a "nation under Gd."

And we missed Yom Yerushalayim. We missed Yom Yerushalayim last week, because nobody takes pride in their job. The Levites took pride in their work.
This is why I am taking the 6th graders to serve this congregation instead of the board... The board is like a bunch of firstborns.
We still did Hallel... Because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s not in our shul announcements it’s a holiday...
The announcements left out the Morwitz wedding. They still got married... That was a different reason. If they had money, the calendar would’ve mentioned it... You’re not wealthy enough for the shul to mention your Simchas.
If Marshalls would’ve given a discount to Chani on shoes, she would’ve made sure to have it in the announcements...
Shavuot is this week. Is that in the announcements? Just remember. It's this Sunday night. Tomorrow night...
A calendar in the office would help with announcing stuff that is on the calendar!!!

We all have ways of serving. We may work for others in service of H'. One way to serve is to learn Torah.
Maybe learn a little Torah. Just an idea... It’s Shavuot.
You messed up Pesach. You didn't even know what Chametz you should burn. And then you end up burning your home... It looked like idol worship. It looked like a sacrifice... When you don't learn how to do stuff for H' it looks like a golden calf...
You messed up Sukkot. Most messed up Sukkah building. I have no idea whose cubit you were using. It must have been Yankel's cubit. Shortest cubit I have ever seen. Build with a Shlomo cubit next time... So, there's enough room to sit in the Sukkah and serve H'...
In the times of the holidays, we all serve. We all have to serve Gd. Even the members of this congregation... H' would rather Levites. But we have not found a way to replace the shul membership. The Baha'i community would have to convert to Judaism first.
We are just asking to serve H' right. With food... Then don’t mess up the blintzes this year...

You can show up to the all-night learning... Learn for part of it... Learn to be a good Jew. Just learn something.
There will be cheesecake at all night learning... They should’ve announced cheesecake. If they announced pastries, people would come and maybe learn by accident.
Announcing all night learning is a way of trying to get people not to come. I am announcing now that there will be cake and lasagna. Come to all night learning to eat... Better announcements is what this shul needs. A calendar. A Jewish calendar. More food on it. Maybe get the Hadassah Cookbook Calendar...
Maybe announce events on time...
I shall not be at learning. I will teach my class and leave... Why should I show up to learning? None of you come...

You’re like Bachurs. You expect to be Gd’s favorites because you do nothing... You actually are firstborns. Now I understand. You get the bigger Yerusha... That's why you put no work into it. You're getting the big inheritance.
If you can see what you do as a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod to serve under somebody else. You want to do the work. It's not about money... As a rabbi, I deserve money. When you're as close to H' as I am, you get paid...
Your job can be a Mitzvah, if it’s not what Bracha Mindel does... Working for the Town Council and bringing up people’s home taxes is not a Mitzvah. Serve the congregation correctly, otherwise we’ll have to get the 6th graders or the Levites to serve on the Town Council...
You would never be a Levite. You have no idea how to wash hands right. I've seen you head out of the bathroom... It's not the soap. It's that you don't get the whole hand. You have to get the whole hand. Up to the wrist.

It all starts with a calendar. Action begins with a calendar. You wash hands at the right time... Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop does not provide the times that we need to get things done right as Jews... Including the renovation of a bookcase.

Do you appreciate your rabbi. The job. The job that he gives Kavod to. The job he is doing for H’. The job where he sits at home and learns... That’s why I am late to meetings. Exactly. I am learning Brian!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The Levite members didn’t want to serve the congregation. They said it’s hard enough having to wash the Kohens’ hands.
The rabbi is very adamant about how a Kohen's hands must be cleaned. You have to get it up to the wrist.
The rabbi suggested to the congregants that since he is serving H', he should be bathed. Once the president heard that was his job, he quit. The firstborns also passed. Even the Levites refused. After much Halachik discourse, the rabbi gave a Responsa (Tshuva) saying that he can bathe himself when circumstances do not allow for others to do so. And thus, he may come to shul clean. "Though, the shul should give him a raise for his service," to quote the end of the Responsa.

The rabbi does not have learning in his contract. He went off on this idea that he has a contract with H’. His job according to H’ is to pass over Torah and to learn it. The board said his job is to ensure that the awning in the back of the shul gets put up correctly.
That argument went on for a while. It turns out the rabbi is not a Levite. So, he does not feel he has to take care of the shul’s building.

The rabbi did also not enjoy the birthday party of Sheindel’s daughter. Nobody knows her name. They should’ve had a baby naming. The rabbi said he had more fun at the Bris the other day, due to the assortment of sesame bagels. To quote: “Get an ice cream cake next time. Carvel is right down the block. Apikorsim.” And I agree. Only a heretic would serve carrot cake at a four-year-old’s birthday party.

How they mess up every announcement. Dates are always missed. Always late.
Does the one making the shul’s calendar not have a calendar??? The rabbi answered that.
I love Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. Great deals on bikes. Especially on Memorial Day. Yet, Tony's Easter Holiday Month Focus of April did not help our shul's holiday planning. Now, the shul is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a Jewish calendar. Free at the funeral home, the shul figures it can raise a good six-thousand-dollars off it. The idea is to put a name on the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar Cover. The board discussed it and they said that for sake of good omen, it should be the name of a family member who passed.
Not many people showed up to the Morwitz wedding. It wasn't in the announcements. The shul did insist on donations from the Morwitz family. It was a controversial situation. It turns out they didn't give enough. They needed to add on fifty dollars to the two-thousand they had donated. After the whole ordeal, being that people donated money to the shul in honor of the wedding, the fifty-dollars was met. They made the announcement about the wedding three months after it happened.

For Simchas to be mentioned, you have to have money. The soldiers from Memorial Day did not sponsor a Kiddish, so they were forgotten. To give credit to the shul office, they would've been in the bulletin if they donated money.

The rabbi gave a beautiful class and commemoration for those who gave their lives for America and retail. The rabbi suggested we commemorate the Jews that sacrificed themselves for our country by shopping at the clearance rack. It was meant to give credit to those who sacrificed for our country so we wouldn't have to overpay, which the rabbi called "freedom." He served tea to bring home the point, saying, "Iced tea is what America is founded for."

The board thought more people would show up to all night learning if they heard the rabbi wouldn't be there. The congregants are sick of the rabbi using Halacha to answer their questions about being Jewish. They like the idea of a more holistic approach to Halacha, where you derive the laws from your feelings and Rakhi massage.

Last year, people heard there was going to be learning. Nobody showed. 
Worst idea for drawing people. Got to have a different draw. All night cheesecake All night talking and hanging out. No rabbi. That's what draws people to shul.
The people in our shul never learn anything. Shavuot has been an annual day of mourning. Having to learn Torah is so painful for them. Hence, being that there was a buffet at this year's all-night learning, people celebrated Shavuot, by coming together, eating, smiling and not learning.
I get the feeling that the people in our shul would've taken to the golden calf thing if a smorgasbord was part of it.

The rabbi is mad at Bracha Mindel. Even though she is a congregant, she didn’t give the rabbi off on grievance day. She was kicked out of the shul because she didn't lower the rabbi's home taxes. The rabbi claimed his home is only worth a hundred-fifty-thousand-dollars, though he paid six-hundred-thousand for it.
The rabbi ended up giving a class about the difference in value when it comes to taxes. He then explained that the home would be worth two-million if the shul was selling it, as that would include the donation.
The rabbi later tried selling his house to a congregant, and called it a fundraiser.