Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYigash

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Everybody is still talking about the preChanukah party and how fun it is was, because it didn’t happen on Chanukah. We are not planning a Rosh Hashana party in February. We're going to call it the High Holidays at the Wrong Time program.

Members are still complaining about the length of Rosh Chodesh Davening on Chanukah. Seeing all the signs on the shul’s board for the extra prayers has left many of them scarred. Many have not been back to shul since, due to what they are calling Post Traumatic Davening Disorder or sleeping in late for the past month.
 
We want to thank Rick for creating the Tallis shirt. A shirt that Tallises don’t fall off. The rabbi is sick of watching people adjust their Tallises constantly during Aliyahs.
 
Shul lockers have been handed to important community members. If you are not important, you have to leave your Tallis in the open for possible burglary.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Daven for Five Minutes Without Your Tallis Coming Off. How to Stay Out of Shape: Choosing to Have Your Locker at Shul and Not at the Gym. How To Chase Everybody Out of Shul By Singing Hallel. How to Adjust a Tallis Every Three Seconds Because You Have No Shoulders Like the Finkelman Family.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Bereishit 45:15) “And after this, his brothers spoke with him.” After this whole back and forth and taking Binyamin and sending them back to Yaakov. After the reveal of who he is, they spoke. Yosef and his brothers finally spoke.
As we have seen in our congregation, family can go years without speaking. Thus making for what we know as a shul. A very uncomfortable place to pray with people you know, to Gd, in disdain...
It was time for the brothers to move ahead. Unlike the Beit Midrash committee who hasn’t purchased a book yet... You speak and do nothing. The brothers spoke and there was Shalom... I understand it’s hard to have peace with Sarah Bayla on a committee. She wants to color coordinate and interior the Sefarim... Sarah Bayla. You can have a brown Shtender with a maroon Siddur. Even if they clash.

Yosef accepted that he was sent to Mitzrayim for a reason. It was Gd’s plan. Accepting Gd's plan is the prerequisite for peace. For making up with others.
He tells them to hurry and to bring the family and to tell their dad, Yaakov, (Bereishit 45:9) “So says your son, Yosef, ‘Gd placed me the master for all of Egypt. Come down to me. Don’t wait.” After accepting it was Gd's plan, and making peace, it was time to hurry. It was time to see dad. No waiting.
You don't wait when there is peace. You wait and you end up with Sarah Bayla on the committee. And nothing gets done...

If you can accept it’s Gd’s plan you can have peace. Once you have peace, you can have a conversation. Which is why I can’t listen to Merv. The jokes are too much... I’ve heard them a hundred times. You repeat them to everybody... Your jokes are not part of Gd's plan. Possibly Gd's plan for retribution...

Waiting is not part of Gd's plan. Which is why I ask myself every morning why I showed up to Minyin on time... All I do is wait.
I can’t see how what this shul does is Gd’s plan. That's why there's no peace.
Why Gd sent me here, I can’t figure out. Maybe I sinned.

You do everything wrong. This is why we have fights all the time, still. There is no way this is Gd’s plan... I believe that everything is in the hands of H’. But you found a way to mess it up. I have no idea how a board can get in the way of Gd's plan. They got in the way of giving me a raise. And now, with this whole color coordination book scheme, which Eichler's never planned...

So. The Chanukah party was more fun because it was done at the wrong time... No. Judaism is not a program. A Chanukah party before Chanukah is not Gd's plan...
Why are you calling it a Rosh Hashana party? Why not call it Tu BShvat the Rosh Hashan LElanot party and celebrate it at the right time?... Tu BShvat is in February... It is a Rosh Hashana. Trees sin too.
Rosh Hashana for trees in Shvat is Gd's plan. If the shul had it at the right time...

Davening is part of Gd's plan.
And now we have congregants scared to come to shul, because they are scared to Daven... I understand it's long. It’s got the most signs of the year. Nobody complains about Selichot because there are no signs. Should we take down the signs... Selichot are longer. We just don’t have Dave leading Hallel and singing like a fool for Selichot. They're done before Shacharit. It's too early to sing. It's that post Amidah excitement that ruins people's days... You don‘t sing Hallel during the week. It’s Davening. It’s not a concert. It’s not a program. People have to get out of shul Dave. When you're singing, people have to get out of shul...
PTDD is not a disorder. It's an excuse Simmy had to skip shul again.

Dave is the reason there is no peace. A really long Davening is not H's plan.
Everything looks wrong in this shul, especially Chaim's new haircut...
Davening together should make for peace. I can't even look at the congregation. I get annoyed looking at the membership.

Your Tallis just fell again... Why are you wearing a silk shirt? Of course, the Tallis will fall.
It’s just annoying to have to watch you guys with Tallises falling constantly... Well then get to the gym and get wider shoulders, Finkelman. This congregation has the narrowest shoulders. Which is why you’re not good Jews...
Rick. Thank you. But even your Tallis shirt won’t work out. The Velcro is a great idea. But they have no room on their shoulders for Velcro...

Shul lockers? Who's giving out shul lockers now? We can't get a Minyin, but they need lockers... This isn’t a gym... I understand most of you sweat sitting. As you are extremely out of shape...
Who is stealing Tallises? I don't understand the need for the lockers

Maybe we can find Shalom one day in this shul. If we are ever able to figure out how having congregants like this is Gd’s plan. I just hope I retire before that...
When you know H's plan you have Shalom...

Rashi teaches (45:15) “After this” means that it was after they saw he cried and his heart was content with them.
Maybe we need to cry. We need to cry as a congregation. Unify in tears and make it all make sense. Why we have to listen to Merv's jokes. Why we have to listen to Dave's Davening and see Finkelman's Tallis fall. Why Sarah Bayla can't picked florescent pink as the right color for the Siddurs... Until there are tears, the full Teshuva, the extent of ability to move on is not there yet. When you see Gd's plan and realize how much you messed up, you cry. You get it out. And then there can be peace. So let us cry. Just look at Chaim's hair. It got me crying...
Maybe H’ needs real emotion from us. A way of admitting we understand our wrong and we want to live right...

Let's not wait. All this shul does is wait for a Chazin and Dave to finish Davening...

Rivka's Rundown
Everybody in the shul started crying. The sermon was so long.

How families and siblings don't talk to each other, but pray right next to each other. It's a Jewish trait and one we are proud of. Most peoples of the world can't live with such discomfort. Our congregation thrives on it.

The rabbi ended the sermon with Queen's “We are the Champions.” Not a dry eye. Everybody was hugging. Some congregants apologized for being congregants. They all walked up to the Bima to hug the rabbi.
It was so emotional, the board decided that next year they’ll celebrate Chanukah on Chanukah. They even conceded to Gd's plan to have Rosh Hashana on Rosh Hashana.

Truth is the committees move nowhere because Sarah Bayla has to interior design everything. Siddurs don’t need to be color coordinated with the Shtenders. Nor do women's hats need to match the section they're sitting in. We had to wait for the rabbi to kick off his sermon a couple of weeks ago, as Sarah Bayla did not appreciate the burgundy hat in the purple hat section. She made Mrs. Shafron, a ninety-two-year-old woman get up and move to the other side, so the rabbi could start his Drasha. She then said, "Now the section doesn't clash."

They do do everything wrong. Like the rabbi said, even the raise they gave him was wrong.

All they love about the preChanukah party was that it has nothing to do with Chanukah.
Rosh Hashana LElianot is something we should celebrate more. I don't know if trees sin. They do get old though. Maybe the trees remind the rabbi of Bernie. Trees do deserve a New Year party. My friend celebrated her daughter's first birthday. The tree has more of a chance of remembering the celebration.

What kind of idiot sings Hallel during the week???
It's scary seeing all those signs on the plaque. You come to shul one day and it's all up there. Al Hanisim, Hallel, vTen Tal uMatar, Mashiv HaRuach, YaEleh vYavo. Maybe take that one down. YaAleh vAYavo. You have the guy whacking the table. That’s scary enough. You don’t need to scare people with the signs too. And then to scare them with singing.
You can't have peace when you're that scared.

All of Davening, all they do is adjust their Tallises. I have never seen a shirt that holds a Tallis without it falling. Rick’s shirt is cute. But it looks weird with Velcro on the shoulders. You get the feeling like these guys are soldiers with Tallises. They have that Velcro line on their shoulders, showing they served their country by staying out of the army.

The community spent much time after this trying to come up with a shirt that you can wear without the Tallis slipping. They started making shirts out of corduroy. The slats in the corduroy keeps the Tallis in a spot. The problem is the spot isn’t always comfortable.
They tried selling it to Shark Tank. None of the sharks wanted in. They said that the "Jews at your shul don’t even pay dues. How are you going to get them to buy this?!" There was no answer. Mr. Wonderful did say he would be a customer, as he likes the idea of joining a congregation where other people complain too.

Shul lockers has caused a whole ruckus. Now everybody wants a locker for Sheytels, hats, shoes, keys. Not one person wants the locker for gym shorts. You would think one congregant would want to stay in shape. Maurice has now joined the walking group in the back of the shul. He calls it pacing. I figure, he would sweat less if he had on shorts.