Sermons of Rebuke IV: Yitro

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The shul is asking members to stop calling due to upset stomachs. Eating too many dried fruit is not a spiritual matter. It is one of health. Eating dried dates and figs in colossal amounts will also hurt your stomach when it’s not Tu BShvat.
Rabbi Request: Please consult your doctor. They get paid to deal with your annoying questions.
 
Snow exists. Again. You can pray for it to melt, or you can shovel your driveway. Either way, there is no excuse to not be at Minyin.
 
Due to the Super Bowl and Kanye, we ask all Jews to stay away from rap concerts, for their protection.
 
The Jewish day school wants everybody to know, their children not being educated is their fault. They also blame the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Visit Your Doctor, Who Cares, And Not a Rabbi. How to Shovel a Driveway and Not Complain: Getting Our of a Driveway to Go to Shul. Not Having Good Deals on Coats Doesn’t Make A Store Owner an Anti-Semite. Not Sending Kids To School: Best Way to Educate Your Children.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 18:24-26) Moshe took his father-in-law’s advice and set up leaders of smaller numbers to judge. Leaders take advice when it makes sense. Not when Shmuli and Nachum come with a complaint about the chandelier in the chapel. Not when Ruchie goes off about the committee meeting about the hat sale. Which by the way was awful... It was awful. You didn't even purchase hats to sell, because the hats were too expensive... Then they should've bought them online. You sitting in front of a computer with them is not a hat sale... You called it the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Boutique Hat Sale. You can't have a boutique online... Even with two hats.
And you should listen to your father-in-law, Yankel, and move...

(Shemot 18:27) “And Moshe sent his father-in-law away...” Moshe realized he would start giving more advice. And father-in-laws can get annoying. But he did take that original advice. Yankel, leave the shul...
Sometimes distance is important. Which is why I am asking for a five month vacation from you. The congregants. So, that I can like you. I believe I will like you from Israel...

Leaders must judge, which is why I say this shul is messed up. I will tell you the truth. As your judge of the multitudes of the six people that show up to Minyin, I will express judgment...

Unlike Yirto, you make no sense.
Belief in Gd doesn’t stop your stomach from hurting when you’ve eaten four pounds of dried apricot... Tu BShvat is an important holiday, but you will get fat from dried fruit. It has sugar in it on Tu BShvat too.
Your doctor should be consulted for hurt stomach and proper diet... Proper diet is Kosher. Yes. Kosher is the part I take care of. I make sure it is Kosher and that you can get heavy from it. Your doctor tells you why the Kosher food is hurting your stomach. I can't tell you that. I can only tell you how to enjoy it...
Distance yourself from dried fruit for a bit. You have already distanced from shul...

You can’t blame me for snow. I like snow. Especially because it keeps congregants from coming to shul... We need at least ten of you guys.
You definitely have money for a plow. You haven’t paid dues.
Listen and do things right. And distance yourself from what is wrong... No. Come to shul. We need at least ten of you.

As your leader who saw the Super Bowl, you're not allowed to listen to rap anymore... Rap seems to have moved to antisemitism.
Bernie. I think you would make a great rapper. You're an anti-Semite... Well. You disrupt sermons... The Beastie Boys are the worst. Ever heard “Fight For Your Right to Party”? They were skipping Minyin that day...

Who depends on school for education?! Exactly!
Why is this also my fault... I was not in the Heimfeld home fighting when you got divorced...
The school is messed up. We all know it. Not one kid knew how to sing "Tu BShvat Higiah Chag Lailanot." Pathetic.
Distance yourself from school. Listen to your rabbi...

(Shemot 18:23) Yitro tells Moshe that if he does “this thing” of properly setting up courts and judges, and not wearing out people through his judgment alone, they will “endure and this entire people will arrive at its destination with Shalom.”
Here, there is no proper judgment. Hence fighting like the Heimfeld family... The destination is Israel, for your rabbi, to get away from you, for Shalom...
In order for Shalom, you have to listen and sometimes get rid of things. Like the shul president.

And as Moshe sent away his father-in-law, I am asking we get rid of the shul president and send him anywhere... Another shul is fine. Let him preside over there. Let him bring them the curse of fights and anti-Semitic rap music...
You listened to me?! Now please, go.

Rivka's Rundown
And the rabbi ended up leaving the shul and going home early. He didn't even stay for Musaf. He used Yitro as an excuse to run.

The hat sale was awful. Ruchie thought her no brim hat was beautiful. I thought it was a swim cap. The rest of the sale was online. They should've called it an Online Garage Sale. That would've made more sense than calling it Boutique.

The rabbi can't stand Yankel. Wants him out of the shul. The rabbi wants most of the congregants out of the shul. But he realizes he needs ten for a Minyin.

The rabbi's concept is to lead the congregants from very far away. He believes that will allow him to love them more. Anything that allows him to not see them, allows him to like them more.

The rabbi did ask the president to leave, for a blessing, so that the shul can be successful. To quote the rabbi, "The difference between you and Yitro is his advice was helpful." He also asked for himself to be relocated for peace.

Due to the advice to see the doctor instead of the rabbi, many congregants showed up to shul. They were appreciative to the shul board for the announcements, as coming to shul to see their doctors saved them on the copay.

The rabbi refused to be blamed for snow, even though he is a spiritual man who is connected to Gd.

I love the Beastie Boys. That’s my connection to Yiddishkeit. I heard Paul’s Boutique and I realized I can be a good Jew too, without keeping Mitzvot.

Fran swore Burlington is run by anti-Semites, as the pre-winter sale was shvach.

At least the Jewish day school has now distanced themselves from the requirement to educate the children they teach. Before that, parents expected the teachers at the school to teach their children. Now, expectations can be met.
Once some parents decided it was better to educate their children by bringing them to shul, the rabbi rescinded and told them school is better. The rabbi did say, "If you want me to educate your children, that's 18k a year plus shul dues." They hadn't paid last year's dues yet.

The Heimfelds also fought at shul. It's weird. I am still trying to figure out why they got divorced. Half of Kiddish is couples fighting. Fighting has never broken up a marriage before in our congregation.

The how to shovel a driveway class had many people complaining.