Sermons of Rebuke: Pinchas

by Rivka Schwartz

We will have a community viewing of the World Cup, as it's an embarrassment to have our Jewish community members showing up to games rooting for the wrong teams. Jews should not be rooting for the French and Egyptian team. Or wearing their flags. If our community had any understanding of geopolitics, we wouldn't have idiots supporting the downfall of Israel and America.
At the viewing, we ask that nobody asks what is happening. We understand that none of you know. Let’s keep it that way. There’ll be schnapps to help deal with Rachel, who is still confused as to what football is.
There will also be no Tehillim for any of the teams.

The rabbi is available for all Jewish lifecycle events. This includes, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, people who turn 38 that nobody cares about, funerals, times you look at your kids in disappointment, moments where you see your child who brings you no Nachis. The rabbi is also now charging for keeping your marriage together.
 
Chesed Opportunities: July 4th Celebration security volunteers needed. We need to make sure people at the local parade are just shooting fireworks and not shooting at Jews.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why It's Dangerous to Go to Soccer Games and Other Reasons for Pogroms in Europe. Sports Jews Love Other Than Floor Hockey. Why Nobody Cares Brian Turned 38- What Pathetic and Out of Shape Looks Like in Jewish Law. Law of the Land in Jewish Law- Can You Attack Jews if Your Mayor Supports It. Does a Member of Our Shul Working Security in Our Community Keep Us Safe- A Discussion as to Whether or Not Chaya Rivka Bayla and Maurice Ethelman should have a gun.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
Our community is full of idiots. They don't get it. You root for countries that like you in the World Cup. You don't root for colors you like.
In the end, they showed up to watch the World Cup for the schnapps. That's why our members show up to events. For the drinks. They wouldn't have been at Penina's Bat Mitzvah if there was no bar. And between us, they were so drunk they had no idea it was a dry bar. The amount you have to drink at a dry bar to get drunk. The amount of Shirley Temples they drank at that Bat Mitzvah. Eighteen bottles of grenadine. 
There was no Minyin the day of the shul World Cup program either. If they would serve schnapps at weekday Minyin, people might show up. Schnapps and a video. You need the two. This is why people like the Zoom service thing. It’s on video and you can drink in your house without having to worry about getting pulled over.
World Cup. Don't even know it's a soccer tournament. Michel had no idea it was a world tournament.

It's the same for all sporting events. Our congregants show up for schnapps. We don't do beer like normal sports fans. I can't go to games with them. It's embarrassing. Showing up to football matches, doing Lechayims on cherry schnapps in the parking lot. It just looks bad. And then to have our community screaming "Oy!" when they miss a goal.
We have to have community shows as it's a Chilul H' to have people that know nothing about sports. It's a whole community who haven't acclimated. Not even to basketball. The only thing they know about baseball games is you have to show up with the schnapps and herring in a paper bag.
Every sporting event is like this. Even little league baseball. They show up and drink and talk. It's a Jewish thing in our community, where every event is Kiddish.
It's beautiful to show up as who we are. As Jews. But when the Topeka Tourniquets were losing the baseball game, we didn't have to break into Tehillim groups. They lost the game, and we lost some members who now don't believe H' has a pull in double Single-B baseball.

No Nachis is a lifecycle event every family in our shul celebrates. It happens when they realize their child has no chance. The Felsenblums celebrate the No Nachis event six times for Shloimi.
Lifecycle event I had recently was I threw up.
The rabbi is just trying to make more money off us. He's celebrating everything. He realizes how much funerals pay. He wants to find ways to monetize more lifecycle events.
He’s complained that Bat Mitzvahs don’t pay enough. He’s aiming for more money. And thus, he needs more events. And this is how Peewee soccer has made it into a Jewish lifecycle event. Mothers sitting with juice packets is a Jewish lifecycle event now.
To quote the rabbi, “Anywhere you can drink schnapps, it’s a Jewish lifecycle event. And you have to pay me to run it.” He’s also started charging for himself to show up to Kiddish. He’s making money off his celebrity status.
Drinking while watching the World Cup. The rabbi charged for that and said it was Jewish. Now as a communal lifecycle event, every four years we celebrate Israel not making the World Cup.

The rabbi realized that there is a lot of money in keeping people from getting divorced nowadays. Nonetheless, nobody hired him. When they heard his price, people decided it was financially beneficial to annul the marriages.
 
There have been many attacks on Jews in America. Not one of them has to do with the World Cup. It turns out that soccer is the least violent sport in America. In America, soccer fans are extremely pleasant. 
Due to this, our local Jewish Security Council insisted that all Jewish mothers have their children take up soccer and violin. There has been violence against local Jewish kids at violin. However, the security council insists it's safer than taking viola. They also insist Jewish children not show up to band practice where there are tubas. To quote Racheli, "Tubas hurt."
Antisemitism is up, and thus attendance at Jewish day school is up. The rabbi doesn't want to slow down the flow of anti-Semites. It also keeps Jews from eating out at Wendy's with Kippahs on. 
It is scary. Now the government supports attacking Jews. Mamdani in New York supports it. Democrats all over support it. And yet, I still have to see Bernie at shul. 
And nobody volunteered to serve and protect. They did eat hot dogs though. And they drank schnapps.

Law of the Land in Jewish Law class was well attended. If it was Jewish laws they had to keep, they wouldn't do it. The fact that it's American laws they have to keep, they're happy to do it. The one law of the Torah every congregant in our shul keeps is driving under the speed limit. After much study into antisemitism, it turns out this is the main reason people hate Jews. They're driving too slow.

And not one mention of Brian's 38th. People still don't care. In the community's defense, he didn't offer anybody schnapps. You want a Mazel Tov, you bring schnapps.